Love Stuck

Re-evaluting my perception of Dating.

Here I sit. The perpetually single woman.

For the past several months I have been lamenting my dating life and just seeing it as a terrible experience. However, now it is time for me to change my perspective and just start viewing my dating life as something nothing more than what it is.

I am 29 years old. I have never lived with a man. My longest relationship was 1.5 years during University. I have not been in love for 6 years. I have had mini-passionate love affairs but nothing has evolved past brief fantasies.

Now I have an irrational fear of relationships and everything about them. I have no idea what it feels like to be loved by a man. So I do not understand what my friends in relationships are experiencing and I feel like there is an ocean seperating us.

I just received a 40 second phone call from one of the man I am dating. Tonight is his Birthday. He is in Hawaii. He consistantly calls me - more than anyone esle. Yet, I feel no connection between us. Yet, he still takes me out on fabulous dinners and dates. I figure what he likes in me is the way I look listening to him.

I have so many questions on why I am single. But, this is a terrible question to ask oneself. Why, why, why?




I reckon during 5 months of summer of 2005 I went on 20 first dates with 2o different men. Nothing prospered. A couple continued. One is the man who just called me from Hawaii. The other is a doctor who just dumped me a week ago for his ex-girlfriend.

But, his leaving the picture just created space for another to enter. This time it is a yoga teacher who I had an intense flirtation with last Christmas Holidays for 2 weeks. But, this ended abruptly just after New Years. I felt stupid and erased him from my memory.

One thing I have a gift for is erasing people and experiences from my memory - or, suppression for things which depress me.

I have had many bad experiences this past months with dating. But, when I am the only single girl in my group of girls, discussion no longer is about men and the excitement and disappointment of dating. Now, I am alone in this being single experience with no one to really talk to about it. Hence the blog.

This is my way to share, to laugh and to cry about this experience of being single at 29. Which I never thought would happen to me.

This is my biggest shock in life right now. I am single at 29 and I do not feel any closer to being in a realtionship... which is the thing I want most in my life right now. I want to be the one who is too busy having sex to see my friends.

So I have a plan. I am going to sleep with the Yoga Teacher with no expectations that he actually likes me or that any sort of relationship beyond sex will develop.

Tonight I am going to an art event at a club. My goal is to flirt viciously and flirt some more.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 2:54 PM