Playing the game of life and killing the gremlins.

I Do Not Have a Mental Illness

It has been almost a year and here I pop on again. Why am I so on and off?

I just joined Twitter. I am single again. Not a big shocker it seems to be my way in life. Just time to really accept. To stop all this resistance to what is.

I wish I had a partner. I wish that I was in love. I wish it, I really do. But I am single and I seem to spend a lot of time single.

I have been to therapy this year. I was absolutely convinced that I had a mental illness. I booked an appointment with the Psychotherapist Doctor purely to get some medication and diagnosis. When I told him why I thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar over a few sessions he concluded that the men in my life were jerks and it was best to let them go.

So where are all of these good guys? Why can't I meet one?

I am not convinced that if I got breast enhanced that this would help increase my chances of meeting Mr. Right. Kind of sick. But, men are sucker for boobs and if it gets more men looking at me and saying 'hi' to me, then I will have more men to choose from.

Right.



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 10:36 AM 0 comments

I am still in recovery from last night. Now I am not stoned and not feeling all mystical and enlightened it is hard to face the reality of my actions.

I am embarassed. I do need to take responsibilty for what I have done. There are three men in my life whom I have treated unfairly - Buff, Karl and my Dad. They are three men whom I see on a regular basis and know well. Yet, I have so much anger towards them all for different reasons. Why do I think it is okay to get mad at men?

I don't want to be this person. I really want to be better than this. But, I am not becuase I am this anger and projection.

I am going to call Landmark for some coaching right now. I am scared.

No one answered. Maybe, there offices are not opened yet.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:12 AM 0 comments

Safe & Secure

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 5:55 PM 0 comments

Foolish Woman

I have made a commitment to my coach to do some journaling this week. I can't remember what about.....

Oh, yes, I have decided to relax more and go with the flow. To just pretend I am still on vacation and not to fight or resist what is happening.

How is that going for me. Ok.

Yesturday, one of my jewellery designers, whom I have decided not to carry anymore, had many, many, many words to say to me. She was not interested in hearing what I had to say. I just decided to let her talk, listen and then not to defend myself - to not try and be right.

This is probably my biggest issue. This need to be right all the time. I guess I have a sense of righteousness. B called me controlling and arrogant - in his most loving tone back when we were happy.

I am still blown off course, on how a relationship can go from being so fantastic to so horrible so quickly.

I am having intense feelings of insecurities. I think I have developed a social anxiety. I have tiny little freak outs when going to parties. I am feeling like a failure and I am feeling extremely embarrassed by it.

I am feeling like a failure over being single at 31. I view this as atrocious. And I think one of the things I am mad at myself about is not keeping my mouth shut. I do believe right now, that it would have been better if I had sucked it up and demanded less. I should have been more satisfied and not put so much emphasis on what makes me happy in a relationship and try to understand more about what makes B happy. And perhaps, that is what really matters - what makes the man happy. I somehow feel that what I needed to be happy in the relationship had some irrelevance to B. I thought it was so important, but it is one of the things that blew us apart from each other.

It made B happy to not have to talk to me every day. It made B happy to live in a different city than me. It made B to have a flirtatious relationship with another woman outside of our relationship. It made B happy to ignore me when he was mad with me. It made B happy to not want to have kids with me or marry me.

I was a foolish woman to put the demands on him to call me and not to cheat on me. Just silly really.

I am feeling totally lost in this world of men and women. Do men really want to get married? I am under the impression that men do not want children - that they are not biologically designed to desire children. Nor, are they biologically designed to sleep with only one woman or to get married.

Why do I bother. I should just accept that I am less person and therefore, I should put up with all of this shit thrown towards me without fighting it or resisting it.

I want to not feel anymore. To not feel my anger or my sadness or my anxiety. I am willing to give up my highs for this. I just want to feel even and steady and balanced. No more emotions - good or bad.

Don't they have drugs for this? I need some of those.

Am I depressed. It is possible. I feel like a worthless person.

B's father raped his daughters and beat his kids - even causing a permanent mental disability to one daughter. B does not talk to his father. So when B did not talk to me - I relate this that he views me as a person equal to his father in character.

I think this is why I am feeling so much anxiety - that people know I am a dysfunctional personal - that it is only me that does not know. I feel like a horrible, horrible person. I am scared to talk to people or to get close because they will discover that I am terrible and crazy.

I know that I am not suppose to place so much of my self esteem and self thought on what one other person thinks of me. But, this one other person, really was the person that I loved the most. And, he totally just threw me away because I got upset one day.

I want to be swallowed up and to disappear.

I am drinking a drink every day. I almost need the liqour to feel better about myself. This is a new thing for me. I did not drink really at all in my twenties. I was confident and happy.

I want to run away from myself. To hide. To disappear. To leave everything.

I am wrecked. I am really sad. I am really scared.



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 5:58 AM 0 comments

I am lovable.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:55 PM 0 comments

Single on line

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 1:58 PM 0 comments

Mushroom Risotto

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 1:24 PM 0 comments

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 12:30 PM 0 comments

Bike

Hey Buff,

As I mentioned, it was unexpectedly difficult for me to see Keith this week. It has brought up so many thoughts and questions for me. If it was this hard for me to see Keith, it is going to be ridiculously hard for me to see you and I don't think it is a good idea. Which is why I want to know why you are so keen on buying this bike for me.

I just don't understand why you want to buy me this bike?

If there is any part of you that is wanting to do this out of guilt, then don't do it. I do not want a gift which is heavy in guilt energy. It takes the enjoyment of giving and recieving a gift away.

If you are feeling guilty, an apology or recognituion of what you are feeling is far more valuable than a material object.

A bike is not going to eliminate the guilt or pain either of us are feeling.

Also, if you buy me this bike, am I going to have to see you? I really don't know if I am ready for that. I would rather not have the bike if it means I have to see you to pick it up.

Are you wanting to pay me back for the hotel in Hakuba? So you reckon a bike is a good way to call it even? If this is the case, just send me a cheque and let's avoid the shenanagins around the bike.


I have been incredibly naive in my life in regards to love. I really believed in the idea that I would meet someone, fall in love with them and vice versa. I also really want to share my life with someone and I really want to be a strong part of someone else's life. And eventually to create a shared life together, building dreams and creating a wonderful balance of he and I.

I am feeling disappointed in myself this week. I am feeling like I a failure. I feel immature and young. I just feel really stupid.

During our relationship, I really doubted myself, and I was scared. Part of these emotions were due to the struggle I was experiencing with my business. As I mentioned on the phone; last year, I was so incredbily scared and freaked out. I do understand that this had a huge negative impact on our relationship. I apologize for this. I know that you were always there for me with encouraging words. When we were together, you always provided a shoulder for me to cry on, a good meal and a beautiful hug.

Also, part of my fear and doubt also came from our relationship. I really needed to feel loved. I loved you so much, more than I have loved any other man in my life. I was willing to sell myself short in the short term, becuase I truly believed that one day we would be able to spend more time together. Because we were not together in the present, I did look to the future, I needed an ideal, a goal, a dream to carry me through the hard periods of not being with you. I feel now that you did not see me in your future at all - I was just a temporary girlfriend for you, someone who would always be at a distance because I was too busy in my life to relocate for you.

I know now that I need to physically spend time with the man I love. And I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and not avoid it or dread it or make reasons as to why it cannot work.








live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 1:19 PM 0 comments

Purging

I did an Iowaska Ceremony last Saturday. It was good. Very mellow and relaxing. Not at all what I had anticipated it to be like.

I did not purge nor have a bad gut during the ceremony. There was some discomfort but nothing like I had experienced before in Ecuador. I was left the sense that I am constipated in my life. That I have a lot of stuck energy blocking everything.

