loving and not loving
I called B this morning to tell him that I love him.
I feel like I am dual personality.... my healer tells me that we all feel this way. Sometimes I am loving and postive and optimistic; during these times I feel tuned in to my path and to the universe and I feel I understand my place. Then there are times when I feel tormented and sad and depressed. And I can fluxuate between these two parts of me very quickly and sometimes several times a day.
And since yesturday I have been feeling loving towards B. I understand that we have this conflict of being apart and having a long distance relationship... but I feel so deeply that he is someone who I want to be in my life. I feel like he and I are on the same way.
Although, yes, he did say in the break up email that it is time to go seperate ways.
Am I just being dillusional?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
How much space
Finally B and I are talking again. He has returned from Greenland. Things got worse as he fell asleep when we had set up a time to meet. Then he texted me the next day to apologize. I kind of lost it after that. I was an emotional mess. I could not work. I left town for a few days and went camping at Long Beach with Link.
I have been really sad the past few weeks. There is a part of me which is still in love with B and I believe that he is the one for me. Then there is part of me that is so disappointed, hurt and angry by his behaviour that I am happy our relationship is over.
We have spoken on the phone three times. Two conversations were mostly me telling him how hurt and upset I am. He listened patiently. I spent a lot of time being in his business. Then we had one converstation where we both apologized. I was sincerely sorry for my behaviour.
He told me he wants to come to Vancouver for a week or so. I am on the fence. I really want to see him.... but he has been really immature. I ask myself who in my life would support me getting back together with B. I am not sure if anyone would after what he did.
I got upset on the phone on a Tuesday. He did not return any of my calls then he left for Greenland the next day. There was no contact between us until I got an email from him Friday morning breaking up with me. Then we did not talk on the phone for another 2 weeks when he was in town for one night...
I gave him a lot of reflections last night. They were not all nice and not necessarily true.
Cristine told me it was up to me if B and I got back together... becuase I would have to forgive him. I don't know if I can. I feel thtt if I forgive him then I am being a doormat. But maybe I need to work on forgiveness. I need to understand how forgiveness feels and the greater impact it can have on a relationship.
B runs away from confrontation where I deal with head on and full of energy. I do not back down. He is the chihahua and I am pit bull.
He told me that he would call me today. We will see. I would love it if he called me today but I have learned with him not to expect him to do what he says he will do.
He told me on Tuesday night that he loves that he just needs his space. I understand. But, he has not seen me in over a month... so how much space does he need?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
A possibility
I just met with Ben the son of the Angel Communicator. I spoke to him for a long time and I listened to him for a long time. He is only 18. A very normal 18 year old - he skate boarded here, he likes to party, he is finishing high school soon... yet, he is so insightful.
What I learned from him is that there is hope with B. That B did love me and that he still loves me a reasonable amount. There is hope that we can work through this. But, it is entirely up to B. I need to let go of him. Focus on myself. When I see him this week, I need to speak softly, to listen, to be patient, to create a space for him to be.
I already feel like this is stuff I learned this week .... but it does help to listen to someone else tell me the same things.
I do have a lot of sadness in me with the end of B. I really do not want it to end. Ben could not tell me if we are or are not going to get back together. It will be a spoiler and I will not learn what I need to learn.
He basically said that I need to listen more. That I need to kick back and relax and not be so demanding of who I am or what my expectations are. I need to let go of expectations.
Ben also said that with Buff this is an unresolved issue with his mom - who died 2 years ago. This does make me feel better. But, I do feel terrible for getting angry with him and not being a patient person.
Ben also said that it is okay to get angry but it is not okay to just express this anger on other people. I do need to work on this.
He mentioned that becuase my energy is so strong that although it is important for me to be myself, it is also important for me to listen to others more - to just be quieter.
It is up to me if I want to see B this week. I need to give him space. ... But I can manifest what I want.
I love B, I want to see him.
Ben said that there was a possibility that B and I can work through this.
A possibility - there is hope.
Ben also said that there was B did think of marriage with me.
Ben said that I will get married and I will have kids.
Things may not work out with B - I love him and I really hope they do. I need to let go..... no expectations.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Scorpio & Cancer
SCORPIO AND CANCER COMPATIBILITY You harmonize with Cancer, because the Moon, ruling planet of Cancer, combines with your Pluto to promote a constructive relationship. You could marry a Cancer because there is, with a native of this sign, a desire to settle down and have a home of your own. Cancer affects that part of your chart having to do with long-range planning. You look ahead; you make adjustments. You begin to utilize your assets more intelligently. You begin an investment program. You gain Power because more people become aware of what you're about with Cancer, there is a solidity and you can bring together dissenting factions. Listen: you possess loads of power, creative ability which needs an outlet. Cancer helps find that outlet. Cancer makes a home or makes it possible for you to obtain a place you can call home. The Moon of Cancer has a magnetic appeal for you. Where disruptive elements exist, they evaporate when you get together with Cancer.
