Little Brown Bits
It is another rainy Sunday. I went down to the mall today to take some measurements. I was dressed extremely casually in my Gas jeans, my Orb Jacket with my bronze Matt and Nat purse. I was carring a stryo foam little box with vegan cheese cake in it.
When who do I bump into but the really hot mortgage broker from the BNI meeting this week. He is standing in front of the wine store. I totally stop and say 'hi'. He does not recognize me so I take my hood off. Then he fully gets who I am. So we are chatting about work and the meeting. I explain to him that I will be working in the mall for the next two weeks... and he already works in the same mall. Of course, on the inside I am totally gushing to myself that this is destiny...
He says to me, "I am actually here for a very weird reason right now." I nod for him to continue. He says, "I am on a television show and the camera crew is just over there." He points behind me. I look.. and see nothing. He does pull down the neck of his tee-shirt to reveal a microphone. I am thinking to myself that he is under cover cops or something. He continues, "I am on a blind date show." I say, "Oh."
Then I start asking all of these questions, "where is she?" He is about to meet her. "Is this the show with the guy in the limo?" No "Is this the show where you have to be young, successful and rich?" No, he has no idea what show it is. The producers contacted him and asked if he wanted to be on it.
All he knows is that she is 5'3, a brunnette and 33 years old. He then points her out to me, she is up a level being interviewed by the camera. She does not know he is there.
We start joking about how he can plug his business on the show. He did not remember what BNI meeting I attended.... so I obviously did not make the splashing impact I was hoping too. Anyways, I say it was this past weeks. He says, "Oh you saw my presentation. How was I?"
In truth the creativity and knowledge was fantastic.... his delivery was awkward and uncomfortable because he read his sheets the entire time. I say, "You were great." He says, "I read the entire thing." I shrugged. Then I complimented him on his creative delivery with specific areas he really excelled in.
I give him one of my flyers and tell him he can by his date something for Valentine's from me. He says, "Valentine's Day is a little too soon to be buying presents for her." I tell him he can get her a green heart instead of making the red heart committment.
He says something like what does your partner buy you? I was like totally studdering as I tried to gracefully mention that I did not have a partner. He tries again to ask the question because I totally bungled it. Then I respond with, "He can by a jewelry box. Actually a Wolf Designs jewelry box."
Overall, I was totally enthralled with the conversation. On the way home I was feeling clever and smug about it all. I was totally thinking that it was destiny that we meet. I get home, I smile at myself in the mirror... and to my horror.... there are brown bits of food in my teeth! ARGH!
I am mortified. What an idiotic thing to happen. Jesus Christ almighty.... Fuck.
So if we were destiny it is now ruined by brown food bits in my teeth.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
pee
It is late for me. I am tired. I just got home from being out for a very nice and very expensive dinner. At dinner I had a very clear view of Ryan Renolds who was sitting a couple of tables over. I, of course, was totally imagining that he was noticing me... who wouldn't. But, I guess when your engaged to Alanis Morrisette, life is pretty great and there is no need to continue grazing. I like Alanis, only becauase I have spent some time with her twin brother. And her brother is an amazing person. So, I automatically also believe that she must be equally amazing.
After dinner I went to a small party on the 36th floor of a downtown apartment. I love visiting these apartments in high places. The views are amazing! Wow! I find the elevator a little troublesome and difficult to use.
There was a very good looking young man there named Tyson. Yikes. He was tall, with brown eyes and great style. Yup. He was cute. He was also about 24 years old, and he also had a very young woman as his date. I did find out that he was going house boating this summer. I had James, the host of the party, look into booking me on that house boat. So there is a possibility I will get to spend a weekend staring at Tyson in a swimsuit while he DJ's.
I ran into my neighbour on the way into my apartment. I have not seen him in months. But, I can hear him pee at night. My bedroom shares a wall with his bathroom. He asked me tonight if I could hear him pee. I lied, I said No.
The weird thing too is that I absolutely detest listening to men pee. I hate the sound of pee dropping from a height into a bowl of water. It sounds so heavy and gross.
I actually turn on a tap when I am peeing at a man's house. I get embarrassed and I do not want him to hear me. Then I use my muscles and pee really, really slowly.
This is such a strange thing.... listening to pee never bothered me until my first year of university when I was living in dorms. My Italian friend Deborah would just start freaking out if she could hear someone pee. She would literally start jumping up and down and yelling and singing to block the noise. I never thought about the sound of pee before Deborah.... now I am petrified by it.
Anyways my neighbour came over with Astro his dog and he is all high on coke. He is a very nice guy who dates very psycho girls. Some of the stories he tells me... I think he has to be making them up. The last girl he dated kept trying to hit him up for $400 to pay her rent. Suddenly one day his co-worker died tragically. My neighbour was very upset, he really enjoyed and liked his co-worker. He called this girl in an effort to reach out and be consoled. She said, "Get over it. You just worked with him..... so do you have that $400 for me?"
Holy shitters. Where does he meet these chicks?
