Love Stuck

Madonna and the Whore

I went on a date at 7:30 am this morning. And this is not my Wednesday morning Grouse Grind 6:30am date. My 7:30 am date was with a different guy, Rob, he showed up with fresh fruit smoothies which he made.... hmm so sweet.

I am not sure that doing the Grouse Grind every Wednesday at 6:30am counts as a date. In that situation, we are pretending we are friends that do the Grind together. Now we are friends that do the Grind together - but, sometimesI am attracted to him - (sometimes I am not) - but does attraction mean we are not friends? That in fact it is a date?

The Grouse Grind Man is a very nice person - 36 years old, beautiful brown eyes, a lot of fun and interesting - he is very much into getting to know himself and the world around him. I enjoy my time with him. However, he is very much not my type. He is sort of dorky, he has skinny legs, a boring style of dress - except sometimes he wears pink dress shirts (not when we are doing the Grind) and he looks very sexy. I have class with him Wednesday nights. It is fun to watch him in class, he closes his eyes and nods off. Ha ha ha ha. It's cute.

Yesturday morning after the Grouse Grind we were sitting in my car outside his apartment in Coal Harbour. He suddenly said that he was horning and wanted to have sex. This was interesting for me to hear becuase just an hour before when we were climbing the Grind he said that he wanted to start having babies in 4 years. So here is a man who wants to have babies in 4 years (and he is single) so he is looking for a life partner; and he just wants to find a woman to fuck. My understanding of what he was saying was that the woman who he wants to have babies with and the woman he wants to fuck are two different women.

This is totally confusing me. Men really do want a Madonna and a whore.

I percieve myself as the Madonna. I am clear that I want to be a mother and I want to meet my life partner and build a life long relationship. But, men have been percieving me as the whore. I am the one they want to fuck. And, I do not dress or act slutty. I am a good girl. But, I am beautiful. I am the unattainable. I am 5'11 (6'2 with heels) ; I am thin and toned; I have long, thick beautiful brown hair and big blue eyes; and I dress well and am fashionable. My breasts are very small; I don't even wear bras they are so small. There is nothing about me that is whore like - but I appear similar to models.

So men want to "score" me. They ask me out and wine and dine me. But, they do this to fuck me not so I can have their babies. No wonder I am stuck in the world of being single.

And I don't sleep around. It took me 10 months to sleep with the older man.

So I am in the car listening to the Grouse Grind Man talking about being horny and I totally got that men view me as the whore.

I just said to him that I could not help him out.

He laughed and said that he did not mean that he wanted to fuck me... Which I get, becuase I am also very naive and somewhat insecure becuase I do not think men want to fuck me.

But, maybe, he did say that becuase he wanted to fuck me.

When I was in Gautamala in 2001 I was in a hammock on the beach. It was in the early morning just after the sunrise. We had been up all night dancing on the beach at a full moon party snorting coke, drinking and smoking pot. This American guy was in the hammock next to me. We were totally relaxed. It was a beautiful moment. We were not close to each other. I did not feel connected to him. He was just the person in the hammock next to me in that moment.

When, out of nowhere, he says to me, "Do you want to have sex?"

I paused. I was surprised by the question. I saw him as a nice guy, but we were really just there next to each other with not much to say and not much going on. I was also in my year of celebacy.

I responded with, "I'll pretend that you didn't say that."

A few days later my friend Baywatch (see love letters with Baywatch) was returning a book to this American's room. Baywatch knocked on his door. There was no response. There was a window right next to the door and it was open. So Baywatch pulled the curtain aside to place the book on the inside. What he saw was a naked woman on all fours with her head a foot from the window. There was this American guy fucking her doggy style.

This American guy played his odds. And he eventually got laid.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 1:54 PM