To Automatically Know
I wonder what it feels like to just know that you have someone to spend New Years with. That no matter what you do, where you are, you know that you will be with this one person and that is all that matters because you love them, and they love you.
I, on the other hand, still have that childish hope that wherever I spend New Years - and it better be a really good place - that I will meet my life partner, my soulmate - afterall, it is a New Year, what better time for God to introduce us.
And, as we all know, this will not happen for two reasons.
1. Once you think that you might meet the man of your life if you go to such and such party, or the grocery store or wherever... as soon as that thought happens, you have ruined all possibility of meeting the person at that event. It is totally jinxed.
One must never hypothosize about where they might meet their soulmate.
2. No One ever meets their soulmate on New Years... I have never heard of it happening.
Back on Track
I have now slept sufficient hours and my hangover is gone. I did a yoga class today, and the man next to me was so stunningly hot. WOW. He was black with an amazing body, great hair..... he was just great.
He was so hot, that I got nervous, and I could not even look at him, thus I could not talk to him. I did sneak some peaks during twists and triangle.... but nothing too serious. Besides I was all of too tired, and hung to really make a great impression.
I am about to head out for a walk on the beach on my own. Then I am going to buy a book, "Why Men Love Bitches." Then I am going to buy a book to make a scrapbook with so I can work towards branding my business. Then I am going to come home and clean, clean, clean.
I feel so much better after sleeping.... I believe my negativity has disappeared with the last of the digestion of the Gin and Tonics.
I also spoke to Brent today. He is heading to Buenos Aires. I thought that he did not want me to come, but he was working really hard to book a ticket for me. And it is challenging right becuase of the holidays and he speaks no Spanish. So everything is closed, and he is having difficulty communicating. I am feeling good about not going.
I am debating on whether I should call the man who sold me my Gucci's in the basement of his home. I am pretty sure he is interested in me - hence the phenomenal deal - but I am not ready to give up my Gucci connection.... just in case it does not work out.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Hoochie Cougar
I had a nightmare last night.... I dreamt that I turned into an aging cougar. That I became a 30 year old hooch with heavy make-up to hide my age lines and that I was a bitch with a terrible attitude.
Part of this nightmare is me now. Just when I am feeling good about myself, I go and drink a bunch of gin and tonics. Then I get super emotional, mean to my friends, and totally down on my situation.
It is 9:41am, the last plane I can catch to make it to Santiago or Buenos Aires on times for New Years leaves at 1:45pm today. So I guess my romantic, leave by the seat of your pant plans to spend New Years in South America are dashed.
So I am going to yoga instead.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
The last 29 year old single woman alive
I went out tonight to a very interesting cocktail party. I had fun, but I drank a fair number of gin and tonics, and there were no single men to flirt with. So my alcohol energu managed to get channelled into - I-am-angry-at-friends-for-falling-in-love-and-leaving-me-alone-to-be-single energy. And, right now I am totally devasted.
I get so angry at them - the girls. They are all in relationships - and I am single... alone. I never thought that I would be the last one to fall in love.
There is something so sad....pathetically sad, about being single at 29. I am the last one.
So I sit here and wait for a man to decide at the last minute... the absolute last minute... if he wants to spend New Years with me... or not.
There is no definate, "I want to be with you becuase I am in totally madly crazy about you and you are the love of my life and I am totally obssessed with you. I get.... I do not know anymore what I get.
I am single. I am the woman who men do not choose to be with. And, I am drunk and totally emotional.
At least I have a new phone now. Maybe, I will be cooler and more connected now.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
No Chile
I felt very close to going to Chile. I had made the calls I needed to make, I had organized items. The only thing that was missing was a pedicure and bikini wax. Brent called today at 3:30pm, he showed minimal enthusiasm for me joining him. We got cut off three times - my phone got dropped in the toilet last week, so it is not in top condition. I do not feel that our conversation was complete, and he has not called back. So be it. I am not going to Chile.
Instead, I am going to a cocktail party downtown in a loft. Then I have to make plans for New Years. Do I tuck myself away on an island with friends, do I attend a very expensive dinner, do I........ who knows.
It is time for my bikini line to be groomed.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
3 Messages
Lot's happening. It feels dry to me... but, 3 messages came towards me today. Things have been quiet in my life as I am hiding myself in my apartment watching Season 4 of Sex in the City, and only leaving to walk along the beach when it is briefly sunny so I can wear my new Gucci sunglasses.
Message number one came from my friend who wants to exploit our friendship into a relationship. I think he is freaking out because he is nearing 30, and is suddenly desperate to be in a relationship. On Boxing Day at the party I was at... my good friend of several years... since 1997... put the idea out to me that he would like to be in a relationship with me. I told him that I was drunk and not a good time. Later that same evening, we shared a bed to sleep in, and it felt so wrong. He was trying to make moves.... I pretended to be passed out. He tried.... for hours... rubbing my shoulder, touching my arms... it was horrible. I told him, no I did not want to be in a relationship with him and nor do I want to make out with him. So.... I left the ski town the next evening.
This guy called tonight to see what my plans are for New Years. He is going out on a boat and then to an all night party.
The second message I got was an email from the Yoga Teacher tonight. This is what it said:
"
I'm sorry our interactions at CityYoga have been so brief. We should get together soon and talk. If you want. What are you doing for New Year's? "
I responded with, "no problems, I am thinking of going to Santiago"... I left out Chile. I thought perhaps he would think Santiago is the name of a new restuarant or club or rave party.
