How
Wow things are happening.... full on. I am playing the game of being committed to my life and my word. There are no more "IF's" in my life; now I am "HOW"; soon I will be my word 100%.
Right now my challenge is getting to New York for the weekend of March 17th-19th. I would like to stay a couple of extra days to shop and explore.
No time for men right now. I am just a busy doer... putting my word into existance. This is a full-time job.
I am looking for a dog which is very exciting. I believe I can achieve a level of intimacy from a dog which I absolutely am unable to get from being single. I am like a cold fortress with no heat right now.... I need some loving.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Big
Okay, so I did not win the lottery. I thought that if I believed it enough then it would happen. That did not work.
Let's try another way. I am wanting to create my life as to how it will look in one year. My ideal perfect life. Not, the make-do-life-which-will-work-becuase-i-am-not-living-my-ideal-life.
This is my goal. To write and dream and plan and make it all happen. To think BIG. Plan BIG. Put it into action BIG.
It is time. No more of these baby steps, little baby steps, tiny baby steps. It is time to step up to the plate and make this happen. BIG!
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I won the lottery
I went to a Persian B'hai dinner party tonight. It was absolutely fantastic. They all went ballistic over my name... it means something in their religion. Plus, they were all really nice people who presented themselves in a very polished way. They were friendly, welcoming and articulate. They all drove very nice cars... I was a little embarrassed by my van.
The men were very stylish, cute and friendly!
I told the hostess that I was interested in learning more about being B'Hai and to invite me to more events.
I have decided that I won today's lottery. I am so excited. Thank you god for making this happen.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Thank You God
Okay... I am over my anger with early retired millionaire. I am going go call him tomorrow to apologize and clear this with him. I get that it was not him that I am upset with but what he represents to me .... men.
The game I am playing that all men are great is challenging. It is really mirroring to me that I don't actually hold men very highly. I am very disappointed by them. So, it is very good for me to play the game that they are all great. I am starting to get something new and different.
I had a healing tonight with Isabella. It was long.
About love she said the man is older than me.... around 40-42. I will have a daughter. That I should go to Home Depot and do things there. And start kayaking.
She said that I have this unattainableness about me which only attracts total idiots. She also said that I need to cook more and create more love in my life. That I am alone... I am surrounded by lots of people but I am alone. She said that I have not men my life partner yet... it may still be awhile.... I started to cry..... I am so fed up of being on my own.... for god's sake.
Oh speaking of God, I am to write a thank you note to thank for everything and then add what I want. I need to be very clear.
Thank You god for the experience of being single for years and years, I am now ready to meet a man who can be my best friend and I can create a life partnership with. Thank You.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
3rd Date with Ben & Jerry
I just finished my date with Ben and Jerry in New York with Super Fudge Chunk.
This is my life. I choose it. I choose that men think I am depedent, needy and uh.... what was the other thing.
I choose that I am indepedent.
I have a hard time choosing these becuase it annoys me that I am viewed as being a way which I am not by strangers.....argh. People who know me are taken aback with my level of living.
I am annoyed.
I am playing the game that all men are great.
I am playing the game of going to sleep.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
fuck
I am just going over the apology I recieved... after eating a bunch of Ben & Jerry's - My Valentines dates. I am upset over the comments he said last night. It hurt, he punched deep. And I do not feel enrolled in his apology.
I am strong and independent... I have my moments where I feel weak and sad. Yet, I feel that as soon as I admit I feel a bit down or I wish I had a partner.... it means that I am needy and desperate and putting my life on hold. Humans are meaning making machines. I hate it when people in relationships dole out advice to single people about being needy.
I am so angry and so hurt right now that I could just fucking punch a wall.
I am opening myself up to being vulnerable in my life.... and I felt that I was in a safe place with my Landmark group to share. Instead, I feel judged, put down, and unsupported.
Fuck.
I hate this. I would love to call someone and share my breakdown, but I have no one to call becuase I am too fucking indepedent.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Apology
This is the apology email I recieved from the early retired multi-millionaire:
I feel shitty about how it went last night. It's not the first time I've done something like that. I had a point I was trying to make and it morphed into something completely different. All I meant to say was don't count on a relationship to make things better. Unfortunatley it came out quite different. I have a lot of stuff about women being "dependent" on men. I tend to get on a soap box about it every once in a while and I guess that's what happened last night.
sorry again.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes
I had a crazy meeting this evening with my living passionately seminar group. The habit in me wants to make 2 of them wrong, and me right - this is also the victim in me. No service here.
So what happened and what I heard can be two entirely different items. Let's start with what I heard.
I was talking about how I was feeling sad that I would have no one buying me anything special for Valentine's Day. It was all fine. I asked for homework and I was given the job to view every man whom I meet this week as great. When I meet a man my perspective is that he is great.
