Transitioning from early 20's to late 20's
There is still a part of me that wants to believe in the idea of "getting swept off of my feet", of "Love at First Sight" and "you just know". However, my experience is that these are urban legends.
I have not experienced any of these as I am still single. There have been moments where I thought I had met my soul-mate, and the time we were together was the beginning of our lifetime together, and only the continuation of our previous lifetimes together. However, not one of these relationships worked out.... so does lasting Love at First Sight exist?
In these relationships where I believed that I had met my soul-mate and it does not work out... it shuts a part of me down. I went on intuition and my intuition was wrong. In the past few years, very often I have been the one who was left behind. This hurts. I feel like I have reached my limit of rejection. And, now I am very guarded and cautious with men. So much so, that I have lost all my spontaneity and exuberance which was such a huge part of why people were attracted to me before.
I feel like an empty soul when it comes to dating. I absolutely have very little trust in men. In fact, I even doubt if men are truly capable of love.... only because here I sit at 29 totally and absolutely single. I do not have a lot of experience in relationships, but I do have abundant experience in being rejected by men whom I once believed in the possibility that they were my soul-mate.
I know that in order to create my ideal relationship I have to think positively. I understand that I am the creator of all of my relationship experiences. I understand that it is because of my lack of trust that I attract men who are untrustworthy. I understand that I have to take responsibility for these experiences. Regardless, I still experience pain. I see many unconscious people who are in loving and full relationships, so of course I am confused as to why love avoids me.
The one thing I want more than anything else in life right now is a partner and a best friend who is also my lover. I want to sit with someone and dream about life and to share life experiences. I want to laugh about the past and to be together in the present, and to know that we will be together in the future. Instead, I have only myself to remember my life and to plan my life.
I got dumped a week ago by a Doctor whom I have known for awhile. We have an amazing connection. Our conversations went on forever; we had a great time together. He was the first man in so long that I felt I could talk with and be myself with. But, he did not want to be with me. He has chosen instead to return to his ex-girlfriend, Felicia, who he was with for 4 years. They broke up 3 years ago because she really wanted to get married and have children. He could not decide if he wanted her to be the mother of his children, he was not ready to make a life-long commitment to her. He was unable to make a commitment to her during the last year of their relationship so he broke-up with her.
Within 6 months of their break-up Felicia created exactly what she wanted. She was engaged to be married to a Kiwi and pregnant. Her and her new fiancé moved to
It was all good until she changed her mind. She contacted her ex-boyfriend, the Doctor, 6 months ago. Felicia stated that she made a mistake, and she was in fact still in love with him, that she wanted to leave her Kiwi man, aka the father of her child, to return to her original love, aka the Doctor.
The Doctor responded by saying that he did not want to be the cause of her break-up with the father of her child and that she should give it all that she had..... A good response.... except, he did not say "No". He opened the door for her to return back to him.
So a few months ago, he starts asking me out. And, we are dating. Due to my mistrust of men, I did no fully welcome him into my life and nor did he try too hard. I had also come to the conclusion that despite our "connection" he was really just not that into me.
So last week, he gives me the scoop. His ex-girlfriend, Felicia, is back in town with her child and without the father of her child. And, the Doctor informed me, despite making moves on me, such as putting his arm around me, holding my hand, kissing me and asking me out... that he is unable to continue a relationship with me because he is considering returning to his ex.
So I got dumped because after 7 years of knowing his ex-girlfriend, he is still undecided as to whether or not he wants to have children with her. And, he is considering becoming an instant father to her current child.
Here I am a woman with no baggage.... I may have trust issues, but I do not have baggage. I am also a woman whom he gets along with very well. And, he has opted to return to an old pattern that has not been working for him for 7 years.
This is why I do not trust men. Why bother having a connection if the connection is not honoured and respected. I feel that I have these connections with men, yet, it is so easy for them to disregard the connection and dismiss it. This hurts, and this contributes to me withdrawing a little bit more.
I also feel like I have reached my breaking up limit. I feel unable to go through one more break-up. I have gone through more break-ups than most people can even imagine. So of course, there is a part of me that is a little fucked up.
Now, as I get older, approaching 30, there is a whole new fresh crop of early 20's women who have not yet experienced the pain of repeated difficult experiences in dating and sex, so they are fresh and open to men. I was once one of those women, now.... I am cautious and closed.
posted by Lady Leisure @ 7:10 AM
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