Which brings me to the third message I received today from the Brent in two different formats. The phone message started with a very bad pronounciation of Buenos Noches. Then he continued to give me information about meeting him in Chile. I called Brent yesturday and I left a message, I asked if he needed a New Years Date. It appears that he would like one.
Since I ate the fish my libido has kicked in and I am horny. I have been totally fantasising about the Older Man, I am ready to sleep with him, and I would love to sleep with him in Chile.
His email was more brief.
" In Chile! sun 32c what do u think "
I think I want to go to Chile and leave the other two messages and their senders behind.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Holidaying time with Gucci
Christmas has come and gone. It was a great holiday. I worked a lot and I played a lot. I missed out on yoga and excerise but good times all the time.
I saw Brent on Thursday evening. I dropped by his home. We had some good red wine and we talked. As it goes, I am liking him more and more. He gifted me a jewelry box, which I thought was absolutely fantastic becuase I do not have one and I own a lot of jewelry. He also gifted me with a plane ticket.... or, so he says. It is to go anywhere that Singapore, Continental and Air Canada fly to. The catch is, I have to go with him. Which I am absolutely glad to do.
He left Christmas Eve. I called him yesturday and he was in LA at the airport choosing where to go. He missed all of the morning departures to South America, so he was thinking of Tahaiti and New Zealand.
I have not spoken to him since. So, am I going? I don't know.
Instead I am leaving in 10 minutes to drive to the ultra hip ski town 2 hours from here for a Boxing Day party. I will be wearing my new Gas Jeans and my new Gucci Sunglasses! Yeah! Both, are gifts to myself. And, lucky me, I only paid $50 for the Gucci's as I know a distributor and he hooked me up very nicely.
I took yoga today with the Yoga Teacher. It was a great class. I really needed it. I feel absolutely nothing towards him. No anger, no love. It just is what it is. Tomorrow is his 34th Birthday. I had bought him a couple of very nice and somewhat pricey tea mugs for Christmas and his Birthday. But, since the whole rules conversation, I have been very reluctant to gift him these items, and I think I will save them for someone else.
So, it is time to get in the car. Drink an eggnog latte and drive and listen to Jack Johnson. I am on HOLIDAY for a week!!!!!!!!
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Night Out
I don't know what has happened in me recently, but I feel really different. I feel sexier and more bold.... when I was younger I embodied these qualities more.
For a long while, I felt a lot of pressure to be in a relationship because all of my close friends are in long term relationships. 98% of their time outside of work is focussed on their partner. We no longer hang out and do really great things together. Our together time is Thursday night OC, or alternating dinner parties at different people's homes.
It is fucking boring. And, all they talk about are relationships, renovating homes and weddings. I detest it.
I got very upset for awhile over this. I felt very isolated. Brent told me it was a phase that they were going through and then it would be over sometime later. I see now that he is very right, but I was consummed by feeling ostercized due to my single status and I felt very down about it.
Now, I get that my life is fun, great and exciting. I get to flirt with who I want, kiss who I want.... I get to go on fantastic dates and be wined and dined. I love it.
Tonight I went to one of the restuarants which the Older Man owns. It is a gorgeous restuarant, with great food. It was totally packed and it is an amazing place. I love it. I had ahi tuna, which was great. I was there with three girlfriends, and I met up with, for 30 minutes, the ex-love-of-my-life, who also happened to be the DJ playing tonight.
Sitting in the restuarant, I got very into thinking of the Older Man (he was not there, but his influence was), I have really been thinking about him a lot lately. I like him.
I also got checked out by another and different older man. I really liked it. And, I realized, that I totally dig older guys around 50 years. They can be extremely sexy.....
Plus, it was great to see my ex. We have not seen each other in 5 years. Back in 1998-99, I was totally in love with him and he was with me. I have not experienced that level of love with anyone else since. It was great to see him tonight.
So it was a fun and fantastic evening.
Being single is fun and exciting.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Section 4
I met my 3 of my girlfriends for dinner tonight at a fabulous restuarant downtown. It was so great. We talked about men and dating and sex. We laughed and we shared. It was great!!! This is what I want more of in my life. Having great dinners with friends. I feel like it always ends up so formal or domesticated. Tonight was great.
There was also many cute men, including our waiter. Wow, he was cute!
I got asked out twice today by two different men. Wow. The first was Eve, a personal trainer, whom I met in the parking lot of the mall. He is very energetic and very cute.
The second was Jonathan. More reserved, but extremely nice and friendly.
I feel good again. And, yes it would appear as if I am basing my happiness on the amount of attention I recieve from men, and not from inner acceptance.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Christmas Tree
I got my first Christmas tree today as an adult living on my own. This is a monumental moment in my 29 years of age.
The tree was free. A few highschool students were walking through the mall today with two trees to give away. They were singing a Christmas carol with the words "free tree". I took one of the trees. It was so easy.
Last night I saw my first Christmas Tree Lot, I thought to myself, "It would be nice to have a Christmas Tree". Then, my thought manifested itself 16 hours later. The students even carried it to my van for me. I did absolutely nothing... except buy a tree strand and some ornaments - all of which were marked down 40%.
A few thoughts on my mind of this occurance.
First, this does show the power of manifestation. So it is true I do have to be really careful about the thoughts I think in my head, as they do come true. So no evil, or negative little creatures are allowed to dart through my mind. Only happy, positive thoughts of love, a successful business, safe travels, and myself earning $100,000 a year.
Second thought on this occurance. This is another first time occurance in my life which I thought I would be sharing with a partner. Instead, it is something I do on my own. I should be happy. I am happy. But, I find something sort of sad and lonely in the whole affair.
My fear, is that I am going to be the old lady who lives with a ton of cats, never gets married, becomes hunchback and smokes myself to death.
