Love Stuck

Empathetic

I saw my therapist this morning. A man about 40. I have been holding everything in. It gushes out with him.

I want to move - run from this life. A mother fighting a cancer, a sister with a mental disability, another sister with a husband and 2 kid who does not work, a failing business, minimal friends, lost in a big city, single. I am in my early 30's and I am on the brink of having nothing.

I am scared.

I have anger.

I am alone.

Dr. Jeff suggested to me that I objectify people in my life. I group them in categories. Then I view and approach and them from these categories. Therapist, Employee, Customer, Friend, Man, Lover. I do not let my guard down to be vulnerable or compassionate with people.

Why?

To protect myself? Perhaps. Probably.

Why?

So I don't get hurt. My walls are high and thick, made of brick, steel, and lucite. Yes, they can keep people out but they also keep me in. Guarded. Protected. Alone.

I sit here and make plans to make myself even more guarded and protected. Practically a recluse.

Dr. Jeff said I run around trying to do what I think I am suppose to do. It exhausts me. So when something does not happen the way I think it should happen then I get disappointed and angry.

I think to myself, all the things I did right, so when he does not call.... I get angry. And I think about everything I did. Then I blame him, instead of being empathetic. I don't listen to him. I am not vulnerable with him. I am not kind.

Obviously this is father issues.

My father is always positive. Rarely shows anger but then will burst about small insignificant things. Buff was always positive.

I am afraid to be myself. I have feel like I have been rejected so much. That I am petrified to admit that I want to have kids. Scared.

I am scared about saying I want kids becuase this is why Buff says he broke up with me. I feel that men will group me as desperate for babies and stay away. I feel like I have to be this good time girl all the time around men.

Empathetic.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 3:25 AM