Forever 21
I went on a date last night with a 21 year old. He asked me out and he has been asking me since he met on July 1st. We met at a Canada Day breakfast at a Golf Club. His friends and him swarmed me at the coffee and he took a step out from the rest to ask who I was.
Since then he has called me parents to get my telephone number and introduced himself to my father on the golf course. He is said to be one of the best golfers at the club. He is currently studying at a University in Atlanta on a golf scholarship.
He invited me to watch the fireworks in a house on Beach Avenue. There was an open bar and appies and a lot of golfers firing it up.
Then we went dancing at the Caprice. Actually I danced he drank a lot more.
It was a fun date.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Pool Party
A Trail of Men
I was working this past weekend at the Folk Fest. I had a renegade booth outside the festival on the beach. There was a steady stream of people coming by all weekend - including men. There were ex's, new men, and current men. I find it intriguing how there are so many coming by but they never seem to be there at the same time.
The ex's that came by were the Professional Snowboarder on Saturday night. It was such a pleasure to see him. We were good friends in high schools. The Naked Beer Vendor came by Saturday afternoon - he is my only ex who I get an icky feeling from. I am never excited to see him. My ex-Boy Lover came by Friday night with a group of friends and hung out. Fransisco the guy who made the halibut but had no wine made a few appearances including Monday morning - on the verge of being very creepy.
Current interests include the amateur Golfer - he came by Saturday brunch time. The Token Mexican came by on Sunday. Kaare was there every night at closing - he gave me an anklet.
Plus there was total abundance in new men.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Opposite Impact
I was just stoned before. I am back to feeling insecure. I returned his call.... perhaps, a little too eagerly. And, now I am waiting again.
I only analyze the whole calling thing when I like them. I lose all ability to be natural. I am planning and staking out every move. And watching the opponent to guess what they are thinking and what their next move will be.... Like a game of chess.
And, why am I playing this game?
Johnny told my roomate that he was seeing someone and not interested in me.
I think this while ManWoman Weekend was healthy and great to an extent. But, a result I am producing is attracting men I am not interested in and repelling men that I like. This is not quite the impact I was wanting to make.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Feeling what I want
I am feeling like I am on edge. Like I am standing at the top of an abyss. I am so close to going over that edge. No matter what I am going over. This is my point in life where the ride is about to get really wild and crazy.
Who am I going to be going over the edge?
I spent the last several years climbing to this place. I made a collage of myself when I was 21. It is me standing on a mountain top with a bird of prey on my shoulder. This is my power picture. It is showing me where I am going. Now, it is happening. And, I am scared.
My business is about to totally change. It is about to get big. Really big. My love life is about to explode or implode. And, this could be the moment which I have been resisting from.
Maybe, Yoga Man is the guy for me. Maybe, he is not. Maybe, what works is to love him no matter what he does - calling or not calling. Maybe, this is what I am suppose to do in all areas of my life - love no matter what.
I am guilty of withdrawing my love when I am mad. I hold back. It is as if I am looking for a reason to make someone wrong, becuase once they are wrong then I don't have to love them. Then I can be safe and unharmed. I will not experience hurt from another person because I will not be placed in a position where they could hurt me. I can not be vulnerable.
This can be my life. Making others wrong so I don't have to be vulnerable.
OR, I can be vulnerable, and risk the possibility that I may feel bad if... something happens.
What happens?
Is it possible that I love Jesse?
I have been poking around. Poking you. Poking him. Poking her. Poking everything. Tasting it, sampling it, digging at it. It has been a high energy time. Tons of new people. All the time, every day. It is exciting and it is full-on.
Now.... I want a new experience.
I want to feel something deeper and closer to me. I want to feel an understanding. An understood. A knowing.
I want to burst with love and enthusiasm. I want to shine.
I want to drop into a total abyss of love, healing and peace.
I want to be the reason that in life people believe that anything is possible.
I want to be a leader of this power.
I want to be total love. I want to get of my world and get into everybody elses.