I do want to be and I have been happy on my own. I have had amazing times with myself. But, now I am ready and wanting to share my experiences with someone. I want someone to know me and to appreciate me. I want to know someone else and appreciate them. I feel so isolated, I really have no idea what it feels like to be close and to share with someone.
There are times when I feel so close. I really, really liked Jesse. But, he did not like me back. I want to talk to him about what happened. However, he will not give me time. So I feel even more alone. I want to learn and I want to get it. I am so tired of not understanding. I am so tired of not knowing why someone does not want to be with me.
I would like to hope with Jesse that he could talk with me about what happened. Did I push him away? Before we got together, he said that I created my rejections. I want to know how I created this rejection with him. But, I am afraid of him, becuase I already feel so far from him, and I feel like he wants nothing to do with me.
Then there is the Doctor, I also really liked him. But, he just was not that into me. He prefers his ex-girlfriend who now has a child with someone else.
For one evening I wanted to make-out with the Stockbroker, but he prefers Geneva.
There was Brent.... I don't know... it just flattened out and ended.
There have been so many men, and I am still so alone. When I turned 28 years old, I felt so confident that during my 28th year I was going to meet someone. That finally love was going to happen to me. All I wanted for my 29th Birthday was a lovely romantic dinner with someone, a weekend get away. But, no such luck. Brent nor the Doctor even wished me a Happy Birthday. I did, however, recieve a business coaching lecture from Randolf, another guy I was dating at the time. It was the last convseration that Randolf and I had.
Now it is Christmas and New Years. All my friends are balancing Christmas between their families and their boyfriends/fiances/husbands' families. I get to spend Christmas with my family - like I did when I was 14 years old.
I have no plans for New Years. I have been sending group emails to my girlfriends about this special night with no response. One girlfriend told me that she was going to be up at her ski cabin for a quiet night of dinner with her husband and a few other couples. There was no mention of an invite to me. None of my other friends have responded. So.... I have no plans.
I am tired of having to be happy all the time. I am actually feeling some deep and intense pain from all of this weekly rejection which I am subjected to being a single woman nearing 30 living in the city.
Yet, it is like I have no reason to feel bad. It is not like I am going through a break-up of a boyfriend. I am just single.
And, I am so tired and I am so hurt by being single. I want a magic potion to take this all away. All I ever hear from the psychics is that I will meet someone once my business is successful.
Yet, the success of my business feels far away - meaning at least 10 months at the minimum. And I am so not wanting to be alone and experiencing weekly rejection for another 10 months.
My friend was complaining at the party on Saturday that her boyfriend of 3 years is high maintenance because he wants to have sex twice a day.
WOW, big problem. I responded with, "It must be really difficult to have someone love and desire you. I don't know what being desired feels like."
She rolled her eyes and walked away.
So not only am I single, but I also have only 3 single friends. So most of my friends have absolutely no idea what I feel and it is driving a huge wedge in our relationship. I want to feel close to someone. But, I don't even want to get close to friends anymore, because once they fall in love, I am experiencing once again a break-up of sorts. They are no longer available to hang out with - to watch movies with and be lazy with and to eat breakfast with on a Sunday morning. They choose to do all of these things with their lover.
I get all of the happy psychological books. I get that I am creating this. But, I don't know how to stop this creation of being single. I feel like I am man's rejection. That it has become like this big joke to see how many times I can be rejected before I just surrender and die from loneliness.
17 women
I am tired and my back hurts from working so much. I am now wondering I did not just give in to the older man and let myself be taken care of.
I went to a Christmas Party last night with 17 women.... I was the only single one. This would probably account for my extreme drunkeness, a crazy grind in a hallway, and then puking up red wine and eggnog.
I went to yoga tonight, it was great. Jesse taught the class... it was a great class, but we are so not going to be friends. He is totally just not that into me... even just to be a friend.
Well, at least my business is going really well.
DRUNK
i AM DRUNK.
I just finished a fascinating grind session on the 27th floor of a hallway downtown.
It ended because he likes my friend, Geneva.
The last thing he said to me, just after he gave me $20 for my cab..... "It should not be awkward because nothing happened."
Hmmm. You called that nothing?!?!?!
Thanks.
True Sagittarius Style
It is Friday night; I am exhausted from work and grumpy. I want to be optimistic and positive and I keep telling myself that I earn $75,000 a year. But sales are low and I feel like all is over with the Older Man. As well as, Jesse and I have not been able to reach a friends state in our relationship.
For the first time in months I am really, really single - no dates, no crushes, no kissing around, no possibilities. I am single.
The Older Man and I had a fantastic dinner last week. For, maybe, the second time in our relationship, I was totally into him. I wanted to make out, and I even daydreamed the next day about being in a relationship and having sex with him.
We met July 22nd and we have been dating since late August. He went away to Europe for 2 weeks and then again to Hawaii for two weeks. I was not quite settle on him for most of the time we were together. Then last Sunday, I really felt as if I liked him. Then... in true Sagittarius style... he is totally over me.
Argh.
I really hate Sagittarius. And, I do have a rule about not dating them. I had a bad Sagittarius moment in South America a few years ago. I dated three in row - and the exact same scenario played out each of the three times.
Finally during the third time, I got it, he was a Sagittarius and that was that. I thanked the Universe for the experience and I made a promise never to date another Sagittarius.
Just after my first make-out session with the older man, I learned his Birthday was November 28th and thus a Sagittarius. I told him immediately that I hated Sagittarius. He laughed and thought I was joking. So I laughed too and pretended that I was joking.
