Love Stuck

Christmas Tree

I got my first Christmas tree today as an adult living on my own. This is a monumental moment in my 29 years of age.

The tree was free. A few highschool students were walking through the mall today with two trees to give away. They were singing a Christmas carol with the words "free tree". I took one of the trees. It was so easy.

Last night I saw my first Christmas Tree Lot, I thought to myself, "It would be nice to have a Christmas Tree". Then, my thought manifested itself 16 hours later. The students even carried it to my van for me. I did absolutely nothing... except buy a tree strand and some ornaments - all of which were marked down 40%.


A few thoughts on my mind of this occurance.

First, this does show the power of manifestation. So it is true I do have to be really careful about the thoughts I think in my head, as they do come true. So no evil, or negative little creatures are allowed to dart through my mind. Only happy, positive thoughts of love, a successful business, safe travels, and myself earning $100,000 a year.

Second thought on this occurance. This is another first time occurance in my life which I thought I would be sharing with a partner. Instead, it is something I do on my own. I should be happy. I am happy. But, I find something sort of sad and lonely in the whole affair.

My fear, is that I am going to be the old lady who lives with a ton of cats, never gets married, becomes hunchback and smokes myself to death.

I do want to be and I have been happy on my own. I have had amazing times with myself. But, now I am ready and wanting to share my experiences with someone. I want someone to know me and to appreciate me. I want to know someone else and appreciate them. I feel so isolated, I really have no idea what it feels like to be close and to share with someone.

There are times when I feel so close. I really, really liked Jesse. But, he did not like me back. I want to talk to him about what happened. However, he will not give me time. So I feel even more alone. I want to learn and I want to get it. I am so tired of not understanding. I am so tired of not knowing why someone does not want to be with me.

I would like to hope with Jesse that he could talk with me about what happened. Did I push him away? Before we got together, he said that I created my rejections. I want to know how I created this rejection with him. But, I am afraid of him, becuase I already feel so far from him, and I feel like he wants nothing to do with me.

Then there is the Doctor, I also really liked him. But, he just was not that into me. He prefers his ex-girlfriend who now has a child with someone else.

For one evening I wanted to make-out with the Stockbroker, but he prefers Geneva.

There was Brent.... I don't know... it just flattened out and ended.

There have been so many men, and I am still so alone. When I turned 28 years old, I felt so confident that during my 28th year I was going to meet someone. That finally love was going to happen to me. All I wanted for my 29th Birthday was a lovely romantic dinner with someone, a weekend get away. But, no such luck. Brent nor the Doctor even wished me a Happy Birthday. I did, however, recieve a business coaching lecture from Randolf, another guy I was dating at the time. It was the last convseration that Randolf and I had.

Now it is Christmas and New Years. All my friends are balancing Christmas between their families and their boyfriends/fiances/husbands' families. I get to spend Christmas with my family - like I did when I was 14 years old.

I have no plans for New Years. I have been sending group emails to my girlfriends about this special night with no response. One girlfriend told me that she was going to be up at her ski cabin for a quiet night of dinner with her husband and a few other couples. There was no mention of an invite to me. None of my other friends have responded. So.... I have no plans.

I am tired of having to be happy all the time. I am actually feeling some deep and intense pain from all of this weekly rejection which I am subjected to being a single woman nearing 30 living in the city.

Yet, it is like I have no reason to feel bad. It is not like I am going through a break-up of a boyfriend. I am just single.

And, I am so tired and I am so hurt by being single. I want a magic potion to take this all away. All I ever hear from the psychics is that I will meet someone once my business is successful.

Yet, the success of my business feels far away - meaning at least 10 months at the minimum. And I am so not wanting to be alone and experiencing weekly rejection for another 10 months.

My friend was complaining at the party on Saturday that her boyfriend of 3 years is high maintenance because he wants to have sex twice a day.

WOW, big problem. I responded with, "It must be really difficult to have someone love and desire you. I don't know what being desired feels like."

She rolled her eyes and walked away.

So not only am I single, but I also have only 3 single friends. So most of my friends have absolutely no idea what I feel and it is driving a huge wedge in our relationship. I want to feel close to someone. But, I don't even want to get close to friends anymore, because once they fall in love, I am experiencing once again a break-up of sorts. They are no longer available to hang out with - to watch movies with and be lazy with and to eat breakfast with on a Sunday morning. They choose to do all of these things with their lover.


I get all of the happy psychological books. I get that I am creating this. But, I don't know how to stop this creation of being single. I feel like I am man's rejection. That it has become like this big joke to see how many times I can be rejected before I just surrender and die from loneliness.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 4:27 PM