I told him to register for Landmark... and then I asked if I could get some coke.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Lost of Vitality
I have lost my vitality the past few days and I lost myself in movies. I have a whole list of items of which may have caused my laziness - I have not been taking my vitamins, not enough excercise, not enough sun, too much rain, 2 days of work in a dead boring office, total procrastination, I have not eaten fish this week, I could possibly be fighting something off, the ecstacy from last weekend.... and so many more possibilities. I feel like I am in winter laziness.
Tonight I am going to a very nice restuarant called Blue Water Cafe. It is my friend Rebekka's birthday - a fellow self-employed person. Then back home after dinner... for work.... I want to work, I like my work, but I am not doing my work. I am being easily distracted and doing other items.
This is a boring blog.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Ganesh Ita
Today was a long day....
I woke up at 5:45 to darkness. I went to a breakfast BNI meeting. It was great. The meeting takes place on the 35th floor of a hotel downtown. When the sunrises it is the most magnificant site. The mountains, ocean and forests. In that moment everything is beautiful and the weeks of rain and darkness disappear.....
Until 11:00am when it begins to rain once again.
I am exhausted tonight and all motivation evaporated. I watched Gross Point Blank.... Am I really 29 years old? This is a total shocker to me.
This morning at the BNI meeting there was the most adorable, good looking man within my age range. He had amazing style, all dressed up for work as a mortgage broker. He had on a fabulous dress shirt, a very sleek belt and great black pants. He gave a 10 minute speech on what he does. He put on a tool belt....... yeow, sexy!!
I was totally and only focussed on his physical body. I tuned out... partly because talking about mortgages is a foreign language to me, and partly because I was tingly with excitement at the site of his hot face and body.
And, this is totally immature thoughts for a very serious early morning networking meeting.
Yoga was great today. I am able to do handstand and elbow every time I try. I still need a wall or person support, but I am totally strong and capable.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Make-Out Session
I went over to Brent's house last night. I was still buzzing and happy from Saturday night Drum and Bass dance party.
I have been feeling deep cravings for Brent for a little while now. We have not had a proper make-out session since October. I have been feeling like he is more affectionate and gentle. These qualities have really turned me on.
He made dinner for us. We had smoked Salmon, whole wheat pasta with pesto sauce and a fresh salad with dijon mustard dressing. I broke my January resolution about no alcohol and I drank a glass of Rose.
After dinner we laid on the couch and enjoyed the view of the totem pole, maritime museum and downtown. It was very relaxing. I asked him to tell me about life before cell phones, call waiting and more.... Did you know that answering machines have been around the 70's?! I had no idea, I thought they were invented in the 80's. Brent use to have two landlines before the time of call waiting. It was so interesting.
It was really sweet. We were rubbing each others feet... and so on. He is a little erratic in his rubbing... not too smooth. Actually in his whole make-out style he is very crazy and rushed. It feels like a race for an orgasim. Ya, it is fun when it is happening. We both had orgasims last night - there was no intercourse. But, I did not leave feeling whole or satisfied. I was experiencing a feeling of distance, and dissatisfaction.
Our make-out style is totally different. I tried to slow it down last night, and be romantic and confident.... but, it ended up being the same scenerio as back in September when we were on his boat. We are dependent on good wine to give us courage to kiss, and then we end up on the floor.
I wonder what will happen?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Voting Day
Today was voting day. I was crazy busy between working on a contract out in a different area and going to Mary Kay. I had an explosive moment when I was having an important conversation with Moneris and I tripped on my purse and all my papers flew all over the wet, dirty ground. I scared my dog.
The Conservatives won.
So basically Canada has been Bushed. Fuck. This is really unfortunate.
I got this website emailed to me today:
http://www.thinktwicecanada.ca/
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Mary Kay
I went to a Mary Kay motivational/recruitment evening. It was very interesting. There must have been 500 women and 15 men in this huge conference room at the Hilton. They recruited 54 new women to represent Mary Kay.
Mary Kay's Qualities of winners:
1. Positive Mental Attitude
2. Self-Confidence
3. Enthusiasm
4. Perserverance
5. You are wonderful
6. Believe it now
There was some great motivational speaking this evening. It was great to see this business in action. I would like to learn more.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
LTJ Bukem
I went out last night to Dj LTJ Bukem at the Commodore. It was a great show. This beautiful girl who djs and sings opened for him. Her name is ill-esha and she is very cool.
It was a drum and base evening... not my favourite type of music... but I loved it last night because I chose to love it.
I was there with a group of people and Dj Nick from New Years was the one who invited me to come. He is a great guy, very nice and fun.
When Bukem first started playing, Nick came up to me and told me to dance to the second beat. I kind of panicked. I thought, "I am dancing wrong. I missing the beat. Everyone knows you have to dance to the second beat except me. " And, then I panicked slightly more because what is the second beat?!
I became slightly insecure and refrained in my dancing. I was holding back and watching others to try and learn what was this second beat thing was.
Later, I took a break from dancing. Dj Nick and I chatted a bit. It was very strange, he was very critical of the whole event. He said the MC was mcing too much, Bukem's music was too repetitive, and everyone was dancing out of sinc. Dj Nick prefers techno music and he compared what was happening at Bukem to his past experiences.