The Mid-wife and early retired multi-millionaire decided that the problem was being sugar coated. This is where I start to get really confused and really emotional. What Nick heard was the mid-wife beginning to talk about my business and that it got mixed in with my ability to create a relationship. What I heard was that if I want to meet someone who is a go-getter and successful in business then I have to be that myself. The mid-wife said that I was not that.
She then asked me what my back-up plan was for myself if my business fails. I was in shock. I had no back-up plan. I responded with, "I believe so absolutely that my business is going to be a success that it has not even occurred to me that this would not happen for me."
By this time, I was clearly upset. Someone had to get me tissues.
She said that there are 3 key elements in creating a business. Two of them are the ability to accept credit cards and location. She continued to point out that right now I do not have 2 of these. So my business is not successful.
I was in shock again. I did not take it well. I pointed out that yes I have had low days of sales and yes I do not have the ability to accept credit cards. However, I put into action last week steps to change this. Steps of working towards the future, the summer and all along the journey creating absolutely the best business I can.
I am not Ya Ms. But. I am a doer. I am putting my words into action. I am making my life happen. I do not take well to people who "play" the devil's advocate, becuase they are not playing, they really are the the devil's advocate. I do not have space in my life for people who do not support me. Nor do I need people to say all squishy sweet things to make me feel good. I need people who are going to see the obstacles and assist me in finding a route through them or around them.
The early retired multi-millionaire suggested that I was being deperate and needy with men, then the mid-wife said I was being like this with my business. So basically they said that I was being desperate and needy, putting my life on hold until I met someone, and I was sugar coating everything.
I am still upset with these comments. I feel like I get very defensive about this desperate and needy and putting my life on hold comments.
Yes, there are certain aspects to being an adult that I thought I would experience and share with a partner. Well, I don't have a partner, but I have still experienced these things. I have taken so much on in my life. I have done and accomplished so much with my dreams and goals, and I have done it on my own. I am the furthest thing from putting my life on hold. I have already lived 3 lifetimes in my experiences in everything but love. In love.... well, yes, this is an area where I have not really felt and experienced what I hope to experience. Yes, this does hurt sometimes. Yes, I talk about it when it hurts.... no, I do not talk about it when I am feeling good. So, I bring up relationships tonight for the first time with my group and the conclusion that two of them decide on is that I am desperate, needy, putting my life on hold, and my business is not successful.
So on to the great things. I left the meeting crying. I was truly upset and I still get upset when I think about it. I walked along the ocean and listened to my Gremlin and watched the full moon. I went to the water and crouched on a rock.
I asked the universe for help. I contemplated that I was doing the wrong thing, that my business was not the path for me, that I was heading in the wrong direction. Then I asked the Universe for a CLEAR sign that the path I am taking is correct; that my business is going to be successful; that I will be successful; that I will achieve the capital to start the summer business plans; that this is just another obstacle on the path to success.
I sat there in silence.
My text beeper went off. I opened up my phone. It said "Yes".
Crazy. It was from Brent. I texted him two days ago... I don't know what he is responding to.
I got up from the beach, and was on the path when my text beeper went off. I opened up the phone, it said "Yes" again.
Strange. I got back to my van and my text beeper went off again. It said "Yes" again.
Now I am smiling and laughing. I texted back, "R U Sure?".
A little while later when I was driving my text beeper went off again. It said, "Yes".
Then it went off a fifth and sixth time and it said "Yes".
Six times I got the "Yes" message.
Crazy. Very Clear. Very, very clear.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
It's raining men!
I am living life passionately. I have been busy being very involved this week. I went to two huge parties - a white party on Thursday hosted by Bacardi. It was fun, everyone wearing white... a real laugh.
Last night I went to a huge and fabulous singles event at Sugar and Sugar. The venue was amazing and the people were great. I had a fantastic time. I met many men.... a reporter for the local big newspaper, he was nice, he liked me but he was clingy and not working the room. I was working the room and people who dragged conversations out got left behind. The reporter was one of them. At an event like last night, the men need to jump, make a fabulous impression, listen to me, ask for my card and then make an exit.
I was on fire last night.... and I was dead sober. I got my photo taken for the local newspaper. I was also photographed by another professional photographer at the event several time. It was excting.
I met Grant a coporate networking guy from Calgary... he was fun. I enjoyed my conversation with him. He was a little too chubby for my taste... but he is going to drop my work tomorrow to check it out.
I( also met some very cute guy called Chris. We were playing eyes. I knew that he wanted to say hi but he kept missing his oppotunity. The sticky reporter hung on for too long. I went out of my way to make myself open to Chris approaching me.... but stick reporter got in the way. I finally ditched the reported and was on my way to say "hi" to someone when I bumped into the stockbroker whom I had the fabulous grind with in the hallway dowtown over Christmas. He was dating my friend... now they are on the fritz.
