Love Stuck

Random Thoughts

Modern marriage is similar to a business partnership. Women use to focus on being beautiful and take care of the house. These days, we must be beautiful, have careers, hobbies, take care of our man and be the sexy bombshell.

The courtship battle. Men court the female - placing themselves in a vulnerable - they create a space for the woman to let her guard her down and to begin trusting him a little more. The man then takes this opportunity to take the power of the relationship back by pulling away from the female.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 7:15 AM 0 comments

Battle for Power

New form of feminism - must be total sex bomb and independently successful and liberated.

The old ideas of courting can make you vulnerable - like playing hockey without a helmut. Once the man thinks he has you a bit, he withdraws to gain the power back.

In Mars Venus, this withdrawing is referred to the man going into his cave. However, at the beginning of a courtship, I personally do not believe a man needs to go into his cave if he is only seeing you once maybe twice a week. So I believe there has to be another reason for this withdrawing.

In the past 6 weeks, I have spoken to Alejandro, Jamie & Justin. In their conversations with me, they all used the word power. I think this is interesting, because I do not believe a woman considers this idea of Power when she is getting to know a man. When I am dating a man, I am thinking romantic thoughts and dreamy feelings. I am not even considering that there is a power struggle occurring.

What I have learned this week, is that men perceive the beginning of a relationship as a battle for power. Perhaps, even the whole relationship.

So, I have been approaching relationships with this idea of romance and sharing. Men may also be approaching with these ideas in mind, but they also bring power into it.

I did not have sex with Alejandro. When we had our break-up conversation, he said to me that I withheld sex for power.

I was absolutely shocked and livid when he said this. I did not have sex with him becuase he did not turn me on enough. Literally. I could not get juiced up enough to have sex with him. But, he blamed me, and decided I wanted the power in the relationship and I thought that by with holding sex that I would gain power.

My perspective is different. We had one hot and heavy night, I was into him. Then he withdrew. I did not hear from him for a few days - he was evasive. I thought, at the time, for the first couple of days, that he withdrew because he was feeling insecure about his small peanus. He later told me, that he withdrew because he needed space. But, by the time he came back from his little space break, I had lost my lust and excitement for him. I instead felt disappointed and I withdrew.

Alejandro was not able to get me excited again, because, I believe, that he thought he already had me because we almost had sex. He came to expect that I would want to have sex with him because we came so close to having it earlier. But, I needed him to romance me and seduce me again by giving me attention. He did not step up to the plate again and I lost interest in him.

Alex and I had sex once. It was hot and heavy and lust and needing and grasping. My girly parts were screaming for him.

Alex is hot and cold in his communications with me. After, a cold period, I need him to heat me up again. To apply the same passion of courtship that he was using before we had sex for the first time. His perspective, when I hesitated to have sex was "We have already had sex, why don't you want it again?"

I understand his perspective and I needed his reassurance. If I had sex with him again, will he withdraw again? It is his withdrawal for the days post the intimacy and vulnerability of sex that I need his reassurance the most. So when he needs space or becomes out of communication post sex, it throws me into a tizzy of insecurity.

My mind starts racing - I start questioning my physical body, what I said, how I smelled, tasted, everything. I can nearly become hysterical because I start believing that my vulnerability, intimacy and trust has been taken advantage of by someone who I believed I really like. I feel mislead and lied to. So I start to withdraw. I begin eliminating him from my life. By deleting his texts, phone messages, emails then all of his contact information.

I begin to think he just wanted sex, got it, then moves on. This story I tell myself hurts and confuses me. If he just wanted sex, then why would he say all those sweet things and do those nice things. Why would he put any effort into it?

So how do I get over this hurdle?

I can become calmer and more patience and accept this process. Is there anything else I can do?




live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 6:17 AM 0 comments

Funerals

Today I went to the my second funeral of 2010. A friend's dad. It was Christian base and I was bored in the church. Please, when I die, do not have any long religious chats at my service.

