Two deal breakers
I had a date this evening with one of the men from last Saturday - the stranger I danced in the garden with. He called me on Monday, I ran into him on Tuesday. He asked me out.
He has no car and he was making me dinner at his house. I drove to his neighbourhood, and then I drove around for 10 minutes looking for parking. I was late so I was also extremely aggravated by lack of parking and having a lot of blame towards him. In my mind I had already castrated him and I was making him very wrong.
I got to his place and he was wearing all black and looking good. He began cooking the halibut and then he showed me a tour of his apartment.
He is an engineer by trade, he has a business of building websites and he plays the piano. So he has this very organized apartment with lots of well constructed items. He rents his apartment, and it is not in good shape. However, he has added dim lighting, a good speaker system with the speakers attached to the wall, he has two computers with these arms which attach the wall, a beautiful antique Spanish bench, a gorgeous mirror from his Grandma and a beautiful painting from his mother. He has done a lot of work on the place and it was great to see this producing results in his living enviroment. He also has a great view of the ocean, park and mountains.
He also had a phenomal music collection. I had a lot of fun learning from him about music. He would always say three adjectives to describe a style: ambient-electronic-hip-hop, celtic-jazz-ambient, electronic-pop-grit.
I had been there for 10 minutes and he had offered me nothing to drink. So I asked him if he had anything to drink. Simple question which forwards the action of the evening.
Guess what. He had nothing to drink.
I am not joking. He had tap water with ice - I opted out of the ice. I love tap water and I always want water. So that was great. But, not having wine was a deal breaker.
We ate on the roof and watched the sunset... it was gorgeous. But, there was no wine. I totally got this evening how critical wine is to complete a meal... and a date.
Plus, there was nothing keeping me there or giving me a recharge to continue the evening. I opted out of the rest of the evening he had planned which was to go Latin dancing. Great idea. But, I did not want to drive and I wanted to drink wine. He then asked me to go walking along the beach. I lied and said I only had my heels and this would not work - then I doubled checked that my flip-flops were deeply hidden in my bag.
Two deal breakers - no car and no wine.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Texting
To: Grouse Grind Buddy
"Thank You for an incredible evening. You chose a fabulous movie."
From: Grouse Grind Buddy
"You are so welcome. I thank you for causing our getting together this evening. I listened to your voicemail to me again, I loved it! See you soon incredible girl."
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
A movie with a knight
I had a busy day and it was hot, hot, hot!!!!
I went out to see a movie this evening with my Grind Buddy. It was great. He was eating pizza when I met with him and he looked fabulous. I wanted to eat him up.
During the film he took his shirt off so I could wrap it around me because I was a bit chilly in the theatre becuase of the air conditioning. His shirt smelled so good. He is an amazing guy - really fantastically nice. He was a knight this evening.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Three Dates!!!
Man Woman is a great seminar. We started today at 9:4am and completed at 10:15 pm. I have been asked three times tonight by men.
The first is my Wednesday morning Grouse Grind buddy. He wants to see me before Wednesday... maybe Monday. He was very enrolled in doing something with me. It was great listening to his message. I played it over and over again and then I shared with friends. It was a great message.
The second is the yoga teacher from back in the fall. I have him enrolled in taking me to the beach for sunset on Monday - he is bringing the food. I have not sp0ken to him since January and I have not seen him since October.
The third is a new guy - he is 31, he was playing in a band and his name is Fransisco. We danced in the most beautiful garden in the city to three slow songs. He lead and he was very good at it. When I left I gave him 30 seconds to meet me 1/2 between my van and the house. He was there and I gave him my business card. Then I told him it would be great for him to call me and ask me out. He then replied with he would call and ask me out.
Ha ha ha ha haha. THREE DATES!!!! This all occurred between 9:15pm and 12:45pm. Three dates in 3 1/2 hours!!!! That is amazing results.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
It Occurs to Me
I had a busy day today and it was great because it was sunny so I just ran around in a strapless top and tanned in between meetings.
I went over to a friend's house tonight for some Malibu and OJ after yoga. Her new boyfriend - however, someone whom I've known for years - was very testy this evening. It occurred to me that he was upset. Hmmmm.
