• I do the GROUSE GRIND 2 Times • I practice YOGA 5 Times a Week • I snowboard one time • I eat salads minimum once a day • I eat veggies + fruits for snacks (not chips + chocolate bars) • I update my iPod once a week • I enrol for Kiteboarding Lessons for May or June • I enrol for a Yoga intensive weekend for June • I visit with a friend every day • I kiss a man minimum once a week • I give my number to a man once a week • I go on a date twice a week • I jog two times a week • I plant flowers + Seeds • I change Lightbulb in my Bedroom • I change Light bulbs in my dining room • I clean my bathroom twice • I clean my kitchen twice • I mop + sweep twice • I blog about dating 4 times a week • I see Hot Tub Time Machine • I watch Hockey Games with Friends • • I finish Jan – March 2010 GST • I finish Oct – Dec 2009 GST • I finish July – Sept 2009 GST • I finish Employee Witholdings • I pay PST • I update my website 4 times a week • I finish the schedule • I order the clock Necklaces • I order the Fringe Necklaces • I order Hilliard Design • I order a new Card Company in • I Sell 4 Hammock Chairs • I change the Crystal Light Bulb in Store
with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
The idea I have been exploring in my Twitter this week is Men approaching sex as if they are in a porn. Is it appropriate for a man to come in a women's face the first time you have sex or not have sex. And flipping the woman over for doggy styles seems to becoming a common trend. Anal probing seems to also be an immediate thing to hit - nipple, clitoris, vagina, anus. These have become the immediate erogenous zones - they are really the obvious spots.
What has happened to seducing a woman with romance?
Even though men can hit all my hot spots and make all of the right actions with his hands and tongue - none of this has given me a good orgasm in the past several months. With Alejandro I kind of thought that I was having a sexual disfunction. I honestly felt like I lost my vagina. It just disappeared and I could not, for the love of god, locate it when I was with him.
Lubricants also seem to be making a big appearance in sex these days. I understand why people would opt to use lubricant. But, really, if I am not all juiced up and slippery naturally then perhaps HE has not turned me on enough. And, if this is the case, why would I allow him to take a short cut to lube to get me ready instead of working to arouse me naturally.
Everyone is in a hurry these days and wants the quick fix and the immediate result without, perhaps, the work.
Dr. Marta Meana claims that when it comes to sex, what women really want is to be wanted. "Being desired is the real orgasm," she says.
"I'm not knocking orgasms," she says. "But being desired is extremely arousing for women. The reason for that is that being desired means that a man doesn't just want to have sex. He wants to have sex with you."
I think there is an incredible amount of truth to this statement. I really just want to know that man I am with wants to have sex with me. For the past several months, I have not had one male partner that has made me feel truly special in that moment with him.
A friend suggested to me tonight that perhaps I was sleeping with these men too quickly and yes, this seems to be the logical answer.
My defense is this.
Paul, knew each other for 2 years, flirting and dating for 4 weeks before we had sex.
Alejandro, has been pursuing me for 3.5 years, we kissed on and off for 2 months before we had sex. I lost my vagina with him, he used the lube and then came in my hair. None of it was good.
Alex, we had great hook-ups and conversations. We were in regular contact for two weeks. Then we had one great night of fucking - he did flip me over. We went for a round two the next morning, I was already bored, because he was pulling out the exact same moves, he used the night before in the same order.
Ultimately, none of these men left me with the feeling that they really desired me. I did not feel special with any of them. And I really did not want to have sex with them again without more connection. I think in each of these cases we were connecting until we had sex. Then once, we had sex, the disconnect started.
What is this disconnect and how do we overcome it?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I just went for a walk with Justin - a single male in his early 30's. I asked him about his porn consumption. He watches every couple of days or essentially when he gets horny.
I then asked him about coming in the face. He seemed a little shocked at that idea.
I asked him about doggy style the first time you have sex. He said it depends on the sex - is it rough or not. Generally he allows her to lead the first few times he has sex with her. Then he likes to take more control. I like this idea and I agree with it.
I think it is important to allow the female to set the boundaries at first. Then one you feel you have reached a certain level, I would love the man to take power of the sex. But, it can be a turn off if a man just starts setting the pace of sex for the first few times.
Justin also felt that it made more sense from a legal stand point to allow her to take control the first few times. Lol. He is a lawyer.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I am seriously considering driving around BC and to major cities across Canada to seek a place where men are responsible, generous, wanting to pursue and wanting commitment.
It has to be better than what is available in Vancouver. I know too many single, beautiful and fabulous women in their mid-30's and early 40's in this city. And I just feel that if I stay here then this will also be my destiny.
I want to share my life, get married and raise a family with someone.
What are your recommendations? What towns and cities are best for men in this country?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
There is one thing I am convinced of. I am convinced that if I stay in Vancouver then I will stay single.
The men in this city are not men. They are spoiled, juvenile guys who are self-absorbed and arrogant. They think the way to get a girl is to think about themselves, talk about themselves, pay 1/2, not to confirm plans for a date because something better may happen, to tell me how busy they are, how active their social life is, what properties that have bought, what car they own, how much they earn, how they got around paying full taxes, when they work out and pretty much anything that is all about them.
They have forgotten chivalry. They only time they open my car door for me is when they need to walk around the car to fart once I am inside. They may pick up the tab but it comes with a comment, "Next time you get it," or "You drove." They can't even pick up the fucking tab anymore without an excuse or letting me know not to get use to it.
Then you must think, just as I do, that this guy is just not into me. I get home from another lame date or I wait a few days and no word from them, so I begin deleting.
I have turned deleting into an art form. Not only do I delete his name from my address book, I delete my call list and my text list. If we emailed, then I delete all his incoming emails, all my outgoing, all drafts, and then I empty the trash. Even if he is not a friend on Facebook, don't just delete him, block him. I love Blocking. This is a great feature from Facebook and I highly recommend you use it.
After experiencing these self-absorbed men, who forgot the art of pursuing, and have engaged in a lame interaction of I- am-cool-and-you-should-want-me-so-here-I-am-and-there-is-another-girl-right-behind-you-so-don't-get-comfortable. By now, we have all read and watched, He's Just Not that Into You. We have now been retrained to understand that if a guy is being a dick, then he is a dick. So why do I tolerate this bad behaviour for a month or two?
When I first met Alex, it was sweet and enduring and fun. I felt sexy and happy. Then it turned into a weird, awkward, bleh, situation. I have been deleting him from my life once a week for a month now. Yet, he somehow has endured these deletions because he will email, text or drop my store. He redeems himself. He'll ask me snowboarding but not for dinner. He will ask me to a movie with 12 of his friends but not alone. He will come by my store and bring me lunch, but he will only give himself time for a 6 minute hello.
I am left with total confusion. Does he like?! Really?! It is hard to believe because in one regard his actions seem sincere and sweet. But, he can be so self-absorbed when he does these things.
For example, he came by my store on Wednesday for 10 minutes and he brought me fruit for lunch. Really sweet. But then he proceeded to talk about his taxes and contract with his company and his accountant. Of course, he managed to tell me he earned $72,000 last year and paid $2000 in taxes. So, is he trying to impress me with how much he earned? Because, I would be much more impressed by him if he planned and paid for a special date for he and I.
