New Territory - the fifth date
Here I am in new territory. I have successfully made it pass the fourth date with the latest man in my life.
I should be thrilled, celebrating, planning a wedding.... but instead I am scared shitless. I have no idea what to do, how to behave, what to say.... I am at a total lost.
I realized the other night that I have mastered dating. I am so comfortable in a date situation. The first and second date is my stomping ground. Get me to the fifth date... well, I have not been here in 2 years. And, this is only my fourth time in the past 3.5 years.
This guy I am dating, well, he has mastered relationships. He has had two 7 year relationships and one four year. He has lived with three woman.
He seems more comfortable than me with this status of being past the fourth date.
I have been calling for coaching about twice a week.
I am so nervous.. He is coming over now. This will be about our 8th time hanging out in three weeks..... Yikes.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
New
For a couple of years I have been desiring a relationship. I have been wanting this and focussing on this to different degrees at different times.
Here I am, I have been single for 7 years. Yes, 7 years! I am a virgin at relationships. I have no idea, not a fucking clue, what a relationship is. Everything I think a relationship is I have made up.
Remember when you were a virgin? I do. I remember feeling like I was missing something in life... something that everyone else knew about except me. It was a big deal. I wanted to lose my virginity so that I would no longer be left out. That I would be a part of knowing.... knowing what the big deal was all about.
I lost my virginity when I was 16. Seemed like a good age. I think when I was nearing my 17th Birthday I started getting somewhat desperate to meet someone to fuck. Because being a 17 year old virgin was bad, very bad. 17 was too old to be a virigin.
I was with a really nice guy. We had some really fantastic make-out sessions. Then on Thanks Giving night, a couple of weeks before my 17th Birthday, we had sex. It was not bad. It was fun and enjoyable. But, I definately walked away with the feeling of - that was weird, this is sex? This is what all the fuss is about?!
Of course, it was not until I older, gained more experience that sex became great and it finally became that big fuss.
Now, here I am nearing 30. I am weeks away. I am having the absolutely the best sex I have ever had in my entire life. Wow! Truly Wow! I am intimate with this absolutely amazing man. Truly Amazing! Sex is no longer this mystery, but relationships are.
I am beginning to realize the relationships I have been fiddling with these past 7 years all share in common that they were either short or extremely short. But, they also share in common an uncomfortableness. It was two people who were interested in each other, but there was something missing. A knowing, a comfort, a sharing, a humanism, deep intimacy of body, soul and emotions.
I am now seeing this man and it takes on this strange new experience for me. With him, I suddenly realise that I know nothing. That I am totally clueless. And, I realized that I am very scared.
I cover my fear with anxiety, anger and isolation. But, he has this way of drawing me closer. Of protecting me, of giving me a safe place, of making me feel secure.
He is different. He sees my insecurities, my fears, my anger, my weakness and he still is attracted to me. He does not always want to have sex with me. He will stroke me and hold me for an entire evening. When a few days before we shared unbelievable sex.... truly the BEST.
This is quite possibly a new path for me. And, I feel so uncomfortable with this newness, yet, I have never felt so comfortable.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