Since the ceremony I have been focussing on one physical area of my life to purge - to clean, to throw out everything which is not serving me or contributing to my constipation.

Once again B and I are struggling. This is the furthest I have come from him - we have not seen each other since February 4th, in Tokyo. My friend Trent who I did the ceremony with compared me with a crack addict. Like I am just addicted to B and I start to wilt and fall apart when I don't have my fix. It is such a gross comparison and sadly so true. So we made a bet. Everytime I call B for the next two months until June 5th, then I owe Trent a $20 store credit.

I have started a rebound relationship. It has been so much fun. Sometimes I think I like the guy because I do enjoy his company immensely and I do spend a lot of time with him. But, I am scared of liking him for a few reasons. One being he is everything B was not - tall, 35 years, has hair, a bit pudgy, urban, slick styles, amazing communicator, works for big company, blue collar, slobby in his home, immaculate in his dress, stability and security.

I fluxuate between these two men. Sometimes I miss B immensely and I push Rebound away. Or, I am with Rebound and I push B away. But, basically I am replacing my crack addiction with cocaine.

Or, I am replacing my crack addiction with Big Brother 9. Wow, truly out there. So I am trying to replace my BB9 addiction with purging my life.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:24 AM 0 comments

Same Pathetic Place

I have not read or written on this blog in long while. Here I am in March of 2008. B and I had a fabulous fall and winter together.

In August we went to Toronto and cottage country together for a week. It was so much fun. Then he moved to V town in October for 6 weeks. Then we went Cat Skiing in teh Kootney's for New Years. And saw each other again in Japan in late January.

However, it is now the same place and I have the same concerns I had last June. It is pathetic. For more than a year I have been feeling the same things. I love B and it is great when we are together, but I feel a real resistance from him and lack of wanting to meet me half way.

I broke up with him last week. I know he and I have been through this so it really means nothing. More recently, I sent him an email saying it would be best if we did not see each other when he came to Vancouver. I mean it. I need a clean break away from him.

I am feeling bored and lazy. I have very little motivation to do stuff. My house is a pig stye, I am disorganized. I don't know, I am just feeling blah. But, I am not crying or emotional just blah.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 3:35 PM 0 comments

On and Off

On and off. This is B and I right now.

I love him but I feel like it is this struggle and people who are in healthy relationships say that it is not suppose to be hard. But it is hard with him and I.

I feel like he has so much resistance to me. So now I hold back... no calling, no emailing, no texting, no facebooking. Nada.

I need to open myself up to other men. I want to cut B out now completely. I need to consider myself single.

I want to be a with a man who is crazy excited to see me. B is excited see me, but he is also excited to get a full day of mountain biking in, to eat nachos and have beers with his friends. I am left waiting.

He arrived an hour and a half late for a date we had on Thursday. I was livid. Then I cried all night because I was so hurt and I was so mad. He stayed until Sunday morning. But, I just feel done. No more.

A very cute guy came into my store. His name is Dwight. He came in once before and I hope he comes back soon. He mentioned that he would. He grew up in Missasauga, Ontario, he is 37, and he is the youngest of 4 boys.

There is also Alejandro. Who I do enjoy. I hesitate with him. He is Mexican and I do not want to get entangled in another long distance scenerio.

I feel tired and I want a man who will help me. B is not the guy. He wants to help and he does help but he is in town so briefly and he needs to do personal errands so he is not able to help me as much as I would like.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 4:45 AM 0 comments

B and I

Things got extremely bad with B on Friday. Really bad.

I discovered on Thursday that I was going to have the weekend off - my first weekend off in months. I called B to see if he wanted to meet up. I told him I had to be in Vtown because of a wedding shower on Sunday at 1pm. I came to the realization that I would be really lame to stay in town for a wedding shower instead of taking off for 3 or 4 days. So I called him back to create new and different plans.

Anyways I am not sure what happened but over the course of a morning we were on the several together several times.

At one point I told him that someone from Nelson had told me they had heard he was flirting with another woman. I told him this. He confessed to kissing someone - a 40 year old with kids. I was slightly choked but I understood that we were broken up so ..... c'est la vie.

He told me that he realized from kissing her that he missed me immensely.

So anyhow it came out a couple of hours later in a different phone conversation that he had sex with her. Oh, I totally lost it. I could not speak for a couple of minutes.... then I just got really mad. I locked myself in my bathroom and I ripped my bathroom apart. I literally tore shelves off the wall and through things and broke things. Wow!! I don't think I have ever gotten that mad in my life.

That night after work I packed my car up to go camping. Around 8:30 pm I decided it was a better idea to join my roomate at the Sasquatch Music Festival at the Gorge. I reckoned I could meet some guy and flirt and have sex with him. I called B to talk to him. After a long conversation we decided that I would drive to Nelson and we would go camping on his land on Kootney Lake.

I left the city at 9:30pm, I drove for a few hours, slept in the car with Link and I arrived in Nelson at 11am the next day.

We had not seen each other since mid April. It was good. We were both very cautious, nice and apologetic at first. He made us a nice salad for lunch; then we fixed his boats windows and pack up.

We arrived at his land just as it was getting dark. The boat broke down and we had to paddle the last bit.

We smoked pot and drank that night just enjoying each other company. We slept next to each other.

The next morning we waked and baked which was a good start to the day. We basically spent the day walkin around his property with the dog and exploring his neighbours places. We talked a lot. We did mushrooms and E. We needed it.

He hugged me with these huge long hugs. Placing himself in a very vulnerable position. Gradually our barriers melted away.

We did not kiss until we were in the Hot Springs the next day. We were in the cave and we shared a very long intimate kiss.

It felt good to spending time with him. We do have an incredible connection.

Are we back together? I do not consider us back together. I am open to new experiences with him and other men. We will see each other again mid June. And I am thinking of going up to his land again on July long weekend.



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 6:42 AM 0 comments

loving and not loving

I called B this morning to tell him that I love him.

I feel like I am dual personality.... my healer tells me that we all feel this way. Sometimes I am loving and postive and optimistic; during these times I feel tuned in to my path and to the universe and I feel I understand my place. Then there are times when I feel tormented and sad and depressed. And I can fluxuate between these two parts of me very quickly and sometimes several times a day.

And since yesturday I have been feeling loving towards B. I understand that we have this conflict of being apart and having a long distance relationship... but I feel so deeply that he is someone who I want to be in my life. I feel like he and I are on the same way.

Although, yes, he did say in the break up email that it is time to go seperate ways.

Am I just being dillusional?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 5:25 AM 0 comments

How much space

Finally B and I are talking again. He has returned from Greenland. Things got worse as he fell asleep when we had set up a time to meet. Then he texted me the next day to apologize. I kind of lost it after that. I was an emotional mess. I could not work. I left town for a few days and went camping at Long Beach with Link.

I have been really sad the past few weeks. There is a part of me which is still in love with B and I believe that he is the one for me. Then there is part of me that is so disappointed, hurt and angry by his behaviour that I am happy our relationship is over.

We have spoken on the phone three times. Two conversations were mostly me telling him how hurt and upset I am. He listened patiently. I spent a lot of time being in his business. Then we had one converstation where we both apologized. I was sincerely sorry for my behaviour.

He told me he wants to come to Vancouver for a week or so. I am on the fence. I really want to see him.... but he has been really immature. I ask myself who in my life would support me getting back together with B. I am not sure if anyone would after what he did.

I got upset on the phone on a Tuesday. He did not return any of my calls then he left for Greenland the next day. There was no contact between us until I got an email from him Friday morning breaking up with me. Then we did not talk on the phone for another 2 weeks when he was in town for one night...

I gave him a lot of reflections last night. They were not all nice and not necessarily true.

Cristine told me it was up to me if B and I got back together... becuase I would have to forgive him. I don't know if I can. I feel thtt if I forgive him then I am being a doormat. But maybe I need to work on forgiveness. I need to understand how forgiveness feels and the greater impact it can have on a relationship.