What I realized in these moments of listening to him is that it is a choice on whether one enjoys the evening or not. He was coming from a place of... "everthing can be improved upon - I've seen better." He was not dancing and did not seem to be living life passionately.
I decided that I wanted to live passionately, so I jumped back out to the dance floor and I danced like no one was watching. I didn't care if I missed a beat of the music... people judge others. We judge and then we return to being consummed and worried about others judging us. So, I thought fuck it I am going to dance passionately like my life depended on it. And I did and I had the best evening. It was so amazing!
LTJ Bukem was amazing and I am so glad that I got experience his music and energy.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Downtown Diva!
I was in a local paper today under "Downtown Diva"! I am so excited. There was a photo of me with a mini-interview about my fashion style and inspirations!
This feels really great. This is free media coverage which allows me to reach a broader audience. I was up until 1:30am last night updating my website. I had a Valentines Day photo shoot earlier in the evening in order to have the photos ready for this morning.
Between the photoshoot and the website design, I went out for dinner with Brent. I have not seen him since December 22nd. He went to South America, I did not.
It was really great. He definately notices a change in me. He commented that I was more vibrant and energetic - which is true.
He is convinced it is becuase I am eating fish now. I had fish for the first time a few weeks ago with him. I have been a vegetarian for 5.5 years, and I was never a fish or seafood eater.
It is true, I do believe the fish helps a lot. I am feeling deep sexual stirrings now. It was easy for me to refrain from sex for the past few years. It is easy to be celebate when you are a vegetarian, I believe the sex drive is a lot weaker.
Plus, I think I just like Brent more, so I daydream of him in a more sexual way. The weird thing is that nothing is happening. It was really strange last night, he actually reached across the table to hold my hand.... this totally tripped me out.
When we first started dating he was another erratic groping man who was racing for an orgasim. I was totally turned off. We would go on these amazing weekend trips where were boating, and we would drink amazing wine. It was a dream.... except, we would drink too much wine, then he would plunge for a kiss, then we would end up in a weird make-out scenerio. It was fun when I was drunk, then I realized I was always drunk when we made out.
I wanted more affection during the day or when we were not drinking. He was so not affectionate. So I tuned out. I got totally bored on these amazing dates. I kept thinking it was over... but, eventually he would always call again.
Then, the last threet times we have seen each other - since I started eating fish. We have had these really sweet kissing moments in his Audi when he drops me off. But, he does not push it. Wow. I totally love it.
Then, last night he reached for my hand. A few times. He was being affectionate. I feel very happy about this little motion. And, today I was totally thinking about him in a very sexual way.
Life is so weird.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Old Journal Entry - July 2005
I am currently single, and this has been my state of being since September 2001. For four years I have be
en walking my path alone. I have been strong, I have been making decisions to purely suit my own goals and ambitions. I have determined my direction.
Four years ago I made a commitment to myself to become my own best friend, to love and accept myself. I did it. Now, I sit here in Vancouver... looking at this path I created, this path I walked. I know that I am stronger, braver, more loving, more accepting, more determined, more calm, more and more because I gifted myself this time.
I want to be a leader. However, there is so much I need to overcome right now in my life in order to make this a possibility. During 2005, I feel like I have been hitting pot-hole after pot-hole. This year has been expansions and contractions - I have been experiencing each, however the contractions feel like they have been more dominant and difficult to overcome. I have had experiences and emotions this year which I never thought possible. Here I am in the last few months of my 29th circumference of the sun, and I ask the universe, friends, family and acquaintances for help and guidance. I need some time to lean on someone until I can be the strength I want to be.
The past few months I have been seeking answers or understanding to some heavy ideas. Perhaps, this is what India triggered in me - a desire to understand social standing. I thought I was going to India to experience a spiritual enlightment... instead, my outlook on social achievement has drastically shifted. I want to give back. I want to help, but the immense need for help is strong, that it is overwhelming. Where does one start? However, in helping I do not want to lose my own ambiti
on to be successful. More than ever, I feel this immense deep burning to be financially successful.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
What kind of player am I?
Today my strengths are punctuality, vitality, presence, motivated, having fun and accomplishments. My weaknesses are diorganization, slow to wake-up, procrastination, picky and .....
Winning is important to me; however, if I feel I am not going to win, I can withdraw from the game, and pretend not to be interested. Losing is failure to me.
I am not always a team player, I can be jealous and therefore, I can have difficulty being supportive of others. I can take other people's success personally and not fully be present with them and celebrate with them. I am a leader when I am up; when I am down, I am a terrible person to be around. My energy is really strong, and I definately affect people - up or down. I feel it is important for me to be strong in my happiness and clarity at all times. If I go through a rough patch of negativity I can be really hard on myself and be very blaming.
This week I am creating vitality in my life. The one area of my life where I am taking on full vitality each day this week is waking up in the mornings.
I use to be such an early riser from 2000-2004 I would jump out of bed every day with ease and grace. On average I woke-up at 6:30am. In the summers I would get up a little earlier at 5:30am, and in the winters I might wake-up later at 7:30am. Sometimes I slept in until 9:30; and I went through periods where I woke-up at 4:30am. Regardless, every day I woke-up with enthusiasim and excitement for the day ahead. I was so happy tp be awake and alive.
