Love Stuck

Sexless for too long

It has been a long time since I have had sex. There are many reasons why, but essentially it is for the same reason - fear. I am afraid of intimacy.

This probably seems very obvious to people who know me. Yet, this realization has avoided me for years. I am afraid of sex. When I was younger I was not afraid of sex - in fact, I was much sex obsessed. Yet, experiences happened. These experiences changed my perception of sex, until eventually I became afraid.

I have been waiting for my Prince in Shining Armour to save me. Usually women want this prince to rescue them from being alone.... or, something of the sort. I want mine to rescue me from my fear of sex.

However, this is not realistic. Someone else cannot take my fear away for me. I have to learn to do this on my own. I have tried to delegate this job to others, and all that happened is that they could not live up to my expectations or needs. I eventually got left behind by them.

I wanted reassurance from a man before I kissed him that he really, really liked me. I would not kiss him until I had some sort of sign that he was really into me. That he wanted to be with me, that he, in his mind, had created some sort of possibility of wanting to be with me.... forever.

This is heavy pressure to apply to someone. No wonder I keep getting dumped - no one is good enough for me. This is also another way for me to validate my fear of intimacy.

I have not had a long lasting intimate relationship in so long. I do have fear about it becuase I completely have no idea what to do or how to behave in intimate situations. I am very busy analyzing every move, and taking absolutely everything personally. If, when we are sleeping, he happens to turn his back to me, then this means that he is totally not into me, and I have done something which bothers him. Nevermind the fact that he is sleeping.

However, even though this sounds absurd, the Doctor turned his back on me the last night we shared a bed together, and our relationship was over for him. So, there is a truth in this.

I believe in my work life, that a certain amount of ignorance needs to be in existance for me to take risks. However, in my personal life I try to know everything before I make any decisions. I want to know that I am walking the correct path ... the path where everything is great and I live happily every after.

I want reassurance before I kiss someone.... instead of just kissing them.

I have turned sex into something that only men enjoy. Of course, we can all guess what happened which suddenly made this my reality.

It is sad. Sexual assualt. I was at a bachlorette party in the summer. There was 6 of us women sitting in the hot tub at 6am after a long night of partying. It was the time of the evening when people spill secrets. We have all known each other since high school or university. What we did not know is that all of us except for one have been sexually assualted.

It was a shocking discovery. Each of us who had been sexually assualted were impacted differently. But, we were all impacted, and not one of us walked away from the assualt a sexually free woman. In our own way, we all became prisoners of sex. Fortunately, for all the rest they have long-term boyfriends who have been patient with them and helped them become comfortable and trusting with their sexual expression. Me, not to be the victim, have not had someone to help me through this. I have waited to meet someone who could help me, instead, I developed an intense fear of intimacy and the feeling that no one wanted to sleep with me.

I have a date tonight with the Yoga Teacher. We had a brief but exciting flirtation last year during the holidays. Then one day he freaked out, and we never spoke again - we had not even gone on a date yet. I actually forgot he existed, but I also took the proper precautions to ensure that I would not see him coincidentally - I stopped going to the yoga studio he taught at, and I went to India for a few months ( for unrelated reasons).

We ran into each other at another yoga studio opening in mid-October. I was totally taken aback that he was there... becuase I had totally forgotten that he existed. It was very awkward between us. We did not speak, nor did we make eye contact. This was a little bit difficult as it was not a busy event, nor was it a large space. When he left, he walked by and squeezed my arm... I was talking with the Doctor at that moment. I took the squeezing as a peace sign.

Through evites and emails we reconnected via the internet. Then mid-November I was working at a Breast Cancer Fundraiser and he was volunteering for the clean-up shift. I finished work, then I joined him and we talked as we picked up dirty napkins and crumpled flyers from the tables. We connected again, 10 months after we stopped talking. After cleaning up, he invited me for tea. We stayed up talking until 1 in the morning. It was great.

The Yoga Teacher shocked me that night. He apologized for dropping me. I was so surprised that I don't even think I said anything. I just stared. He admitted that 10 months before he did indeed have a big crush on me, and this crush was an ongoing thing. Then, he just freaked out. He had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship and he did not want to get involved in another one. So that was it. No explanation. Just nothing.

At the time, I was hurt. I felt a connection between us. We had a weird conversation on New Years Eve. I left to go to a party downtown. I 411'd his number and I called him to apologize for the total weirdness of our conversation and to wish him a Happy New Year. The next time I saw him he asked me where I got his number, and gave me the cold shoulder. I felt like a stalker yoga student obsessing over the teacher.

This experience fed my belief that a woman should never call a man. That there is a mating game, and women are to be chased. I also developed a huge distrust of my intuition.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 6:50 AM