The amount of money he earns, his BMW, his Ford Truck, and Porsche mean nothing to me if he doesn't ask me about me. I don't care that he bought a fourth house last week, wants to buy a sailboat next week and retire in a few months if he doesn't take the time to kiss me or call me. None of his accomplishments or the size of his bank account or the amount of his assets have any value to me if he is being a douche bag. These 'things' that he wants me to know about him are worthless in my mind if he doesn't man up when it comes to being romantic with me and showing me he cares for me.
So my dilemma is bachelors in their early 30's seem as if they are out to prove themselves t women by showing off their assets but not by being respectful and chivalrous. And I am bored.
I have dated a millionaire. The lifestyle was fantastic. I loved it but I didn't love him. I decided that having an authentic connection was more important to me than having the million. So here I have put myself out there for this authentic connection and I repeatedly meet men who are more concerned about their money then they are about authentically connecting.
Yes, I want to feel taken care of emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. Yes, I would love to be able to relax and not worry about paying bills and scraping along. But, once again, I will state, when I am with a man, regardless of how much money he has, I want him to focus on me.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.ll
Watching 'Lost'. Daniel Whitmore asks Hume, "do you believe in Love at first sight?"
Then Daniel proceeds to talk about the red haired beauty with blue eyes. As Hume seeks out Penny.
My friend Monique asked me tonight if I had faith.
I don't know anymore. I did have it. But, now at 33 years, it is gone. I have experienced repeated disappointments during the past years. I just don't know if I have it in me any more to keep believing, to keep picking myself up after more disappointments. I am sad and exhausted from dating in this city - dating which never leads to anything of substance.
Yet, I know that if I want to experience marriage and kids that I do not have time to mourn these disappointments. I have to pick myself up and continue to put the smile on my face and be a happy and strong person.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I have downloaded new music to my iPod. In the process of cleaning my house. Reading Mars + Venus on a Date and The 4 Hour Work Week. Sunny but wind storm warning. Heading to Tracy's Yoga Class at 2:30. I am focussing on myself.
Alex has texted me every day since the Alice in Wonderland debacle. He asked me to go snowboarding today but he had to cancel because of work. He came by my store yesterday and brought me fruit. Super sweet - a good recovery.
But, then, I guess I get too sucked in and I sent him a casual email last night asking if he wanted to watch Hot Tub Time Machine. He responded within an hour with "I can't. I am drowning my sorrows in wine tonight."
Then we take a couple of steps back. Just a solid no. I was not even asking with a specific time or date in mind. Just asking. I knew as soon as I sent the email that it was a mistake. But, I felt confident. He came by my work - he must be interested. Right?
He just says No with not alternatives as to another time or something that may work better. Just no.
So is he a terrible communicator or just terribly inconsiderate or terribly rude or terrible not interested in me? Or all?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Tonight I bought Mars and Venus on a date. Someone snitched my copy. I have been without it for 2 years. I have only read a few pages and I already feel better.
Alex sent me an email asking to go snowboarding this week. I am not sure how I feel. I need to read more of the book before I respond.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Thursday day I went up to Whistler for the day with Alex.We had a great day and great conditions; however no intimacy between Alex and I.One point at lunch, I said that we should make out.He responded with, you just put lip gloss on and where?It killed my mood.
Mis-communications seem to happen continuously for the rest of the day and into the evening of mushrooms, Alice in Wonderland 3D.It peaked in a moment where I thought he was communicating to me that he had another date joining him that he preferred to sit next to.It was strange and weird.I sat elsewhere between Ling + Mark.Alex snapped a little and surprised that I “isolated” myself + did not save him 2 seats.
It is too much work for me.I want fun, trust, respect, consistency, generosity, sharing and sex.
No more games.No more hot + cold.No more atrocious communication.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Kenny, 34 years old and a recent transfer to Toronto from Vancouver, said men in Vancouver are self-absorbed.
Self-absorbed.
Hmmmmm. I believe that this is a spot on statement. I have been dating men my age, in their early 30’s for a year now. I have consistently been experiencing the same re-occurring theme with them. At first they appear interested and we connect on a friend level and sexually. Usually after our first intense sexual connection they pull away – they take space.
Then when they return, our dynamics have shifted. We seem to have lost our friend connection and suddenly we enter this awkward world of dating. Bleh. Yuck.
I have blamed myself for this awkwardness. Does my head start swimming in expectations or rules?
Maybe.
But, this idea of self-absorbed interests me.
Let’s talk Alex. He is the most recent guy I have been seeing. The first times I met him, he spoke openly about wanting a relationship, wanting to share his life, wanting to get married and wanting kids. Now, he talks about himself, his goals, his accomplishments, his life, his ideas and himself. This is great except he does not seem interested in wanting to hear about me or what I want. I also feel prohibited in sharing that I also want to meet a partner and share my life, get married, have kids. Once I say the same things, I feel men start touching me with giant tongs to hold me at a distance because I have somehow transformed into a needy, desperate woman who only wants to meet men to get married and have babies because my biological clock is ticking.
Which is not true. I want to have regular sex. I want to wake up in someone’s arms and share life’s experience with someone.
On Thursday night I was annoyed with Alex. Like really annoyed. He communicates nothing to me and I feel that I am left in a situation where I am to guess what is happening or to assume I am meant to be next to him. I feel like my position is that of a cute puppy with no voice but to follow Alex around on his whims.
I feel confused by this. I am so accustomed to being an independent that I don’t know how to just follow someone else around. I am burdened by the need for communication. I am so confused when there is no or little communication. It throws me into a flurry of thoughts.
Are men in their early 30’s self-absorbed? I feel like they are focussed on selling themselves to me instead of getting to know me. Alex tells me all about himself, but I don’t even know if he has even told me in this last month one compliment to me. He does not say I am pretty or I am good snowboard or anything.
It leaves me feeling disconnected from him and wondering if he has any real interest in me.
Maybe I am just a complainer and no man will ever be good enough for me.
Modern marriage is similar to a business partnership. Women use to focus on being beautiful and take care of the house. These days, we must be beautiful, have careers, hobbies, take care of our man and be the sexy bombshell.
The courtship battle. Men court the female - placing themselves in a vulnerable - they create a space for the woman to let her guard her down and to begin trusting him a little more. The man then takes this opportunity to take the power of the relationship back by pulling away from the female.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
New form of feminism - must be total sex bomb and independently successful and liberated.
The old ideas of courting can make you vulnerable - like playing hockey without a helmut. Once the man thinks he has you a bit, he withdraws to gain the power back.
In Mars Venus, this withdrawing is referred to the man going into his cave. However, at the beginning of a courtship, I personally do not believe a man needs to go into his cave if he is only seeing you once maybe twice a week. So I believe there has to be another reason for this withdrawing.
In the past 6 weeks, I have spoken to Alejandro, Jamie & Justin. In their conversations with me, they all used the word power. I think this is interesting, because I do not believe a woman considers this idea of Power when she is getting to know a man. When I am dating a man, I am thinking romantic thoughts and dreamy feelings. I am not even considering that there is a power struggle occurring.