I want to be power. I want to share. I want to be in love. I want to allow myself to be vulnerable to experience love. I want it.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Scary
Stoned. Finally.... I need to be grounded. I need to stop flying for a moment. I need to breathe. I need to stretch. I feel like I am moving so quickly and I am in this tornado blazing through life. I moving too quickly to make distinctions
"It's Jesse calling. um, ya. It has been a few days since I've saw you. And, and you haven't called me. Don't you think it would be nice to call someone after you kissed them. Just to make them feel like they weren't just... being used as a play thing.... I'm only joking. Anyway, Give me a call. You're probably really busy. But, ah, when you get a chance, maybe, later tonight, I'm teaching this evening. Give me call, and we can make plans. Get together. Hope everything is going well and I 'll talk to you soon."
I recieved this message today at around 3:30. I was so busy being mad with him for not calling sooner, that I did not hear the message he sent me. I was stuck in my head. I was making him wrong and a typical man. His actions were not good enough. It had occurred to me that he was making fun of me for feeling crazy about him not calling. Of course, he does not know how I am feeling becuase we have not spoken since Sunday.
It was not until this moment when I played his message over and over again in order to type it out that I actually understood how beautiful this message is. For one thing he called. I really am excited that he called. It feels really good. He also said something really cute and touching in the message. He spoke about how it is important to call someone after kissing.
Now, I am back in reactionary. I called him back today - probably too soon, as I had a message with an iron fist. I smiled while I said it, but I was not being truly excited or happy on the phone. This is why he leaves because nothing he does is good enough. All he did was have a really good time with me and call me afterwards. Then I make him wrong..... only becuase I am feeling insecure, nervous and threatened by the possibility of falling in love.
I have been picking him apart for a couple of days. I have not spoken to him in a few. But, maybe men really do have intuition and maybe they really can tell when they are entering a battle zone - and only after the first date.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Door Open for the French
The door is open for my gorgeous French man to visit me in August. He calls me darling, beautiful and when he talks it is like he is purring.
We met in Varkala in India in 2005. He is a spectacular example of genetically blessed. He exudes sexiness and he has this calm and peaceful energy which attracts people.
He really liked me and I barely noticed. We spent some time on a beach called Om Beach in these little rooms where we slept on the floor. We shared our little bangalows with a group of Russians. We smoked ganga all day and all night.
One evening my French Man made a fire. He went into the woods and collected wood for the fire. He made a gorgeous fire. When he came to get me I was sitting on the floor in my room with the Swiss-German guy - cuddling!! I did not realize that the French Man liked me so much. He had been telling everyone that he was in love with me. And there he finds me cuddling with his friend.
Nothing ever happened between the Swiss-German and myself. I did like him. But, a very typical thing for me to do. To be attracted to a guy who is more like a boy than a man; to be attracted to a man who does not want a relationship. It played out to be nothing more than a little drama. It was all very minimal. But, there is a part of me that is sorry that nothing happened between the French Man and myself.
I really want him to visit and I want to put all of my attention on him when he does come visit. He is a man. He likes me. Why do I resist it so much?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Fuck Approval of Men.
Okay, so it is true I was breathing a huge sigh of relief yesturday when Yoga Man did not call. But, now it is today and evening time, and still no word. It is the end of the 3rd day. I was out celebrating a friend's 30th Birthday - and it is a consensus to give him the boot. He has officially been deleted from my phone. This will thwart all temptation on my part of calling him.
So why has he not called? He asked me out for a party on the 22nd of July, but he has not called to check in and let me know that he likes me and he is thinking of me.
According to "He's Just Not that Into You" and my girlfriends, he has not called becuase he is just not thinking of me and he is just not that into me.
According to "ManWoman Weekend", I am suppose to savour the waiting of him not calling and when he finally does call I am suppose to be happy and give him approval for calling.
According to "Mars and Venus", he has not called becuase he is a man and from Mars. Therefore, he does not call when he likes me and he does not call when he does not like me. He just does not call.
According to me... well, there is the part of me that is still making the excuses - "he has been really busy, I have been too busy too call men I like. He likes me, he really does, he even said he liked me. He just got too busy to call. He'll call when he is less busy. It was really special when we were kissing. I totally felt it - he likes me."