Both Cancer and Scorpio are of the Water element; both are sensitive and predisposed toward being psychic. There is a bond of understanding here. You could meet a Cancerian and feel you have known that person for a number of years. The appeal is on mental, emotional and physical levels. Now, listen: I am not attempting to describe some sort of utopia. Not all will be perfect with Cancer, nor with the native of any other sign. But the odds for your success with Cancer are greater than with numerous other natives. There is no sensational blast; the evolvement is gradual, but the progress is steady. You build, with Cancer, on a solid foundation. If patient and perceptive, mature and receptive, you could find greater happiness and fulfillment as a result of your association with Cancer. In actuality, Scorpio, of course, it is up to you.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Numerology
Bouquet for U and B
Your relationship is becoming more and more difficult, the fuse is alight and you're merely waiting for the explosion. You don't agree on several issues and you are both too stubborn to concede. Some people enjoy arguments, but all the time?
Bouquet for U and B...
Not a bad match, you get along well and know how to put things back together after a fight. The most important thing is that you enjoy each other's company, and find one another stimulating. Your connection is based on rare mutual attraction.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
More and more
Romantic Compatibility
| | The Compatibility and Interaction
Scorpio and Cancer
This partnership may bloom like a flower! Both the parties are very intense and passionate. The relationship they share may be exceptionally strong and wholehearted. A Scorpio is possessive, and possession include near ones with a jealous eye. A Cancer will understand this and give never a cause for mistrust. A Scorpio loves a neat and comfortable home and so does Cancer. In this respect they may complement each other. They are both great home lovers. A Cancer may not meet another sign that has the potential of evolving a sensual side that may bloom in the physical union between the two. Love and sex will be so intermingled that an emotional Cancer will find it very stimulating. This is an excellent partnership.
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live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
More Compatibility
Scorpio - CancerCompatibility Reading When Cancer and Scorpio come together, the resulting relationship brings together two Signs of great emotional depth. Signs such as these often combine well, each partner's strengths balancing the other's weaknesses. These Signs have a strong sexual attraction, and when they are together the temperature in the room tends to rise! Cancer and Scorpio have a great deal in common which will keep their relationship strong. Cancer and Scorpio enjoy working together toward acquisition and create a comfortable living space: Cancer wants security and Scorpio wants power. Both of these Signs are about domestic goods and resources, including stocks, bonds and inheritances. They are both passionate and deeply emotionally touched by all aspects of life. They complement each other because Cancer and Scorpio are both concerned with the home and both have fierce loyalty to the family group.
Cancer is ruled by the Moon and Scorpio is ruled by Mars and Pluto. This combination is very intense, thanks to Pluto's influence, but it's a good balance of masculine and feminine energy. The two Signs coming together form the basic foundation of human relationships -- The Moon's nurturing love and Mars' passion. The Moon and Mars go well together; The Moon is about growth and rebirth , and Mars is about the passion of romance. Scorpio is smoldering and intense, and Cancer is attracted to this intensity; in turn, Scorpio enjoys the adoration inherent in Moon-ruled Cancer.
Cancer and Scorpio are both Water Signs. Both are very deep Signs and like the ocean, you can never really see the bottom. Scorpio and Cancer emotionally draw further and further into themselves, then suddenly roar back with intimidating force. Cancer and Scorpio are strongly loyal to each other, a product of their mutual desire for emotional security. But while Cancer is fixated on the family and home Scorpio is more focused on the undercurrents of life. Scorpio can show Cancer beyond the literal surface, while Cancer can teach Scorpio not to fear their emotions. Additionally, Scorpio appreciates the Cancerian practicality and Cancer enjoys Scorpio's jealousy -- it proves that Scorpio really loves and cherishes them.
Cancer is a Cardinal Sign and Scorpio is a Fixed Sign. Once they have a common wish, it will be realized due to their efforts. However, if their opinions clash, look out! Cancer will be the first to instigate an argument and Scorpio the last to finish it. It often appears that Cancer will get its own way and be the dominant partner, but that isn't always the actual conclusion. Sometimes Scorpio won't even agree to disagree, although they might pretend to give in. Both partners are not beyond using emotional manipulation to get revenge. It's important for these partners to discuss what is truly important to them so they can reach an equitable compromise. Once Scorpio and Cancer learn to trust one another and believe in each other, they are a pair that can achieve almost anything through sheer determination. The relationship will only fail if the two partners truly cannot overcome their opinionated, stubborn sides.
The best aspect of the Cancer-Scorpio relationship is their powerful teamwork when they agree on their goals. When Cancer realizes that Scorpio is there for the long haul and that the partnership is emotionally productive, this relationship can blossom. Their mutual determination makes theirs a relationship of formidable strength.live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Compatibility
I retrieved the following from a website about horoscope compatibility. I would say that this sums up my relationship with B.
