Love Stuck

Patterns and Projections

I saw the Yoga Teacher this evening... I could have avoided the whole event, as it was a Holiday Party which was not 100% necessary for me to attend. But, I thought that if I backed out it would be bad form... it would show I was hurt and angry.

I have not had the most flowing friendship with the Yoga Teacher in public as we were not friends for months. I gave it my best. We shared conversations with others, we laughed over kamut and raw food salad. I ducked out to leave... he caught me at the door, which I sort of did want to occur, yet, I was not entirely satisfied with our interaction at this point either.

He wants everything to be great between us. He wants it to be as if we took a vacation together and had a great vacation, and we came back from the vacation. Now we have shared the wonderful, pleasant experience of the vacation.

My pattern does not leave very much space for the smiling buddy, buddy friends who just got back from vacation. My pattern has me analyzing what went wrong. Why did I get rejected?

The Yoga Teacher believes that I make my own rejections, that in fact I am not getting rejected, that I am doing the rejecting.

The Yoga Teacher told me last night that I need to not be so cautious and to just jump into love with someone. This I consider a hypocritical statement coming from him. As I had actually allowed myself - for 7 days - to believe that there was a possibility that I could fall in love with him. He, however, had other plans.

His pattern with me is to get close, share something special, have an amazing connection, and then pull out. When he pulls out, he cites the reason of needing and wanting to focus on his music and band for the next 5 years.

I get the focus on one's passion thing. I am also focused on my passions. I was not trying to deter one from their passions. Yet, I feel that he makes the projections on me that this is what I am doing..... My devious plan is to fall in love and steal him from his focus.

I feel that we had strong potential to be in love... it was really incredible when we were together. But, he made a choice - two times - to not fall in love with me.

This is where I get hurt. This is where I start getting emotional. Why do he and every other man I have dated not want to fall in love with me? What is so terrible about me, that it causes me to be unlovable?

Last night, after our fucking session, the Yoga Teacher suggested that I become a Lesbian or date men in their early 40's.

Let me understand this... I should be become a carpet muncher because my desire to be in a loving, supported and trusting with relationship with a man is unrealistic?

I should date men in their early 40's because they are the only ones who are truly ready to settle down for a life-long partnership - or, half-life partnership. The Yoga Teacher stated that all men in their twenties and thirties are not ready for relationships because they have not accomplished what they need to accomplish in order to feel like a whole man.

He also said that I go for men who do not want to be in relationships. Which just boggles my mind, because I did not chase him, nor did I chase the Doctor, nor did I chase the Financial Advisor, nor did I chase the Chef.... these men pursued me. Then they get my attention, I start to become interested.... then boom... they pull out.

One thing that the Yoga Teacher did nail me for was my pattern of choosing to be angry with men after the relationship is over. I do get angry. I do get hurt. I feel the desire to pull away from them.

Men seem to not want to be in a relationship with me, but they say they do want to be friends with me. My experience has been that being a friend does not necessarily work after one has fucked, or dated, or had a love affair with. That it can feel forced and awkward. I feel that when someone says that they want to be friends, which they are trying to appease the situation in that moment. Perhaps, they are not authentically wanting to be friends, they just want to feel good right now by saying they do want to be friends. I have given the "friend" thing a chance in the past, and what I have learned is, that being a friend after a break-up is being a low-priority friend.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 4:41 PM