There is the I-got-had-again, "Fuck, this time, the third time, I believed him when he said he liked me and when he was kissing me. But, once again he obviously does not like if he has not called. I am going to give him hell when he calls and tell him what a fucking fuck-up he is."
There is also the he is not the one, "Fuck being happy and approving when he calls. I want to be with a man who calls me becuase he can's stop thinking of me. That he is so enthralled with me, that he wants to ask me out again before another man has time to ask me out. That he wants to gobble me up and shower attention on me. That he wants to be with me, that he enjoys being with me so much, that he will call me every day to let me know that he is there and not to fill his space with another man."
Yoga Man has failed. Waiting 3 days to call does not work. It is automatic failure. I feel a little sad about this. I really believed for like 32 hours that this could be something. I believed it so much that I hardly flinched when I got stood by Johnny for my Monday night date. So I texted my fall back man - Older Man - after dinner.
"I just had dinner, am wanting desert."
No answer.
I am going to sleep now. I will dream happy thoughts. I am feeling like I am back in my place of men are assholes and slimes. I will need a good sleep and some heavy flirting and a date and a make-out session and him calling me back the next day to get over this.
Fuck approving of men. I will give them approval when they fucking deserve it.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Analyzing
I am waiting for Yoga Guy to call. I am working out of my office and I am alone so I have time to be anxious. Don't men understand that women need reassurance. Just a quick phone call. Just a little hello. Just a I was thinking of you. Even texting would work or an email.
The Mexican has called and texted me in the last 18 hours. Why not the man whom I made out with for hours on Sunday. Hey, that was a privilaged experience.
I took a little nap at the office today. I had a small nightmare. First, it was like I was stuck in this dream - I did not know I was dreaming - and I was doing very ordinary work things like working with Adobe Photoshop. I was talking with a couple of friends about upcoming courses and parties. A friend of mine whom I have been wanting to take a course and always resists had committed to going after talking with my roomate. My roomate has the ability to charm the pants off of anyone. I got mad and snapped, and said something like, "You never wanted to go when I invited you." Wow, such anger in my dream and what a victim I was being. Then we were planning on going to a party across on the bridge on the Northshore and I was to be the driver. I didn't want to drive, I wanted to drink.
Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.
I am doing that checking my phone to make sure the ringer is on. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.
Nope. Nada.
According to Mars & Venus.
" A man instinctively doesn't reveal his excitement, assuming that if he appears needy it will weaken his position."
There is truth in this. When I was falling asleep I was thinking about my habits with men. As soon as a guy likes me, I start analyzing him. I am looking at all of these things about him. Is he good looking, sexy, a provider, a doer, funny, well liked, respected, how does it occur to me that my friends and family will view him, what is his long term potential, does he want to have kids, what kind of father will he be, how big is his peanus, does he have back hair, is he losing the hair on his head, what sports does he watch, how does he hold his fork, does he cook, does he eat meat, is he a vegan, does he enjoy watching horror movies, what does it mean about him if he enjoys watching horror movies, does he bite his nails, does he get manicures, does he sing, does he put the toilet lid down after using it, do I enjoy kissing him, does he have tattoos, does he have great tattoos, does he have lots of friends that are girls, am I going to get jealous over his friends that are girls, does he have skinny legs, is he good with a hammer, can he jump start my van, does he drive a nice a car, does he own a car, can he choose a good wine, does he like to travel, how many languages does he speak, can he touch his toes, can I read his handwriting, and the list of questions goes on and on.
As soon as I like a guy all of these questions start going through my head and suddenly there are fifty reasons why he is not the one.
I am totally panicked about meeting someone and settling down. Sure I whine about being single but this is really covering up the fact that I am scared shitless of falling in love, of only kissing one man for the rest of my life, of not being with the man that is perfect for me.
So yes I am anxiously waiting for Yoga Man to call but I am breathing a huge sigh of relief that he has not called becuase this gives me more time to plot and plan meeting the real Mr. Right.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Hmmmmmm. Blissed Out.