I did a double yoga class this morning. Ran into Jamie + Kate at second class. Jamie and I went for coffee and oatmeal at Wicked Cafe afterwards and had a long deep intimate talk.

I am wanting to learn about myself and who I am being perceived as by those people around me. Dr. Jeff told me yesterday in our session that he sees me as someone who comes off as objectifying others and using them according to what they can offer me. A pretty strong reflection. Is it true? Yes, there are elements to it that are true. It was hard to hear it.

But, regardless of whether it is true or not, the upsetting part is that someone perceives me as this.

I don't think I am playing the game of life right now. I am struggling and confused and unsure. I am stuck and insecure about taking a new step. I am hiding. I want to be a recluse and avoid.

Ling told me tonight that I have no choice when it comes to dating, if I don't keep picking myself an continuing then I will just be a spinster. True. This scares me.

I am reaching a place where I want a relationship because I do not want to be on my own. Is this bad? I am feeling alone and I have been on my own for a long time. But right now I want intimacy and closeness.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 2:03 PM 0 comments

Hey Alex

Hey Alex,

I hope you survived your week of meetings and buying houses and waking up in the middle of night stressed out about buying houses.

I wanted to share with you that I have really enjoyed my time with you – Whistler was awesome and all the other little things. You make me happy.

In my life right now I am taking a time out to self reflect. This is not the easiest thing for me to do as I have been in an over achiever mode for a few years. It is great to pause, breath and reflect but in order for change to occur I feel it is important for me to take responsibility for who I have been being.

I have big walls around me. I am not accustomed to allowing myself to be relaxed and more freely expressed around men I am not familiar with.

You told me that you were seeing a counsellor for being a bad communicator. I am also seeing a counsellor. I have not considered myself a bad communicator – however, I am.

I believe that communication is key to a healthy relationship. If two people have good communication then they can pretty much work through anything. I am learning that a key part of good communication is honesty, openness, vulnerability and this automatically says that there is a sense of trust. When a person puts themselves in a vulnerable position they are saying I trust you or that I trust you will honour my thoughts, my feelings.

It is challenging for me to be vulnerable because it is hard for me to trust.

I hold myself back from sharing my intimate thoughts and dreams with others. I am afraid of the rejection. Somehow, I have come to believe that hiding myself will protect me.

People do not make it to our age without their relationships scars. We all have them. Perhaps, that is why it is easier to date younger people – they seem to have less scars.

I have scars and insecurities. They are there. I wish they were not. I know that I present myself as a surface person with no depth – and this is not me. I am at a point in my life where I am looking for someone to share my life with because I want to have kids and I want to experience being a mother and a wife. I want this.

I am a good person who has created an interesting path for myself – and it has not been all roses. I do have my struggles. It is these struggles which have contributed to the construction of my walls but also to my strength, will power, and endurance. I have always been an individual who wants to understand this human experience and it is my intrigue with life that has led me in so many different directions.

These past few months have been difficult for me. I have learned that I want my relationships with my friends and family to be a priority in my life. I want to be there for others. I have been pouring all my energy into my store. Ultimately, this has drained me and I feel I am missing out on creating stronger relationships with the people I love. And the impact is that I am steering myself away from people.

I know that I am on the cusp of change. I know that I am at a point where I need to take a major leap of faith into my future. I am closing a chapter and I am scared.

I appreciate my time with you and I wanted to apologize for allowing my walls and fear to intercept my honesty.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 10:39 AM 0 comments

Empathetic

I saw my therapist this morning. A man about 40. I have been holding everything in. It gushes out with him.

I want to move - run from this life. A mother fighting a cancer, a sister with a mental disability, another sister with a husband and 2 kid who does not work, a failing business, minimal friends, lost in a big city, single. I am in my early 30's and I am on the brink of having nothing.

I am scared.

I have anger.

I am alone.

