Love Stuck

Making Love to CSP in one week

For one week I had a fabulous love affair. However, this fabulous love affair ended last night.

The Yoga Teacher felt it was important for us to discuss our "rules".

The rules are the things which we need in our relationship. If we know each others rules, then we know enough not to break them. And, if the rules are broken then we are empowered enough to take responsibility for the situation instead of becoming the victim or the aggressor.

I set out to have sex with him. I had sex with him over one week on three different evenings. The first two times it was so magical, it was everything I was missing in my sex life. It was the first time in years where it was not just a pounding physical act.... it actually felt like there was love between us, as if something was transforming our relationship. I felt for the possibility for more.

Last night I learned that I need to have this possibility in order to have a wonderful and beautiful sexual relationship with someone. When this possibility is removed sex becomes a physical act... two people masturbating together in order to blow their loads. It is wholly unromantic and unsatisfying. It feels empty and disconnected. Masturbating on my own is more enjoyable.

The Yoga Teacher and I communicated our rules. We have discussed endlessly before we ever had sex what we each need and want from a relationship in our lives. I believe that we understood each other. But, because we were having sex, it was felt to be important for us to re-iterate what we need.

What we need is sex without the "boyfriend-girlfriend" labels and needs. He wants to focus on his band - which I already knew. I want to focus on my business - which he already knew. I have been single for 6 years, so I do not understand what a relationship really consists of. A year ago he finished a two year relationship, so he is at the point where he does not want a relationship except the sex. I am at a point where I want the beautiful sex, someone to share with, but I also want my space. I am not ready to jump into anything serious. Neither is he.

He said last night that when you meet someone and you fall in love, it just happens, and there is nothing that can stop you. For one week, I believed that it was possible for me to be in love with him, because I believed it was possible for him to love me. This is why our sexual relationship was so beautiful because it was full of possibilities.

We communicated clearly, so I have no right to get nasty or hurt. But, this feeling between us was dashed when he communicated that he was not going to fall in love with me. The possibility is gone, then the act of making love no longer exists and we are now CSP's (casual sex partners). What made our intimacy so incredible before, no longer exists - last night we fucked.
Our other two times before he did not ejaculate because he believes that the act of ejaculation is isolating, that it exhausts the man, and creates a sense of separation. He ejaculated last night and I came a lot. Last night we were both racing for orgasm, for the end to happen. The other two evenings, there was no race; it was long, languishing and very intimate.

He said that I made it like this - not in a blaming way. But, that I cut myself off. He may be right; it is hard for me to feel the feelings of love when there is no space for love. He also said that I choose to be with men who do not want relationships with me - which I need to take responsibility for this. That I myself am not ready for a relationship and that I need to be ready.

These comments upset me more than anything else because he is not the first to say this. I don't know what more to do. I really want to be in a relationship, I really want it. I have been single for 6 years, I am approaching 30 and I want to be in a relationship. Yet, I meet and date these men who are either not ready or wanting a relationship, or if they do want a relationship, they want it with their ex. Essentially, I date men who just want to fuck me.

I know that I am not allowed to be upset because I chose to have this experience. And, I am not upset about the Yoga Teacher just wanting sex. I am upset that I am still single.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 5:19 AM