Saturday, December 10, 2005

Backtrack to October 30th, 2005

I am having funny feelings these days.

The message over and over again is to accept myself.

Who am I?

I am jaded and cold these days. But, is that who I am?

Am I jaded and destroyed. Or, are these just the fear which is not real.

Sometimes I do powerful, and usually only when I am stoned.

I feel powerful tonight.
I can choose who I want to be.
I want to be tough and strong. I do not want to depend on a man to get something completed.

How do I attract a man – a successful man – and also be more powerful than him.

Powerful men like powerful women. Men do not want a woman who are groveling and weak.

(Now I am tripping out and feel that the last statement is just my ego). Let me write from a place of love.

What are successful men attracted to?

What am I attracted to? What qualities do I want in a man, in my partner?

  1. I want him to be strong.
  2. I want him to be a free spirit.
  3. I want him to be able to relax and have a really great time all the time.
  4. I want him to be disciplined and to chase his dreams.
  5. I want him to be laid back and easy going.
  6. I want him to be healthy.
  7. I want him to be authentic and loving.
  8. I want him to spoil me with gifts and treats.
  9. I want him to look at me so deeply that I can feel him in me.
  10. I want him to have only eyes for me.
  11. I want him to be unique and amazing.
  12. I want him to be the best in what he does.
  13. I want him to love the outdoors and the city.
  14. I want him to desire me to be the mother of his children.
  15. I want him to love me even if I get fat.
  16. I want him to fly me away to exotic weekends.
  17. I want him to have style.
  18. I want him to take me shopping.
  19. I want him to pull stray hairs off of me.
  20. I want him to see me.
  21. I want him to understand him.
  22. I want him to be my absolute best friend.
  23. I want him to be bigger than me.
  24. I never want to cry over him.
  25. I want him to be filled with absolute love and respect and gratitude for me.
  26. I want an absolute soul mate.
  27. I want to feel as if I want to live forever and eternity just because I am so in love and so blown away by him.

It is time for me to meet him. It is now my 29th year and it is time. I thank the universe for the experience of being single, but I would now like a new experience. I want to experience love. I want to feel the abundance from love. I want to feel only love. I want to open myself up to all the love which exists. I no longer want to feel the solitude, disappointment and apathy from not feeling love.

Not just the love of a lover, but the love of the universe, of god, and of all that exists.

I want to feel love. I want it.

I just went for a drive in the rain to the new house on 24th avenue. It dawned on me that I have been totally selfish and self-absorbed for the past several months….. maybe, a year.

So, basically, because I am so self-absorbed, I am totally unaware of what is happening around me. I am totally unconscious. I am sucking people’s energy because I need so much attention. I suck – no pun intended. I am being so needy. That sucks, that is not the image I want to give off to people.

I don’t want to be fucking needy. I want to be strong and interdependent – more like the Angelina Jolie personality. She is like a lioness – totally in control. That is what I want to be – powerful.

I just have to believe that I am powerful. I have to feel the love to feel the power. I can totally do it. I can attract and draw people by my power. People are curious. They want to know, they want more information.

I want to live with conviction in my life. I want to be brave and I want to pursue my goals. I do not want to grovel. I do not want to be weak.

I want to be strong; I want to be a leader. I want to influence people. I want to draw crowds. I want people to know who I am.

Wow. I want to be great.

I want to attract abundance to me. I want to be abundant. I want to attract positive things.

I want to be a free spirit.

It is power to listen. One gains knowledge by listening.

Women talk a lot. We can babble and babble. The amount that we can talk continuously can give the power to the man. We are leaking information and they gain this information.

To help keep men interested it is important to not get paranoid, to not talk about stuff that is not happening.

Okay with the Doctor, I imagine us having a conversation about why he is just not that into me.

What I am now realizing is that it is best if I never have that conversation with Lawrence. Because then I am giving him information. I just remain silent and still about this whole matter. And, then he never knows what I thought about any of it.

So being quiet and listening is strength.

Wow, I need to do this.

Writing is powerful. Reading is powerful. Being with myself is powerful. I want to create this space for me. I want to rebuild and be strong and loving.

I am successful.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 3:59 PM

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