I am tired and drunk off of champagne which my landlords gave me for Christmas. My back hurts and I need a massage. I cried tonight on my way from work because I was upset about being really single again. I got sushi, I read a trashy-famous-people magazine in my van, and then I cried in my van. Then I got over it, and became slightly numb.
I see so many seniors every day at this new location. It is so weird to see old people. They are totally trippy.
Today I gave an elderly woman my business card, then I offered another business card to the elderly man she was with. She said to me, "Don't worry, he is with me until the grand-kids are finished school and then we will see what happens." Then they just walked off.
I was in stunned silence, then I laughed, then I wished to be as cool as her when I was all withered and old.
Or, elderly people can be living in this weird world of fear. I was introduced "as the mall entertainment" to this elderly woman called Betty at the coffee shop today. When she learned that my business was called Unity, she said that she never came over because she thought it was associated with the church called Unity. Then she suggested that I change my name. I responded with, "Well, it would be like if I was called Paul and I was confused with St.Pauls." She told me that was not so, and that I should still change my name. I said, "hmmmm" with a yoga smile. Then I walked away with my skim latte, my clacking heals and firm thighs.
Christmas Retail Exhaustion
There is absolutely no time for me to date this week. I am working far too much. I am spending 10 hours a day in the store, then about 2-4 hours a day at the office tying up the loose ends. Business is great, romance is not happening.
I was suppose to see Jesse last night, tentatively, I did not have his number when I was out. I called at 8:30 after he finished teaching his last yoga class. He has not returned the call and it has been 26 hours. I am trying not to take it personally. I thought that we patched it all up, no hanging onto anger or resentment. But, the first time we make plans to hang out as friends, there is no response.
This experience gets categorized under why I choose not to be friends with my ex-lovers. They generally do not have the intent to follow up with the concept.
So do I call again.... stalker like. Do I send an email? Or, do I just totally ignore the situation and go back to - we are not friends, and this is awkward?
I need advice.
But, first I must sleep.
Memoirs of Summer Dating
These two guys are friends, and I have known them since High School. I was reconnected with them this past July via Lavalife. After sending smiles back and forth, with the one on the right, I realized that I already knew him. He remembered that we had a make-out session at Pre-Grad - 11 years ago.
We went out a few times this summer, a very nice guy. The deal breaker for me, was his awkwardness in a swimsuit swimming at Komasket. It was a strange and very unsexy sight - (check out his shoes and socks in the photo). He is phenomenal, very friendly and easy to be with. He just was not free enough in his being for my liking.
The night of the deal-breaker mishap, I developed a crush on the guy on the left. The three of us were chilling out in his mini-van and having an easy time. The boys were on mushrooms, I was exhausted from work. We listened to the live music playing at the stage nearby. It was a really fantastic moment. However and unfortunately, a moment I was too exhausted to enjoy fully.
The one on the left and I ran into each other a month later at DJ Cheb I Sabbah. We flirted, or so I thought. I called him the next day (BIG ERROR), it was weird, and I never heard back from him again.
After these two guys. I briefly retired from dating.... only long enough to read, "He is Just Not that Into You." After completion of that book, I was ready to start again.
Pan Crush
I am high off of the fish I ate last night. Life is much easier when you have energy! I went to sleep at 2am last night, at 3am my roomate woke me becuase our hot water tank leaked all over the hallway. We were up for 20 minutes handling the situation. I woke-up at 7:30am this morning to start my work day. My roomate saw me at 8am and she was amazed at how fabulous I looked.
I thought she was joking until I got to work and saw myself in the huge mirror under neon lights. All of my usual puffiness and bags were gone!!! GONE! Plus, I had an ambundant amount of energy today considering my total lack of sleep.
I am officially hooked on high quality raw sushi fish.
I get these weird crushes. And Pan was one of them. He is a MythMaker - stilt walker, a flute player and more very unusual items. I forgot about him, but I saw one of my photos of him tonight. He is cute and sexy. I just visited his group's website, and seeing photos of him brought up the little twinkle in my tummy which is my crush.
Pretty silly.
Come on the Boots
Tonight I went out with the Older Man. It was a great time. Basically, I get dressed up and look fabulous. He picks me up and takes me out for a fabulous time. We talk - I get free business mentoring. We eat a fabulous meal. Sometimes we make-out. Tonight we made out in his Audi. Then he walked me to the stairs between the dumpsters.
He is a great guy. I need to relax more with him. I could have sworn he was flirting with the waitress tonight - she was a very beautiful Japanese woman.
I ate fish for the first time in about 21 years tonight. I had smoked Coho, which was very good. Then Ahi Tuna with caviar, which I also enjoyed. Then cooked something which was far too fishy for me and I did not like it at all.
The Older Man, Brent, believes that I need to have more fat in my diet. He is not a big fan of my vegetarian, no wheat, no carbs, no sugar restrictions. He is passionate food, and I am definately the wrong person for someone who is passionate about food.
We have been dating casually since the end of August. Our first date was a yacht trip and he made me dinner. It was great. I was intrigued immediately, but he has not fully managed to seduce me yet. I always wonder why he keeps calling.
Something happened this evening. I was very horny when I got in. So I masturbated, and WOW! It was great! I sprayed.... all over my Nine West Boots.
What's Missing?
Sunsets and Joints
Seniors on marriage
I was working yesturday at a small mall where the majority of clients are senior. Do not estimate the power of a senior. Just becuase they are old, wrinkly and have difficult moving does not mean that they are numb and dumb.
I met one fabulous woman who was 87 years old.
She told me that if she had to do it all over again she would not have gotten married. She said that 53 years of marriage was too much.