B runs away from confrontation where I deal with head on and full of energy. I do not back down. He is the chihahua and I am pit bull.

He told me that he would call me today. We will see. I would love it if he called me today but I have learned with him not to expect him to do what he says he will do.

He told me on Tuesday night that he loves that he just needs his space. I understand. But, he has not seen me in over a month... so how much space does he need?



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 3:19 AM 0 comments

A possibility

I just met with Ben the son of the Angel Communicator. I spoke to him for a long time and I listened to him for a long time. He is only 18. A very normal 18 year old - he skate boarded here, he likes to party, he is finishing high school soon... yet, he is so insightful.

What I learned from him is that there is hope with B. That B did love me and that he still loves me a reasonable amount. There is hope that we can work through this. But, it is entirely up to B. I need to let go of him. Focus on myself. When I see him this week, I need to speak softly, to listen, to be patient, to create a space for him to be.

I already feel like this is stuff I learned this week .... but it does help to listen to someone else tell me the same things.

I do have a lot of sadness in me with the end of B. I really do not want it to end. Ben could not tell me if we are or are not going to get back together. It will be a spoiler and I will not learn what I need to learn.

He basically said that I need to listen more. That I need to kick back and relax and not be so demanding of who I am or what my expectations are. I need to let go of expectations.

Ben also said that with Buff this is an unresolved issue with his mom - who died 2 years ago. This does make me feel better. But, I do feel terrible for getting angry with him and not being a patient person.

Ben also said that it is okay to get angry but it is not okay to just express this anger on other people. I do need to work on this.

He mentioned that becuase my energy is so strong that although it is important for me to be myself, it is also important for me to listen to others more - to just be quieter.

It is up to me if I want to see B this week. I need to give him space. ... But I can manifest what I want.

I love B, I want to see him.

Ben said that there was a possibility that B and I can work through this.

A possibility - there is hope.

Ben also said that there was B did think of marriage with me.

Ben said that I will get married and I will have kids.

Things may not work out with B - I love him and I really hope they do. I need to let go..... no expectations.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 12:09 PM 0 comments

Scorpio & Cancer

SCORPIO AND CANCER COMPATIBILITY

You harmonize with Cancer, because the Moon, ruling planet of Cancer, combines with your Pluto to promote a constructive relationship. You could marry a Cancer because there is, with a native of this sign, a desire to settle down and have a home of your own. Cancer affects that part of your chart having to do with long-range planning. You look ahead; you make adjustments. You begin to utilize your assets more intelligently. You begin an investment program. You gain Power because more people become aware of what you're about with Cancer, there is a solidity and you can bring together dissenting factions. Listen: you possess loads of power, creative ability which needs an outlet. Cancer helps find that outlet. Cancer makes a home or makes it possible for you to obtain a place you can call home. The Moon of Cancer has a magnetic appeal for you. Where disruptive elements exist, they evaporate when you get together with Cancer.

Both Cancer and Scorpio are of the Water element; both are sensitive and predisposed toward being psychic. There is a bond of understanding here. You could meet a Cancerian and feel you have known that person for a number of years. The appeal is on mental, emotional and physical levels. Now, listen: I am not attempting to describe some sort of utopia. Not all will be perfect with Cancer, nor with the native of any other sign. But the odds for your success with Cancer are greater than with numerous other natives. There is no sensational blast; the evolvement is gradual, but the progress is steady. You build, with Cancer, on a solid foundation. If patient and perceptive, mature and receptive, you could find greater happiness and fulfillment as a result of your association with Cancer. In actuality, Scorpio, of course, it is up to you.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 11:38 AM 0 comments

Numerology

Bouquet for U and B

3 roses and 6 thistles .

Your relationship is becoming more and more difficult, the fuse is alight and you're merely waiting for the explosion. You don't agree on several issues and you are both too stubborn to concede. Some people enjoy arguments, but all the time?


Bouquet for U and B...

5 roses and 4 thistles .

Not a bad match, you get along well and know how to put things back together after a fight. The most important thing is that you enjoy each other's company, and find one another stimulating. Your connection is based on rare mutual attraction.



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 11:22 AM 0 comments

More and more

Romantic Compatibility

The Compatibility and Interaction Scorpio and Cancer This partnership may bloom like a flower! Both the parties are very intense and passionate. The relationship they share may be exceptionally strong and wholehearted. A Scorpio is possessive, and possession include near ones with a jealous eye. A Cancer will understand this and give never a cause for mistrust. A Scorpio loves a neat and comfortable home and so does Cancer. In this respect they may complement each other. They are both great home lovers. A Cancer may not meet another sign that has the potential of evolving a sensual side that may bloom in the physical union between the two. Love and sex will be so intermingled that an emotional Cancer will find it very stimulating. This is an excellent partnership.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 11:21 AM 0 comments

More Compatibility

Scorpio - Cancer
Compatibility Reading

When Cancer and Scorpio come together, the resulting relationship brings together two Signs of great emotional depth. Signs such as these often combine well, each partner's strengths balancing the other's weaknesses. These Signs have a strong sexual attraction, and when they are together the temperature in the room tends to rise! Cancer and Scorpio have a great deal in common which will keep their relationship strong.

Cancer and Scorpio enjoy working together toward acquisition and create a comfortable living space: Cancer wants security and Scorpio wants power. Both of these Signs are about domestic goods and resources, including stocks, bonds and inheritances. They are both passionate and deeply emotionally touched by all aspects of life. They complement each other because Cancer and Scorpio are both concerned with the home and both have fierce loyalty to the family group.

Cancer is ruled by the Moon and Scorpio is ruled by Mars and Pluto. This combination is very intense, thanks to Pluto's influence, but it's a good balance of masculine and feminine energy. The two Signs coming together form the basic foundation of human relationships -- The Moon's nurturing love and Mars' passion. The Moon and Mars go well together; The Moon is about growth and rebirth , and Mars is about the passion of romance. Scorpio is smoldering and intense, and Cancer is attracted to this intensity; in turn, Scorpio enjoys the adoration inherent in Moon-ruled Cancer.

Cancer and Scorpio are both Water Signs. Both are very deep Signs and like the ocean, you can never really see the bottom. Scorpio and Cancer emotionally draw further and further into themselves, then suddenly roar back with intimidating force. Cancer and Scorpio are strongly loyal to each other, a product of their mutual desire for emotional security. But while Cancer is fixated on the family and home Scorpio is more focused on the undercurrents of life. Scorpio can show Cancer beyond the literal surface, while Cancer can teach Scorpio not to fear their emotions. Additionally, Scorpio appreciates the Cancerian practicality and Cancer enjoys Scorpio's jealousy -- it proves that Scorpio really loves and cherishes them.

Cancer is a Cardinal Sign and Scorpio is a Fixed Sign. Once they have a common wish, it will be realized due to their efforts. However, if their opinions clash, look out! Cancer will be the first to instigate an argument and Scorpio the last to finish it. It often appears that Cancer will get its own way and be the dominant partner, but that isn't always the actual conclusion. Sometimes Scorpio won't even agree to disagree, although they might pretend to give in. Both partners are not beyond using emotional manipulation to get revenge. It's important for these partners to discuss what is truly important to them so they can reach an equitable compromise. Once Scorpio and Cancer learn to trust one another and believe in each other, they are a pair that can achieve almost anything through sheer determination. The relationship will only fail if the two partners truly cannot overcome their opinionated, stubborn sides.

The best aspect of the Cancer-Scorpio relationship is their powerful teamwork when they agree on their goals. When Cancer realizes that Scorpio is there for the long haul and that the partnership is emotionally productive, this relationship can blossom. Their mutual determination makes theirs a relationship of formidable strength.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 11:12 AM 0 comments

Compatibility

I retrieved the following from a website about horoscope compatibility. I would say that this sums up my relationship with B.