This week I am creating this same vitality. Ideally I want to wake-up at 6:30am each day. On Saturday I want to be awake by 8am. Sunday... a little different I will be up very late the night before, so I want to be out of bed by 9:30am.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Unknown
"The most visible creators I know are those artists whose medium is life itself. The ones who express the inexpressible - without brush, hammer, clay or guitar. They neither paint nor sculp - their medium is being. Whatever their presence touches has increased life. They see and don't have to draw. They are the artists of being alive." Unknown
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Can single women be friends with men?
I went to a Candle in the Sun Gathering this evening. It was great... a group of people being led through a meditation which guides us to our true power and our manifestation abilities. I of course, focussed on creating a loving, strong, respectful, trusting relationship with a man who is also my best friend and lover. Yadda yadda yadda.
There was a very cute man there called Cory. I know him from a few years back when we both worked at Bikram's Yoga. Then I saw him again this summer at the Vancouver Folk Festival. He did not remember me at the Folk Fest and Ian, the meditation leader, was there and introduced us.
So, tonight when Cory was there, we caught each others eyes. He smiled. He caught my eye again, and he smiled again. (I was not a total insecure bitch, I did smile at him).
At the end of the evening he approached me, and we had a fantastic conversation. We were both very engaged, curious and focussed. He did not remember me from anything... he said I looked "familiar". I told him who I was and how he knew me. Then he recalled.
In the summer, Ian wanted me to connect with Cory because we were both single and aware people. Cory had my business card and never called. I had no attachments to it. It was what it was.
Then tonight Cory told me he still had my card. I said, "oh". Then he immediately said that he was in a relationship. I said, "congratulations." He told me that he noticed me and that he was really drawn towards my energy and that I radiated. I said, "Thank You."
Then it was weird.
I find it so strange. Men either totally connect with me, and immediately they have to mention they are in a relationship. Or, men are totally disengaged.
Why is it not possible to have an engaging conversation or friendship with a man who is in a relationship?
Are single women really that much of a threat?
I was feeling really good... but, then I felt kind of crappy driving home.
I use to have tons of male friends... now, not so much. They have gone into relationships, and it is weird. It is so strange.
I would love to be friends with some guys.... authentically be friends with them. No strings attached.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Sponge Bob and Obssessions
There is this man in my life whom I met during Labour Day Long Weekend 2005. I am slightly infatuated by him. I really like him. I do not know him... we know each others names. He knows the inside of my apartment and van. I know his music and website (which I am totally guilty of stalking).
After I read the book "he is just not that into you", I finally realized that he is just not that into me. I sat waited for him to call or email me for 10 days before I understood that he was just not that into me. Then I totally let the idea of him go.... poof.
Then this week I began planning my summer 2006 work schedule. He has some information which I would like to have. I dropped him a friendly and direct email asking him for help. He responded... and now I am totally and unhealthily hooked.
Argh.
Today during my downward dog I daydreamed of him. I was totally faking being present in Yoga. I was impatient to get to Savasnah because I wanted to lay back and daydream.
How can I be perfectly normal and independent one day, and then totally freaky obsessive the next?
I don't even live in the same town as this guy. Yet, I dream of us falling in love and living happily ever after. This is where I get very concerned up my stability and I think I need a severe reality check.
I got a severe reality check back in September at a 31st Birthday Party for a friend. We were playing pinata with Sponge Bob Square Pants. People were taking turns hitting him with blindfolds. When one woman took her turn she swung the metal stick very hard. One piece flew off of the stick, hit a log post and then it hit me in the forehead.
I got knocked down. My whole right bum cheek was severly bruised. I also got a minor concussion, and three stitches!
When the times were good with Sponge Bob.
This is the moment immediately after I got hit with the metal rod. I was going down. Notice the silver metal piece missing from the end of the red broom.
Bossy Bitch stabbing Sponge Bob when I was at the hospital after my head got split open.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I want this man's babies.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Having Babies Conversation.
I was doing so well with my new possibilities of being loving and happy until..... I went for dinner with 7 couples and they started talking about planning for babies. I would have totally freaked out if I had any alcohol in me.... thank god I was sober. So I just sat back, recognized the emotions, acknowledge my break down and then I thought.... I am creating myself to be loving and happy because these are just rackets.
It sort of worked, nobody knew I was having a mental breakdown... but, my wall reappeared. I felt disengaged for the rest of the evening.
What I did notice last night was that many people are disengaged. That being engaged and present is a very unusual and weird occurance.
I think there were a couple of married men also freaking out about the baby conversation. I think that the four of us in the conversation were all freaking out privately.
Dillon was totally withdrawn and blending in with the furniture in an absolutely brilliant way. He and his wife are trying to make babies right now. He might have been freaking out about this being his reality very soon.
John was responding to Jenn, who was the one talking about babies, but he was definately not saying a lot. He is married and still a law student, he could have been freaking out about the financial resposibility.
Jenn was talking about wanting babies in the next 3-4 years, but she is freaking out because her boyfriend still has not proposed, and the clock is ticking.
