I just met with Ian - my intuitive coach - he says I am done purging and now it is time to create. But first, I must clarify what I want.
What am I wanting in a man? B is an amazing person - no question. It was really easy and fun for me to want to be with him, to visualize us together. He is a great guy with a great lifestyle and he knows what he wants in life. I admire this solidity in making your dreams come true. Unfortunately, I was not a part of his plans. He is a 49 year old bachelor who wants the girlfriend but not the commitment. It hurt like hell to realize this.
So here I am starting fresh.
What do I want?
I want to have a place in Vancouver and a place in a ski town. I want land next to water. A wooded piece of land which I build my house on. A place that you can only reach by boat, plane or helicopter ( B had this and I miss this part of him so much).
Ah, it is like I just get stuck. I love B and it is challenging for me to walk away. But, it really is done. If he wanted to be with him he could have made an effort.... but, he just goes and does his stuff. I am turning into a bitter and nagging girl and I hate it. I do not feel like a woman with him. It is like I am a little girl with little girl emotions which she cannot control.
Then I have to ask myself, is the enjoyment of enjoying his land worth all the days he does not call me, all the weeks we do not see each, the wall he has when upset, the lack of communication, the sensual text messages from Natasha.
Did I over react? This is a question I ask myself all the time. Am I too sensitive? Too demanding? Too immature? Too accusing?
I do miss him. I do love him.
But, then the other side of the coin is that our relationship has become unhealthy. Making us both unhappy and acting out.
How do people get through this stuff?
posted by Lady Leisure @ 12:30 PM
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