She gave me the wise advice to enjoy being single because it is fabulous and free. She also said to never, ever marry a dull man. If you are going to be spending 50 plus years with someone make sure that they are spicy and dynamic.
She even pulled her fellow senior over to validate her point. "What do you think of marriage?" she asked. Her friend scrunched her already wrinkle nose, and nodded her head.
Hmmmmmmmm.
Backtrack to October 30th, 2005
I am having funny feelings these days.
The message over and over again is to accept myself.
Who am I?
I am jaded and cold these days. But, is that who I am?
Am I jaded and destroyed. Or, are these just the fear which is not real.
Sometimes I do powerful, and usually only when I am stoned.
I feel powerful tonight.
I can choose who I want to be.
I want to be tough and strong. I do not want to depend on a man to get something completed.
How do I attract a man – a successful man – and also be more powerful than him.
Powerful men like powerful women. Men do not want a woman who are groveling and weak. (Now I am tripping out and feel that the last statement is just my ego). Let me write from a place of love.
What are successful men attracted to?
What am I attracted to? What qualities do I want in a man, in my partner?
- I want him to be strong.
- I want him to be a free spirit.
- I want him to be able to relax and have a really great time all the time.
- I want him to be disciplined and to chase his dreams.
- I want him to be laid back and easy going.
- I want him to be healthy.
- I want him to be authentic and loving.
- I want him to spoil me with gifts and treats.
- I want him to look at me so deeply that I can feel him in me.
- I want him to have only eyes for me.
- I want him to be unique and amazing.
- I want him to be the best in what he does.
- I want him to love the outdoors and the city.
- I want him to desire me to be the mother of his children.
- I want him to love me even if I get fat.
- I want him to fly me away to exotic weekends.
- I want him to have style.
- I want him to take me shopping.
- I want him to pull stray hairs off of me.
- I want him to see me.
- I want him to understand him.
- I want him to be my absolute best friend.
- I want him to be bigger than me.
- I never want to cry over him.
- I want him to be filled with absolute love and respect and gratitude for me.
- I want an absolute soul mate.
- I want to feel as if I want to live forever and eternity just because I am so in love and so blown away by him.
It is time for me to meet him. It is now my 29th year and it is time. I thank the universe for the experience of being single, but I would now like a new experience. I want to experience love. I want to feel the abundance from love. I want to feel only love. I want to open myself up to all the love which exists. I no longer want to feel the solitude, disappointment and apathy from not feeling love.
Not just the love of a lover, but the love of the universe, of god, and of all that exists.
I want to feel love. I want it.
I just went for a drive in the rain to the new house on 24th avenue. It dawned on me that I have been totally selfish and self-absorbed for the past several months….. maybe, a year.
So, basically, because I am so self-absorbed, I am totally unaware of what is happening around me. I am totally unconscious. I am sucking people’s energy because I need so much attention. I suck – no pun intended. I am being so needy. That sucks, that is not the image I want to give off to people.
I don’t want to be fucking needy. I want to be strong and interdependent – more like the Angelina Jolie personality. She is like a lioness – totally in control. That is what I want to be – powerful.
I just have to believe that I am powerful. I have to feel the love to feel the power. I can totally do it. I can attract and draw people by my power. People are curious. They want to know, they want more information.
I want to live with conviction in my life. I want to be brave and I want to pursue my goals. I do not want to grovel. I do not want to be weak.
I want to be strong; I want to be a leader. I want to influence people. I want to draw crowds. I want people to know who I am.
Wow. I want to be great.
I want to attract abundance to me. I want to be abundant. I want to attract positive things.
I want to be a free spirit.
It is power to listen. One gains knowledge by listening.
Women talk a lot. We can babble and babble. The amount that we can talk continuously can give the power to the man. We are leaking information and they gain this information.
To help keep men interested it is important to not get paranoid, to not talk about stuff that is not happening.
Okay with the Doctor, I imagine us having a conversation about why he is just not that into me.
What I am now realizing is that it is best if I never have that conversation with Lawrence. Because then I am giving him information. I just remain silent and still about this whole matter. And, then he never knows what I thought about any of it.
So being quiet and listening is strength.
Wow, I need to do this.
Writing is powerful. Reading is powerful. Being with myself is powerful. I want to create this space for me. I want to rebuild and be strong and loving.
I am successful.
Man. Woman.
Man.
Woman.
Are our behaviour patterns pre-determined according to our sex?
Do women naturally become needy, emotional, and monogamous?
Do men naturally fear relationships and intimacy?
What if you have two people who have the characteristics of the opposite sex to start.... but, then when the relationship is deepened they slip into their pre-determined own sex habits.
Jesse definitely has feminine qualities. I definitely have masculine qualities.
I do get attached through sexual intimacy... I know that I do. I am very open about this habit in myself. Jesse knew this.
Jesse wants the sex, he wants to have sex with only one person at a time, he wants to hang out with me, but he does not want to be my "boyfriend". Ten months ago, I knew this. Recently, I was not fully aware of this until Wednesday Evening.
When a discontinuation of a relationship or a break occurs in my life, I need time to digest this. I generally choose not to be friends with the men. Jesse knew this.
Yet, we discontinued our relationship. Yet, he has expectations that I handle this break in his style which is very happy and go-lucky. Last night, he got frustrated with me because I was not ready to instantly be friends with him.
I feel that if he needs us to authentically be friends. Then he needs to help me with this. He needs to work with me on this. It might not be easy.
I feel that this relationship has been very controlled by him. He chooses not to have me be his girlfriend, and he chooses me to be his friend and to celebrate our one week love affair like a vacation.