Scorpio + Cancer

Water + Water = Deluge


When people are born under the same element, they generally feel comfortable with and attracted to each other. You and Cancer fall into this category, as both of you are water signs. Astrologically, Cancer is one of your best matches by far.

You are both sensitive, emotional and caring, but Cancer’s way of expressing love is very different from yours. Your love is demanding, and asks a lot more in return than Cancer can give.

Cancer will feel they’re showering you with love and kisses, but somehow it’s never enough. You have to make them feel precious if you want the relationship to work.

Cancer will handle your possessiveness better than most signs, because they are a pretty adaptable member of the zodiac, but you’ll have to learn to curb your desire to dominate sensitive Cancer with your unrealistic demands, both practical and emotional. You do tend to use that power of yours to gain your own ends.

Although Scorpio and Cancer are well suited elementally, there are differences sexually. You are driven by the purely sensual and sexual aspects of a relationship. You need a lot more passion than Cancer. Cancer needs love and bonding before they can express unbridled passion.

Cancer will find you a sort of ‘cause’ they can dedicate themselves to emotionally. Although your strength is off-putting to some signs, Cancer tends to be able to connect directly with your soul. This can unnerve you, but at the same time endear them to you. You’ll have a long and loving relationship with them if you open up your heart.

Cancers born between 4 July and 13 July also have a strong attraction for you — and to you. They will easily satisfy your complex needs. Both of you will be immediately drawn to each other, and your magnetic and sexual compatibility will be evident from the start.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 11:04 AM 0 comments

Feeling Down

Now I am feeling depressed. I have very low energy, very little motivation, very little focus.... I just feel like I don't care. I was planning a bbq tomorrow night at my house. I don't want to do it. I could not find enough energy to clean the bbq or house for it. I am feeling so sad.

I have been very self relfective. I have learned that I always have to be right - this is a very ugly quality. It is not compassionate nor understanding. I am self righteous. I am obnoxious becuase of this. I have lost this amazing man becuase of my temper and my need to be right. I feel sick because of it.

B wrote me an email responding to mine. He agreed to meet with me when he comes to town. I think the only thing holding me together right is the hope that he and I will work this through and stay together. That this whole break-up was just us having a really big ugly fight.

I love him and I am not ready to let him go.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 6:56 AM 0 comments

Hollywood Delusion

I must watch too many hollywood movies. Becuase I want the happy ending. I see in my mind the ending of us meeting when he flies through Vancouver on May 13th. That we will talk, we will share, we will communicate and we will see that we love each other and becuase we love each other we can make this work.

Am I just super naive to think Love is enough to make it work?

I don't just fall in love with men. B was super special to me.

I want our relationship to work. I want us to stay together. I want us to be happy and flourish.

Yet, there is a part of me that has to be prepared that he will not want to meet with me, that he will not want to talk with me. Or, that if he does talk with me, then he will not want to make our relationship work. Or, worse, he will tell me that he no longer loves me.

I sent him an email yesturday. It said:

Hey B

I respect your decision to terminate our relationship. Let's meet when you fly
through Vancouver on the 13th and speak to each other face to face.

I love you too. I also want you and I to be happy.

Best,
U

I only sent it when I felt that I would be able to accept a no response or a no to us meeting.

I should be working.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:36 AM 0 comments

Wanting to get back together

Today I am feeling sad. I was feeling good for a couple of days then I went to Yoga last night and it reminded me of B and I felt sad.

I really feel liked I fucked up the best man who I have ever been with. I feel sick about this. I am in this thought process that I may not meet someone better. That that was my chance and I fucked it.

I am still fluxuating between being upset with how I was being treated in the relationship, as well as, who I ultimately became - which was a nasty, angry person.

Not one person is telling me to give it a second go. This is hard to hear. Becuase just 10 days ago we were perfect for each other and now we are not.

I have the new puppy - now called Link - who is helping me focus on something else. However, I am really bummed out. Just lethargic, not doing my hair, not doing my make-up, not cleaning my house.

I really am not wanting to move on. I really want to give B another go. I just don't think it is worth giving up on someone because they fucked up - this is for him and I. I do believe that we both fucked up in this relationship.

However, for me it is more important that I learn my lessons from this, that I grow, and I that I understand where I am repelling men.

I need to let go of what B needs to learn from this. It does not concern me - he will either choose to learn or not choose.

I think the fuck up for both of us is our communication. We both take on these extreme masculine and femine roles in our communication. We need help. The fact that he used email to end our relationship shows the lack of communication we have.

I still love him and I want us to resolve this issue and stay together.

I don't want to tell anyone how I feel because no one is really supportive of the relationship. This is sad. That should tell me something right there.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:23 AM 0 comments

Yuck with Me

Wah. wah. wah. Oh, I just read my last blog and it is soooooo melodramitic!!

Argh. It actually embarrassing. Can you sense all the neediness and victim in it?!

I am feeling fine today. Really.

I am coming to a clear understanding and I am listening to people and what they are saying. There are a lot of wise people in my life..... hmmmmmm... If only I could be as wise.

Really, with me, the problem is that I am soooo intense. I loved B with all of me.... but it was such a new experience for me that it just got out of control and weird. I asked him for help back in March. I don't understand how to be in love and in a relationship. I really need a lot of guidance and support. I was hoping he could help me.... but it was too much for him.

He does want me to be happy. But, I am this crazy intense person who can be too hard too please. A nightmare girlfriend. No wonder he dumped my sorry ass.

Yuck! Yuck! I don't want to be that person so how do I not be that person? How do I avoid it?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:54 PM 0 comments

More than words

So I am feeling sad and out of sorts. Lost between loving him and not loving him.

I fluctuate between anger, hurt, sorrow and joy.

I sometimes cry so hard I cannot see and other times I am numb.

I am lucky. I have so many friends who have reached out to me and want to be with me and want to show me that I am special and loved. They are making a point to spend time with me.

I want to see Buff face to face again. I think it is important for us to have a conversation. I just really do not understand how he broke up with me in an email.

I loved him so much. I really believed that he and I would last the distance. I am really surprised that he bailed.

But, then I am not. He has shown me that he is selfish. It is time to finally start working on my schedule and focussing on my wants - and he bailed. It shows he cannot give fully of himself to a female partner.

And "partner" is the wrong word to use with him. He does not want a "partner", he wants a woman who has nothing going on in her life and will wait around for him.

Two of his previous girlfriends left because they wanted to pursue other things other than being in Nelson waiting for Buff to return from his work trips. And, one girlfriend cheated on him. He does not know how to be a giving attentive partner all the time.

When I was with him, he definately had 100% of his attention on me. But, it occurs to me that as soon as he was out of sight, he gets so focussed on whatever is in front of him, that he would sort of forget about me. Hence, the reason he would not call when he said he would, or would make other plans thus cancelling our plans. He would just forget about me. This did not mean that he did not love me. I am sure that he loved me, but by just forgetting me, he was not showing me that he loved me.

It is like the song from the 90's:

Saying I love you

Is not the words I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you

Not to say, but if you only knew

How easy it would be to show me how you feel

More than words is all you have to do to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand

All you have to do is close your eyes

And just reach out your hands and touch me

Hold me close don't ever let me go

More than words is all I ever needed you to show

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:43 AM 0 comments

Analysis of our Time - (the Dumping Email)

Time lines flying around the world trying to find time to connect with you on
the internet. This in itself is indicative of how I have developed this
relationship.

Been feeling sick, not sleeping and jet lagged thinking about how we are trying
to get this relationship to work.

The long distance in our relationship is not working for me, nor you.
We love eachother when we are together and the anxiety grows deep between us
when we are appart.