I am freaking out, because if her clock is ticking, what is mine doing and I am still single. There is no way I am even close to having babies. I could be 40 by the time I have a baby, if I ever have babies. Then I think, I better go work out tomorrow and do yoga 6 days a week. This will help me have babies when I am 40.
Today I woke up and walking for an hour, then yoga for 1.5 hours, then walking for another hour. I touched my abs alot to make sure they are strong. I want to be in good shape for having babies at 40.
Everyone is disengaged and freaking out.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Living Passionately
Living Passionately: The Art and Mastery of Playing the Game of Life.
A person who is living passionately makes little distinction between work and play, mind and body, labour and leisure, love and religion, education and recreation.
I am taking a new seminar course, which I feel totally inspired by, and I am totally committed to this seminar. I am being hungry for it and life. I am bringing it into existance along with other of life's commitments by writing it all down, and I am taking ownership.
I am ready to change my life. I am ready to be a player in life.
Today and yesturday I wore a bra for the first time in years - excluding the time I was bridesmaid this past summer. It is a strange and confining experience. I am not a big fan. My roomate thinks I just have to get accustomed to it.... but I don't think I like the bra thing.
Today was a productive day. I had a 6:45am meeting with BNI downtown on the 35th floor of a hotel... it was so beautiful when the sun came up. This is an amazing city.
Then I went for a quick walk to the ocean to just take it all in. From 9:30am-11:30am I had a yoga. Then a meeting with Susan to talk about ordering. But, we get very distracted with each other. We like to talk too much.
Then I worked all afternoon with focus and determination. I accomplished a lot. In the evening I did a quick shop at Staples, then to a 3 hour Seminar.
Viv got to meet Udo tonight, the man behind Udo products. She said that he was amazing. She is totally inspired. She is so sweet. She brought back a huge bottle of plant based oils.
I love it because I am determined to have beautiful hair, and great skin. I need more oils to make this a reality. I am eating fish.
I think the fish makes me horny and happy. I just have so much energy!
Tomorrow I am meeting with a possible business coach, then lots of work. I am so excited to experience tomorrow!
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
A New Friend
Today was a day. Do I feel transformed? Not quite. I am not bursting with energy or excitement. But I am energetic and excited. I do feel really good. I feel back to who I am. I feel myself. I feel strong, confident, secure, funny, loving, understanding, compassionate, and sweet. I like it.
I am really glad that I redid the Landmark Forum. And, I stand for people in my life to take the Forum as well. My goal is to have my family and friends transform themselves. I love them all and I want them to be who they want to be.
I shopped around town today, checking out the competition. I did some research. I went for a drink with my cousin Jen. I went to Yoga with Tracy - it was a challenge. I was sweating alot. Then I met Ryan from the Landmark Forum for dinner at Hell's Kitchen.
It was great to spend time with Ryan. He is a phenomenal person. We are friends. I like this becuase it allows me to remove my barriers and just let myself be me with out my little voice citing all my rackets to me. It is so nice to create a friendship with a man. I love it. This is really special for me.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Life is empty and meaningless
My whole blog has been rackets and strong suits. I have complained about all of these bad dating experiences with evil and weak men. I have made all the men wrong. I have blamed them for my inability to find love and happiness. But, I am strong and indepedent... so I don't need a man. I can do it on my own.
Now this stops.
I have now learned that life is empty and meaningless and it is empty and meaningless that it is empty and meaningless. Life is just that and nothing.
Sex is hot it is hot. When it is not it is not.
I am feeling good becuase I am feeling good.
I choose to be single because I choose to be single.
I choose to be happy because I choose to be happy.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Enlightenment at 4:52pm
I think the Grandpa letter is weird.
I went to a great party with so many hot, good looking men. WOW!!!!!
I finally met the infamous Lino - I told him he was infamous. He is my close friend Jenn's older brother's best friend. Lino was very cute...
I also met a man in the parkade this morning. We saw each other as we drove looking for parking. then we parked, we chatted briefly, then I left for the forum. In the evening when I got back to my car, he had left a note under my windshield wiper blade with "Call Me, Derek..." and his number.
Plus, Nick the DJ from New Years emailed me this a couple of days ago:
"
Hey there
I promised myself that i would stop collecting people's email and
phone #s and not doing anything with them.Oh it's Nick from the new
years partay.I hope you had a good time,your friend Nick reminds me of
a friend of mine.Anyhoo i'm playing at Club 23 west cordova this sat.I
think i'm starting the nite off so i'm on 11:00 -12:45am.i would love
to see you there and if not just give me a quick hello.people who
love to dance should stay in touch.gotta go talk to you soon.
Nmd "
I judged this email as being non-direct and weak. I did not respond and tonight is Saturday. I thought Nick was great.... but, this email does not grab me. If anyone reads my blogs, please comment and give me advice. I am totally frozen on this one.
