Love Stuck

Man. Woman.

Man.

Woman.

Are our behaviour patterns pre-determined according to our sex?

Do women naturally become needy, emotional, and monogamous?

Do men naturally fear relationships and intimacy?

What if you have two people who have the characteristics of the opposite sex to start.... but, then when the relationship is deepened they slip into their pre-determined own sex habits.

Jesse definitely has feminine qualities. I definitely have masculine qualities.

I do get attached through sexual intimacy... I know that I do. I am very open about this habit in myself. Jesse knew this.

Jesse wants the sex, he wants to have sex with only one person at a time, he wants to hang out with me, but he does not want to be my "boyfriend". Ten months ago, I knew this. Recently, I was not fully aware of this until Wednesday Evening.

When a discontinuation of a relationship or a break occurs in my life, I need time to digest this. I generally choose not to be friends with the men. Jesse knew this.

Yet, we discontinued our relationship. Yet, he has expectations that I handle this break in his style which is very happy and go-lucky. Last night, he got frustrated with me because I was not ready to instantly be friends with him.

I feel that if he needs us to authentically be friends. Then he needs to help me with this. He needs to work with me on this. It might not be easy.

I feel that this relationship has been very controlled by him. He chooses not to have me be his girlfriend, and he chooses me to be his friend and to celebrate our one week love affair like a vacation.

Where is my input?

Jesse stated to me that I am not actually being rejected by all of these men, but that I am actually creating this rejection. My question to him, is that I, in fact, reject him?

Did Jesse feel anything when we had sex? Was it special for him?

This is where I shut down after break-ups. I feel like I open up with somebody, I share something about myself, and then I get rejected. So I have a fear that the piece of me I shared intimately was not good enough, it was judged and deemed not what they want.

How do I break this pattern?

I was not having sex with men, because I was waiting for the right man to come along. No one came. I felt no intimacy in my life, and I craved this shared moment. I got the shared moment, but, he didn't want more.

I feel like I just keep losing. I just want to meet a psychic and I want to know when this is going to end. This impendent life and search for a partner. When is it going to be my turn to fall in love with someone who wants to also fall in love with me?

What really upsets me about this situation with Jesse is that I am single again. For one week, there was a possibility that someone wanted to share a loving relationship with me.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 3:26 PM