You said something to me a couple of weeks ago that went deep. Mostly because
it was so true. You said I was an old man not wanting to change.

Some of me has taken a long time to develope into a self preservation. The
change is enevatable, its the growth that is associated that is where the
developemnet lays.

I like the work I do. It has taken a life time to carve and it has not been
easy. I am hitting a stride that is a time in my life to make a comfortable
living and securtiy for a future when I can not work any more.

Nelson is my home and the tribe that lives there are my family. Not my blood
family but my choosen family. Which in my life has been the most important for
me. Nelson and my house is where I regain my strength. Deepen my spirit.It has
been and presently is where I grow. I find myself pining to be at my home and
finding tranquility. The developement with you and I in Vancouver gives me so
much angst I find resentment towards you.

I am ending my committment with our relationship with the amount of projected
time we need to make this relationship even come close to making it hobble
along. The amount of time that is needed to have our relationship evelove into
the best it could be, does not work with the different places we live/work and
want to spend our down time. We are in diferent places on the linear time line
of the time we have on this planet

Unity you are a beautiful, energetic intelegent women. Our time and
circumsatnces with where we are in these stages of our lives is not making us
better people. We are finding we are not the people we want to be. Our
personalities are devolving.

I am taking this time in Greenland to disconnect with our relationship as harsh
as it is.

I love you and I want you and I to be a happy people.

Take care. B



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:42 AM 0 comments

Dumped by Email

I just got an email from the man I was totally in love. He broke up with me in the email. I received the email Friday morning. We had not spoken since Tuesday afternoon.

We are doing long distance. We got in an argument on the phone. I actually got in the argument. I was very upset. I said a lot of things. Some were nasty, but most were honest.

I love this man and when I love someone I want to give. I love to give. I have been feeling for awhile that he was not giving as much as I needed. I have been feeling that our entire relationship was on his terms.

He has a demanding work schedule. In the summer and falls he works in the film industry. In the winters he teaches avalanches courses and does heli guiding. When we saw each other was based on his work schedule and then when he could he made time for me.

He was very good making time for me. He did spend a lot of his time off with me. This is true. However, he was vague when communicating with me about when his time off was. I was often left waiting until the last minute to learn if we were going to see each other or not.

Women do not function well if we do not have concrete plans. We, women, like to have something to look forward too. Having plans makes us feel good and confident. When we do not have plans to look forward to we feel unsure and insecure.

He kept telling me that we would do the long distance for the Winter season and we would see what happens. In March I was in Nelson visiting him. I was there for 5 days and it was the first time I had seen him in 6 weeks.

I was in love (and I still do love him - thus making the break-up very confusing and devasting). I suppose I am naive when it comes to love. I believe in the fairytale - that if you love someone then you want to be with them - that you will do what it takes so you can be with that person.

Buff, he does not believe in this. He may love me. However, he always did what he wanted to do - he made all of the decisions. Then if the relationship was to work, I had to accept his decisions. I felt like I was constantly bending towards him to accomodate his needs - mostly based on his work schedule and the regenerating time he needed in Nelson.

I felt that come Spring - when he finally had time off - that he and I could finally spend time together. Take a vacation, he could come to Vancouver, I could go to Nelson, we could talk on the phone every day - that the Spring was an obvious time for us to create a strong foundation for our love.

Well, when I was in Nelson in March not only did he introduce as his "friend" a few times, but he also told people that he was going to be in Nelson for the Spring working on his bathroom. This is how I found out that he had no intention of coming to Vancouver to be with me. He did not open a conversation with me where we both had equal say and shared the decision making - he TOLD me what we would be doing.

I think I was in shock at the time, plus I wanted to be the good girlfriend, I did not want to rock the boat. So I said nothing - I accepted what Buff wanted - I guess becuase I was in love with him and I wanted him to accept me.

So to make a long story just a little shorter. We spoke at the beginning of April. At that time Buff agreed to spend 2 weeks in Nelson, then 2 weeks in Vancouver or with me. I requested of him that he start being a strong presence in my life or he could not be in life. It was too hard for me to continue to have this invisible boyfriend. I want someone who wants to be in my life and who wants to do things for me to show me that they love me. Buff agreed.

We had the first dinner with my parents. He even told my parents at dinner that he was going to spend 2 weeks in Nelson and then 2 weeks in Vancouver. When he told my parents, it made it official for me.

So the argument that we had on Tuesday was me getting mad at him for breaking his word to me.

I called him Tuesday morning. In that conversation he told me that he was leaving for Greenland the next day. So once again he TOLD me what was happening and I had to accept in order to be in a relationship.

My anger about this situation is not about him going to Greenland. It is about how he communicates it to me. He just tells me. He does not attempt at all to make me feel involved in the decision making process. Now, understand that by going to Greenland, he has cancelled his plans with me. So, he does not call me up with a better plan for the two of us. He does not say to me, "hey, how about we go to London on the 13th for a week. " I would say, "Hey, wow, sure that sounds like fun!" Then he would say, "Oh, by the way I am going to Greenland tomorrow for 2.5 weeks." I would be open to his travel to Greenland becuase he would be giving something really amazing to look forward too - a trip to London and time alone with him.

So, I was mad on Tuesday. And, yes, I do admit that I behaved inappropriately. I wanted to be loving and accepting of his plans, but it hurt me so deep that he so easily cancels his time with me. That he so easily dismisses me. And that he does not understand why I am so hurt.

I felt on Tuesday that he did not love me. I felt that I could not trust him - that he says he is going to see me or he says he is going to call me - but then he does not. I am left hanging. There are a few times where I have rearranged my work schedule - making time off to see him and then he cancels. I said to him on Tuesday that his word means nothing to me becuase he has lost his integrity with me.

I said some really bad things. All I wanted him to do was hold me, kiss me and tell me that he loves me. But, we are 9 hours away from each other. There is no touching, no kissing, no feeling. We only have the phone and computers to communicate. But, when you say you are going to call and then you don't - that is equal to breaking a date in a long distance relationship. He did this several times, or he would call several hours after he stated he would call.

So we got off the phone. I called him Tuesday night on his land line and cell phone. I really wanted to talk to him in the evening when I was not at work. He did not call. I was hurt.

I called him Wednesday before his flight left. He did not answer. Instead I got an email from him breaking up with me on Friday morning.

I am so devasted. I am stuck between knowing that if he is so cowardly that he has to break up with me in an email then he really is not the strong person who makes himself out to be. However, I do love him, and a part of me feels that this whole thing is a big fat miscommunication and we just need to talk with each other face to face in a calm manner to sort this through.

Essentially I feel hurt. Really hurt and I am in disbelief.

As a friend said last night, if he is going to bolt after an argument then he is not worth being in a relationship.

Another friend emailed me this:

"He broke up with an email?? After 9 months???

I don't even know what to say, except I'm really sorry you're in pain. And to focus on getting clear about what really matters to you. To me, breaking up with someone after that long in an email after ignoring prepeated phone messages is a sign (a really big sign) that perhaps he didn't have the stuff you were looking for. There's a lot more to being a man than navigating avalanche country."

I am going to go get a dog now.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:00 AM 0 comments

Attention is Attention

Wow, it has been months!! What a fall and winter it has been.

I opened a store... and it is really fantastic!! It is gorgeous and great and just really super special.

I also fell in love.

What a shocker. Who would have thought. And, he is in love with me. What a bigger shocker.

The last several months have been amazing and challenging. I feel so blessed to know this man. He is a dream. Everything I wanted in a man he is - except he is a little shorter than I would have pictured my dream man to be. Oh well.

We are doing long distance and today is the first time we have seen each in other 19 days. This amount of time apart was a real challenge. He was on a boat out of communication range. He got in a bad avalanche and was very shaken up this experience.