Ahhhhh. I got stood up this evening - I think - by the Johnny - the really solid, cute guy I like. I do like him - not like the other men where I am just jumping and having fun. And, maybe it is not all fair to say I got stood up. He did ask me to do something for tonight late Thursday night. At the time he had asked me I was hosting a BBQ party for my roomate and I had definately consummed some serious amounts of white wine. It is really a surprise that I even remember he asked me. But, I like him.
This was one of the recent dates I have booked that I would love to have seen come to fruition. But, there were no tears shed as I am still all blissed out from my date with the Yoga Man which was last night.
HHmmmmmmm......... WOW. Really, this Yoga Man is everything I want in a lover. He is my perfect ideal of a man in bed. We spent hours last night just kissing and feeling each other.
I laid some rules down with what was permitted to be done. The last time we got together we had the most amazing, passionate sex ever and I fell for him. Then I totally freaked out and got really weird. I was no longer being happy or fun.... I was being paranoid and cold. So our relationship ended.
Last night we played and talked for hours. He obeyed the rules. I was so smitten that I invited him to stay and was ready to beg. But, he excused himself at 1:30am as he knew that if he stayed we would most likely have sex. And he made the most amazing and gracious move by leaving. I woke with a start this morning and so much gratitude that he left. I am not ready to have sex with him.
I really do love being intimate with him. But, there is my logic brain which gets in the way. It is saying to me that a man who is a Yoga Teacher and the lead singer of a rock band is not long term material. This is my battle with him.
He is an amazing lover, but despite his 32 years he is still a boy in many regards. I want a man.
So, that is what Johnny represents to me - a man. He owns a house - which is yellow just like mine. He has a business - he builds things; he owns a truck and two motorbikes; and he has a garden with corn and other vegetables. He even said to me that he is a simple man that wants to have a family that he can provide for. Of course, I melted when he said this - and it was really funny because it was after the whole David Lee Roth conversation.
A part of me wants to call Johnny to see what happened - did we have a date? The other part of me is strongly advising that this is a bad move - don't call, don't call, don't call and whatever you do, don't call. I need to savour the waiting.
If we are meant to be together then it will happen. We live in the same neighbourhood, we know the same people. He has my number. If he really wanted to call me then he would.
The Older Man is back in town again after boating. He always seems to pop up. He is getting ingrained in my life.
The Token Mexican in my life is calling and we are talking a lot. I love practicing my Spanish and being with the Latino culture.
I got asked out by an amateaur golfer. He is playing in a tournament right now. He was going to call me to tell me his tee time so I could go watch. But, I have not heard from him. He is my dad's favourite. My dad gets really excited and calls to make sure I am returning the golfer's phone calls.
But, right now, when I drift to sleep it is Yoga Man whom I will be thinking of.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Hed Candy
I went to Hed Candy tonight - it was my reward for painting my garage today. The Doctor was there, as well as, his girlfriend - who is a beautiful 24 year old Asian woman. She works in the hospital and she imports diamonds from NY. He is Asian too, so it is a better match than him and I - as I am quite a bit taller than him.
I went with two girlfriends. We each took turns buying rounds of drinks. I did a wonderful job at manifesting my rounds being bought by others. My first round was bought by Patrick - a black man from Texas. He was very nice and a very good dancer. He does like Computer Programming.
My second round was bought from this man who likes my smile. I was waiting for the bartender and he asked me what I wanted. I told him a Vodka-Seven.... and a Vodka-Cranberry. Then I added a water. When all the drinks had come, I added another water. He paid the money for all of the drinks. During the waiting of the drinks he asked me for my number and I wrote it down for him. He told me it cost him $40 to get my number. Then he asked if it was worth it. I told him it depended what he did with it.
The Yoga Teacher is back. I was meeting a friend for a BBQ and she did no follow up and left me hanging with no address. I was getting mad and I called Yoga Man. He talked to me for 45 minutes on the phone while I walked downtown to Hed Candy. We had a great talk. He is coming over tomorrow night with a movie and we are going to chill together. Fun to be hanging with him again.