Where is my input?
Jesse stated to me that I am not actually being rejected by all of these men, but that I am actually creating this rejection. My question to him, is that I, in fact, reject him?
Did Jesse feel anything when we had sex? Was it special for him?
This is where I shut down after break-ups. I feel like I open up with somebody, I share something about myself, and then I get rejected. So I have a fear that the piece of me I shared intimately was not good enough, it was judged and deemed not what they want.
How do I break this pattern?
I was not having sex with men, because I was waiting for the right man to come along. No one came. I felt no intimacy in my life, and I craved this shared moment. I got the shared moment, but, he didn't want more.
I feel like I just keep losing. I just want to meet a psychic and I want to know when this is going to end. This impendent life and search for a partner. When is it going to be my turn to fall in love with someone who wants to also fall in love with me?
What really upsets me about this situation with Jesse is that I am single again. For one week, there was a possibility that someone wanted to share a loving relationship with me.
Rules
Everything was amazing between the Yoga Teacher and myself. For a full 7 days I was totally blissed out because of the amazing sexual experiences we shared. It was truly beautiful and phenomenal. It was making love to the core.
Then "the Rules" were placed on the agenda by the Yoga Teacher last night. He felt it was important for us to place our rules on the table so that we would know what could upset the other person - ie. breaking their rules.
I went first.
My Rules:
1. Consistancy. I ask that he be consistant in his affection towards me. No yo-yo'ing. Such as, being totally into me one week, then pulling back and creating distance the next week. Simple emails to touch base if we do not see each other for a few days would be great.
- the Doctor was very inconsistant.
- the Older Man is very consistant. I am still dating the Older Man.
2. Sex only with each other for health reasons. I would prefer not to catch STD's and another woman's energy.
The Yoga Teacher Rules
1. Sex only with each other. This keeps the momentum of the energy alive and strong.
2. No "Boyfriend/Girlfriend" scenerios. He would like to hang out and do things with me including having sex, but he does not want to have the responsibility of being a boyfriend.
So basically he wants to have sex without the emotion and feelings which make it a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Yet, no having sex with other people is allowed. This is a category of "He just not that into me".
So now that these rules have been put into place, I have no right to feel hurt or upset about our relationship not working out. These were the rules. His rules were let's have sex, no falling in love.
Patterns and Projections
I saw the Yoga Teacher this evening... I could have avoided the whole event, as it was a Holiday Party which was not 100% necessary for me to attend. But, I thought that if I backed out it would be bad form... it would show I was hurt and angry.
I have not had the most flowing friendship with the Yoga Teacher in public as we were not friends for months. I gave it my best. We shared conversations with others, we laughed over kamut and raw food salad. I ducked out to leave... he caught me at the door, which I sort of did want to occur, yet, I was not entirely satisfied with our interaction at this point either.
He wants everything to be great between us. He wants it to be as if we took a vacation together and had a great vacation, and we came back from the vacation. Now we have shared the wonderful, pleasant experience of the vacation.
My pattern does not leave very much space for the smiling buddy, buddy friends who just got back from vacation. My pattern has me analyzing what went wrong. Why did I get rejected?
The Yoga Teacher believes that I make my own rejections, that in fact I am not getting rejected, that I am doing the rejecting.
The Yoga Teacher told me last night that I need to not be so cautious and to just jump into love with someone. This I consider a hypocritical statement coming from him. As I had actually allowed myself - for 7 days - to believe that there was a possibility that I could fall in love with him. He, however, had other plans.
His pattern with me is to get close, share something special, have an amazing connection, and then pull out. When he pulls out, he cites the reason of needing and wanting to focus on his music and band for the next 5 years.
I get the focus on one's passion thing. I am also focused on my passions. I was not trying to deter one from their passions. Yet, I feel that he makes the projections on me that this is what I am doing..... My devious plan is to fall in love and steal him from his focus.
I feel that we had strong potential to be in love... it was really incredible when we were together. But, he made a choice - two times - to not fall in love with me.
This is where I get hurt. This is where I start getting emotional. Why do he and every other man I have dated not want to fall in love with me? What is so terrible about me, that it causes me to be unlovable?
Last night, after our fucking session, the Yoga Teacher suggested that I become a Lesbian or date men in their early 40's.
Let me understand this... I should be become a carpet muncher because my desire to be in a loving, supported and trusting with relationship with a man is unrealistic?
I should date men in their early 40's because they are the only ones who are truly ready to settle down for a life-long partnership - or, half-life partnership. The Yoga Teacher stated that all men in their twenties and thirties are not ready for relationships because they have not accomplished what they need to accomplish in order to feel like a whole man.
He also said that I go for men who do not want to be in relationships. Which just boggles my mind, because I did not chase him, nor did I chase the Doctor, nor did I chase the Financial Advisor, nor did I chase the Chef.... these men pursued me. Then they get my attention, I start to become interested.... then boom... they pull out.
One thing that the Yoga Teacher did nail me for was my pattern of choosing to be angry with men after the relationship is over. I do get angry. I do get hurt. I feel the desire to pull away from them.
Men seem to not want to be in a relationship with me, but they say they do want to be friends with me. My experience has been that being a friend does not necessarily work after one has fucked, or dated, or had a love affair with. That it can feel forced and awkward. I feel that when someone says that they want to be friends, which they are trying to appease the situation in that moment. Perhaps, they are not authentically wanting to be friends, they just want to feel good right now by saying they do want to be friends. I have given the "friend" thing a chance in the past, and what I have learned is, that being a friend after a break-up is being a low-priority friend.