There was not much I could do being in Vancouver and not really hearing from him. So I read a few books on relationships. It was very good for me to do some deep research like this. I also pulled some info off the internet on doing a LDR - short for 'Long Distance Relationship'. So I learned that I can not be needy or winey or demanding or emotional. So, I can state what I want, if nothing changes then the best avenue is to just ignore him.

And, it works. Wow. It would be so simple - if only I had not been wailing the three nights before he returned to Van. But, I guess I got all the crying out of my system and I have cursed tons under my breath during the past couple of weeks and I did go a little nut bar. According to the books these are all normal reactions in regards to how little we talked, we had no plans to look forward to and he was doing whatever he wanted in regards to time and I had to bend.

I was so happy to see him - even though I had been so angry. But, I played hard. After this fabulous lunch/early dinner at Card's I laid down my declaration of what I want - that was that. Strangely he seemed to go for it.

My advice for women. If he is being a dick then just ignore him. Negative attention is the same as positive attention for men - attention is attention. So give them no attention and they humbling become your servent.

Hmph!


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 11:44 AM 0 comments

New Territory - the fifth date

Here I am in new territory. I have successfully made it pass the fourth date with the latest man in my life.

I should be thrilled, celebrating, planning a wedding.... but instead I am scared shitless. I have no idea what to do, how to behave, what to say.... I am at a total lost.

I realized the other night that I have mastered dating. I am so comfortable in a date situation. The first and second date is my stomping ground. Get me to the fifth date... well, I have not been here in 2 years. And, this is only my fourth time in the past 3.5 years.

This guy I am dating, well, he has mastered relationships. He has had two 7 year relationships and one four year. He has lived with three woman.

He seems more comfortable than me with this status of being past the fourth date.

I have been calling for coaching about twice a week.

I am so nervous.. He is coming over now. This will be about our 8th time hanging out in three weeks..... Yikes.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:12 PM 0 comments

New

For a couple of years I have been desiring a relationship. I have been wanting this and focussing on this to different degrees at different times.

Here I am, I have been single for 7 years. Yes, 7 years! I am a virgin at relationships. I have no idea, not a fucking clue, what a relationship is. Everything I think a relationship is I have made up.

Remember when you were a virgin? I do. I remember feeling like I was missing something in life... something that everyone else knew about except me. It was a big deal. I wanted to lose my virginity so that I would no longer be left out. That I would be a part of knowing.... knowing what the big deal was all about.

I lost my virginity when I was 16. Seemed like a good age. I think when I was nearing my 17th Birthday I started getting somewhat desperate to meet someone to fuck. Because being a 17 year old virgin was bad, very bad. 17 was too old to be a virigin.

I was with a really nice guy. We had some really fantastic make-out sessions. Then on Thanks Giving night, a couple of weeks before my 17th Birthday, we had sex. It was not bad. It was fun and enjoyable. But, I definately walked away with the feeling of - that was weird, this is sex? This is what all the fuss is about?!

Of course, it was not until I older, gained more experience that sex became great and it finally became that big fuss.

Now, here I am nearing 30. I am weeks away. I am having the absolutely the best sex I have ever had in my entire life. Wow! Truly Wow! I am intimate with this absolutely amazing man. Truly Amazing! Sex is no longer this mystery, but relationships are.

I am beginning to realize the relationships I have been fiddling with these past 7 years all share in common that they were either short or extremely short. But, they also share in common an uncomfortableness. It was two people who were interested in each other, but there was something missing. A knowing, a comfort, a sharing, a humanism, deep intimacy of body, soul and emotions.

I am now seeing this man and it takes on this strange new experience for me. With him, I suddenly realise that I know nothing. That I am totally clueless. And, I realized that I am very scared.

I cover my fear with anxiety, anger and isolation. But, he has this way of drawing me closer. Of protecting me, of giving me a safe place, of making me feel secure.

He is different. He sees my insecurities, my fears, my anger, my weakness and he still is attracted to me. He does not always want to have sex with me. He will stroke me and hold me for an entire evening. When a few days before we shared unbelievable sex.... truly the BEST.

This is quite possibly a new path for me. And, I feel so uncomfortable with this newness, yet, I have never felt so comfortable.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 3:00 PM 0 comments

Forever 21

I went on a date last night with a 21 year old. He asked me out and he has been asking me since he met on July 1st. We met at a Canada Day breakfast at a Golf Club. His friends and him swarmed me at the coffee and he took a step out from the rest to ask who I was.

Since then he has called me parents to get my telephone number and introduced himself to my father on the golf course. He is said to be one of the best golfers at the club. He is currently studying at a University in Atlanta on a golf scholarship.

He invited me to watch the fireworks in a house on Beach Avenue. There was an open bar and appies and a lot of golfers firing it up.

Then we went dancing at the Caprice. Actually I danced he drank a lot more.

It was a fun date.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 1:09 AM 1 comments

Pool Party

posted by Serial Dater @ 6:19 AM 2 comments

A Trail of Men

I was working this past weekend at the Folk Fest. I had a renegade booth outside the festival on the beach. There was a steady stream of people coming by all weekend - including men. There were ex's, new men, and current men. I find it intriguing how there are so many coming by but they never seem to be there at the same time.

The ex's that came by were the Professional Snowboarder on Saturday night. It was such a pleasure to see him. We were good friends in high schools. The Naked Beer Vendor came by Saturday afternoon - he is my only ex who I get an icky feeling from. I am never excited to see him. My ex-Boy Lover came by Friday night with a group of friends and hung out. Fransisco the guy who made the halibut but had no wine made a few appearances including Monday morning - on the verge of being very creepy.

Current interests include the amateur Golfer - he came by Saturday brunch time. The Token Mexican came by on Sunday. Kaare was there every night at closing - he gave me an anklet.

Plus there was total abundance in new men.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 12:15 AM 1 comments

Opposite Impact

I was just stoned before. I am back to feeling insecure. I returned his call.... perhaps, a little too eagerly. And, now I am waiting again.

I only analyze the whole calling thing when I like them. I lose all ability to be natural. I am planning and staking out every move. And watching the opponent to guess what they are thinking and what their next move will be.... Like a game of chess.

And, why am I playing this game?

Johnny told my roomate that he was seeing someone and not interested in me.

I think this while ManWoman Weekend was healthy and great to an extent. But, a result I am producing is attracting men I am not interested in and repelling men that I like. This is not quite the impact I was wanting to make.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 4:34 PM 1 comments

Feeling what I want

I am feeling like I am on edge. Like I am standing at the top of an abyss. I am so close to going over that edge. No matter what I am going over. This is my point in life where the ride is about to get really wild and crazy.

Who am I going to be going over the edge?

I spent the last several years climbing to this place. I made a collage of myself when I was 21. It is me standing on a mountain top with a bird of prey on my shoulder. This is my power picture. It is showing me where I am going. Now, it is happening. And, I am scared.

My business is about to totally change. It is about to get big. Really big. My love life is about to explode or implode. And, this could be the moment which I have been resisting from.

Maybe, Yoga Man is the guy for me. Maybe, he is not. Maybe, what works is to love him no matter what he does - calling or not calling. Maybe, this is what I am suppose to do in all areas of my life - love no matter what.

I am guilty of withdrawing my love when I am mad. I hold back. It is as if I am looking for a reason to make someone wrong, becuase once they are wrong then I don't have to love them. Then I can be safe and unharmed. I will not experience hurt from another person because I will not be placed in a position where they could hurt me. I can not be vulnerable.

This can be my life. Making others wrong so I don't have to be vulnerable.

OR, I can be vulnerable, and risk the possibility that I may feel bad if... something happens.

What happens?

Is it possible that I love Jesse?

