I am lovable.
Everyone is telling me that I need to appreciate more where I am at in life..... It is such a strong message that I am not hearing. How do I appreciate where I am at?
It is true that I constantly have a feeling of not being successfully. That I am not making enough money, that I am not pretty enough, that I am not thin enough, that my breasts are not big enough, that my legs are not muscular enough, that I am not stylish enough.... that essentially I am not enough.
Ian (my intuitive healer) nailed it this week. He told me that I have this feeling of being unlovable. It is true. It is this feeling that just rips me apart. That I am not lovable.
It has absolutely broken my heart to break up with B. I guess that I needed this in order to clarify what I want in my life in a relationship. I was putting too much pressure on him to be the everything for me. Then when he could not do it, I was disappointed and I cracked.
I love him. Yes, I made many faults in our relationship. But, I need a man who is going to still love and accept me regardless of the errors I make. I want to feel accepted and loved.
B left me with this feeling of I did not do enough for him. That I should have done more for him - for us. That I am unlovable because I am too difficult, too demanding, too selfish, too inexperienced, too immature, too strong, too much crying. Too much of all this stuff that he did not want.
Am I ready to find someone else? I am doing plenty of fish and Lava Life. Lots of interesting men. It actually seems difficult to find someone becuase there are so many. But, I do not feel ready to date. I am not sure what to do. I am not sure that I am ready to open my heart to someone again. I feel hardened.
But, it seems like this is the way life goes. That it is almost a requirement to have your heart broken in order to be ready for a relationship. That is the way. That you have to suffer through all of this heart ache in order to be clear about what you want and order to clear about what you can give and what your boundaries are.
So here I am - now 31. And single again. Was my time with B a growing experience which is going to make me ready for the man whom I am going to spend my life with.
What I have learned?
Respect. Patience. Giving. Receiving. Love.
What is important for me?
Adventure. Drive. Success. Happiness. Communication. Commitment. Security. Stability. Compromise. Acceptance. Support.
I do feel ready for a relationship. I do feel that I will take things more slowly. That I will not just give everything I have immediately. I was a romantic. I truly believed that I would meet someone, fall crazy in love and have an amazing romantic relationship with tons of love.
Yet, it did not work at all like that.
I fell in love. And he could not give me what I wanted. B wanted to take things slow. I did not want. And he was able to give me as much as he could. But, I am (was) an intense indivual. So I now just feel stupid - like a dumb little girl - who just believed a stupid little fantasy about falling in love.
Maybe, I have anger management problems. I have difficulty controlling my anger. I wish I was more Zen. I think this is why B could not be with me... or this is what he led me to believe the problem was.
But, there were so many challenges in our relationship. First of all we both worked really hard. When we did spend time together - we were tired. We went into a Heros Watching Marathon in the fall instead of talking with each other. Ya, okay perhaps that is sad and disconnecting.
Plus, we were in a long distance relationship. Which has its challenges. A lot. I have so much to say about this. I do know that I am no longer attracted to men who have the exotic feeling of being from somewhere else. I need a guy who lives here.
Plus, we had an 18 year age difference. We are at different places in our lives. He is preparing for retirement and I am heading into my hardworking years. No, let be more clear, he is preparing for retirement and he works like a dog.
I am 5'10 and he is 5'5. After having a rebound with a guy about 6'3, I did realize that I like tall men. B was strong and so hot and so sexy, but I felt so small and sexy with the taller guy.
Plus, I really believe that B needs to communicate more. Yes, I do have communication issues. But, I want to learn to be a better communicator.
I want a man who can support me financially. Okay, I know that is the worse thing to say in this day and age. But, I do. I am being totally honest. I do not want to be the breadwinner and I do not want to be in a house where need a double income for survival. Where, if we were to have kids then I would have to work full time and raise kids. Ouch. Sounds too hard. I am really not sure that I could do that.
I have a new office and I am just hiding out in it right now. There is no one here and it feels so good. I am so tired of being around people all of the time. I need some alone time.
I think I may be crazy sometimes.
I feel that some good anti-depresants may help me a bit. I wish I was more even - less emotional. I am the one who is taking myself away from groups of people.
I am unlovable.!
Yikes, here it is.
My feelings of being unlovable.
So I isolate myself from people becuase I am scared of people discovering my BIG secret of being unlovable. It is this fear which stops me from achieving what I want in my life.
So what I will do is hide out in this office. I need to manifest money.
I am a great manifestor. This is very true about me.
So I am going to manifest money. So I am going to manifest more customers. I am going to manifest higher sales and transactions. I am manifesting happy people around me.
I do think that my sales are directly linked to my feelings. So if I am feeling down, then my sales are down. This week I have been feeling down - about B. Blah.
And sales were really low this week. I need to feel higher and to feel totally fall of love.
How about getting a tattoo on my wrist which says Lovable. Or just love.
You are lovable.
Something silly to just remind myself of what I am.
Ian told me to take my mind off of all of these small things... these small things which hold me back from manifesting love and money.
Yes, I want love and money.
Tila Tequila is great at communicating. I really wish I could communicate more like her. Instead I am just this angry bitch who does not listen.
How can I manifest money and love if I am just not communicating and not clear.
So I want to listen more. I want to give off of the impression that I am happier. I want to be more positively expressed.
Aysen's cheque bounced this week. Yikes. I had to transfer the money today - $300 - from my house's mortgage account to the business account to insure there would be enough money for her cheque.
I have not gotten paid yet. I manifest money for my trip and to pay all of my bills.
I want to be more like Tila Tequila. Wow, did I really just type that. Well, she is cute and bright and successful and positive and clear with her communication.
I respect this about her.
I want to be a cute little positive success who is great at communicating.
Success and money and love.
Is it too much to want it all?
I have learned a lot from B. I am closer to having what I want. It may take a little bit more of time. But, I can have an amazing man. I really can.
I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable.
posted by Lady Leisure @ 2:55 PM
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