Love Stuck

I am creating the possibility of being Loving.

Today was my first day of the Landmark Forum, and my second time doing the Forum. I am coming from a different place this time. I am calmer, and more open to the forum. I want to really get it this time. Two years ago, I got it, but then I lost it... somewhere between falling off of a moving a train and punching someone.

The First Assignment is:
Look back through my life to discover what my rackets are.

My biggest complaints in life always have the word "enough" in them. I am not rich enough. I am not successful enough. I am not healthy enough. I am not smart enough. I am not nice enough. I am caring enough. Men are not loving enough. No one is loving enough.

The pay off for me to have these complaints or "rackets" is that I get to be right and everyone else wrong. I get to dominate. I get to win.

The costs of these rackets are numourous and something I would like to look at individually.

The racket I was focussed on tonight in the forum was: My friends, family, and men are not loving enough.

With this racket I got to justify my wicked and mean behaviour. My attitude was - you would find life difficult too if you had love lacking in your relationships. I had resentment and anger towards my friends, parents and anyone who was in a relationship. I was/am angry that they get to experience that love. So I was mean to people in relationships. I would be cutting with my words, I would ignore them, I would brush them off, I would behave like they were weak and needy because they were in love.

What my rackets and payoffs costs me was love. All of this cost me the one thing I want the most.... love. Plus I was fatigued, I was disempowered, and I was lonely.

Tonight, another repeat taker of the Landmark Forum drove me home. He is 28 and runs his own business. He approached me with some business ideas.... a lot of shoulds.... you should do this, or try this, or I know so and so.... The conversation continues.

During the ride home he started giving me all of this "coaching" about my rackets, payoffs, and costs. He was really niggling me. Like he was trying to get in real deep. I got what he was saying... but, I was annoyed.

What I did next is very typical of my behaviour with men who try to give me advice. I freaked out. I stung him with my scorpian tale. I said something like, I didn't ask for your advice, and I feel you really pushing all of this onto me. I feel annoyed and frustrated. And, I don't want to share with you.

He stopped. I was expecting him to become defensive...but, he said, You are right, I was being a Junior Landmark Leader (slang for people who think they totally get it and then start coaching others even though they are forum attendees).

I was astonished. His comment felt so honest. I felt it in my heart.

But, then the inner dialogue in my head started: I am right. What a prick. Men are so dominating. Men are so annoying. This is why I don't like dating. How dare he try and tell me something I already know. I am right. (Notice that I said I am right twice)

I went on grumbling in my head for another 15 minutes. Now, the grumbling is not me, it is the constant human commentary - right/wrong, true/fasle, should/shouldn't, and more. All these comments are about me looking good and avoiding looking bad.

Once the thought I am right rolled through my inner commentary for like the 10th time, I heard this inner dialogue. I heard myself hanging on to my rackets. I heard it. I get the racket. I get that I am hanging on to it for pay off and that I am sacrificing other things for this. But, then I started to cry and grumble louder.

I came over to my parents place to house sit after all of this. It is like midnight when I arrive and I have to go through security at the front guy. The security guard was so nice, but I was so rude and bitchy to him. I have a racket with having to go through security to see my parents. Plus, my van, because it is big and ugly, is not permitted to be parked on the premis over night. So I have to walk in. I am angry about this. I do not like the snotty neighbours who decided this. But, the security has to communicate what the snotty neighbours want. And I get frustrated with security.

So what I am feeling tonight is anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness. I am not having any breakthroughs. I was not coachable tonight in the car. I was angry at this guy for even attempting to coach me.

What I realized was that I had another racket around people helping me. Specifically men of my own age. I get annoyed with men who try to give me advice in a social setting. It really annoys me. I interpret their help as they think I am weak and stupid, so they need to help me. I actually get really annoyed with people in general.

The impact is, I feel alone and I am sad because I feel alone.

I also create this big cover up for m loneliness, I make it about something else. In order to look good, I am always acting strong and independent. I can do it. I don't need help. I am tough. I have handled some pretty difficult and challenging situations, and I don't need your help.

This is my racket.

The possibility that I am inventing for myself and my life is the possibility of being courageous and loving.

I am couregeousness enough to ask for help. I am loving enough to accept the help.



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 6:19 PM