I have been poking around. Poking you. Poking him. Poking her. Poking everything. Tasting it, sampling it, digging at it. It has been a high energy time. Tons of new people. All the time, every day. It is exciting and it is full-on.

Now.... I want a new experience.

I want to feel something deeper and closer to me. I want to feel an understanding. An understood. A knowing.

I want to burst with love and enthusiasm. I want to shine.

I want to drop into a total abyss of love, healing and peace.

I want to be the reason that in life people believe that anything is possible.

I want to be a leader of this power.

I want to be total love. I want to get of my world and get into everybody elses.

I want to be power. I want to share. I want to be in love. I want to allow myself to be vulnerable to experience love. I want it.




live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 1:32 PM 1 comments

Scary

Stoned. Finally.... I need to be grounded. I need to stop flying for a moment. I need to breathe. I need to stretch. I feel like I am moving so quickly and I am in this tornado blazing through life. I moving too quickly to make distinctions

"It's Jesse calling. um, ya. It has been a few days since I've saw you. And, and you haven't called me. Don't you think it would be nice to call someone after you kissed them. Just to make them feel like they weren't just... being used as a play thing.... I'm only joking. Anyway, Give me a call. You're probably really busy. But, ah, when you get a chance, maybe, later tonight, I'm teaching this evening. Give me call, and we can make plans. Get together. Hope everything is going well and I 'll talk to you soon."

I recieved this message today at around 3:30. I was so busy being mad with him for not calling sooner, that I did not hear the message he sent me. I was stuck in my head. I was making him wrong and a typical man. His actions were not good enough. It had occurred to me that he was making fun of me for feeling crazy about him not calling. Of course, he does not know how I am feeling becuase we have not spoken since Sunday.

It was not until this moment when I played his message over and over again in order to type it out that I actually understood how beautiful this message is. For one thing he called. I really am excited that he called. It feels really good. He also said something really cute and touching in the message. He spoke about how it is important to call someone after kissing.

Now, I am back in reactionary. I called him back today - probably too soon, as I had a message with an iron fist. I smiled while I said it, but I was not being truly excited or happy on the phone. This is why he leaves because nothing he does is good enough. All he did was have a really good time with me and call me afterwards. Then I make him wrong..... only becuase I am feeling insecure, nervous and threatened by the possibility of falling in love.

I have been picking him apart for a couple of days. I have not spoken to him in a few. But, maybe men really do have intuition and maybe they really can tell when they are entering a battle zone - and only after the first date.



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 1:13 PM 0 comments

Door Open for the French

The door is open for my gorgeous French man to visit me in August. He calls me darling, beautiful and when he talks it is like he is purring.

We met in Varkala in India in 2005. He is a spectacular example of genetically blessed. He exudes sexiness and he has this calm and peaceful energy which attracts people.

He really liked me and I barely noticed. We spent some time on a beach called Om Beach in these little rooms where we slept on the floor. We shared our little bangalows with a group of Russians. We smoked ganga all day and all night.

One evening my French Man made a fire. He went into the woods and collected wood for the fire. He made a gorgeous fire. When he came to get me I was sitting on the floor in my room with the Swiss-German guy - cuddling!! I did not realize that the French Man liked me so much. He had been telling everyone that he was in love with me. And there he finds me cuddling with his friend.

Nothing ever happened between the Swiss-German and myself. I did like him. But, a very typical thing for me to do. To be attracted to a guy who is more like a boy than a man; to be attracted to a man who does not want a relationship. It played out to be nothing more than a little drama. It was all very minimal. But, there is a part of me that is sorry that nothing happened between the French Man and myself.

I really want him to visit and I want to put all of my attention on him when he does come visit. He is a man. He likes me. Why do I resist it so much?



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:42 AM 0 comments

Fuck Approval of Men.

Okay, so it is true I was breathing a huge sigh of relief yesturday when Yoga Man did not call. But, now it is today and evening time, and still no word. It is the end of the 3rd day. I was out celebrating a friend's 30th Birthday - and it is a consensus to give him the boot. He has officially been deleted from my phone. This will thwart all temptation on my part of calling him.

So why has he not called? He asked me out for a party on the 22nd of July, but he has not called to check in and let me know that he likes me and he is thinking of me.

According to "He's Just Not that Into You" and my girlfriends, he has not called becuase he is just not thinking of me and he is just not that into me.

According to "ManWoman Weekend", I am suppose to savour the waiting of him not calling and when he finally does call I am suppose to be happy and give him approval for calling.

According to "Mars and Venus", he has not called becuase he is a man and from Mars. Therefore, he does not call when he likes me and he does not call when he does not like me. He just does not call.

According to me... well, there is the part of me that is still making the excuses - "he has been really busy, I have been too busy too call men I like. He likes me, he really does, he even said he liked me. He just got too busy to call. He'll call when he is less busy. It was really special when we were kissing. I totally felt it - he likes me."

There is the I-got-had-again, "Fuck, this time, the third time, I believed him when he said he liked me and when he was kissing me. But, once again he obviously does not like if he has not called. I am going to give him hell when he calls and tell him what a fucking fuck-up he is."

There is also the he is not the one, "Fuck being happy and approving when he calls. I want to be with a man who calls me becuase he can's stop thinking of me. That he is so enthralled with me, that he wants to ask me out again before another man has time to ask me out. That he wants to gobble me up and shower attention on me. That he wants to be with me, that he enjoys being with me so much, that he will call me every day to let me know that he is there and not to fill his space with another man."

Yoga Man has failed. Waiting 3 days to call does not work. It is automatic failure. I feel a little sad about this. I really believed for like 32 hours that this could be something. I believed it so much that I hardly flinched when I got stood by Johnny for my Monday night date. So I texted my fall back man - Older Man - after dinner.

"I just had dinner, am wanting desert."

No answer.

I am going to sleep now. I will dream happy thoughts. I am feeling like I am back in my place of men are assholes and slimes. I will need a good sleep and some heavy flirting and a date and a make-out session and him calling me back the next day to get over this.

Fuck approving of men. I will give them approval when they fucking deserve it.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 2:30 PM 1 comments

Analyzing

I am waiting for Yoga Guy to call. I am working out of my office and I am alone so I have time to be anxious. Don't men understand that women need reassurance. Just a quick phone call. Just a little hello. Just a I was thinking of you. Even texting would work or an email.

The Mexican has called and texted me in the last 18 hours. Why not the man whom I made out with for hours on Sunday. Hey, that was a privilaged experience.

I took a little nap at the office today. I had a small nightmare. First, it was like I was stuck in this dream - I did not know I was dreaming - and I was doing very ordinary work things like working with Adobe Photoshop. I was talking with a couple of friends about upcoming courses and parties. A friend of mine whom I have been wanting to take a course and always resists had committed to going after talking with my roomate. My roomate has the ability to charm the pants off of anyone. I got mad and snapped, and said something like, "You never wanted to go when I invited you." Wow, such anger in my dream and what a victim I was being. Then we were planning on going to a party across on the bridge on the Northshore and I was to be the driver. I didn't want to drive, I wanted to drink.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.

I am doing that checking my phone to make sure the ringer is on. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

Nope. Nada.

According to Mars & Venus.

" A man instinctively doesn't reveal his excitement, assuming that if he appears needy it will weaken his position."

There is truth in this. When I was falling asleep I was thinking about my habits with men. As soon as a guy likes me, I start analyzing him. I am looking at all of these things about him. Is he good looking, sexy, a provider, a doer, funny, well liked, respected, how does it occur to me that my friends and family will view him, what is his long term potential, does he want to have kids, what kind of father will he be, how big is his peanus, does he have back hair, is he losing the hair on his head, what sports does he watch, how does he hold his fork, does he cook, does he eat meat, is he a vegan, does he enjoy watching horror movies, what does it mean about him if he enjoys watching horror movies, does he bite his nails, does he get manicures, does he sing, does he put the toilet lid down after using it, do I enjoy kissing him, does he have tattoos, does he have great tattoos, does he have lots of friends that are girls, am I going to get jealous over his friends that are girls, does he have skinny legs, is he good with a hammer, can he jump start my van, does he drive a nice a car, does he own a car, can he choose a good wine, does he like to travel, how many languages does he speak, can he touch his toes, can I read his handwriting, and the list of questions goes on and on.