Tomorrow I am starting my Man Woman Weekend. I really have no idea what it is about. I do know that I need to take a set of nice clothes for tomorrow evening.
Then I am going to an engagement party. Woo Hoo!!!!
Man who took me for wine tasting and then put me on subway called me today. I was so focussed on work and happy in that moment that I was totally not present with him. I brushed him off.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Summer Solstice
I went camping last night at Porteau Cove for Summer Solstice with my roomate, my ex-boy lover, my new friend, her boyfriend, another couple and Bailey, the dog.
It was great. So beautiful. My ex-boy-lover has a new motorbike. We went for a cruise before the sunset. It had a very deep vibration.
We partied until 1:30 am. I nursed one drink the entire night... kinf of weird. Not purposeful, it just was. We had a great fire on the beach until the tide put it out.
I slept between Lisa and Jon in a two person tent. I was so comfortable. I totally got how much I love these two. I had great dreams, I was very happy.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Change of Trade.
I went out with a friend yesturday who is living in Brisban, Australia. She is a stripper and a glamour model now. She is experiencing success doing this and will be featured in a reality television show about being a stripper. A strip off.
I was totally enrolled in what she is doing. I was intrigued and I really enjoyed listening to her.
I want to be a stripper.
My roomate does some escort work. And we spoke for sometime tonight. Sounds great to me. I want to be an escort. Why not. Having sex with men for emotional reasons does not work for me. So why not satisfy my sexual craving and stop my emotional neediness at the same time. It can work.
I also started to realize on Sunday/Monday how sexually repressed I have become since I started "looking" for a "life partner". I suddenly wanted to be the "good" girl that a man would want to marry. And, fuck that, I want to be a wild and crazy woman who enjoys expressing her sexuality and feels empowered by it. I want to be the whore.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Madonna and the Whore
I went on a date at 7:30 am this morning. And this is not my Wednesday morning Grouse Grind 6:30am date. My 7:30 am date was with a different guy, Rob, he showed up with fresh fruit smoothies which he made.... hmm so sweet.
I am not sure that doing the Grouse Grind every Wednesday at 6:30am counts as a date. In that situation, we are pretending we are friends that do the Grind together. Now we are friends that do the Grind together - but, sometimesI am attracted to him - (sometimes I am not) - but does attraction mean we are not friends? That in fact it is a date?
The Grouse Grind Man is a very nice person - 36 years old, beautiful brown eyes, a lot of fun and interesting - he is very much into getting to know himself and the world around him. I enjoy my time with him. However, he is very much not my type. He is sort of dorky, he has skinny legs, a boring style of dress - except sometimes he wears pink dress shirts (not when we are doing the Grind) and he looks very sexy. I have class with him Wednesday nights. It is fun to watch him in class, he closes his eyes and nods off. Ha ha ha ha. It's cute.
Yesturday morning after the Grouse Grind we were sitting in my car outside his apartment in Coal Harbour. He suddenly said that he was horning and wanted to have sex. This was interesting for me to hear becuase just an hour before when we were climbing the Grind he said that he wanted to start having babies in 4 years. So here is a man who wants to have babies in 4 years (and he is single) so he is looking for a life partner; and he just wants to find a woman to fuck. My understanding of what he was saying was that the woman who he wants to have babies with and the woman he wants to fuck are two different women.
This is totally confusing me. Men really do want a Madonna and a whore.
I percieve myself as the Madonna. I am clear that I want to be a mother and I want to meet my life partner and build a life long relationship. But, men have been percieving me as the whore. I am the one they want to fuck. And, I do not dress or act slutty. I am a good girl. But, I am beautiful. I am the unattainable. I am 5'11 (6'2 with heels) ; I am thin and toned; I have long, thick beautiful brown hair and big blue eyes; and I dress well and am fashionable. My breasts are very small; I don't even wear bras they are so small. There is nothing about me that is whore like - but I appear similar to models.
So men want to "score" me. They ask me out and wine and dine me. But, they do this to fuck me not so I can have their babies. No wonder I am stuck in the world of being single.
And I don't sleep around. It took me 10 months to sleep with the older man.
So I am in the car listening to the Grouse Grind Man talking about being horny and I totally got that men view me as the whore.
