Foolish Woman
I have made a commitment to my coach to do some journaling this week. I can't remember what about.....
Oh, yes, I have decided to relax more and go with the flow. To just pretend I am still on vacation and not to fight or resist what is happening.
How is that going for me. Ok.
Yesturday, one of my jewellery designers, whom I have decided not to carry anymore, had many, many, many words to say to me. She was not interested in hearing what I had to say. I just decided to let her talk, listen and then not to defend myself - to not try and be right.
This is probably my biggest issue. This need to be right all the time. I guess I have a sense of righteousness. B called me controlling and arrogant - in his most loving tone back when we were happy.
I am still blown off course, on how a relationship can go from being so fantastic to so horrible so quickly.
I am having intense feelings of insecurities. I think I have developed a social anxiety. I have tiny little freak outs when going to parties. I am feeling like a failure and I am feeling extremely embarrassed by it.
I am feeling like a failure over being single at 31. I view this as atrocious. And I think one of the things I am mad at myself about is not keeping my mouth shut. I do believe right now, that it would have been better if I had sucked it up and demanded less. I should have been more satisfied and not put so much emphasis on what makes me happy in a relationship and try to understand more about what makes B happy. And perhaps, that is what really matters - what makes the man happy. I somehow feel that what I needed to be happy in the relationship had some irrelevance to B. I thought it was so important, but it is one of the things that blew us apart from each other.
It made B happy to not have to talk to me every day. It made B happy to live in a different city than me. It made B to have a flirtatious relationship with another woman outside of our relationship. It made B happy to ignore me when he was mad with me. It made B happy to not want to have kids with me or marry me.
I was a foolish woman to put the demands on him to call me and not to cheat on me. Just silly really.
I am feeling totally lost in this world of men and women. Do men really want to get married? I am under the impression that men do not want children - that they are not biologically designed to desire children. Nor, are they biologically designed to sleep with only one woman or to get married.
Why do I bother. I should just accept that I am less person and therefore, I should put up with all of this shit thrown towards me without fighting it or resisting it.
I want to not feel anymore. To not feel my anger or my sadness or my anxiety. I am willing to give up my highs for this. I just want to feel even and steady and balanced. No more emotions - good or bad.
Don't they have drugs for this? I need some of those.
Am I depressed. It is possible. I feel like a worthless person.
B's father raped his daughters and beat his kids - even causing a permanent mental disability to one daughter. B does not talk to his father. So when B did not talk to me - I relate this that he views me as a person equal to his father in character.
I think this is why I am feeling so much anxiety - that people know I am a dysfunctional personal - that it is only me that does not know. I feel like a horrible, horrible person. I am scared to talk to people or to get close because they will discover that I am terrible and crazy.
I know that I am not suppose to place so much of my self esteem and self thought on what one other person thinks of me. But, this one other person, really was the person that I loved the most. And, he totally just threw me away because I got upset one day.
I want to be swallowed up and to disappear.
I am drinking a drink every day. I almost need the liqour to feel better about myself. This is a new thing for me. I did not drink really at all in my twenties. I was confident and happy.
I want to run away from myself. To hide. To disappear. To leave everything.
I am wrecked. I am really sad. I am really scared.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I am lovable.
Everyone is telling me that I need to appreciate more where I am at in life..... It is such a strong message that I am not hearing. How do I appreciate where I am at?
It is true that I constantly have a feeling of not being successfully. That I am not making enough money, that I am not pretty enough, that I am not thin enough, that my breasts are not big enough, that my legs are not muscular enough, that I am not stylish enough.... that essentially I am not enough.
Ian (my intuitive healer) nailed it this week. He told me that I have this feeling of being unlovable. It is true. It is this feeling that just rips me apart. That I am not lovable.
It has absolutely broken my heart to break up with B. I guess that I needed this in order to clarify what I want in my life in a relationship. I was putting too much pressure on him to be the everything for me. Then when he could not do it, I was disappointed and I cracked.
I love him. Yes, I made many faults in our relationship. But, I need a man who is going to still love and accept me regardless of the errors I make. I want to feel accepted and loved.
B left me with this feeling of I did not do enough for him. That I should have done more for him - for us. That I am unlovable because I am too difficult, too demanding, too selfish, too inexperienced, too immature, too strong, too much crying. Too much of all this stuff that he did not want.
Am I ready to find someone else? I am doing plenty of fish and Lava Life. Lots of interesting men. It actually seems difficult to find someone becuase there are so many. But, I do not feel ready to date. I am not sure what to do. I am not sure that I am ready to open my heart to someone again. I feel hardened.
But, it seems like this is the way life goes. That it is almost a requirement to have your heart broken in order to be ready for a relationship. That is the way. That you have to suffer through all of this heart ache in order to be clear about what you want and order to clear about what you can give and what your boundaries are.
So here I am - now 31. And single again. Was my time with B a growing experience which is going to make me ready for the man whom I am going to spend my life with.
What I have learned?
Respect. Patience. Giving. Receiving. Love.
What is important for me?
Adventure. Drive. Success. Happiness. Communication. Commitment. Security. Stability. Compromise. Acceptance. Support.
I do feel ready for a relationship. I do feel that I will take things more slowly. That I will not just give everything I have immediately. I was a romantic. I truly believed that I would meet someone, fall crazy in love and have an amazing romantic relationship with tons of love.
Yet, it did not work at all like that.
I fell in love. And he could not give me what I wanted. B wanted to take things slow. I did not want. And he was able to give me as much as he could. But, I am (was) an intense indivual. So I now just feel stupid - like a dumb little girl - who just believed a stupid little fantasy about falling in love.
