More than words
So I am feeling sad and out of sorts. Lost between loving him and not loving him.
I fluctuate between anger, hurt, sorrow and joy.
I sometimes cry so hard I cannot see and other times I am numb.
I am lucky. I have so many friends who have reached out to me and want to be with me and want to show me that I am special and loved. They are making a point to spend time with me.
I want to see Buff face to face again. I think it is important for us to have a conversation. I just really do not understand how he broke up with me in an email.
I loved him so much. I really believed that he and I would last the distance. I am really surprised that he bailed.
But, then I am not. He has shown me that he is selfish. It is time to finally start working on my schedule and focussing on my wants - and he bailed. It shows he cannot give fully of himself to a female partner.
And "partner" is the wrong word to use with him. He does not want a "partner", he wants a woman who has nothing going on in her life and will wait around for him.
Two of his previous girlfriends left because they wanted to pursue other things other than being in Nelson waiting for Buff to return from his work trips. And, one girlfriend cheated on him. He does not know how to be a giving attentive partner all the time.
When I was with him, he definately had 100% of his attention on me. But, it occurs to me that as soon as he was out of sight, he gets so focussed on whatever is in front of him, that he would sort of forget about me. Hence, the reason he would not call when he said he would, or would make other plans thus cancelling our plans. He would just forget about me. This did not mean that he did not love me. I am sure that he loved me, but by just forgetting me, he was not showing me that he loved me.
It is like the song from the 90's:
Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words
Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Analysis of our Time - (the Dumping Email)
Time lines flying around the world trying to find time to connect with you on
the internet. This in itself is indicative of how I have developed this
relationship.
Been feeling sick, not sleeping and jet lagged thinking about how we are trying
to get this relationship to work.
The long distance in our relationship is not working for me, nor you.
We love eachother when we are together and the anxiety grows deep between us
when we are appart.
You said something to me a couple of weeks ago that went deep. Mostly because
it was so true. You said I was an old man not wanting to change.
Some of me has taken a long time to develope into a self preservation. The
change is enevatable, its the growth that is associated that is where the
developemnet lays.
I like the work I do. It has taken a life time to carve and it has not been
easy. I am hitting a stride that is a time in my life to make a comfortable
living and securtiy for a future when I can not work any more.
Nelson is my home and the tribe that lives there are my family. Not my blood
family but my choosen family. Which in my life has been the most important for
me. Nelson and my house is where I regain my strength. Deepen my spirit.It has
been and presently is where I grow. I find myself pining to be at my home and
finding tranquility. The developement with you and I in Vancouver gives me so
much angst I find resentment towards you.
I am ending my committment with our relationship with the amount of projected
time we need to make this relationship even come close to making it hobble
along. The amount of time that is needed to have our relationship evelove into
the best it could be, does not work with the different places we live/work and
want to spend our down time. We are in diferent places on the linear time line
of the time we have on this planet
Unity you are a beautiful, energetic intelegent women. Our time and
circumsatnces with where we are in these stages of our lives is not making us
better people. We are finding we are not the people we want to be. Our
personalities are devolving.
I am taking this time in Greenland to disconnect with our relationship as harsh
as it is.
I love you and I want you and I to be a happy people.
Take care. B
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Dumped by Email
I just got an email from the man I was totally in love. He broke up with me in the email. I received the email Friday morning. We had not spoken since Tuesday afternoon.
We are doing long distance. We got in an argument on the phone. I actually got in the argument. I was very upset. I said a lot of things. Some were nasty, but most were honest.
I love this man and when I love someone I want to give. I love to give. I have been feeling for awhile that he was not giving as much as I needed. I have been feeling that our entire relationship was on his terms.
He has a demanding work schedule. In the summer and falls he works in the film industry. In the winters he teaches avalanches courses and does heli guiding. When we saw each other was based on his work schedule and then when he could he made time for me.
He was very good making time for me. He did spend a lot of his time off with me. This is true. However, he was vague when communicating with me about when his time off was. I was often left waiting until the last minute to learn if we were going to see each other or not.
Women do not function well if we do not have concrete plans. We, women, like to have something to look forward too. Having plans makes us feel good and confident. When we do not have plans to look forward to we feel unsure and insecure.
He kept telling me that we would do the long distance for the Winter season and we would see what happens. In March I was in Nelson visiting him. I was there for 5 days and it was the first time I had seen him in 6 weeks.
I was in love (and I still do love him - thus making the break-up very confusing and devasting). I suppose I am naive when it comes to love. I believe in the fairytale - that if you love someone then you want to be with them - that you will do what it takes so you can be with that person.
Buff, he does not believe in this. He may love me. However, he always did what he wanted to do - he made all of the decisions. Then if the relationship was to work, I had to accept his decisions. I felt like I was constantly bending towards him to accomodate his needs - mostly based on his work schedule and the regenerating time he needed in Nelson.
I felt that come Spring - when he finally had time off - that he and I could finally spend time together. Take a vacation, he could come to Vancouver, I could go to Nelson, we could talk on the phone every day - that the Spring was an obvious time for us to create a strong foundation for our love.
Well, when I was in Nelson in March not only did he introduce as his "friend" a few times, but he also told people that he was going to be in Nelson for the Spring working on his bathroom. This is how I found out that he had no intention of coming to Vancouver to be with me. He did not open a conversation with me where we both had equal say and shared the decision making - he TOLD me what we would be doing.
