Love Stuck

Hey Alex

Hey Alex,

I hope you survived your week of meetings and buying houses and waking up in the middle of night stressed out about buying houses.

I wanted to share with you that I have really enjoyed my time with you – Whistler was awesome and all the other little things. You make me happy.

In my life right now I am taking a time out to self reflect. This is not the easiest thing for me to do as I have been in an over achiever mode for a few years. It is great to pause, breath and reflect but in order for change to occur I feel it is important for me to take responsibility for who I have been being.

I have big walls around me. I am not accustomed to allowing myself to be relaxed and more freely expressed around men I am not familiar with.

You told me that you were seeing a counsellor for being a bad communicator. I am also seeing a counsellor. I have not considered myself a bad communicator – however, I am.

I believe that communication is key to a healthy relationship. If two people have good communication then they can pretty much work through anything. I am learning that a key part of good communication is honesty, openness, vulnerability and this automatically says that there is a sense of trust. When a person puts themselves in a vulnerable position they are saying I trust you or that I trust you will honour my thoughts, my feelings.

It is challenging for me to be vulnerable because it is hard for me to trust.

I hold myself back from sharing my intimate thoughts and dreams with others. I am afraid of the rejection. Somehow, I have come to believe that hiding myself will protect me.

People do not make it to our age without their relationships scars. We all have them. Perhaps, that is why it is easier to date younger people – they seem to have less scars.

I have scars and insecurities. They are there. I wish they were not. I know that I present myself as a surface person with no depth – and this is not me. I am at a point in my life where I am looking for someone to share my life with because I want to have kids and I want to experience being a mother and a wife. I want this.

I am a good person who has created an interesting path for myself – and it has not been all roses. I do have my struggles. It is these struggles which have contributed to the construction of my walls but also to my strength, will power, and endurance. I have always been an individual who wants to understand this human experience and it is my intrigue with life that has led me in so many different directions.

These past few months have been difficult for me. I have learned that I want my relationships with my friends and family to be a priority in my life. I want to be there for others. I have been pouring all my energy into my store. Ultimately, this has drained me and I feel I am missing out on creating stronger relationships with the people I love. And the impact is that I am steering myself away from people.

I know that I am on the cusp of change. I know that I am at a point where I need to take a major leap of faith into my future. I am closing a chapter and I am scared.

I appreciate my time with you and I wanted to apologize for allowing my walls and fear to intercept my honesty.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 10:39 AM