Maybe, I have anger management problems. I have difficulty controlling my anger. I wish I was more Zen. I think this is why B could not be with me... or this is what he led me to believe the problem was.
But, there were so many challenges in our relationship. First of all we both worked really hard. When we did spend time together - we were tired. We went into a Heros Watching Marathon in the fall instead of talking with each other. Ya, okay perhaps that is sad and disconnecting.
Plus, we were in a long distance relationship. Which has its challenges. A lot. I have so much to say about this. I do know that I am no longer attracted to men who have the exotic feeling of being from somewhere else. I need a guy who lives here.
Plus, we had an 18 year age difference. We are at different places in our lives. He is preparing for retirement and I am heading into my hardworking years. No, let be more clear, he is preparing for retirement and he works like a dog.
I am 5'10 and he is 5'5. After having a rebound with a guy about 6'3, I did realize that I like tall men. B was strong and so hot and so sexy, but I felt so small and sexy with the taller guy.
Plus, I really believe that B needs to communicate more. Yes, I do have communication issues. But, I want to learn to be a better communicator.
I want a man who can support me financially. Okay, I know that is the worse thing to say in this day and age. But, I do. I am being totally honest. I do not want to be the breadwinner and I do not want to be in a house where need a double income for survival. Where, if we were to have kids then I would have to work full time and raise kids. Ouch. Sounds too hard. I am really not sure that I could do that.
I have a new office and I am just hiding out in it right now. There is no one here and it feels so good. I am so tired of being around people all of the time. I need some alone time.
I think I may be crazy sometimes.
I feel that some good anti-depresants may help me a bit. I wish I was more even - less emotional. I am the one who is taking myself away from groups of people.
I am unlovable.!
Yikes, here it is.
My feelings of being unlovable.
So I isolate myself from people becuase I am scared of people discovering my BIG secret of being unlovable. It is this fear which stops me from achieving what I want in my life.
So what I will do is hide out in this office. I need to manifest money.
I am a great manifestor. This is very true about me.
So I am going to manifest money. So I am going to manifest more customers. I am going to manifest higher sales and transactions. I am manifesting happy people around me.
I do think that my sales are directly linked to my feelings. So if I am feeling down, then my sales are down. This week I have been feeling down - about B. Blah.
And sales were really low this week. I need to feel higher and to feel totally fall of love.
How about getting a tattoo on my wrist which says Lovable. Or just love.
You are lovable.
Something silly to just remind myself of what I am.
Ian told me to take my mind off of all of these small things... these small things which hold me back from manifesting love and money.
Yes, I want love and money.
Tila Tequila is great at communicating. I really wish I could communicate more like her. Instead I am just this angry bitch who does not listen.
How can I manifest money and love if I am just not communicating and not clear.
So I want to listen more. I want to give off of the impression that I am happier. I want to be more positively expressed.
Aysen's cheque bounced this week. Yikes. I had to transfer the money today - $300 - from my house's mortgage account to the business account to insure there would be enough money for her cheque.
I have not gotten paid yet. I manifest money for my trip and to pay all of my bills.
I want to be more like Tila Tequila. Wow, did I really just type that. Well, she is cute and bright and successful and positive and clear with her communication.
I respect this about her.
I want to be a cute little positive success who is great at communicating.
Success and money and love.
Is it too much to want it all?
I have learned a lot from B. I am closer to having what I want. It may take a little bit more of time. But, I can have an amazing man. I really can.
I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Mushroom Risotto
What I think I want to write to B but I probably should not.
Buff,
I think you are an amazing person and I am grateful for the time we have spent together. I was extremely happy spending time with you. I understand that we are at different places in our lives. I honestly believed that we would still work regardless of the obstacles - this is the romantic in me and this is the me who believes love is what matters most.
I am sorry that I ordered the mushroom risotto - I did not do it to be rude or to make you upset or hurt you in any way. I am sorry that you felt these things. I was cold from walking around all day in the snow and I wanted a warm and nurturing dish - I believed that the mushroom risotto would help me. I understand now that you were feeling negative things from my action of ordering the risotto.
(Oh my god, as if I am just writing this whole nice apology email about ordering a mushroom risotto?!?!)
I need to start dating. I need to get my mind off of B. Yikes.
I am seeing a psychic tomorrow - maybe this will help me a bit.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I just met with Ian - my intuitive coach - he says I am done purging and now it is time to create. But first, I must clarify what I want.
What am I wanting in a man? B is an amazing person - no question. It was really easy and fun for me to want to be with him, to visualize us together. He is a great guy with a great lifestyle and he knows what he wants in life. I admire this solidity in making your dreams come true. Unfortunately, I was not a part of his plans. He is a 49 year old bachelor who wants the girlfriend but not the commitment. It hurt like hell to realize this.
So here I am starting fresh.
What do I want?
I want to have a place in Vancouver and a place in a ski town. I want land next to water. A wooded piece of land which I build my house on. A place that you can only reach by boat, plane or helicopter ( B had this and I miss this part of him so much).
Ah, it is like I just get stuck. I love B and it is challenging for me to walk away. But, it really is done. If he wanted to be with him he could have made an effort.... but, he just goes and does his stuff. I am turning into a bitter and nagging girl and I hate it. I do not feel like a woman with him. It is like I am a little girl with little girl emotions which she cannot control.
Then I have to ask myself, is the enjoyment of enjoying his land worth all the days he does not call me, all the weeks we do not see each, the wall he has when upset, the lack of communication, the sensual text messages from Natasha.
Did I over react? This is a question I ask myself all the time. Am I too sensitive? Too demanding? Too immature? Too accusing?
I do miss him. I do love him.
But, then the other side of the coin is that our relationship has become unhealthy. Making us both unhappy and acting out.
How do people get through this stuff?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