I just said to him that I could not help him out.
He laughed and said that he did not mean that he wanted to fuck me... Which I get, becuase I am also very naive and somewhat insecure becuase I do not think men want to fuck me.
But, maybe, he did say that becuase he wanted to fuck me.
When I was in Gautamala in 2001 I was in a hammock on the beach. It was in the early morning just after the sunrise. We had been up all night dancing on the beach at a full moon party snorting coke, drinking and smoking pot. This American guy was in the hammock next to me. We were totally relaxed. It was a beautiful moment. We were not close to each other. I did not feel connected to him. He was just the person in the hammock next to me in that moment.
When, out of nowhere, he says to me, "Do you want to have sex?"
I paused. I was surprised by the question. I saw him as a nice guy, but we were really just there next to each other with not much to say and not much going on. I was also in my year of celebacy.
I responded with, "I'll pretend that you didn't say that."
A few days later my friend Baywatch (see love letters with Baywatch) was returning a book to this American's room. Baywatch knocked on his door. There was no response. There was a window right next to the door and it was open. So Baywatch pulled the curtain aside to place the book on the inside. What he saw was a naked woman on all fours with her head a foot from the window. There was this American guy fucking her doggy style.
This American guy played his odds. And he eventually got laid.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Coincidental
An interesting story to tell.
I was at the video store last night on a mission to rent "Born into Brothels" (very, very good movie). While I was looking I noticed a tall, good looking man. He had blue eyes, short brown hair, and a nice overall even beard stubble. I did look at him; he looked at me. I am playing this game now which is I smile at men when I catch them looking at me. It is a fun game. I used to turn away and stick my nose in the air pretending I was gorgeous and too good for the likes of them.
I eventually found my movie and I was waiting in line secretly hoping he would line up behind me. It did not happen. I left.
I was biking this morning when I saw this same guy sitting on a bench in a park. I stopped at a red light and looked back at him. He was staring at me. I called out to him, "Did I see you somewhere last night." He replied with, "Yes."
I thought I saw him at the grocery store but he told me it was the video store. He then mentioned that I left quickly the night before. I told him that I found my video... and I wish that I had added, "You could have been quicker in talking with me."
We talked for 10 minutes. I got some basic info from him. He works for the federal government and he is taking a few weeks off to study for an exam.
So I left to continued on my bike ride. I got stopped at the same red light. I waited and then just before it turned green, I turned around. He was watching me. I smiled. He smiled back.
So I get to my destination and I cannot quite get this guy off my mind. I decide to bike back along the same route with the hopes of running into him.
And as I approach the park, I get stopped by the same red light, but on the opposite side of the street. He is still sitting on the same bench. He sees me.
I bike over. He invites me to sit down. I invite him for a coffee. The compromise was that I went and bought myself a coffee and then I joined him on the bench. His name is Mike.
We talked for an hour. He is a very goodlooking guy. He is healthy, interesting, wasp and a little lost about what he wants to do with his life. He is totally not like any guys I ever talk too. He is a normal guy. One of his friends was riding by on his bike and he stopped to say hi. This group of guys are growing beards for a stag happening in July.
It was time for me to go. Mike offers me his business card. I tell him that he is actually suppose to ask me for my number. So he asks me to write my number down on his business card.
I am reading his business card and his name is very familiar. I ask him a few questions about where is from ect. I then ask him if he ever took a girl out in highschool to Earls and his car broke down in the parking lot. He said "Yes". I told him I was that girl.
Ha ha ha. We went on date 13 years ago!!!!! Wow, that is very coincidental.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Legs
I have been having sex with the older man. I enjoy it when I feel I am in control. I have enjoyed having playing with him and being sexual. He does have a great cock. A fantastic size and shape. His body is getting older but his cock is still young.
Peanus feels like an ugly word to me. I just used the word cock twice in the above paragraph because I felt peanus was too nasty.
When I first started being intimate with the older man he would whisper things to me when we were hot. He used the word "lovely" alot and he would create fantasies of us travelling and making love all over the world. It was great.
But, at Christmas time I took him up on his offer to go travelling - up on the plane ticket he allegedly gave me. It did not happen. Since then he does not ask. I had to invite myself to his yacht last month.