Making Love to CSP in one week
For one week I had a fabulous love affair. However, this fabulous love affair ended last night.
The Yoga Teacher felt it was important for us to discuss our "rules".
The rules are the things which we need in our relationship. If we know each others rules, then we know enough not to break them. And, if the rules are broken then we are empowered enough to take responsibility for the situation instead of becoming the victim or the aggressor.
I set out to have sex with him. I had sex with him over one week on three different evenings. The first two times it was so magical, it was everything I was missing in my sex life. It was the first time in years where it was not just a pounding physical act.... it actually felt like there was love between us, as if something was transforming our relationship. I felt for the possibility for more.
Last night I learned that I need to have this possibility in order to have a wonderful and beautiful sexual relationship with someone. When this possibility is removed sex becomes a physical act... two people masturbating together in order to blow their loads. It is wholly unromantic and unsatisfying. It feels empty and disconnected. Masturbating on my own is more enjoyable.
The Yoga Teacher and I communicated our rules. We have discussed endlessly before we ever had sex what we each need and want from a relationship in our lives. I believe that we understood each other. But, because we were having sex, it was felt to be important for us to re-iterate what we need.
What we need is sex without the "boyfriend-girlfriend" labels and needs. He wants to focus on his band - which I already knew. I want to focus on my business - which he already knew. I have been single for 6 years, so I do not understand what a relationship really consists of. A year ago he finished a two year relationship, so he is at the point where he does not want a relationship except the sex. I am at a point where I want the beautiful sex, someone to share with, but I also want my space. I am not ready to jump into anything serious. Neither is he.
He said last night that when you meet someone and you fall in love, it just happens, and there is nothing that can stop you. For one week, I believed that it was possible for me to be in love with him, because I believed it was possible for him to love me. This is why our sexual relationship was so beautiful because it was full of possibilities.
We communicated clearly, so I have no right to get nasty or hurt. But, this feeling between us was dashed when he communicated that he was not going to fall in love with me. The possibility is gone, then the act of making love no longer exists and we are now CSP's (casual sex partners). What made our intimacy so incredible before, no longer exists - last night we fucked.
Our other two times before he did not ejaculate because he believes that the act of ejaculation is isolating, that it exhausts the man, and creates a sense of separation. He ejaculated last night and I came a lot. Last night we were both racing for orgasm, for the end to happen. The other two evenings, there was no race; it was long, languishing and very intimate.
He said that I made it like this - not in a blaming way. But, that I cut myself off. He may be right; it is hard for me to feel the feelings of love when there is no space for love. He also said that I choose to be with men who do not want relationships with me - which I need to take responsibility for this. That I myself am not ready for a relationship and that I need to be ready.
These comments upset me more than anything else because he is not the first to say this. I don't know what more to do. I really want to be in a relationship, I really want it. I have been single for 6 years, I am approaching 30 and I want to be in a relationship. Yet, I meet and date these men who are either not ready or wanting a relationship, or if they do want a relationship, they want it with their ex. Essentially, I date men who just want to fuck me.
I know that I am not allowed to be upset because I chose to have this experience. And, I am not upset about the Yoga Teacher just wanting sex. I am upset that I am still single.
the Older Man is back
So I have sex. I go into dreamland of this is "the ONE", this is the man I have been waiting my whole life for, this is the love of my life. I am like this for a solid 36 hours after having sex.... then the fear steps in.
The fear of my obssessiveness which has the ability to turn anyone into a soulmate. The fear of my lust which makes me lose sight of who The Yoga Teacher really is. My fear of choosing incorrectly. My fear of rejection. My fear of being wrong about this man.
I went to a early Christmas party tonight at my friends' house. On the way there I was kidnapped and taken on a dinner date by the Older Man. He was in Hawaii for 2 weeks and before that he was in Europe for 2 weeks .... so in 6 weeks we have seen each other 3 times. Although he called me 3 times from Hawaii last weekend, I was a little taken aback.
Tonight we went to a mediocre restaruant just for drinks. But, we were both hungry so we ordered food. I was determined not to drink. But, my will power was weak and the wine weakened it more. I decided as were taking the first bites of food that this was the night to call it off with him. But, just as the wine was kicking in, he started talking about travelling together in January to South America, or somewhere hot.
It was bribary, and I was weak.... so I did not call it off. Then I was at the party with my friends and I thought maybe I am jumping in too quickly the Yoga Teacher.
Time
Sex Finally
After the dumping by the doctor I became pro-active by locking myself in my room for 3 days and watching the first 2 seasons of "Sex in the City" in chronological order. Now, by some standards this may appear to be a depressive act... however, due to the fact that no tears were shed or complaining shared, I do view this experience as a study of sex and dating.
Last Tuesday I left my bedroom with the resolution to have sex with the Yoga Teacher whom I would be having my first "official" date with the next evening. I had learned that sex is enjoyable and not a huge sin or terrible experience. I had learned that with the right attitude that sex can be fantastic, and if a relationship ends it does not mean that someone was used for sex. I felt renewed.
I shared my plans with 2 friends, a Dress Designer and a Naturalpathic Doctor. Both stated that I needed to share my plan with the Yoga Teacher. It was true, I did not want to appear to be using him for sex and thus possibly jeopordize a sexual relationship.
So a funny thing happened. The Yoga Teacher and I had an amazing time together. He helped me flyer for an event I was helping promote. As were flyering I ran into my ex-love-of-my-life's friends outside a pub, and the ex-love-of-my-life was in the pub - we have not seen each other in 5 years. I was totally stunned, that I actually dropped my flyers twice. I blamed it on the cold and numb fingers. I did not enter the pub becuase I was having an amazing time with the Yoga Teacher, and it was also an awkward situation.