What I have learned this week, is that men perceive the beginning of a relationship as a battle for power. Perhaps, even the whole relationship.
So, I have been approaching relationships with this idea of romance and sharing. Men may also be approaching with these ideas in mind, but they also bring power into it.
I did not have sex with Alejandro. When we had our break-up conversation, he said to me that I withheld sex for power.
I was absolutely shocked and livid when he said this. I did not have sex with him becuase he did not turn me on enough. Literally. I could not get juiced up enough to have sex with him. But, he blamed me, and decided I wanted the power in the relationship and I thought that by with holding sex that I would gain power.
My perspective is different. We had one hot and heavy night, I was into him. Then he withdrew. I did not hear from him for a few days - he was evasive. I thought, at the time, for the first couple of days, that he withdrew because he was feeling insecure about his small peanus. He later told me, that he withdrew because he needed space. But, by the time he came back from his little space break, I had lost my lust and excitement for him. I instead felt disappointed and I withdrew.
Alejandro was not able to get me excited again, because, I believe, that he thought he already had me because we almost had sex. He came to expect that I would want to have sex with him because we came so close to having it earlier. But, I needed him to romance me and seduce me again by giving me attention. He did not step up to the plate again and I lost interest in him.
Alex and I had sex once. It was hot and heavy and lust and needing and grasping. My girly parts were screaming for him.
Alex is hot and cold in his communications with me. After, a cold period, I need him to heat me up again. To apply the same passion of courtship that he was using before we had sex for the first time. His perspective, when I hesitated to have sex was "We have already had sex, why don't you want it again?"
I understand his perspective and I needed his reassurance. If I had sex with him again, will he withdraw again? It is his withdrawal for the days post the intimacy and vulnerability of sex that I need his reassurance the most. So when he needs space or becomes out of communication post sex, it throws me into a tizzy of insecurity.
My mind starts racing - I start questioning my physical body, what I said, how I smelled, tasted, everything. I can nearly become hysterical because I start believing that my vulnerability, intimacy and trust has been taken advantage of by someone who I believed I really like. I feel mislead and lied to. So I start to withdraw. I begin eliminating him from my life. By deleting his texts, phone messages, emails then all of his contact information.
I begin to think he just wanted sex, got it, then moves on. This story I tell myself hurts and confuses me. If he just wanted sex, then why would he say all those sweet things and do those nice things. Why would he put any effort into it?
So how do I get over this hurdle?
I can become calmer and more patience and accept this process. Is there anything else I can do?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Today I went to the my second funeral of 2010. A friend's dad. It was Christian base and I was bored in the church. Please, when I die, do not have any long religious chats at my service.
I did a double yoga class this morning. Ran into Jamie + Kate at second class. Jamie and I went for coffee and oatmeal at Wicked Cafe afterwards and had a long deep intimate talk.
I am wanting to learn about myself and who I am being perceived as by those people around me. Dr. Jeff told me yesterday in our session that he sees me as someone who comes off as objectifying others and using them according to what they can offer me. A pretty strong reflection. Is it true? Yes, there are elements to it that are true. It was hard to hear it.
But, regardless of whether it is true or not, the upsetting part is that someone perceives me as this.
I don't think I am playing the game of life right now. I am struggling and confused and unsure. I am stuck and insecure about taking a new step. I am hiding. I want to be a recluse and avoid.
Ling told me tonight that I have no choice when it comes to dating, if I don't keep picking myself an continuing then I will just be a spinster. True. This scares me.
I am reaching a place where I want a relationship because I do not want to be on my own. Is this bad? I am feeling alone and I have been on my own for a long time. But right now I want intimacy and closeness.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I hope you survived your week of meetings and buying houses and waking up in the middle of night stressed out about buying houses.
I wanted to share with you that I have really enjoyed my time with you – Whistler was awesome and all the other little things. You make me happy.
In my life right now I am taking a time out to self reflect. This is not the easiest thing for me to do as I have been in an over achiever mode for a few years. It is great to pause, breath and reflect but in order for change to occur I feel it is important for me to take responsibility for who I have been being.
I have big walls around me. I am not accustomed to allowing myself to be relaxed and more freely expressed around men I am not familiar with.
You told me that you were seeing a counsellor for being a bad communicator. I am also seeing a counsellor. I have not considered myself a bad communicator – however, I am.
I believe that communication is key to a healthy relationship. If two people have good communication then they can pretty much work through anything. I am learning that a key part of good communication is honesty, openness, vulnerability and this automatically says that there is a sense of trust. When a person puts themselves in a vulnerable position they are saying I trust you or that I trust you will honour my thoughts, my feelings.
It is challenging for me to be vulnerable because it is hard for me to trust.
I hold myself back from sharing my intimate thoughts and dreams with others. I am afraid of the rejection. Somehow, I have come to believe that hiding myself will protect me.
People do not make it to our age without their relationships scars. We all have them. Perhaps, that is why it is easier to date younger people – they seem to have less scars.
I have scars and insecurities. They are there. I wish they were not. I know that I present myself as a surface person with no depth – and this is not me. I am at a point in my life where I am looking for someone to share my life with because I want to have kids and I want to experience being a mother and a wife. I want this.
I am a good person who has created an interesting path for myself – and it has not been all roses. I do have my struggles. It is these struggles which have contributed to the construction of my walls but also to my strength, will power, and endurance. I have always been an individual who wants to understand this human experience and it is my intrigue with life that has led me in so many different directions.
These past few months have been difficult for me. I have learned that I want my relationships with my friends and family to be a priority in my life. I want to be there for others. I have been pouring all my energy into my store. Ultimately, this has drained me and I feel I am missing out on creating stronger relationships with the people I love. And the impact is that I am steering myself away from people.
I know that I am on the cusp of change. I know that I am at a point where I need to take a major leap of faith into my future. I am closing a chapter and I am scared.
I appreciate my time with you and I wanted to apologize for allowing my walls and fear to intercept my honesty.
I saw my therapist this morning. A man about 40. I have been holding everything in. It gushes out with him.
I want to move - run from this life. A mother fighting a cancer, a sister with a mental disability, another sister with a husband and 2 kid who does not work, a failing business, minimal friends, lost in a big city, single. I am in my early 30's and I am on the brink of having nothing.
I am scared.
I have anger.
I am alone.
Dr. Jeff suggested to me that I objectify people in my life. I group them in categories. Then I view and approach and them from these categories. Therapist, Employee, Customer, Friend, Man, Lover. I do not let my guard down to be vulnerable or compassionate with people.
Why?
To protect myself? Perhaps. Probably.
Why?
So I don't get hurt. My walls are high and thick, made of brick, steel, and lucite. Yes, they can keep people out but they also keep me in. Guarded. Protected. Alone.
I sit here and make plans to make myself even more guarded and protected. Practically a recluse.
Dr. Jeff said I run around trying to do what I think I am suppose to do. It exhausts me. So when something does not happen the way I think it should happen then I get disappointed and angry.
I think to myself, all the things I did right, so when he does not call.... I get angry. And I think about everything I did. Then I blame him, instead of being empathetic. I don't listen to him. I am not vulnerable with him. I am not kind.
Obviously this is father issues.
