Love Stuck

Foolish Woman

I have made a commitment to my coach to do some journaling this week. I can't remember what about.....

Oh, yes, I have decided to relax more and go with the flow. To just pretend I am still on vacation and not to fight or resist what is happening.

How is that going for me. Ok.

Yesturday, one of my jewellery designers, whom I have decided not to carry anymore, had many, many, many words to say to me. She was not interested in hearing what I had to say. I just decided to let her talk, listen and then not to defend myself - to not try and be right.

This is probably my biggest issue. This need to be right all the time. I guess I have a sense of righteousness. B called me controlling and arrogant - in his most loving tone back when we were happy.

I am still blown off course, on how a relationship can go from being so fantastic to so horrible so quickly.

I am having intense feelings of insecurities. I think I have developed a social anxiety. I have tiny little freak outs when going to parties. I am feeling like a failure and I am feeling extremely embarrassed by it.

I am feeling like a failure over being single at 31. I view this as atrocious. And I think one of the things I am mad at myself about is not keeping my mouth shut. I do believe right now, that it would have been better if I had sucked it up and demanded less. I should have been more satisfied and not put so much emphasis on what makes me happy in a relationship and try to understand more about what makes B happy. And perhaps, that is what really matters - what makes the man happy. I somehow feel that what I needed to be happy in the relationship had some irrelevance to B. I thought it was so important, but it is one of the things that blew us apart from each other.

It made B happy to not have to talk to me every day. It made B happy to live in a different city than me. It made B to have a flirtatious relationship with another woman outside of our relationship. It made B happy to ignore me when he was mad with me. It made B happy to not want to have kids with me or marry me.

I was a foolish woman to put the demands on him to call me and not to cheat on me. Just silly really.

I am feeling totally lost in this world of men and women. Do men really want to get married? I am under the impression that men do not want children - that they are not biologically designed to desire children. Nor, are they biologically designed to sleep with only one woman or to get married.

Why do I bother. I should just accept that I am less person and therefore, I should put up with all of this shit thrown towards me without fighting it or resisting it.

I want to not feel anymore. To not feel my anger or my sadness or my anxiety. I am willing to give up my highs for this. I just want to feel even and steady and balanced. No more emotions - good or bad.

Don't they have drugs for this? I need some of those.

Am I depressed. It is possible. I feel like a worthless person.

B's father raped his daughters and beat his kids - even causing a permanent mental disability to one daughter. B does not talk to his father. So when B did not talk to me - I relate this that he views me as a person equal to his father in character.

I think this is why I am feeling so much anxiety - that people know I am a dysfunctional personal - that it is only me that does not know. I feel like a horrible, horrible person. I am scared to talk to people or to get close because they will discover that I am terrible and crazy.

I know that I am not suppose to place so much of my self esteem and self thought on what one other person thinks of me. But, this one other person, really was the person that I loved the most. And, he totally just threw me away because I got upset one day.

I want to be swallowed up and to disappear.

I am drinking a drink every day. I almost need the liqour to feel better about myself. This is a new thing for me. I did not drink really at all in my twenties. I was confident and happy.

I want to run away from myself. To hide. To disappear. To leave everything.

I am wrecked. I am really sad. I am really scared.



live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 5:58 AM