Later that night, after a couple of vodka and tonics we were at his house. We were still talking, and my leg was touching his, then his hands were touching my legs, then we were kissing.
At first it felt very weird to me. In the sense that I was very aware of what was physically happening - a tongue sweeping my tongue - and I was not caught up in the emotions. But, it switched. Something happened.
We have both discussed sex several times in the past. So we were aware of where each other stood. Which was essentially the same place, we both get emotional during sex, so we want to feel with some confidence that the person we are sleeping with, is a person whom we want to spend time with and vice-versa.
We had sex that night, continuously until 5am. It was phenomenal. It was so powerful and fascinating. I have not had such an incredible sexual experience since University, since with the ex-love-of-my-life. As soon as the Yoga Teacher entered me...something changed... instantly. Our relationship deepened.
Being with the Yoga Teacher has been one of the most beautiful, special sexual experiences of my life.
Sexless for too long
It has been a long time since I have had sex. There are many reasons why, but essentially it is for the same reason - fear. I am afraid of intimacy.
This probably seems very obvious to people who know me. Yet, this realization has avoided me for years. I am afraid of sex. When I was younger I was not afraid of sex - in fact, I was much sex obsessed. Yet, experiences happened. These experiences changed my perception of sex, until eventually I became afraid.
I have been waiting for my Prince in Shining Armour to save me. Usually women want this prince to rescue them from being alone.... or, something of the sort. I want mine to rescue me from my fear of sex.
However, this is not realistic. Someone else cannot take my fear away for me. I have to learn to do this on my own. I have tried to delegate this job to others, and all that happened is that they could not live up to my expectations or needs. I eventually got left behind by them.
I wanted reassurance from a man before I kissed him that he really, really liked me. I would not kiss him until I had some sort of sign that he was really into me. That he wanted to be with me, that he, in his mind, had created some sort of possibility of wanting to be with me.... forever.
This is heavy pressure to apply to someone. No wonder I keep getting dumped - no one is good enough for me. This is also another way for me to validate my fear of intimacy.
I have not had a long lasting intimate relationship in so long. I do have fear about it becuase I completely have no idea what to do or how to behave in intimate situations. I am very busy analyzing every move, and taking absolutely everything personally. If, when we are sleeping, he happens to turn his back to me, then this means that he is totally not into me, and I have done something which bothers him. Nevermind the fact that he is sleeping.
However, even though this sounds absurd, the Doctor turned his back on me the last night we shared a bed together, and our relationship was over for him. So, there is a truth in this.
I believe in my work life, that a certain amount of ignorance needs to be in existance for me to take risks. However, in my personal life I try to know everything before I make any decisions. I want to know that I am walking the correct path ... the path where everything is great and I live happily every after.
I want reassurance before I kiss someone.... instead of just kissing them.
I have turned sex into something that only men enjoy. Of course, we can all guess what happened which suddenly made this my reality.
It is sad. Sexual assualt. I was at a bachlorette party in the summer. There was 6 of us women sitting in the hot tub at 6am after a long night of partying. It was the time of the evening when people spill secrets. We have all known each other since high school or university. What we did not know is that all of us except for one have been sexually assualted.
It was a shocking discovery. Each of us who had been sexually assualted were impacted differently. But, we were all impacted, and not one of us walked away from the assualt a sexually free woman. In our own way, we all became prisoners of sex. Fortunately, for all the rest they have long-term boyfriends who have been patient with them and helped them become comfortable and trusting with their sexual expression. Me, not to be the victim, have not had someone to help me through this. I have waited to meet someone who could help me, instead, I developed an intense fear of intimacy and the feeling that no one wanted to sleep with me.
I have a date tonight with the Yoga Teacher. We had a brief but exciting flirtation last year during the holidays. Then one day he freaked out, and we never spoke again - we had not even gone on a date yet. I actually forgot he existed, but I also took the proper precautions to ensure that I would not see him coincidentally - I stopped going to the yoga studio he taught at, and I went to India for a few months ( for unrelated reasons).
We ran into each other at another yoga studio opening in mid-October. I was totally taken aback that he was there... becuase I had totally forgotten that he existed. It was very awkward between us. We did not speak, nor did we make eye contact. This was a little bit difficult as it was not a busy event, nor was it a large space. When he left, he walked by and squeezed my arm... I was talking with the Doctor at that moment. I took the squeezing as a peace sign.
Through evites and emails we reconnected via the internet. Then mid-November I was working at a Breast Cancer Fundraiser and he was volunteering for the clean-up shift. I finished work, then I joined him and we talked as we picked up dirty napkins and crumpled flyers from the tables. We connected again, 10 months after we stopped talking. After cleaning up, he invited me for tea. We stayed up talking until 1 in the morning. It was great.
The Yoga Teacher shocked me that night. He apologized for dropping me. I was so surprised that I don't even think I said anything. I just stared. He admitted that 10 months before he did indeed have a big crush on me, and this crush was an ongoing thing. Then, he just freaked out. He had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship and he did not want to get involved in another one. So that was it. No explanation. Just nothing.
At the time, I was hurt. I felt a connection between us. We had a weird conversation on New Years Eve. I left to go to a party downtown. I 411'd his number and I called him to apologize for the total weirdness of our conversation and to wish him a Happy New Year. The next time I saw him he asked me where I got his number, and gave me the cold shoulder. I felt like a stalker yoga student obsessing over the teacher.
This experience fed my belief that a woman should never call a man. That there is a mating game, and women are to be chased. I also developed a huge distrust of my intuition.