There is also Ryan who is in the Forum this weekend. He is a very cute 33 year old.... who dresses and looks like he is 24. He is great. He likes me, he seeks me out on breaks, he looks at me a lot. He is very nice. There are two reasons I am dodgy of him. He is the forum to help heal his relationship from his ex-girlfriend of 4 years whom he broke up with 5 months ago. And, he is not quite a man yet. He is still deciding what he wants to do with his life. He has been a forest fire fighter for 11 years. He takes every winter to snowboard. This is sexy and great for someone in their early to mid-twenties... but, this is not a quality I seek in a life partner.
So many men.... so many options. The competition is tough. It is like I am on a dating show, and I have to constantly eliminate in order open the door for more. I am open to men, but I also want to be patient with the process of finding the right one without being judgemental. And I feel totally judgemental about some of these guys.
Maybe enlightenment will strike me at 4:52pm tomorrow and this will all be very clear.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Second Letter
Dear Grandpa,
This is a strange letter for me to write because I do not know you. I have no relationship with you, and nor have I desired one. People who knew you from years back and saw your behaviour, do not have anything nice to say about you. People say you are mean.
Maybe you are mean. So am I... sometimes.
I am taking a course called the Landmark Forum. I am came to the Forum to accomplish greater success and happiness in my life. What I am actually accomplishing is discovering where I have not be real or authentic with people in my life. I am learning that I am determined to be strong and independent. In order to be these, then I must do things alone. I am must go ahead with all ideas and projects on my own. I do not ask for help and I rarely accept help. I pretend to be close to people, but I share very little with them. The impact of this behaviour is that I am alone and lonely. I am mean because I feel alone. I do not want people to see I am alone, so I sting them when they get too close.
The possibility I am creating in my life is the possibility to be loving, happy and vulnerable.
I am sharing this possibility with you because I want to create a relationship with you. I want to spend time with you and learn more about your life and who you are. I also want to thank you for the inheritance you gave me. I never thanked you because I was afraid of you and I did not like you becuase no one else likes you. I now see that you were reaching out and trying to make a connection. I did not allow this connection to happen. I am sorry.
Love Unity
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
My Strong Suits
Landmark Forum has a concept that there are three distinguishing times in our lives where we were impacted by an event, and in order to compensate for our story about the event we create a way of being. These three ways of being created determine our behaviour and personality in our adult lives.
My First Event:
Grade 1
I was having difficulty learning subtraction. I just did not get it. I had to redo and redo the subtraction questions until I got it. I missed spending lunch outside on a nice day because I had to stay in and learn subtraction. Everyone else in my class understood subtraction. I felt like I was alone and left out of something. I felt different. I felt like something was wrong. I felt failure that I was not enough.
In order to compensate for this event, I act seperate and dumb. I think I am dumb. I nearly failed every grade in elementary school and high school. I always think I am missing something - that I do not quite get it.
My Second Event:
Grade 4
My desk was right next too my best friends. We were talking. I got moved. I got very upset and emotional. I was upset that I was the one who had to move. I took it personally. During this occurance, my parents were out of town for a couple of weeks. The class photo was being taken that day. I felt like an adult because I chose my outfit without my mother censoring my style. I was wearing jeans and a white collar shirt at an age when only dorky flower Laura Ashley dresses were appropiate for class photos. During the photo my face was red and wet with tears, I was not smiling. My teacher gave me a stern conversation for not smiling and wearing jeans. The other kids teased me. That day I felt like I did not belong.
In order to compensate for this event, I am very well liked. I am popular. I am charasmatic. I am trendy, but I am not too far fetched with my clothes, I always fit in the boundaries of what is acceptable. I am cute and charming.
My Third Event:
Summer between Grade 10 & 11
I was at summer camp for 2 weeks. A group of girls in the same program as me, but in a different cabin decided they did not like me. They said some mean things to me. I also had some weird things happen with my body. I had extreme diarhhea from a water skiing fall. Plus I got extreme food poisoning (To this day I think those girls put something in my food.). I puked all over the publis bathroom in front of people, plus for the first time ever my mom was there to comfort me when I was sick or clean up after me. I had to clean the puke up. I learned that I was on my own.
In order to compensate, I push people away, I keep them distant. I keep to myself. I spend a lot of time alone. I am secretive. And I quietly study and secretly do things to get ahead in life.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Sharing - Assignment 3
Assignment 3 for the forum is to write a letter to someone who I have been inauthentic with or have been running a racket with.
Who.... I am thinking Brent. Or, Jenn. Or.... there are a few. I also need to make some phone calls. Oh god. I am so scared to do this. I feel like I have been too terrible. I am going to sleep and I will see what happens.
Or, just to finish this Assignment I will do it now.
Dear Brent,
What I came to the Landmark Forum to accomplish is to create success in business and to create better relationships. What I am actually accomplishing is seeing where I have been inauthentic with the people I care about in my life. I am also realizing that my inauthenticity has an impact on my life and those around me. I have been afraid of showing men that I care. Instead, I have been tough and resigned. My fear is that if I allow myself to care about someone, and if I let them know that I care, that they will reject me. That they will see this caring as a weakness in me. The reason I have this as a fear is because there have been close relationships in my life, where I really liked someone and I openly communicated this to them... then shortly after the relationship. I have corrolated these two incidents to be the same. I have made caring mean rejection.