My father is always positive. Rarely shows anger but then will burst about small insignificant things. Buff was always positive.
I am afraid to be myself. I have feel like I have been rejected so much. That I am petrified to admit that I want to have kids. Scared.
I am scared about saying I want kids becuase this is why Buff says he broke up with me. I feel that men will group me as desperate for babies and stay away. I feel like I have to be this good time girl all the time around men.
Empathetic.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
The thing that sucks about me right now is that I have no concept of what is going on in my life right now.
I like Alex – but he is hot and cold.He does the sweetest things followed up with zero contact for a few days.Then another sweet thing; then nothing.
Does he like me but he is a terrible communicator?
Does he just enjoy sleeping with me, but he has another girl on the horizon?
Does he not like me but is being friendly because that is just how he is?
Is he just not into me?
Does he have a girlfriend?
I don’t have any idea what is going on.I am just confused and this yo-yo with my heart is upsetting for me as it rips opens deep scars that are not fully healed.SoI pull away in order to protect myself.
Then I ask myself the question, is this why he is being the way he is because he is also pulling away?
Does this make me psycho to think he may actually like me but is equally scared.Is this psychotic?
I have zero confidence when it comes to men.I have little stabbings and break-ups every month.Then I have had the big break-ups where the pain is always right there – so close to the surface..
I hurt.
I feel alone right now.
My married girlfriends are married and enjoying their lives.They get to plan their future with someone.Think about and have babies.Wear diamonds and sometimes not even work.They don’t invite me over to watch hockey games or to the pub for burgers when they all go.
My single girlfriends, will come when I ask them out.But, I am noticing that I am getting very few invitations by them.At the end of the day, they tend to be shitty wind ladies and treat it all like a competition.I feel like I don’t trust them around the men I like/am dating/have dated/would like to date.These girls want to prove that they can get him too.
My single guy friends are either trying to fuck me, or we tried and it didn’t work.
My guy friends in relationships are not allowed to hang out with me because their lady gets upsets.
So this all leaves me alone.Feeling lonely.
Alex is just too busy to call or to see me.He sends me random texts days apart.We are not friends on FB and we just started emailing yesterday.But, was he just buttering me up so he could get the photos from Whistler Friday Riding Day?
I don’t know.I just know that I am confused and hurting and alone.
It is time for me to change my life.But I don’t know how.I am in a rut and stuck.
Dear God,
I want to share my life experience with someone.I want to feel reassured and comforted.I want to share respect and trust.I want to say what my boundaries are without fear of being mis-interpreted.I want to meet that special someone for me.I want to have kids and be a lady of leisure.I wantto experience it all .I am ready.Please, god and my guardian angels, it is time, I have waited, I have been tested,I have been patient.I know it is time for me to meet someone..Please have this happen soon with fluidity and love and excitement and confidence.I am ready to share my life with someone.Please.
This triggers deep insecurities in me and I struggle. Which sucks because up until late Saturday night I was golden with liking him. I felt confident and at ease with my feelings for him.
Now, I feel my old negative habits jumping back and preventing me from bringing to fruition the relationship I desire in my life.
Alex has ignited in me an ability to feel free and myself. I have felt until this point no games. Just authenticity.
What happened? Everything that happened is logical and makes sense. But, my head starts spinning with stories which make me think he is behaving in a certain way because he does not like me. Then I react to these stories as if they are true. This is essentially crazy.
My role now is to remember all the things I have enjoyed about my time with him. Not to spin stories in my head based on past experiences. Alex is new in my life.
Sometimes I just don't feel like I belong in this world. I feel like I am not getting something - like there is something that alludes me. I just can't quite get a hand on it all. I am always a little scattered, a little stressed, a little tense. I am ready to just relax. I am ready to enjoy and to leisure.
My ultimate goal in life is to be a Lady of Leisure. Hahaha. It sounds so pretentious and so shallow. But, it is really what I want.
I have pondered a lot over the meaning of Leisure or perhaps, just my interpretation of it. I believe that the primary luxury about leisure-ing is not the activity of it but the time to be able to do it. Time is a luxury.
I want to be able to just spend my time doing exactly what I want.
That is the leisure I seek.
Then how would I spend this leisure time and this is where I get excited. There are so many things I want to experience in this life. My list is ample and dreamy and I want to do it all.
I want to have lifetimes and lifetimes of experience in this one life I have.
And it is time for me to create a new life experience for myself. I am ready for change. I am ready to live a new experience.
This morning Michelle is remembered fondly in all the papers and on the news. Her death is slowly seeping into me.
It is a tough time of year, here we approach a New Year, only a few hours away. We want to celebrate 2009 and all we have accomplished and survive while putting forth new wishes and dreams which we want to have come to fruition in 2010. Then losing someone so close and so special in such a tragic way places a spin on perspective.
What is important? My primary wishes for 2010 is health and family.
Every morning in yoga for my prayer I think of my mother and I want her to be healthy and strong again. I also think of myself and how I really want to meet someone incredibly special who I can share my life with. I have watched my father care for my mother during this difficult time and I am learning a new meaning of marriage and commitment. He has been an incredible support for my family. I want that same strength in a partner for myself.
I have had the bad luck of falling for men who disappear when life gets tough. They have abandoned me when I needed someone who could help. These last two men in my life have taught me that I only have myself in life to depend on. I only have myself to be there for me when life gets tough. Yet, I see my father and I see that he is there for my Mother 24/7. He doesn't get mad, and throw a hissy fit and walk out the door when it gets hard. He stays. And not only does he stay, but he provides a place of warmth, compassion, nurturing and love.
This is what I want. I want a man who not only stays when life is hard but he makes life a better place and he transforms hard times into times of love.
I also leave 2009 having just gotten off the phone with my ex. You know the ex you keep going back to even though they treated you like shit because you have yet to fall in love with someone else. That Ex.
He told me that things most likely would have worked out in our relationship if we had more communication and if he did not run away every time he felt upset or challenged. No Shit Sherlock. Thank you for waking up 2 years later.
My mom has cancer, a friend died, I have no NY Plans, my floors are dirty, my ex apologizes, my other ex stood me up over Christmas, a Z List local movie star got car jacked with her car crashing into the local media station, where they had her carjacking headlining right above the jacked car, Tiger is a Cheetah, my Mackage jacket I ordered online won't be here for another week, inventory tomorrow, I bite my nails - and this is how I leave 2009 - the single digits.
I am entering a new year, a new decade, double digits and teens. It is a full moon and a blue moon on the last day of the year.
Life feels random and mixed up right now.
This morning I had a great yoga class in the morning at 7am. A 20 minute sauna after in the infra-red sauna, I showered with my new Christmas Occitane Travel Shampoo and Apres-Shamoo (which confuses me because I keep putting the Apres in my hair first because I read the word shampoo and I don't translate the Apres). I cried in the shower at the public yoga studio. Is that tacky?
Then I drove out of my way to JJBean on Davie & Homer. The tall bearded Emo Barista greated me - which confused me because I've never spoken to the Barrista before. We chatted about how this morning felt like not quite a holiday and not quite a work day type of day. It was quiet.
