Love Stuck

Bike

Hey Buff,

As I mentioned, it was unexpectedly difficult for me to see Keith this week. It has brought up so many thoughts and questions for me. If it was this hard for me to see Keith, it is going to be ridiculously hard for me to see you and I don't think it is a good idea. Which is why I want to know why you are so keen on buying this bike for me.

I just don't understand why you want to buy me this bike?

If there is any part of you that is wanting to do this out of guilt, then don't do it. I do not want a gift which is heavy in guilt energy. It takes the enjoyment of giving and recieving a gift away.

If you are feeling guilty, an apology or recognituion of what you are feeling is far more valuable than a material object.

A bike is not going to eliminate the guilt or pain either of us are feeling.

Also, if you buy me this bike, am I going to have to see you? I really don't know if I am ready for that. I would rather not have the bike if it means I have to see you to pick it up.

Are you wanting to pay me back for the hotel in Hakuba? So you reckon a bike is a good way to call it even? If this is the case, just send me a cheque and let's avoid the shenanagins around the bike.


I have been incredibly naive in my life in regards to love. I really believed in the idea that I would meet someone, fall in love with them and vice versa. I also really want to share my life with someone and I really want to be a strong part of someone else's life. And eventually to create a shared life together, building dreams and creating a wonderful balance of he and I.

I am feeling disappointed in myself this week. I am feeling like I a failure. I feel immature and young. I just feel really stupid.

During our relationship, I really doubted myself, and I was scared. Part of these emotions were due to the struggle I was experiencing with my business. As I mentioned on the phone; last year, I was so incredbily scared and freaked out. I do understand that this had a huge negative impact on our relationship. I apologize for this. I know that you were always there for me with encouraging words. When we were together, you always provided a shoulder for me to cry on, a good meal and a beautiful hug.

Also, part of my fear and doubt also came from our relationship. I really needed to feel loved. I loved you so much, more than I have loved any other man in my life. I was willing to sell myself short in the short term, becuase I truly believed that one day we would be able to spend more time together. Because we were not together in the present, I did look to the future, I needed an ideal, a goal, a dream to carry me through the hard periods of not being with you. I feel now that you did not see me in your future at all - I was just a temporary girlfriend for you, someone who would always be at a distance because I was too busy in my life to relocate for you.

I know now that I need to physically spend time with the man I love. And I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and not avoid it or dread it or make reasons as to why it cannot work.








live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 1:19 PM