The possibility that I have invented for myself and my life is the possibility of being courageous and loving. I want to be courageous enough to be loving.
I have not acknowledge how generous, patient and good you are to me. I am willing to give up my belief that caring for someone is bad. I am willing to give up my belief that I need to be tough and beautiful in order to be accepted. I am ready to graciously recieve all that you have to offer. I am willing to create the possibility that your intentions for wanting to get to know me better are true and authentic. I am willing to create the possibility of being courageous as I open myself up to you. I am willing to create the possibility that you actually like me for me. I invite you to explore greater possibilities for our relationship with me.
Unity
So, I write the letter. I bawled while I wrote this letter. Then I added the last line... and I totally freaked out in my mind. I began a racket of... oh, I don't mean like being exclusive or falling in love or having sex or ..... basically, I totally freaked out because I felt weak and vulnerable. Meaning, I am totally like this huge target which would be really easy to reject.
Fuck.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Courage and Love
The possibility that I am inventing for myself and my life is the possibility of being courageous and loving.
I am couregeousness enough to ask for help. I am loving enough to accept the help.
I am creating the possibility of being Loving.
Today was my first day of the Landmark Forum, and my second time doing the Forum. I am coming from a different place this time. I am calmer, and more open to the forum. I want to really get it this time. Two years ago, I got it, but then I lost it... somewhere between falling off of a moving a train and punching someone.
The First Assignment is:
Look back through my life to discover what my rackets are.
My biggest complaints in life always have the word "enough" in them. I am not rich enough. I am not successful enough. I am not healthy enough. I am not smart enough. I am not nice enough. I am caring enough. Men are not loving enough. No one is loving enough.
The pay off for me to have these complaints or "rackets" is that I get to be right and everyone else wrong. I get to dominate. I get to win.
The costs of these rackets are numourous and something I would like to look at individually.
The racket I was focussed on tonight in the forum was: My friends, family, and men are not loving enough.
With this racket I got to justify my wicked and mean behaviour. My attitude was - you would find life difficult too if you had love lacking in your relationships. I had resentment and anger towards my friends, parents and anyone who was in a relationship. I was/am angry that they get to experience that love. So I was mean to people in relationships. I would be cutting with my words, I would ignore them, I would brush them off, I would behave like they were weak and needy because they were in love.
What my rackets and payoffs costs me was love. All of this cost me the one thing I want the most.... love. Plus I was fatigued, I was disempowered, and I was lonely.
Tonight, another repeat taker of the Landmark Forum drove me home. He is 28 and runs his own business. He approached me with some business ideas.... a lot of shoulds.... you should do this, or try this, or I know so and so.... The conversation continues.
During the ride home he started giving me all of this "coaching" about my rackets, payoffs, and costs. He was really niggling me. Like he was trying to get in real deep. I got what he was saying... but, I was annoyed.
What I did next is very typical of my behaviour with men who try to give me advice. I freaked out. I stung him with my scorpian tale. I said something like, I didn't ask for your advice, and I feel you really pushing all of this onto me. I feel annoyed and frustrated. And, I don't want to share with you.
He stopped. I was expecting him to become defensive...but, he said, You are right, I was being a Junior Landmark Leader (slang for people who think they totally get it and then start coaching others even though they are forum attendees).
I was astonished. His comment felt so honest. I felt it in my heart.
But, then the inner dialogue in my head started: I am right. What a prick. Men are so dominating. Men are so annoying. This is why I don't like dating. How dare he try and tell me something I already know. I am right. (Notice that I said I am right twice)
I went on grumbling in my head for another 15 minutes. Now, the grumbling is not me, it is the constant human commentary - right/wrong, true/fasle, should/shouldn't, and more. All these comments are about me looking good and avoiding looking bad.
Once the thought I am right rolled through my inner commentary for like the 10th time, I heard this inner dialogue. I heard myself hanging on to my rackets. I heard it. I get the racket. I get that I am hanging on to it for pay off and that I am sacrificing other things for this. But, then I started to cry and grumble louder.
I came over to my parents place to house sit after all of this. It is like midnight when I arrive and I have to go through security at the front guy. The security guard was so nice, but I was so rude and bitchy to him. I have a racket with having to go through security to see my parents. Plus, my van, because it is big and ugly, is not permitted to be parked on the premis over night. So I have to walk in. I am angry about this. I do not like the snotty neighbours who decided this. But, the security has to communicate what the snotty neighbours want. And I get frustrated with security.
So what I am feeling tonight is anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness. I am not having any breakthroughs. I was not coachable tonight in the car. I was angry at this guy for even attempting to coach me.
What I realized was that I had another racket around people helping me. Specifically men of my own age. I get annoyed with men who try to give me advice in a social setting. It really annoys me. I interpret their help as they think I am weak and stupid, so they need to help me. I actually get really annoyed with people in general.
The impact is, I feel alone and I am sad because I feel alone.
I also create this big cover up for m loneliness, I make it about something else. In order to look good, I am always acting strong and independent. I can do it. I don't need help. I am tough. I have handled some pretty difficult and challenging situations, and I don't need your help.