I went to the Maritime Museum with Link. It was lightly raining today and it was grey. I walk listening to my iPod, Link runs around off leash. We carefully approach a man with two dogs. Then this Boudoir Dog approaches and doesn't listen to the owner calling him. The owner approaches from another direction. His dog attacks my dog. My dog is screaming. I dropped my JJ Bean Latte trying to rescue my dog. Link runs to the witness who is telling the Boudoir Dog Owner to get his dog on a leash. Then I just lose my shit on this guy and I threw my empty Latte Cup at him. WTF!!! Who does that?! What mature adult throws their empty latte cup at the person whose dog attacked their dog at the dog park on the beach in December in Vancouver.
I am left with a relatively good chuckle after this episode.
Then later today there was another dog catastrophe where Bella who was visiting Link at the store. Grabbed his bone and ran and ran and ran into the street. It was a nightmare. She ran across the street in the dark in front of car and Link followed and it was absolutely horrible.
I walked into the store only to be told 2 minutes later on the phone that Michelle Lang died today in a car side bombing in Afghanistan.
It has been almost a year and here I pop on again. Why am I so on and off?
I just joined Twitter. I am single again. Not a big shocker it seems to be my way in life. Just time to really accept. To stop all this resistance to what is.
I wish I had a partner. I wish that I was in love. I wish it, I really do. But I am single and I seem to spend a lot of time single.
I have been to therapy this year. I was absolutely convinced that I had a mental illness. I booked an appointment with the Psychotherapist Doctor purely to get some medication and diagnosis. When I told him why I thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar over a few sessions he concluded that the men in my life were jerks and it was best to let them go.
So where are all of these good guys? Why can't I meet one?
I am not convinced that if I got breast enhanced that this would help increase my chances of meeting Mr. Right. Kind of sick. But, men are sucker for boobs and if it gets more men looking at me and saying 'hi' to me, then I will have more men to choose from.
Right.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I am still in recovery from last night. Now I am not stoned and not feeling all mystical and enlightened it is hard to face the reality of my actions.
I am embarassed. I do need to take responsibilty for what I have done. There are three men in my life whom I have treated unfairly - Buff, Karl and my Dad. They are three men whom I see on a regular basis and know well. Yet, I have so much anger towards them all for different reasons. Why do I think it is okay to get mad at men?
I don't want to be this person. I really want to be better than this. But, I am not becuase I am this anger and projection.
I am going to call Landmark for some coaching right now. I am scared.
No one answered. Maybe, there offices are not opened yet.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Sebastian came. He listened. I am blown away by him. He just happen to call right after I freaked out. We drove to Queen E Park, parked at the top in the new parking lot, we smoked a joint, and then we walked around stoned and talked.
I really think this guy is amazing. It was so nice to have a man just listen.
I am so embarrassed about what happened with K. I need to complete. I think I figured it out. I want to feel safe & secure with a man. I need both to be happy and satisfied.
I really like Sebastian. I just feel so happy with him. We had some awesome converstations tonight. I have not connected like this with a man for a long time.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I have made a commitment to my coach to do some journaling this week. I can't remember what about.....
Oh, yes, I have decided to relax more and go with the flow. To just pretend I am still on vacation and not to fight or resist what is happening.
How is that going for me. Ok.
Yesturday, one of my jewellery designers, whom I have decided not to carry anymore, had many, many, many words to say to me. She was not interested in hearing what I had to say. I just decided to let her talk, listen and then not to defend myself - to not try and be right.
This is probably my biggest issue. This need to be right all the time. I guess I have a sense of righteousness. B called me controlling and arrogant - in his most loving tone back when we were happy.
I am still blown off course, on how a relationship can go from being so fantastic to so horrible so quickly.
I am having intense feelings of insecurities. I think I have developed a social anxiety. I have tiny little freak outs when going to parties. I am feeling like a failure and I am feeling extremely embarrassed by it.
I am feeling like a failure over being single at 31. I view this as atrocious. And I think one of the things I am mad at myself about is not keeping my mouth shut. I do believe right now, that it would have been better if I had sucked it up and demanded less. I should have been more satisfied and not put so much emphasis on what makes me happy in a relationship and try to understand more about what makes B happy. And perhaps, that is what really matters - what makes the man happy. I somehow feel that what I needed to be happy in the relationship had some irrelevance to B. I thought it was so important, but it is one of the things that blew us apart from each other.
It made B happy to not have to talk to me every day. It made B happy to live in a different city than me. It made B to have a flirtatious relationship with another woman outside of our relationship. It made B happy to ignore me when he was mad with me. It made B happy to not want to have kids with me or marry me.
I was a foolish woman to put the demands on him to call me and not to cheat on me. Just silly really.
I am feeling totally lost in this world of men and women. Do men really want to get married? I am under the impression that men do not want children - that they are not biologically designed to desire children. Nor, are they biologically designed to sleep with only one woman or to get married.
Why do I bother. I should just accept that I am less person and therefore, I should put up with all of this shit thrown towards me without fighting it or resisting it.
I want to not feel anymore. To not feel my anger or my sadness or my anxiety. I am willing to give up my highs for this. I just want to feel even and steady and balanced. No more emotions - good or bad.
Don't they have drugs for this? I need some of those.
Am I depressed. It is possible. I feel like a worthless person.
B's father raped his daughters and beat his kids - even causing a permanent mental disability to one daughter. B does not talk to his father. So when B did not talk to me - I relate this that he views me as a person equal to his father in character.
I think this is why I am feeling so much anxiety - that people know I am a dysfunctional personal - that it is only me that does not know. I feel like a horrible, horrible person. I am scared to talk to people or to get close because they will discover that I am terrible and crazy.
I know that I am not suppose to place so much of my self esteem and self thought on what one other person thinks of me. But, this one other person, really was the person that I loved the most. And, he totally just threw me away because I got upset one day.
I want to be swallowed up and to disappear.
I am drinking a drink every day. I almost need the liqour to feel better about myself. This is a new thing for me. I did not drink really at all in my twenties. I was confident and happy.
I want to run away from myself. To hide. To disappear. To leave everything.
I am wrecked. I am really sad. I am really scared.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Everyone is telling me that I need to appreciate more where I am at in life..... It is such a strong message that I am not hearing. How do I appreciate where I am at?
It is true that I constantly have a feeling of not being successfully. That I am not making enough money, that I am not pretty enough, that I am not thin enough, that my breasts are not big enough, that my legs are not muscular enough, that I am not stylish enough.... that essentially I am not enough.
Ian (my intuitive healer) nailed it this week. He told me that I have this feeling of being unlovable. It is true. It is this feeling that just rips me apart. That I am not lovable.
It has absolutely broken my heart to break up with B. I guess that I needed this in order to clarify what I want in my life in a relationship. I was putting too much pressure on him to be the everything for me. Then when he could not do it, I was disappointed and I cracked.
I love him. Yes, I made many faults in our relationship. But, I need a man who is going to still love and accept me regardless of the errors I make. I want to feel accepted and loved.
B left me with this feeling of I did not do enough for him. That I should have done more for him - for us. That I am unlovable because I am too difficult, too demanding, too selfish, too inexperienced, too immature, too strong, too much crying. Too much of all this stuff that he did not want.
