Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Self-Absorbed Men

Kenny, 34 years old and a recent transfer to Toronto from Vancouver, said men in Vancouver are self-absorbed.


Hmmmmm. I believe that this is a spot on statement. I have been dating men my age, in their early 30’s for a year now. I have consistently been experiencing the same re-occurring theme with them. At first they appear interested and we connect on a friend level and sexually. Usually after our first intense sexual connection they pull away – they take space.

Then when they return, our dynamics have shifted. We seem to have lost our friend connection and suddenly we enter this awkward world of dating. Bleh. Yuck.

I have blamed myself for this awkwardness. Does my head start swimming in expectations or rules?


But, this idea of self-absorbed interests me.

Let’s talk Alex. He is the most recent guy I have been seeing. The first times I met him, he spoke openly about wanting a relationship, wanting to share his life, wanting to get married and wanting kids. Now, he talks about himself, his goals, his accomplishments, his life, his ideas and himself. This is great except he does not seem interested in wanting to hear about me or what I want. I also feel prohibited in sharing that I also want to meet a partner and share my life, get married, have kids. Once I say the same things, I feel men start touching me with giant tongs to hold me at a distance because I have somehow transformed into a needy, desperate woman who only wants to meet men to get married and have babies because my biological clock is ticking.

Which is not true. I want to have regular sex. I want to wake up in someone’s arms and share life’s experience with someone.

On Thursday night I was annoyed with Alex. Like really annoyed. He communicates nothing to me and I feel that I am left in a situation where I am to guess what is happening or to assume I am meant to be next to him. I feel like my position is that of a cute puppy with no voice but to follow Alex around on his whims.

I feel confused by this. I am so accustomed to being an independent that I don’t know how to just follow someone else around. I am burdened by the need for communication. I am so confused when there is no or little communication. It throws me into a flurry of thoughts.

Are men in their early 30’s self-absorbed? I feel like they are focussed on selling themselves to me instead of getting to know me. Alex tells me all about himself, but I don’t even know if he has even told me in this last month one compliment to me. He does not say I am pretty or I am good snowboard or anything.

It leaves me feeling disconnected from him and wondering if he has any real interest in me.

Maybe I am just a complainer and no man will ever be good enough for me.

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