Give up.
We just had our first long weekend of summer. It was good. I walked into the weekend really wanting to see Brent and to go away with him. It happened. On Saturday night we went out on his Hurricane Zodiac to Bowen for drinks at the pub and then dinner at a restaurant. It was fun and delicous. Then we returned to Van on calm waters in the dark. We spent the night on his boat. We had sex in the evening upstairs on the coach and in the morning. I did not feel cuddled enough in the morning.
I sat outside enjoying the view waiting for him to tie up his loose ends and to plan his trip to London and Romania in the morning. I felt nothing for him. It was over for me. There is no affection or diving deep into each other. I want more than this. You can only hide behind your toys for so long.
I spent the day around town totally satisfied with my decision to let him go. Then at 7:00pm he calls... to check in or say good-by... I don't know. But it is annoying. It was right before his plane left. I take this gesture that he is interested in me. Or, is it that being a bachelor at 50 he just knows how to respect a woman and this is habit more than anything else.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Fear
I am frozen. I am too afraid to make a move with Brent. I am afraid to call him or text him. I am afraid to tell him that I like him. All of my experiences in the past few years have shown me not to tell or show men that I care about them. It feels that as soon as I feel something or express something then they are gone. Now I am totally petrified and unconvinced that a man would want to be in a relationship with me.
So here is Brent.... we met in July last year; we have been dating since August; we had sex in May for first time. And I am afraid to tell him that I like him.
Wow.
I need someone .... a man.... to give me advice.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Not Insane for being Crazy
Sunny days.
I am taking a seminar this weekend on sex and intimacy. I am thinking that it may actually help me out in this area of my life.
Still no phone call from Brent since I last saw him.... which was naked in my bed.
I have this fear post-sex of getting totally dumped and I go crazy. It is a pattern so I am not insane for being crazy... it is all based in reason. But, what is it about me and having sex that just begs to be tossed.
Then in two weekends I am doing Landmark Advanced. That is when I will discover the story of this and make it distinct from what happened. I want to get out of the fucking story and move forward.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Tanning Salon Date
So after my crying fits on Friday and Saturday I managed to make it out to my roomate's school's talent show on Saturday night.
It was in this great space. The skinny, pale Vegetarian guy was working the door. He is incredibly passionate about being a vegetarian... he even designs vegetarian video games.
I was meeting a couple of friends... I did not see them when I initially walked in so I introduced myself to the only other person not talking to anyone.... James - although I introduced him as David all night. Oops.
We spoke more later. He was there scouting out talent.... something about doctors creating interesting music. He wanted to go for a smoke - I do not smoke - but he really wanted me to join him so I did.
We sat in his Mercedes for 40 minutes talking. He is interesting. The converstation was good and deep. Once inside again he kept asking me to stay or go for food. I wanted to go home to sleep so declined. Finally he asked for my telephone number.
He then said to me that he was in like with me. I barely acknowledge that. He called me on my non-reaction. And I totally got in that moment how jaded and cynical I am about men. I totally did not believe anything he said to me about how much he liked me.
He walked me to the car. I took ownership that I did not believe the feelings he was expressing. I said that it was probably was becuase I am resigned and cynical. He said again that he liked me. He hugged me, said that we were a good fit. I told him I was flattered but consistancy says more to me.
He called left a message about how successful men are consistant. He also stated that he missed me.
He called me the next morning to ask me for brunch. I declined becuase I had already eaten. Then he asked me if I wanted to go tanning. I asked "to the beach?" He said "No, a tanning salon. I know a really good one."
Um.
I declined. Brent looked really good again. Funny how all of these men always make Brent look better.
James also said that he was going to call me last night and he did not.
So another weirdo.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
incredibly sad
Dating has become techerous and I feel like I am drowning. The whole episode a couple of weeks ago with ex-girlfriends being "devastated" thus leaving me as a home wrecker has left me cold, isolcated and hurt.
I feel at the end of my energy with meeting people. It is hard to constantly being putting myself out there and thinking and believing that this could be the one. I feel like I am turning into some bad nightmare.
I have become totally pretrified of being intimate becuase I feel that I become intimate with someone and then boom relationship ends.
If I can make it to a 5th date this would be a monumental moment for celebration.
The only person who is a constant in my life is the older man. We have been dating casually since August. We had sex for the first time on Tuesday - it was great. Except at 8:30am my mom came by my house to drop something off. He had to make a bolt out the back door except he forgot his jacket with car keys in the kitchen. He texted me and went for a coffee; returning a half hour later to get the car keys.