Anyways, I finally got to meet Chris at the chocolate fondue fountain. We bonded over strawberries and chocolate. He was unable to speak in complete sentences.... he was very evasive. I asked him if he was high... he said no. I thought it was a bust.... but, I felt like I had a power over him which I really enjoyed. Finally he asked for my number... it took him a long time.
He kept repeating himself... "Is this your cell?"
"Yes, it's my cell."
I also ran into my friend who hit on me on Boxing Day just after I dropped my cell phone in the toilet.
On another note, I spoke to the Doctor yesturday. We might do something this week... yoga and a dj. The Doctor is truly great.... I super like him as a person, and I am clear that I want him as a person in my life.... it does not mean a lover or anything more than friends. But, he is special.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
A Threesome with Ben & Jerry
I need to have sex.
All of this "I am happy and satisfied with life and I am playing full out and living passionately" is great.... but I am still single and I am still not having sex. Being happy is a big cover up for the fact that my business is having all time low sales and I am not getting laid. But, what they hey, at least I am happy. And, I am happy. I am not saying I am happy as a big cover up to hide that I am not happy.
I may be stuffing emotions with food... I just ate a $7 500ml tub of Ben & Jerry's "The Godfather"Icecream. I ate it in about 7 minutes. Not only do I have a bad reaction to sugar but I am also lactose intolerance.
The copious amounts of chocolate is making up for the fact that I need sex.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
sushi and saki
Lucky me... I get to see the mortgage broker. He came by my place at the mall yesturday morning and today at lunch. He works upstairs in the offices. Wow. He is really cute.... so cute that I hardly have time to really take in the details of him... what he is wearing, how his hair is styled... I am like a silly little smitten 14 year old who is totally unfocussed becuase I am totally dizzy with giddiness.
Brent and I went out for sushi on Sunday night. We had raw mackeral with eggplant and tofu agedashi. We drank 3 bottle of hot saki. I love hot saki.
I had a talk with him about how I prefer to have more communication and affection in my relationships in order to feel more comfortable with being sexually expressive. He said that he was happy being friends and he would prefer to have my respect than nothing at all. It was fabulous and I have been smiling ever since.
Now, of course, I am back to liking him. I think he is really cute, and nice. I had such a great time with him on Sunday. I felt very relaxed and myself.
Business is slow, so I am playing the game of awareness and smiling.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
A Little Sad
Today was a day which was a day which leaves me feeling a bit down and sad. Perhaps it is my pre-menstrual. Regardless, I find Sunday's mornings really difficult when I am single.
I book my Sunday and Saturday mornings with Yoga because then I do not have to confront the fact that I am single and I have no one to lie in bed with to make love to; nor do I have anyone to go to breakfast or a long walk with. I am alone.
Today my Yoga was cancelled. I had already had a little lay in and a little walk. But I needed more. So I went for a jog. I am not much particular a fan of running and I ran and I ran and I ran. I ran until I had cramps so bad that I thought I was going to have liquids pouring out of all of my body's natural cavities.
My Landmark group has assigned me the homework of communicating with Brent why our relationship is not working. I am doing it tonight. I don't want to do it. I want to avoid it.
And this is what I learned about myself this week.... I am an avoider of things I do not like.
My van broke down today. I did not want to deal with it. I broke into tears. Then I puckered up and walked away. Right now I do not want to deal with it. I could leave my van there, parked forever on the side of the road. However, both Brent and my Dad have offered to help.
Business was so slow for me this week. I want to be optimisitic and positive, however, today I feel affected by it. I am a little sad about it.
Joe and Joni broke up a couple of weeks ago. I thought they were going to get married.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
How much longer?
I am a workaholic these days. I am putting in long days. It is great because I don't think I have ever been this organized with my business. It is unfortunate becuase I have not been dating nor have I been meeting men.
I have been feeling great lately and not thinking about being single and men.... and is this not the time when I am suppose to meet someone.... when I am not looking.
I hate that saying. It implies that if you are prepared and ready and have an eye ready then you will never meet anyone. But, when you are just doing your thing with no thoughts about men or relationships then you will meet the man of your dreams.
Well, I spent years doing my thing and I was happy and enthusiastic for life... and I did not meet the man of my dreams. Instead I remained single.
Argh. I am tired of waiting.
Last night I had so many dreams. I dreamt of meeting someone and feeling close. Sharing intimacy and love. It felt real.
Remember when you use to dream of orgasims before you ever had one in real life? This is what my dreams were last night. It was me dreaming that I was with someone, that we felt very connected, that it was our time to be together.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever will meet anyone.... How much longer?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
