Love Stuck

Dumped by Email

I just got an email from the man I was totally in love. He broke up with me in the email. I received the email Friday morning. We had not spoken since Tuesday afternoon.

We are doing long distance. We got in an argument on the phone. I actually got in the argument. I was very upset. I said a lot of things. Some were nasty, but most were honest.

I love this man and when I love someone I want to give. I love to give. I have been feeling for awhile that he was not giving as much as I needed. I have been feeling that our entire relationship was on his terms.

He has a demanding work schedule. In the summer and falls he works in the film industry. In the winters he teaches avalanches courses and does heli guiding. When we saw each other was based on his work schedule and then when he could he made time for me.

He was very good making time for me. He did spend a lot of his time off with me. This is true. However, he was vague when communicating with me about when his time off was. I was often left waiting until the last minute to learn if we were going to see each other or not.

Women do not function well if we do not have concrete plans. We, women, like to have something to look forward too. Having plans makes us feel good and confident. When we do not have plans to look forward to we feel unsure and insecure.

He kept telling me that we would do the long distance for the Winter season and we would see what happens. In March I was in Nelson visiting him. I was there for 5 days and it was the first time I had seen him in 6 weeks.

I was in love (and I still do love him - thus making the break-up very confusing and devasting). I suppose I am naive when it comes to love. I believe in the fairytale - that if you love someone then you want to be with them - that you will do what it takes so you can be with that person.

Buff, he does not believe in this. He may love me. However, he always did what he wanted to do - he made all of the decisions. Then if the relationship was to work, I had to accept his decisions. I felt like I was constantly bending towards him to accomodate his needs - mostly based on his work schedule and the regenerating time he needed in Nelson.

I felt that come Spring - when he finally had time off - that he and I could finally spend time together. Take a vacation, he could come to Vancouver, I could go to Nelson, we could talk on the phone every day - that the Spring was an obvious time for us to create a strong foundation for our love.

Well, when I was in Nelson in March not only did he introduce as his "friend" a few times, but he also told people that he was going to be in Nelson for the Spring working on his bathroom. This is how I found out that he had no intention of coming to Vancouver to be with me. He did not open a conversation with me where we both had equal say and shared the decision making - he TOLD me what we would be doing.

I think I was in shock at the time, plus I wanted to be the good girlfriend, I did not want to rock the boat. So I said nothing - I accepted what Buff wanted - I guess becuase I was in love with him and I wanted him to accept me.

So to make a long story just a little shorter. We spoke at the beginning of April. At that time Buff agreed to spend 2 weeks in Nelson, then 2 weeks in Vancouver or with me. I requested of him that he start being a strong presence in my life or he could not be in life. It was too hard for me to continue to have this invisible boyfriend. I want someone who wants to be in my life and who wants to do things for me to show me that they love me. Buff agreed.

We had the first dinner with my parents. He even told my parents at dinner that he was going to spend 2 weeks in Nelson and then 2 weeks in Vancouver. When he told my parents, it made it official for me.

So the argument that we had on Tuesday was me getting mad at him for breaking his word to me.

I called him Tuesday morning. In that conversation he told me that he was leaving for Greenland the next day. So once again he TOLD me what was happening and I had to accept in order to be in a relationship.

My anger about this situation is not about him going to Greenland. It is about how he communicates it to me. He just tells me. He does not attempt at all to make me feel involved in the decision making process. Now, understand that by going to Greenland, he has cancelled his plans with me. So, he does not call me up with a better plan for the two of us. He does not say to me, "hey, how about we go to London on the 13th for a week. " I would say, "Hey, wow, sure that sounds like fun!" Then he would say, "Oh, by the way I am going to Greenland tomorrow for 2.5 weeks." I would be open to his travel to Greenland becuase he would be giving something really amazing to look forward too - a trip to London and time alone with him.

So, I was mad on Tuesday. And, yes, I do admit that I behaved inappropriately. I wanted to be loving and accepting of his plans, but it hurt me so deep that he so easily cancels his time with me. That he so easily dismisses me. And that he does not understand why I am so hurt.

I felt on Tuesday that he did not love me. I felt that I could not trust him - that he says he is going to see me or he says he is going to call me - but then he does not. I am left hanging. There are a few times where I have rearranged my work schedule - making time off to see him and then he cancels. I said to him on Tuesday that his word means nothing to me becuase he has lost his integrity with me.

I said some really bad things. All I wanted him to do was hold me, kiss me and tell me that he loves me. But, we are 9 hours away from each other. There is no touching, no kissing, no feeling. We only have the phone and computers to communicate. But, when you say you are going to call and then you don't - that is equal to breaking a date in a long distance relationship. He did this several times, or he would call several hours after he stated he would call.

So we got off the phone. I called him Tuesday night on his land line and cell phone. I really wanted to talk to him in the evening when I was not at work. He did not call. I was hurt.

I called him Wednesday before his flight left. He did not answer. Instead I got an email from him breaking up with me on Friday morning.

I am so devasted. I am stuck between knowing that if he is so cowardly that he has to break up with me in an email then he really is not the strong person who makes himself out to be. However, I do love him, and a part of me feels that this whole thing is a big fat miscommunication and we just need to talk with each other face to face in a calm manner to sort this through.

Essentially I feel hurt. Really hurt and I am in disbelief.

As a friend said last night, if he is going to bolt after an argument then he is not worth being in a relationship.

Another friend emailed me this:

"He broke up with an email?? After 9 months???

I don't even know what to say, except I'm really sorry you're in pain. And to focus on getting clear about what really matters to you. To me, breaking up with someone after that long in an email after ignoring prepeated phone messages is a sign (a really big sign) that perhaps he didn't have the stuff you were looking for. There's a lot more to being a man than navigating avalanche country."

I am going to go get a dog now.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 2:00 AM