I think I was in shock at the time, plus I wanted to be the good girlfriend, I did not want to rock the boat. So I said nothing - I accepted what Buff wanted - I guess becuase I was in love with him and I wanted him to accept me.
So to make a long story just a little shorter. We spoke at the beginning of April. At that time Buff agreed to spend 2 weeks in Nelson, then 2 weeks in Vancouver or with me. I requested of him that he start being a strong presence in my life or he could not be in life. It was too hard for me to continue to have this invisible boyfriend. I want someone who wants to be in my life and who wants to do things for me to show me that they love me. Buff agreed.
We had the first dinner with my parents. He even told my parents at dinner that he was going to spend 2 weeks in Nelson and then 2 weeks in Vancouver. When he told my parents, it made it official for me.
So the argument that we had on Tuesday was me getting mad at him for breaking his word to me.
I called him Tuesday morning. In that conversation he told me that he was leaving for Greenland the next day. So once again he TOLD me what was happening and I had to accept in order to be in a relationship.
My anger about this situation is not about him going to Greenland. It is about how he communicates it to me. He just tells me. He does not attempt at all to make me feel involved in the decision making process. Now, understand that by going to Greenland, he has cancelled his plans with me. So, he does not call me up with a better plan for the two of us. He does not say to me, "hey, how about we go to London on the 13th for a week. " I would say, "Hey, wow, sure that sounds like fun!" Then he would say, "Oh, by the way I am going to Greenland tomorrow for 2.5 weeks." I would be open to his travel to Greenland becuase he would be giving something really amazing to look forward too - a trip to London and time alone with him.
So, I was mad on Tuesday. And, yes, I do admit that I behaved inappropriately. I wanted to be loving and accepting of his plans, but it hurt me so deep that he so easily cancels his time with me. That he so easily dismisses me. And that he does not understand why I am so hurt.
I felt on Tuesday that he did not love me. I felt that I could not trust him - that he says he is going to see me or he says he is going to call me - but then he does not. I am left hanging. There are a few times where I have rearranged my work schedule - making time off to see him and then he cancels. I said to him on Tuesday that his word means nothing to me becuase he has lost his integrity with me.
I said some really bad things. All I wanted him to do was hold me, kiss me and tell me that he loves me. But, we are 9 hours away from each other. There is no touching, no kissing, no feeling. We only have the phone and computers to communicate. But, when you say you are going to call and then you don't - that is equal to breaking a date in a long distance relationship. He did this several times, or he would call several hours after he stated he would call.
So we got off the phone. I called him Tuesday night on his land line and cell phone. I really wanted to talk to him in the evening when I was not at work. He did not call. I was hurt.
I called him Wednesday before his flight left. He did not answer. Instead I got an email from him breaking up with me on Friday morning.
I am so devasted. I am stuck between knowing that if he is so cowardly that he has to break up with me in an email then he really is not the strong person who makes himself out to be. However, I do love him, and a part of me feels that this whole thing is a big fat miscommunication and we just need to talk with each other face to face in a calm manner to sort this through.
Essentially I feel hurt. Really hurt and I am in disbelief.
As a friend said last night, if he is going to bolt after an argument then he is not worth being in a relationship.
Another friend emailed me this:
"He broke up with an email?? After 9 months???
I don't even know what to say, except I'm really sorry you're in pain. And to focus on getting clear about what really matters to you. To me, breaking up with someone after that long in an email after ignoring prepeated phone messages is a sign (a really big sign) that perhaps he didn't have the stuff you were looking for. There's a lot more to being a man than navigating avalanche country."
I am going to go get a dog now.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Attention is Attention
Wow, it has been months!! What a fall and winter it has been.
I opened a store... and it is really fantastic!! It is gorgeous and great and just really super special.
I also fell in love.
What a shocker. Who would have thought. And, he is in love with me. What a bigger shocker.
The last several months have been amazing and challenging. I feel so blessed to know this man. He is a dream. Everything I wanted in a man he is - except he is a little shorter than I would have pictured my dream man to be. Oh well.
We are doing long distance and today is the first time we have seen each in other 19 days. This amount of time apart was a real challenge. He was on a boat out of communication range. He got in a bad avalanche and was very shaken up this experience.
There was not much I could do being in Vancouver and not really hearing from him. So I read a few books on relationships. It was very good for me to do some deep research like this. I also pulled some info off the internet on doing a LDR - short for 'Long Distance Relationship'. So I learned that I can not be needy or winey or demanding or emotional. So, I can state what I want, if nothing changes then the best avenue is to just ignore him.
And, it works. Wow. It would be so simple - if only I had not been wailing the three nights before he returned to Van. But, I guess I got all the crying out of my system and I have cursed tons under my breath during the past couple of weeks and I did go a little nut bar. According to the books these are all normal reactions in regards to how little we talked, we had no plans to look forward to and he was doing whatever he wanted in regards to time and I had to bend.
I was so happy to see him - even though I had been so angry. But, I played hard. After this fabulous lunch/early dinner at Card's I laid down my declaration of what I want - that was that. Strangely he seemed to go for it.
My advice for women. If he is being a dick then just ignore him. Negative attention is the same as positive attention for men - attention is attention. So give them no attention and they humbling become your servent.
Hmph!
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