Dr. Jeff suggested to me that I objectify people in my life. I group them in categories. Then I view and approach and them from these categories. Therapist, Employee, Customer, Friend, Man, Lover. I do not let my guard down to be vulnerable or compassionate with people.

Why?

To protect myself? Perhaps. Probably.

Why?

So I don't get hurt. My walls are high and thick, made of brick, steel, and lucite. Yes, they can keep people out but they also keep me in. Guarded. Protected. Alone.

I sit here and make plans to make myself even more guarded and protected. Practically a recluse.

Dr. Jeff said I run around trying to do what I think I am suppose to do. It exhausts me. So when something does not happen the way I think it should happen then I get disappointed and angry.

I think to myself, all the things I did right, so when he does not call.... I get angry. And I think about everything I did. Then I blame him, instead of being empathetic. I don't listen to him. I am not vulnerable with him. I am not kind.

Obviously this is father issues.

My father is always positive. Rarely shows anger but then will burst about small insignificant things. Buff was always positive.

I am afraid to be myself. I have feel like I have been rejected so much. That I am petrified to admit that I want to have kids. Scared.

I am scared about saying I want kids becuase this is why Buff says he broke up with me. I feel that men will group me as desperate for babies and stay away. I feel like I have to be this good time girl all the time around men.

Empathetic.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 3:25 AM 0 comments

Confused

The thing that sucks about me right now is that I have no concept of what is going on in my life right now.

I like Alex – but he is hot and cold. He does the sweetest things followed up with zero contact for a few days. Then another sweet thing; then nothing.

Does he like me but he is a terrible communicator?

Does he just enjoy sleeping with me, but he has another girl on the horizon?

Does he not like me but is being friendly because that is just how he is?

Is he just not into me?

Does he have a girlfriend?

I don’t have any idea what is going on. I am just confused and this yo-yo with my heart is upsetting for me as it rips opens deep scars that are not fully healed. So I pull away in order to protect myself.

Then I ask myself the question, is this why he is being the way he is because he is also pulling away?

Does this make me psycho to think he may actually like me but is equally scared. Is this psychotic?

I have zero confidence when it comes to men. I have little stabbings and break-ups every month. Then I have had the big break-ups where the pain is always right there – so close to the surface..

I hurt.

I feel alone right now.

My married girlfriends are married and enjoying their lives. They get to plan their future with someone. Think about and have babies. Wear diamonds and sometimes not even work. They don’t invite me over to watch hockey games or to the pub for burgers when they all go.

My single girlfriends, will come when I ask them out. But, I am noticing that I am getting very few invitations by them. At the end of the day, they tend to be shitty wind ladies and treat it all like a competition. I feel like I don’t trust them around the men I like/am dating/have dated/would like to date. These girls want to prove that they can get him too.

My single guy friends are either trying to fuck me, or we tried and it didn’t work.

My guy friends in relationships are not allowed to hang out with me because their lady gets upsets.

So this all leaves me alone. Feeling lonely.

Alex is just too busy to call or to see me. He sends me random texts days apart. We are not friends on FB and we just started emailing yesterday. But, was he just buttering me up so he could get the photos from Whistler Friday Riding Day?

I don’t know. I just know that I am confused and hurting and alone.

It is time for me to change my life. But I don’t know how. I am in a rut and stuck.

Dear God,

I want to share my life experience with someone. I want to feel reassured and comforted. I want to share respect and trust. I want to say what my boundaries are without fear of being mis-interpreted. I want to meet that special someone for me. I want to have kids and be a lady of leisure. I want to experience it all . I am ready. Please, god and my guardian angels, it is time, I have waited, I have been tested, I have been patient. I know it is time for me to meet someone.. Please have this happen soon with fluidity and love and excitement and confidence. I am ready to share my life with someone. Please.

Thank you.

U

posted by Lady Leisure @ 7:44 AM 0 comments

Spinning stories in my Head

I like Alex.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 1:47 PM 0 comments