Sunday, March 28, 2010

Battle for Power

New form of feminism - must be total sex bomb and independently successful and liberated.

The old ideas of courting can make you vulnerable - like playing hockey without a helmut. Once the man thinks he has you a bit, he withdraws to gain the power back.

In Mars Venus, this withdrawing is referred to the man going into his cave. However, at the beginning of a courtship, I personally do not believe a man needs to go into his cave if he is only seeing you once maybe twice a week. So I believe there has to be another reason for this withdrawing.

In the past 6 weeks, I have spoken to Alejandro, Jamie & Justin. In their conversations with me, they all used the word power. I think this is interesting, because I do not believe a woman considers this idea of Power when she is getting to know a man. When I am dating a man, I am thinking romantic thoughts and dreamy feelings. I am not even considering that there is a power struggle occurring.

What I have learned this week, is that men perceive the beginning of a relationship as a battle for power. Perhaps, even the whole relationship.

So, I have been approaching relationships with this idea of romance and sharing. Men may also be approaching with these ideas in mind, but they also bring power into it.

I did not have sex with Alejandro. When we had our break-up conversation, he said to me that I withheld sex for power.

I was absolutely shocked and livid when he said this. I did not have sex with him becuase he did not turn me on enough. Literally. I could not get juiced up enough to have sex with him. But, he blamed me, and decided I wanted the power in the relationship and I thought that by with holding sex that I would gain power.

My perspective is different. We had one hot and heavy night, I was into him. Then he withdrew. I did not hear from him for a few days - he was evasive. I thought, at the time, for the first couple of days, that he withdrew because he was feeling insecure about his small peanus. He later told me, that he withdrew because he needed space. But, by the time he came back from his little space break, I had lost my lust and excitement for him. I instead felt disappointed and I withdrew.

Alejandro was not able to get me excited again, because, I believe, that he thought he already had me because we almost had sex. He came to expect that I would want to have sex with him because we came so close to having it earlier. But, I needed him to romance me and seduce me again by giving me attention. He did not step up to the plate again and I lost interest in him.

Alex and I had sex once. It was hot and heavy and lust and needing and grasping. My girly parts were screaming for him.

Alex is hot and cold in his communications with me. After, a cold period, I need him to heat me up again. To apply the same passion of courtship that he was using before we had sex for the first time. His perspective, when I hesitated to have sex was "We have already had sex, why don't you want it again?"

I understand his perspective and I needed his reassurance. If I had sex with him again, will he withdraw again? It is his withdrawal for the days post the intimacy and vulnerability of sex that I need his reassurance the most. So when he needs space or becomes out of communication post sex, it throws me into a tizzy of insecurity.

My mind starts racing - I start questioning my physical body, what I said, how I smelled, tasted, everything. I can nearly become hysterical because I start believing that my vulnerability, intimacy and trust has been taken advantage of by someone who I believed I really like. I feel mislead and lied to. So I start to withdraw. I begin eliminating him from my life. By deleting his texts, phone messages, emails then all of his contact information.

I begin to think he just wanted sex, got it, then moves on. This story I tell myself hurts and confuses me. If he just wanted sex, then why would he say all those sweet things and do those nice things. Why would he put any effort into it?

So how do I get over this hurdle?

I can become calmer and more patience and accept this process. Is there anything else I can do?




live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

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