It is weird. In January we were making out, and he was about to come and I was watching and ducking out of the way. I did not want anything to get on me. Then more recently I was begging him to come on me. I like him and respect him now. I want him to come on me.
But, now that I want him he seems to avoid me.
I was sitting on a friend's patio on the 10th floor overlooking the harbour on Friday afternoon and evening. I could see him on his boat leaving town for the weekend trailing his zodiac. I texted him and to say hi and saying I spot you. He responded. But..... there is no more enthusiasm in him to get to know me. It feels dispersed. Perhaps it was there at one point. ut I gave it no space becuase of my lack of trust for him. I was a cement wall not letting anything in.
Of course one would give up. I was too impossible. There is no winner.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
The Doctor is Back
I called the Doctor today after my morning yoga class. We have been playing telephone tag for a little while. I invited him to my housewarming - he was unable to come. Then he went out of town to Boston and Toronto. Until today we have not spoken since January and we have not seen each other since..... he called it off to go back to his ex-girlfriend.
We connected when I called - I was totally surprised and he got that I was surprised. He was just waking up as his shift ended at 5am. We decided to meet for breakfast in Kits at La Viva cafe.
I was talking to an older man about the World Cup when the Doctor walked in. He looks great. His hair is cut sort of like a mohalk - it looks really fantastic. He was wearing this awesome jacket with a green tee. He has a phenomenal fashion sense - I love his style.
I had a really great time with him. We talked a lot during breakfast. Catching up with work, our homes, travels and relationships. We went for a walk to the beach. We sat on a log and talked more. He had a meeting at two - but, we were totally immersed each in each other until he had to go.
I opened up and shared with him about who I had been when we were dating. I made it impossible for him to be a winner. The last thing I stated to him was that I think he is one of the most amazing and greatest people I know and that it is important for me to have him in my life. And, when I said this it was not a romantic thing at all. I was totally and only authentic. He agreed with me
Then just after. I shared with my friend Jenn about it all. And she starts saying things like she always liked him the best, he could be the one. Then suddenly my mind switches from a friend and authentic manner to a daydreaming and fantasizing mode about the romantic possibilities with the Doc.
The Doctor is great. We can really talk and talk forever. He is going to Spain on Tuesday for a weekend party and then to Sweden for the Summer Soltice.
We talked about my relationship with the older man. The Doc already knows about it - becuase, we talked about it back in October. He said some really great things about it. He said this could be holding me back energetically from being open to meeting someone else. As well as, the older man seems to know exactly what to do to keep me hooked without making a commitment.
Then when I asked the Doc about who he was dating. He said he was dating a younger woman - a 24 year old - he is 37. Ha ha ha ha. It is funny.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
We like you.
Summer is here.... and I am loving it. I am on my bike and cruising around town - sometimes with a mission and sometimes justb because.
I figured out my story about men. My ultimate story... the one I could not shake. The story that my life was totally screwed because of.... it is this:
My life is screwed because men don't like me and I will never fall in love.
Ouch.
This is the story that played over and over again for me. I wrote it out in a notebook for 20 minutes then I read it to this woman a few times.... getting choked up and crying at some points. I could not shake it. I totally believed it. Finally I stood up in front of a hundred people and I stated, "My life is screwed because men don't like me."
All the men responded back with a very loud "We like you."
I yelled back, "No, no. You don't get it. My life is screwed becuase men don't like me."
The men yelled back, "WE LIKE YOU."
I yelled back with perfect exageration, "NO YOU"RE NOT LISTENING. MY LIFE IS SCREWED BECAUASE MEN DON'T LIKE ME."
And of course they responded back with a louder than ever, "WE LIKE YOU."
I was laughing at this point and I totally got how stupid my story was. And, it was gone.
For the rest of the weekend, I had men coming up to me, looking me in the eye and saying, "I like you."
Everytime I felt special and liked.
It looks like Brent is back from Romania. I got a text message from him this evening.
I really want to share with him. I want to tell him my story. That I believed so strongly that men did like me that when men do nice and thoughtful things for me I am trying to figure out what they want from me. They must want something if they are being nice.
This attitude really does not create a safe or caring space for a relationship to blossom. I really want to share with him and apologize.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