Am I ready to find someone else? I am doing plenty of fish and Lava Life. Lots of interesting men. It actually seems difficult to find someone becuase there are so many. But, I do not feel ready to date. I am not sure what to do. I am not sure that I am ready to open my heart to someone again. I feel hardened.
But, it seems like this is the way life goes. That it is almost a requirement to have your heart broken in order to be ready for a relationship. That is the way. That you have to suffer through all of this heart ache in order to be clear about what you want and order to clear about what you can give and what your boundaries are.
So here I am - now 31. And single again. Was my time with B a growing experience which is going to make me ready for the man whom I am going to spend my life with.
I do feel ready for a relationship. I do feel that I will take things more slowly. That I will not just give everything I have immediately. I was a romantic. I truly believed that I would meet someone, fall crazy in love and have an amazing romantic relationship with tons of love.
Yet, it did not work at all like that.
I fell in love. And he could not give me what I wanted. B wanted to take things slow. I did not want. And he was able to give me as much as he could. But, I am (was) an intense indivual. So I now just feel stupid - like a dumb little girl - who just believed a stupid little fantasy about falling in love.
Maybe, I have anger management problems. I have difficulty controlling my anger. I wish I was more Zen. I think this is why B could not be with me... or this is what he led me to believe the problem was.
But, there were so many challenges in our relationship. First of all we both worked really hard. When we did spend time together - we were tired. We went into a Heros Watching Marathon in the fall instead of talking with each other. Ya, okay perhaps that is sad and disconnecting.
Plus, we were in a long distance relationship. Which has its challenges. A lot. I have so much to say about this. I do know that I am no longer attracted to men who have the exotic feeling of being from somewhere else. I need a guy who lives here.
Plus, we had an 18 year age difference. We are at different places in our lives. He is preparing for retirement and I am heading into my hardworking years. No, let be more clear, he is preparing for retirement and he works like a dog.
I am 5'10 and he is 5'5. After having a rebound with a guy about 6'3, I did realize that I like tall men. B was strong and so hot and so sexy, but I felt so small and sexy with the taller guy.
Plus, I really believe that B needs to communicate more. Yes, I do have communication issues. But, I want to learn to be a better communicator.
I want a man who can support me financially. Okay, I know that is the worse thing to say in this day and age. But, I do. I am being totally honest. I do not want to be the breadwinner and I do not want to be in a house where need a double income for survival. Where, if we were to have kids then I would have to work full time and raise kids. Ouch. Sounds too hard. I am really not sure that I could do that.
I have a new office and I am just hiding out in it right now. There is no one here and it feels so good. I am so tired of being around people all of the time. I need some alone time.
I think I may be crazy sometimes.
I feel that some good anti-depresants may help me a bit. I wish I was more even - less emotional. I am the one who is taking myself away from groups of people.
I am unlovable.!
Yikes, here it is.
My feelings of being unlovable.
So I isolate myself from people becuase I am scared of people discovering my BIG secret of being unlovable. It is this fear which stops me from achieving what I want in my life.
So what I will do is hide out in this office. I need to manifest money.
I am a great manifestor. This is very true about me.
So I am going to manifest money. So I am going to manifest more customers. I am going to manifest higher sales and transactions. I am manifesting happy people around me.
I do think that my sales are directly linked to my feelings. So if I am feeling down, then my sales are down. This week I have been feeling down - about B. Blah.
And sales were really low this week. I need to feel higher and to feel totally fall of love.
How about getting a tattoo on my wrist which says Lovable. Or just love.
You are lovable.
Something silly to just remind myself of what I am.
Ian told me to take my mind off of all of these small things... these small things which hold me back from manifesting love and money.
Yes, I want love and money.
Tila Tequila is great at communicating. I really wish I could communicate more like her. Instead I am just this angry bitch who does not listen.
How can I manifest money and love if I am just not communicating and not clear.
So I want to listen more. I want to give off of the impression that I am happier. I want to be more positively expressed.
Aysen's cheque bounced this week. Yikes. I had to transfer the money today - $300 - from my house's mortgage account to the business account to insure there would be enough money for her cheque.
I have not gotten paid yet. I manifest money for my trip and to pay all of my bills.
I want to be more like Tila Tequila. Wow, did I really just type that. Well, she is cute and bright and successful and positive and clear with her communication.
I respect this about her.
I want to be a cute little positive success who is great at communicating.
Success and money and love.
Is it too much to want it all?
I have learned a lot from B. I am closer to having what I want. It may take a little bit more of time. But, I can have an amazing man. I really can.
I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I just created a Lavalife Profile. I am starting to hyperventulate. I am in trouble! Holy Shit. I did fuck it up with B. He is a great guy with some commitment issues. Yikes! I could really just overlook them. Not a big deal really. I promise to never eat Mushroom Risotto again!
Please, I do not want to date online. It scares me and freaks me out way too much.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
What I think I want to write to B but I probably should not.
Buff,
I think you are an amazing person and I am grateful for the time we have spent together. I was extremely happy spending time with you. I understand that we are at different places in our lives. I honestly believed that we would still work regardless of the obstacles - this is the romantic in me and this is the me who believes love is what matters most.
I am sorry that I ordered the mushroom risotto - I did not do it to be rude or to make you upset or hurt you in any way. I am sorry that you felt these things. I was cold from walking around all day in the snow and I wanted a warm and nurturing dish - I believed that the mushroom risotto would help me. I understand now that you were feeling negative things from my action of ordering the risotto.
(Oh my god, as if I am just writing this whole nice apology email about ordering a mushroom risotto?!?!)
I need to start dating. I need to get my mind off of B. Yikes.
I am seeing a psychic tomorrow - maybe this will help me a bit.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I just met with Ian - my intuitive coach - he says I am done purging and now it is time to create. But first, I must clarify what I want.
What am I wanting in a man? B is an amazing person - no question. It was really easy and fun for me to want to be with him, to visualize us together. He is a great guy with a great lifestyle and he knows what he wants in life. I admire this solidity in making your dreams come true. Unfortunately, I was not a part of his plans. He is a 49 year old bachelor who wants the girlfriend but not the commitment. It hurt like hell to realize this.
So here I am starting fresh.
What do I want?
I want to have a place in Vancouver and a place in a ski town. I want land next to water. A wooded piece of land which I build my house on. A place that you can only reach by boat, plane or helicopter ( B had this and I miss this part of him so much).
Ah, it is like I just get stuck. I love B and it is challenging for me to walk away. But, it really is done. If he wanted to be with him he could have made an effort.... but, he just goes and does his stuff. I am turning into a bitter and nagging girl and I hate it. I do not feel like a woman with him. It is like I am a little girl with little girl emotions which she cannot control.
Then I have to ask myself, is the enjoyment of enjoying his land worth all the days he does not call me, all the weeks we do not see each, the wall he has when upset, the lack of communication, the sensual text messages from Natasha.
Did I over react? This is a question I ask myself all the time. Am I too sensitive? Too demanding? Too immature? Too accusing?
I do miss him. I do love him.
But, then the other side of the coin is that our relationship has become unhealthy. Making us both unhappy and acting out.
