On and Off
On and off. This is B and I right now.
I love him but I feel like it is this struggle and people who are in healthy relationships say that it is not suppose to be hard. But it is hard with him and I.
I feel like he has so much resistance to me. So now I hold back... no calling, no emailing, no texting, no facebooking. Nada.
I need to open myself up to other men. I want to cut B out now completely. I need to consider myself single.
I want to be a with a man who is crazy excited to see me. B is excited see me, but he is also excited to get a full day of mountain biking in, to eat nachos and have beers with his friends. I am left waiting.
He arrived an hour and a half late for a date we had on Thursday. I was livid. Then I cried all night because I was so hurt and I was so mad. He stayed until Sunday morning. But, I just feel done. No more.
A very cute guy came into my store. His name is Dwight. He came in once before and I hope he comes back soon. He mentioned that he would. He grew up in Missasauga, Ontario, he is 37, and he is the youngest of 4 boys.
There is also Alejandro. Who I do enjoy. I hesitate with him. He is Mexican and I do not want to get entangled in another long distance scenerio.
I feel tired and I want a man who will help me. B is not the guy. He wants to help and he does help but he is in town so briefly and he needs to do personal errands so he is not able to help me as much as I would like.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
B and I
Things got extremely bad with B on Friday. Really bad.
I discovered on Thursday that I was going to have the weekend off - my first weekend off in months. I called B to see if he wanted to meet up. I told him I had to be in Vtown because of a wedding shower on Sunday at 1pm. I came to the realization that I would be really lame to stay in town for a wedding shower instead of taking off for 3 or 4 days. So I called him back to create new and different plans.
Anyways I am not sure what happened but over the course of a morning we were on the several together several times.
At one point I told him that someone from Nelson had told me they had heard he was flirting with another woman. I told him this. He confessed to kissing someone - a 40 year old with kids. I was slightly choked but I understood that we were broken up so ..... c'est la vie.
He told me that he realized from kissing her that he missed me immensely.
So anyhow it came out a couple of hours later in a different phone conversation that he had sex with her. Oh, I totally lost it. I could not speak for a couple of minutes.... then I just got really mad. I locked myself in my bathroom and I ripped my bathroom apart. I literally tore shelves off the wall and through things and broke things. Wow!! I don't think I have ever gotten that mad in my life.
That night after work I packed my car up to go camping. Around 8:30 pm I decided it was a better idea to join my roomate at the Sasquatch Music Festival at the Gorge. I reckoned I could meet some guy and flirt and have sex with him. I called B to talk to him. After a long conversation we decided that I would drive to Nelson and we would go camping on his land on Kootney Lake.
I left the city at 9:30pm, I drove for a few hours, slept in the car with Link and I arrived in Nelson at 11am the next day.
We had not seen each other since mid April. It was good. We were both very cautious, nice and apologetic at first. He made us a nice salad for lunch; then we fixed his boats windows and pack up.
We arrived at his land just as it was getting dark. The boat broke down and we had to paddle the last bit.
We smoked pot and drank that night just enjoying each other company. We slept next to each other.
The next morning we waked and baked which was a good start to the day. We basically spent the day walkin around his property with the dog and exploring his neighbours places. We talked a lot. We did mushrooms and E. We needed it.
He hugged me with these huge long hugs. Placing himself in a very vulnerable position. Gradually our barriers melted away.
We did not kiss until we were in the Hot Springs the next day. We were in the cave and we shared a very long intimate kiss.
It felt good to spending time with him. We do have an incredible connection.
Are we back together? I do not consider us back together. I am open to new experiences with him and other men. We will see each other again mid June. And I am thinking of going up to his land again on July long weekend.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