This is my racket.
The possibility that I am inventing for myself and my life is the possibility of being courageous and loving.
I am couregeousness enough to ask for help. I am loving enough to accept the help.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Transitions to Clarity
I have been faithfully reading "Mars and Venus on a Date" and "Why Men Love Bitches". Already, my dating life and my perspective have changed dramatically. I feel better and so much clearer. I now understand that everytime I became rejected by a man it was because I had taken on some aspect of being a pursuer. I was not just graciously recieving. This also explains why Brent and I have been dating for 4 months. I have been only recieving from him - and this is why our relationship works.
Tomorrow I am doing the Landmark Forum... this is a crazy, intense 3 day seminar. I am very excited to be doing this. I need clarity. I want to remove all of these silly thoughts which are preventing me from achieving success in business, finances and love. I really believe that this seminar is going to help me immensely.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I am slowly getting this mating thing.
Maybe I romantisize what being in a relationship is. A couple of days ago I wrote about how wonderful it would be to just know that you are going to spend New Years with your lover. But, what I saw last night was something totally different. I saw two couples struggling to not only please each other but their friends as well.
In the couple scenerio, the individual could not say, I am going to do this. Because, when they said this there were at least 2 or 3 other people they had to take into account - their lover and their friend and their friend's lover. It turned into a red hot evening. There was 8 of us, three of which are Brazilian. This is too many people to organize. All of us wanted to party, dance and have a let loose party time, except for the two Canadian men who had people they promised they would see or they were chasing the little white powder and just trying to get their hands on more..
It ended up being 6 of us following these two men around to two very boring parties and a fun party where we were for the countdown. The group of 5 us garnished a bad attitude at the first boring party. It was in someone's parents home in a chi-chi part of town. The whole house was decorated in beige. The music was this weird elevator music. It was boring. But, it was also where one of the city's big coke dealers was..... so I guess the party had a lot of coke at it. There were a lot of really high people just being really high and listening to bad music. The five us who had a really big amount of energy which was ready to explode wanted to find something alive, something to get a little crazy at.
I reached my boiling point.... at about 2:45am, after I had spent 2 hours working towards the party I wanted to go to. I lost all patience with the situation. I was very much like, you are either in this taxi or out of it.... there is no, hmming and hawing. I get totally dramatic when I drink and lose my patience. Like I am totally over the top. My mouth is big, I am straight forward and cutting.
This Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde personality is the reason I am not drinking for a month. I do not like how I switch. I don't hang onto my anger.... I just puke out the words in a tongue and cheek way. It is very rude to the people I am with. My goal is to not be like this anymore. So no more alcohol.
Anyways, last night I was so happy to be single.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
2006
My New Years was terrific. I had a great time. Some weird moments with men who do not listen and then pout when they do not get their way. There were some tough couples arguing moments, where the women and the men could not agree on what to do. And, these are the times that I am so glad that I am not in a relationship.
It took me 2 hours, but I finally ended up at a party at 568 Hawkes Street in a loft. It was great. There were 3 different djs playing. They were all fantastic. I danced for 3 hours. I love to dance. It is such a release for me. I definately do not dance enough.
I read about 50 pages from each of these books tonight: "Why Men Love Bitches" and "Mars and Venus on a date". I learned a lot. Wow. So basically, I just have to make it really tough for men. Then they will really want me.
This is probably why Brent and I are still together after 4 months! It is crazy. Of course, we are still in the dating phase, I don't think we have even reached uncertainty, and we are definately not exclusive.
I got hit on a lot tonight. It was out of control. My friend Nick - tonight was the first time we have ever hung out - was giving me the I-am-hot-vibes. It may have worked but he was also very, very high on ecstacy. I got asked out three times today - Nick, Dave and a second Nick.
Nick called me about 3 hours after he asked me out in panic, becuase he just started dating another woman.
Dave was nice, but definately a wuss. He could not take his eyes off of me. He figured out I was a vegetarian. I asked him where he would take me on a first date, he said Gotham Steakhouse. I asked if he could come up with better than that... and he really struggled. I told him a solid no.
The second Nick was very nice. He was one of the djs tonight. He is.... I don't think he is my type. He has that skinny, pale I-party-too-much look about him.
So my New Years Resolutions.
I am going to be happy to be me this year. I am doing great. Everthing in my life is fantastic. This is the best time of my life and I am so lucky to be experiencing this. I am so excited to be at this moment in my life and time. There is so much for me to learn, and so many people to meet, and so much to experience.
No more pouty times and poopy attitude.
To help me accomplish and recognize my happiness... I am cutting alcohol out of my diet. I am also going to stop biting my nails. I am going to save my money and not spend it. I am going to reconnect with friends... I am going to make more one on one time with a variety of people. I am going to take self-improvement courses. I am going to really recognize my own greatness and uniqueness. I am going to celebrate my independence.
2006 is going to be a great year.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Only Hours Remaining
Only a few more hours left of 2005. I still do not have concrete plans. The island plans fell through. I should actually get on top of this situation. I feel very content right now. I want to clean my apartment and read a good book. But.... I should really get some plans happening.