How do people get through this stuff?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
As I mentioned, it was unexpectedly difficult for me to see Keith this week. It has brought up so many thoughts and questions for me. If it was this hard for me to see Keith, it is going to be ridiculously hard for me to see you and I don't think it is a good idea. Which is why I want to know why you are so keen on buying this bike for me.
I just don't understand why you want to buy me this bike?
If there is any part of you that is wanting to do this out of guilt, then don't do it. I do not want a gift which is heavy in guilt energy. It takes the enjoyment of giving and recieving a gift away.
If you are feeling guilty, an apology or recognituion of what you are feeling is far more valuable than a material object.
A bike is not going to eliminate the guilt or pain either of us are feeling.
Also, if you buy me this bike, am I going to have to see you? I really don't know if I am ready for that. I would rather not have the bike if it means I have to see you to pick it up.
Are you wanting to pay me back for the hotel in Hakuba? So you reckon a bike is a good way to call it even? If this is the case, just send me a cheque and let's avoid the shenanagins around the bike.
I have been incredibly naive in my life in regards to love. I really believed in the idea that I would meet someone, fall in love with them and vice versa. I also really want to share my life with someone and I really want to be a strong part of someone else's life. And eventually to create a shared life together, building dreams and creating a wonderful balance of he and I.
I am feeling disappointed in myself this week. I am feeling like I a failure. I feel immature and young. I just feel really stupid.
During our relationship, I really doubted myself, and I was scared. Part of these emotions were due to the struggle I was experiencing with my business. As I mentioned on the phone; last year, I was so incredbily scared and freaked out. I do understand that this had a huge negative impact on our relationship. I apologize for this. I know that you were always there for me with encouraging words. When we were together, you always provided a shoulder for me to cry on, a good meal and a beautiful hug.
Also, part of my fear and doubt also came from our relationship. I really needed to feel loved. I loved you so much, more than I have loved any other man in my life. I was willing to sell myself short in the short term, becuase I truly believed that one day we would be able to spend more time together. Because we were not together in the present, I did look to the future, I needed an ideal, a goal, a dream to carry me through the hard periods of not being with you. I feel now that you did not see me in your future at all - I was just a temporary girlfriend for you, someone who would always be at a distance because I was too busy in my life to relocate for you.
I know now that I need to physically spend time with the man I love. And I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and not avoid it or dread it or make reasons as to why it cannot work.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I did an Iowaska Ceremony last Saturday. It was good. Very mellow and relaxing. Not at all what I had anticipated it to be like.
I did not purge nor have a bad gut during the ceremony. There was some discomfort but nothing like I had experienced before in Ecuador. I was left the sense that I am constipated in my life. That I have a lot of stuck energy blocking everything.
Since the ceremony I have been focussing on one physical area of my life to purge - to clean, to throw out everything which is not serving me or contributing to my constipation.
Once again B and I are struggling. This is the furthest I have come from him - we have not seen each other since February 4th, in Tokyo. My friend Trent who I did the ceremony with compared me with a crack addict. Like I am just addicted to B and I start to wilt and fall apart when I don't have my fix. It is such a gross comparison and sadly so true. So we made a bet. Everytime I call B for the next two months until June 5th, then I owe Trent a $20 store credit.
I have started a rebound relationship. It has been so much fun. Sometimes I think I like the guy because I do enjoy his company immensely and I do spend a lot of time with him. But, I am scared of liking him for a few reasons. One being he is everything B was not - tall, 35 years, has hair, a bit pudgy, urban, slick styles, amazing communicator, works for big company, blue collar, slobby in his home, immaculate in his dress, stability and security.
I fluxuate between these two men. Sometimes I miss B immensely and I push Rebound away. Or, I am with Rebound and I push B away. But, basically I am replacing my crack addiction with cocaine.
Or, I am replacing my crack addiction with Big Brother 9. Wow, truly out there. So I am trying to replace my BB9 addiction with purging my life.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I have not read or written on this blog in long while. Here I am in March of 2008. B and I had a fabulous fall and winter together.
In August we went to Toronto and cottage country together for a week. It was so much fun. Then he moved to V town in October for 6 weeks. Then we went Cat Skiing in teh Kootney's for New Years. And saw each other again in Japan in late January.
However, it is now the same place and I have the same concerns I had last June. It is pathetic. For more than a year I have been feeling the same things. I love B and it is great when we are together, but I feel a real resistance from him and lack of wanting to meet me half way.
I broke up with him last week. I know he and I have been through this so it really means nothing. More recently, I sent him an email saying it would be best if we did not see each other when he came to Vancouver. I mean it. I need a clean break away from him.
I am feeling bored and lazy. I have very little motivation to do stuff. My house is a pig stye, I am disorganized. I don't know, I am just feeling blah. But, I am not crying or emotional just blah.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I love him but I feel like it is this struggle and people who are in healthy relationships say that it is not suppose to be hard. But it is hard with him and I.
I feel like he has so much resistance to me. So now I hold back... no calling, no emailing, no texting, no facebooking. Nada.
I need to open myself up to other men. I want to cut B out now completely. I need to consider myself single.
I want to be a with a man who is crazy excited to see me. B is excited see me, but he is also excited to get a full day of mountain biking in, to eat nachos and have beers with his friends. I am left waiting.
He arrived an hour and a half late for a date we had on Thursday. I was livid. Then I cried all night because I was so hurt and I was so mad. He stayed until Sunday morning. But, I just feel done. No more.
A very cute guy came into my store. His name is Dwight. He came in once before and I hope he comes back soon. He mentioned that he would. He grew up in Missasauga, Ontario, he is 37, and he is the youngest of 4 boys.
There is also Alejandro. Who I do enjoy. I hesitate with him. He is Mexican and I do not want to get entangled in another long distance scenerio.
I feel tired and I want a man who will help me. B is not the guy. He wants to help and he does help but he is in town so briefly and he needs to do personal errands so he is not able to help me as much as I would like.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Things got extremely bad with B on Friday. Really bad.
I discovered on Thursday that I was going to have the weekend off - my first weekend off in months. I called B to see if he wanted to meet up. I told him I had to be in Vtown because of a wedding shower on Sunday at 1pm. I came to the realization that I would be really lame to stay in town for a wedding shower instead of taking off for 3 or 4 days. So I called him back to create new and different plans.
Anyways I am not sure what happened but over the course of a morning we were on the several together several times.
At one point I told him that someone from Nelson had told me they had heard he was flirting with another woman. I told him this. He confessed to kissing someone - a 40 year old with kids. I was slightly choked but I understood that we were broken up so ..... c'est la vie.
He told me that he realized from kissing her that he missed me immensely.
So anyhow it came out a couple of hours later in a different phone conversation that he had sex with her. Oh, I totally lost it. I could not speak for a couple of minutes.... then I just got really mad. I locked myself in my bathroom and I ripped my bathroom apart. I literally tore shelves off the wall and through things and broke things. Wow!! I don't think I have ever gotten that mad in my life.
That night after work I packed my car up to go camping. Around 8:30 pm I decided it was a better idea to join my roomate at the Sasquatch Music Festival at the Gorge. I reckoned I could meet some guy and flirt and have sex with him. I called B to talk to him. After a long conversation we decided that I would drive to Nelson and we would go camping on his land on Kootney Lake.