Scorpio + Cancer Water + Water = Deluge When people are born under the same element, they generally feel comfortable with and attracted to each other. You and Cancer fall into this category, as both of you are water signs. Astrologically, Cancer is one of your best matches by far.You are both sensitive, emotional and caring, but Cancer’s way of expressing love is very different from yours. Your love is demanding, and asks a lot more in return than Cancer can give. Cancer will feel they’re showering you with love and kisses, but somehow it’s never enough. You have to make them feel precious if you want the relationship to work.Cancer will handle your possessiveness better than most signs, because they are a pretty adaptable member of the zodiac, but you’ll have to learn to curb your desire to dominate sensitive Cancer with your unrealistic demands, both practical and emotional. You do tend to use that power of yours to gain your own ends. Although Scorpio and Cancer are well suited elementally, there are differences sexually. You are driven by the purely sensual and sexual aspects of a relationship. You need a lot more passion than Cancer. Cancer needs love and bonding before they can express unbridled passion. Cancer will find you a sort of ‘cause’ they can dedicate themselves to emotionally. Although your strength is off-putting to some signs, Cancer tends to be able to connect directly with your soul. This can unnerve you, but at the same time endear them to you. You’ll have a long and loving relationship with them if you open up your heart. Cancers born between 4 July and 13 July also have a strong attraction for you — and to you. They will easily satisfy your complex needs. Both of you will be immediately drawn to each other, and your magnetic and sexual compatibility will be evident from the start.live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Feeling Down
Now I am feeling depressed. I have very low energy, very little motivation, very little focus.... I just feel like I don't care. I was planning a bbq tomorrow night at my house. I don't want to do it. I could not find enough energy to clean the bbq or house for it. I am feeling so sad.
I have been very self relfective. I have learned that I always have to be right - this is a very ugly quality. It is not compassionate nor understanding. I am self righteous. I am obnoxious becuase of this. I have lost this amazing man becuase of my temper and my need to be right. I feel sick because of it.
B wrote me an email responding to mine. He agreed to meet with me when he comes to town. I think the only thing holding me together right is the hope that he and I will work this through and stay together. That this whole break-up was just us having a really big ugly fight.
I love him and I am not ready to let him go.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Hollywood Delusion
I must watch too many hollywood movies. Becuase I want the happy ending. I see in my mind the ending of us meeting when he flies through Vancouver on May 13th. That we will talk, we will share, we will communicate and we will see that we love each other and becuase we love each other we can make this work.
Am I just super naive to think Love is enough to make it work?
I don't just fall in love with men. B was super special to me.
I want our relationship to work. I want us to stay together. I want us to be happy and flourish.
Yet, there is a part of me that has to be prepared that he will not want to meet with me, that he will not want to talk with me. Or, that if he does talk with me, then he will not want to make our relationship work. Or, worse, he will tell me that he no longer loves me.
I sent him an email yesturday. It said:
Hey B
I respect your decision to terminate our relationship. Let's meet when you fly
through Vancouver on the 13th and speak to each other face to face.
I love you too. I also want you and I to be happy.
Best,
U
I only sent it when I felt that I would be able to accept a no response or a no to us meeting.
I should be working.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Wanting to get back together
Today I am feeling sad. I was feeling good for a couple of days then I went to Yoga last night and it reminded me of B and I felt sad.
I really feel liked I fucked up the best man who I have ever been with. I feel sick about this. I am in this thought process that I may not meet someone better. That that was my chance and I fucked it.
I am still fluxuating between being upset with how I was being treated in the relationship, as well as, who I ultimately became - which was a nasty, angry person.
Not one person is telling me to give it a second go. This is hard to hear. Becuase just 10 days ago we were perfect for each other and now we are not.
I have the new puppy - now called Link - who is helping me focus on something else. However, I am really bummed out. Just lethargic, not doing my hair, not doing my make-up, not cleaning my house.
I really am not wanting to move on. I really want to give B another go. I just don't think it is worth giving up on someone because they fucked up - this is for him and I. I do believe that we both fucked up in this relationship.
However, for me it is more important that I learn my lessons from this, that I grow, and I that I understand where I am repelling men.
I need to let go of what B needs to learn from this. It does not concern me - he will either choose to learn or not choose.
I think the fuck up for both of us is our communication. We both take on these extreme masculine and femine roles in our communication. We need help. The fact that he used email to end our relationship shows the lack of communication we have.
I still love him and I want us to resolve this issue and stay together.
I don't want to tell anyone how I feel because no one is really supportive of the relationship. This is sad. That should tell me something right there.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Yuck with Me
Wah. wah. wah. Oh, I just read my last blog and it is soooooo melodramitic!!
Argh. It actually embarrassing. Can you sense all the neediness and victim in it?!
I am feeling fine today. Really.
I am coming to a clear understanding and I am listening to people and what they are saying. There are a lot of wise people in my life..... hmmmmmm... If only I could be as wise.
Really, with me, the problem is that I am soooo intense. I loved B with all of me.... but it was such a new experience for me that it just got out of control and weird. I asked him for help back in March. I don't understand how to be in love and in a relationship. I really need a lot of guidance and support. I was hoping he could help me.... but it was too much for him.
He does want me to be happy. But, I am this crazy intense person who can be too hard too please. A nightmare girlfriend. No wonder he dumped my sorry ass.
Yuck! Yuck! I don't want to be that person so how do I not be that person? How do I avoid it?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