The whole situation was pretty funny. But, I was also pissed off at my mom.... I did not say anything.... but come on, how am I suppose to have a healthy love life at 29 if she shows up at 8:30 in the morning?!?!?!?!?!?!?
So Wednesday, the first day after we had sex I was feeling really great and happy. He texted me in the afternoon. It was nice.
Thursday, Friday no phone call. I texted him in the early evening. He is in Maple Bay on the Island Late Night. Saturday no call.
So I have been upset since last night. I know that this is our relationship.... going out a couple of times a month. It use to be that we went on great dates - out boating, to the ski cabin. Now, we hang out in the city eating at the same sushi restuarant. I want more. I want him to take me out of town and do great things together.
I don't want to feel like his town fuck.
But, this is what happens. I sleep with someone, I get totally confused, and I start to feel used and under appreciated.
It all started a few years ago. None of my relationships lasted very long. And, I started to feel really vulnerable about intimacy... as if as soon as I became intimate .... they became disinterested.
All I really want in life is to meet my life partner. And, I feel so far away from this and I feel so sad becuase I feel so far away.
I want to have kids. I am a woman therefore I have biological clock.
And I feel so scared that I will never fall in love with someone who falls in love with me.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Recreation of Highschool
The house is not finished its renovations.... it almost was then a couple of days ago we had a flood. Now the floors in the basement suite have to be ripped out and relaid. Argh.
I had a love affair two weekends ago with...... let's call him.... David. I first met David a couple of years ago. There was never any sparks but we always had nice conversations. He also always had a girlfriend called Jamie.
Jamie and David broke up a couple of months ago. I went to Whistler got surprisingly drunk and danced to hip hop and I entered a frozen t-shirt contest - which is not as kinky as it sounds. A beautiful Norwegian friend planted the ideas in both our heads that we would be great together. She whispered to me while I was dancing dirty with Lorenzo that David is a great guy and I should direct me attention towards him.
Seed planted.
After the bar a group of us went to David's apartment. I thought I was going to get together with Lorenzo as we had this great time dancing. It was sensual and sexy and total in tuned with each other. But, he got up to go to the bathroom and David sat down in his place.
What transpired next could have been anybody's wet dream.
The futon couch in the living room was laid out like a bed. There was three women laid out on it including myself. April and hottie started kissing. Leigh in between April and I started calling out that she needed to kiss someone. I almost leaned over to do it myself when Kerfoot stepped in took that deed on. Then there was me. David asked if I was ready, I said yes.
Then was happened was passionate kissing with full body expression. A friend watching but not participating in the 6 person make-out session described it as yoga.
David and I ended up in his king size bed alone. It was nice.
I won't go in to the rest of the weekend. It was great and it had its moments.
By Tuesday we were back in the city. I really liked David - which always seems to be a mistake to like someone. We were at Lisa Shaw and we went back to my house under renovations.
It was not fun nor enjoyable what happened next. So best to avoid the topic. But what did happen was Jamie found out David and I got together Tuesday morning. She called David in absolute devastion. David told me I was not discreet and that was it.
My friend Joe told Jamie. He overheard a friend of mine say something. He was asked not to repeat. He told Jamie. She hates him. He blames me.
So I was upset. I have 3 people not talking to me becuase I had a weekend make-out session. Yes, this does feel like full on highschool drama to me.
I have redirected my focus.... to other things.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Cinco de Mayo
Finally spring is here. There were moments where I did not think I would survive winter. Now the days are so long and I am occupied and tired. I am drinking, smoking pot, doing hard, playing around, dancing all night, smoking cloves and dreaming of different days.
In all of this I feel sad. I feel something missing. I am feeling lost and over powered by those around me. My business is slow. I got a part-time in a law office which is hard. I feel a sense of failure.
However, no time to be down when tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo and there is a ton of fun to be had. And what better place to have the fun than at my new house!!!!! It is going to be hot, hot, hot.
We were unable to get a DJ so CD's will have to do. We did spend over $250 on booze and another $150 on food. This party is going to rock!!!!
Although male action may be lacking as I am not so sure what men are coming who are single.... or, have been single for a long enough time that their ex-girlfriends won't freak out if they kiss someone else.
Ahora es la fiesta.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