As soon as I like a guy all of these questions start going through my head and suddenly there are fifty reasons why he is not the one.

I am totally panicked about meeting someone and settling down. Sure I whine about being single but this is really covering up the fact that I am scared shitless of falling in love, of only kissing one man for the rest of my life, of not being with the man that is perfect for me.

So yes I am anxiously waiting for Yoga Man to call but I am breathing a huge sigh of relief that he has not called becuase this gives me more time to plot and plan meeting the real Mr. Right.



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 5:58 AM 1 comments

Hmmmmmm. Blissed Out.

Ahhhhh. I got stood up this evening - I think - by the Johnny - the really solid, cute guy I like. I do like him - not like the other men where I am just jumping and having fun. And, maybe it is not all fair to say I got stood up. He did ask me to do something for tonight late Thursday night. At the time he had asked me I was hosting a BBQ party for my roomate and I had definately consummed some serious amounts of white wine. It is really a surprise that I even remember he asked me. But, I like him.

This was one of the recent dates I have booked that I would love to have seen come to fruition. But, there were no tears shed as I am still all blissed out from my date with the Yoga Man which was last night.

HHmmmmmmm......... WOW. Really, this Yoga Man is everything I want in a lover. He is my perfect ideal of a man in bed. We spent hours last night just kissing and feeling each other.

I laid some rules down with what was permitted to be done. The last time we got together we had the most amazing, passionate sex ever and I fell for him. Then I totally freaked out and got really weird. I was no longer being happy or fun.... I was being paranoid and cold. So our relationship ended.

Last night we played and talked for hours. He obeyed the rules. I was so smitten that I invited him to stay and was ready to beg. But, he excused himself at 1:30am as he knew that if he stayed we would most likely have sex. And he made the most amazing and gracious move by leaving. I woke with a start this morning and so much gratitude that he left. I am not ready to have sex with him.

I really do love being intimate with him. But, there is my logic brain which gets in the way. It is saying to me that a man who is a Yoga Teacher and the lead singer of a rock band is not long term material. This is my battle with him.

He is an amazing lover, but despite his 32 years he is still a boy in many regards. I want a man.

So, that is what Johnny represents to me - a man. He owns a house - which is yellow just like mine. He has a business - he builds things; he owns a truck and two motorbikes; and he has a garden with corn and other vegetables. He even said to me that he is a simple man that wants to have a family that he can provide for. Of course, I melted when he said this - and it was really funny because it was after the whole David Lee Roth conversation.

A part of me wants to call Johnny to see what happened - did we have a date? The other part of me is strongly advising that this is a bad move - don't call, don't call, don't call and whatever you do, don't call. I need to savour the waiting.

If we are meant to be together then it will happen. We live in the same neighbourhood, we know the same people. He has my number. If he really wanted to call me then he would.

The Older Man is back in town again after boating. He always seems to pop up. He is getting ingrained in my life.

The Token Mexican in my life is calling and we are talking a lot. I love practicing my Spanish and being with the Latino culture.

I got asked out by an amateaur golfer. He is playing in a tournament right now. He was going to call me to tell me his tee time so I could go watch. But, I have not heard from him. He is my dad's favourite. My dad gets really excited and calls to make sure I am returning the golfer's phone calls.

But, right now, when I drift to sleep it is Yoga Man whom I will be thinking of.



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 1:48 PM 0 comments

Hed Candy

I went to Hed Candy tonight - it was my reward for painting my garage today. The Doctor was there, as well as, his girlfriend - who is a beautiful 24 year old Asian woman. She works in the hospital and she imports diamonds from NY. He is Asian too, so it is a better match than him and I - as I am quite a bit taller than him.

I went with two girlfriends. We each took turns buying rounds of drinks. I did a wonderful job at manifesting my rounds being bought by others. My first round was bought by Patrick - a black man from Texas. He was very nice and a very good dancer. He does like Computer Programming.

My second round was bought from this man who likes my smile. I was waiting for the bartender and he asked me what I wanted. I told him a Vodka-Seven.... and a Vodka-Cranberry. Then I added a water. When all the drinks had come, I added another water. He paid the money for all of the drinks. During the waiting of the drinks he asked me for my number and I wrote it down for him. He told me it cost him $40 to get my number. Then he asked if it was worth it. I told him it depended what he did with it.

The Yoga Teacher is back. I was meeting a friend for a BBQ and she did no follow up and left me hanging with no address. I was getting mad and I called Yoga Man. He talked to me for 45 minutes on the phone while I walked downtown to Hed Candy. We had a great talk. He is coming over tomorrow night with a movie and we are going to chill together. Fun to be hanging with him again.

I did meet someone who I like. His name is Johnny. We originally met in April when he helped me move. Then I saw him again for my Cinco de Mayo party. He was all shaggy after hiking for a couple of weeks. Then I saw him again last Saturday at the Canada Party at Spanish Banks. I did not recognize him because he cut all of his hair off and shaved his beard. He is hot.

I always liked him. He is a solid guy. He came to the BBQ we had on Thursday for my roomates 30th Birthday. He actual\ly took her for a ride on his motor bike so I could set up decorations. He provided speakers and BBQ. I like him.

At the party he spoke about David Lee Roth - I don't remember what he said but I thought he was really cute saying it.

He asked me out at the end of the BBq for Monday evening. I did see him yesturday to deliver BBQ back to him but he did not bring up Monday so I am not sure if it is a go or not. I do like him......... I really do. But I have the sense that he may be too solid for him. I feel sort of flakey around him even though I am not flakey at all.

Hmmmmm.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 7:37 PM 2 comments

Two Dates One Night

I met the lawyer Saturday at this great outdoor beach party in Spanish Banks with a hip hop dj. I was meeting my Grind Buddy there. I picked up their beer - they saved me a parking space. 45 minutes after I arrived and just after smoking some weed I got a call from the guys telling me that I was about to get towed.

I ran back to the van and they had saved me from a ticket and being towed under the promise to move the vehicle. I happily obliged. I invited the lawyer to join me. He did.

We drove up the hill and found another parking spot. We heard music walking back and we dropped in to check out this other party. It was great house music. The party was in a tighter space and it was great. We danced for a little bit and then headed back to our party.

So anyways I called the Laywer this morning because I wanted to him to read over the commercial lease I am about to sign. We made plans to meet at Card's downtown in the harbour. We had beer, shared a bottle of Burrowing Owl Pinot Noir and we shared a couple of appies. We were on the patio on a gorgeous evening surrounded by boats. This is the same restaurant that the restaurant guy owns.

I had a great time with the Lawyer - his birthday is May 2nd and he is 42. And totally fabulous looking for 42. I kissed him on the neck good night.

He told me to call him. I told him it was his job to pursue and my job to graciously recieve.

I got picked up from Card's by Jon my younger ex. I was affectionately called a cheeta when I dated him. We went for a fabulous ride around the park on his motor bike. I love riding on the back of motor bikes.

We went to the Bay side of downtown and to the Boathouse. We also had appies and drinks. Jon gave me design advice. It was a beautiful patio. We had so much fun. He also picked up the bill.

Wow. It was all so great. I had a really great time with both of them. The lawyer gets me smiling because he is so bashful and nice. Jon always has me laughing.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 4:43 PM 1 comments

Small Taste

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Serial Dater @ 3:25 AM 1 comments