I left the city at 9:30pm, I drove for a few hours, slept in the car with Link and I arrived in Nelson at 11am the next day.
We had not seen each other since mid April. It was good. We were both very cautious, nice and apologetic at first. He made us a nice salad for lunch; then we fixed his boats windows and pack up.
We arrived at his land just as it was getting dark. The boat broke down and we had to paddle the last bit.
We smoked pot and drank that night just enjoying each other company. We slept next to each other.
The next morning we waked and baked which was a good start to the day. We basically spent the day walkin around his property with the dog and exploring his neighbours places. We talked a lot. We did mushrooms and E. We needed it.
He hugged me with these huge long hugs. Placing himself in a very vulnerable position. Gradually our barriers melted away.
We did not kiss until we were in the Hot Springs the next day. We were in the cave and we shared a very long intimate kiss.
It felt good to spending time with him. We do have an incredible connection.
Are we back together? I do not consider us back together. I am open to new experiences with him and other men. We will see each other again mid June. And I am thinking of going up to his land again on July long weekend.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I called B this morning to tell him that I love him.
I feel like I am dual personality.... my healer tells me that we all feel this way. Sometimes I am loving and postive and optimistic; during these times I feel tuned in to my path and to the universe and I feel I understand my place. Then there are times when I feel tormented and sad and depressed. And I can fluxuate between these two parts of me very quickly and sometimes several times a day.
And since yesturday I have been feeling loving towards B. I understand that we have this conflict of being apart and having a long distance relationship... but I feel so deeply that he is someone who I want to be in my life. I feel like he and I are on the same way.
Although, yes, he did say in the break up email that it is time to go seperate ways.
Am I just being dillusional?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Finally B and I are talking again. He has returned from Greenland. Things got worse as he fell asleep when we had set up a time to meet. Then he texted me the next day to apologize. I kind of lost it after that. I was an emotional mess. I could not work. I left town for a few days and went camping at Long Beach with Link.
I have been really sad the past few weeks. There is a part of me which is still in love with B and I believe that he is the one for me. Then there is part of me that is so disappointed, hurt and angry by his behaviour that I am happy our relationship is over.
We have spoken on the phone three times. Two conversations were mostly me telling him how hurt and upset I am. He listened patiently. I spent a lot of time being in his business. Then we had one converstation where we both apologized. I was sincerely sorry for my behaviour.
He told me he wants to come to Vancouver for a week or so. I am on the fence. I really want to see him.... but he has been really immature. I ask myself who in my life would support me getting back together with B. I am not sure if anyone would after what he did.
I got upset on the phone on a Tuesday. He did not return any of my calls then he left for Greenland the next day. There was no contact between us until I got an email from him Friday morning breaking up with me. Then we did not talk on the phone for another 2 weeks when he was in town for one night...
I gave him a lot of reflections last night. They were not all nice and not necessarily true.
Cristine told me it was up to me if B and I got back together... becuase I would have to forgive him. I don't know if I can. I feel thtt if I forgive him then I am being a doormat. But maybe I need to work on forgiveness. I need to understand how forgiveness feels and the greater impact it can have on a relationship.
B runs away from confrontation where I deal with head on and full of energy. I do not back down. He is the chihahua and I am pit bull.
He told me that he would call me today. We will see. I would love it if he called me today but I have learned with him not to expect him to do what he says he will do.
He told me on Tuesday night that he loves that he just needs his space. I understand. But, he has not seen me in over a month... so how much space does he need?
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
I just met with Ben the son of the Angel Communicator. I spoke to him for a long time and I listened to him for a long time. He is only 18. A very normal 18 year old - he skate boarded here, he likes to party, he is finishing high school soon... yet, he is so insightful.
What I learned from him is that there is hope with B. That B did love me and that he still loves me a reasonable amount. There is hope that we can work through this. But, it is entirely up to B. I need to let go of him. Focus on myself. When I see him this week, I need to speak softly, to listen, to be patient, to create a space for him to be.
I already feel like this is stuff I learned this week .... but it does help to listen to someone else tell me the same things.
I do have a lot of sadness in me with the end of B. I really do not want it to end. Ben could not tell me if we are or are not going to get back together. It will be a spoiler and I will not learn what I need to learn.
He basically said that I need to listen more. That I need to kick back and relax and not be so demanding of who I am or what my expectations are. I need to let go of expectations.
Ben also said that with Buff this is an unresolved issue with his mom - who died 2 years ago. This does make me feel better. But, I do feel terrible for getting angry with him and not being a patient person.
Ben also said that it is okay to get angry but it is not okay to just express this anger on other people. I do need to work on this.
He mentioned that becuase my energy is so strong that although it is important for me to be myself, it is also important for me to listen to others more - to just be quieter.
It is up to me if I want to see B this week. I need to give him space. ... But I can manifest what I want.
I love B, I want to see him.
Ben said that there was a possibility that B and I can work through this.
A possibility - there is hope.
Ben also said that there was B did think of marriage with me.
Ben said that I will get married and I will have kids.
Things may not work out with B - I love him and I really hope they do. I need to let go..... no expectations.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
You harmonize with Cancer, because the Moon, ruling planet of Cancer, combines with your Pluto to promote a constructive relationship. You could marry a Cancer because there is, with a native of this sign, a desire to settle down and have a home of your own. Cancer affects that part of your chart having to do with long-range planning. You look ahead; you make adjustments. You begin to utilize your assets more intelligently. You begin an investment program. You gain Power because more people become aware of what you're about with Cancer, there is a solidity and you can bring together dissenting factions. Listen: you possess loads of power, creative ability which needs an outlet. Cancer helps find that outlet. Cancer makes a home or makes it possible for you to obtain a place you can call home. The Moon of Cancer has a magnetic appeal for you. Where disruptive elements exist, they evaporate when you get together with Cancer.
Both Cancer and Scorpio are of the Water element; both are sensitive and predisposed toward being psychic. There is a bond of understanding here. You could meet a Cancerian and feel you have known that person for a number of years. The appeal is on mental, emotional and physical levels. Now, listen: I am not attempting to describe some sort of utopia. Not all will be perfect with Cancer, nor with the native of any other sign. But the odds for your success with Cancer are greater than with numerous other natives. There is no sensational blast; the evolvement is gradual, but the progress is steady. You build, with Cancer, on a solid foundation. If patient and perceptive, mature and receptive, you could find greater happiness and fulfillment as a result of your association with Cancer. In actuality, Scorpio, of course, it is up to you.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Your relationship is becoming more and more difficult, the fuse is alight and you're merely waiting for the explosion. You don't agree on several issues and you are both too stubborn to concede. Some people enjoy arguments, but all the time?
Bouquet for U and B...
5 roses and 4 thistles .
Not a bad match, you get along well and know how to put things back together after a fight. The most important thing is that you enjoy each other's company, and find one another stimulating. Your connection is based on rare mutual attraction.
live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.
Follow a smart, savvy, stylish woman from her late twenties through her early 30's as she not only searches for love but researches love in the modern world. Are her problems in finding love specific to her, her gender, her age or her geography?