I did meet someone who I like. His name is Johnny. We originally met in April when he helped me move. Then I saw him again for my Cinco de Mayo party. He was all shaggy after hiking for a couple of weeks. Then I saw him again last Saturday at the Canada Party at Spanish Banks. I did not recognize him because he cut all of his hair off and shaved his beard. He is hot.
I always liked him. He is a solid guy. He came to the BBQ we had on Thursday for my roomates 30th Birthday. He actual\ly took her for a ride on his motor bike so I could set up decorations. He provided speakers and BBQ. I like him.
At the party he spoke about David Lee Roth - I don't remember what he said but I thought he was really cute saying it.
He asked me out at the end of the BBq for Monday evening. I did see him yesturday to deliver BBQ back to him but he did not bring up Monday so I am not sure if it is a go or not. I do like him......... I really do. But I have the sense that he may be too solid for him. I feel sort of flakey around him even though I am not flakey at all.
Hmmmmm.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Two Dates One Night
I met the lawyer Saturday at this great outdoor beach party in Spanish Banks with a hip hop dj. I was meeting my Grind Buddy there. I picked up their beer - they saved me a parking space. 45 minutes after I arrived and just after smoking some weed I got a call from the guys telling me that I was about to get towed.
I ran back to the van and they had saved me from a ticket and being towed under the promise to move the vehicle. I happily obliged. I invited the lawyer to join me. He did.
We drove up the hill and found another parking spot. We heard music walking back and we dropped in to check out this other party. It was great house music. The party was in a tighter space and it was great. We danced for a little bit and then headed back to our party.
So anyways I called the Laywer this morning because I wanted to him to read over the commercial lease I am about to sign. We made plans to meet at Card's downtown in the harbour. We had beer, shared a bottle of Burrowing Owl Pinot Noir and we shared a couple of appies. We were on the patio on a gorgeous evening surrounded by boats. This is the same restaurant that the restaurant guy owns.
I had a great time with the Lawyer - his birthday is May 2nd and he is 42. And totally fabulous looking for 42. I kissed him on the neck good night.
He told me to call him. I told him it was his job to pursue and my job to graciously recieve.
I got picked up from Card's by Jon my younger ex. I was affectionately called a cheeta when I dated him. We went for a fabulous ride around the park on his motor bike. I love riding on the back of motor bikes.
We went to the Bay side of downtown and to the Boathouse. We also had appies and drinks. Jon gave me design advice. It was a beautiful patio. We had so much fun. He also picked up the bill.
Wow. It was all so great. I had a really great time with both of them. The lawyer gets me smiling because he is so bashful and nice. Jon always has me laughing.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Small Taste
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
2001 Reruns
The Doctor called me yesturday morning. He is back from his trip to Spain and Sweden. I love the Doctor. I enjoy his converstation so much. And he has absolutely, hands down, the best style.
I invited him to join me at Sound Wave this coming weekend in Ucluetet on the island. He is looking into it. He called me to invite me to go swimming at Kits pool. A great plan - I just feel that I need to polish up my strokes a bit.
I went away yesturday to the Ski Resort town. A group of my friends and I sat in Rainbow Park all afternoon lakeside. Drinking beer, smoking joints and reading Smut magazines. A perfect beach day.
I burnt my ass the day before at the Jericho Club. That was also great - luxury. A pool which is located oceanside. Ah. That is heaven.
We went out last night to see RedEye play. I danced up a storm. I invited an Italian home - but, he got vetoed by the cabin owner. So I got home and passed out ASAP.
I got some text messages from Older Man on Saturday - we are so not on the same page right now. It faded out and disappeared. It no longer exists and I have barely noticed.
I also re-met a man called Nick whom I dated back in 2001 - when he was a lifeguard and I worked in a coffee shop. I have only the vaguest recollection. It was my friend Debbie who remembered and told me. I approached Nick and I told him that we use to know each other. He had no recollection either .... until 45 minutes after I told him.
He then remember me reading his palm. We went on a couple of dates.
On Saturday I asked him if we ever made out. He replied with, "I hope so!". So great and classic.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
