Love Stuck

More than words

So I am feeling sad and out of sorts. Lost between loving him and not loving him.

I fluctuate between anger, hurt, sorrow and joy.

I sometimes cry so hard I cannot see and other times I am numb.

I am lucky. I have so many friends who have reached out to me and want to be with me and want to show me that I am special and loved. They are making a point to spend time with me.

I want to see Buff face to face again. I think it is important for us to have a conversation. I just really do not understand how he broke up with me in an email.

I loved him so much. I really believed that he and I would last the distance. I am really surprised that he bailed.

But, then I am not. He has shown me that he is selfish. It is time to finally start working on my schedule and focussing on my wants - and he bailed. It shows he cannot give fully of himself to a female partner.

And "partner" is the wrong word to use with him. He does not want a "partner", he wants a woman who has nothing going on in her life and will wait around for him.

Two of his previous girlfriends left because they wanted to pursue other things other than being in Nelson waiting for Buff to return from his work trips. And, one girlfriend cheated on him. He does not know how to be a giving attentive partner all the time.

When I was with him, he definately had 100% of his attention on me. But, it occurs to me that as soon as he was out of sight, he gets so focussed on whatever is in front of him, that he would sort of forget about me. Hence, the reason he would not call when he said he would, or would make other plans thus cancelling our plans. He would just forget about me. This did not mean that he did not love me. I am sure that he loved me, but by just forgetting me, he was not showing me that he loved me.

It is like the song from the 90's:

Saying I love you

Is not the words I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you

Not to say, but if you only knew

How easy it would be to show me how you feel

More than words is all you have to do to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand

All you have to do is close your eyes

And just reach out your hands and touch me

Hold me close don't ever let me go

More than words is all I ever needed you to show

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 2:43 AM