Love Stuck

incredibly sad

Dating has become techerous and I feel like I am drowning. The whole episode a couple of weeks ago with ex-girlfriends being "devastated" thus leaving me as a home wrecker has left me cold, isolcated and hurt.

I feel at the end of my energy with meeting people. It is hard to constantly being putting myself out there and thinking and believing that this could be the one. I feel like I am turning into some bad nightmare.

I have become totally pretrified of being intimate becuase I feel that I become intimate with someone and then boom relationship ends.

If I can make it to a 5th date this would be a monumental moment for celebration.

The only person who is a constant in my life is the older man. We have been dating casually since August. We had sex for the first time on Tuesday - it was great. Except at 8:30am my mom came by my house to drop something off. He had to make a bolt out the back door except he forgot his jacket with car keys in the kitchen. He texted me and went for a coffee; returning a half hour later to get the car keys.

The whole situation was pretty funny. But, I was also pissed off at my mom.... I did not say anything.... but come on, how am I suppose to have a healthy love life at 29 if she shows up at 8:30 in the morning?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So Wednesday, the first day after we had sex I was feeling really great and happy. He texted me in the afternoon. It was nice.

Thursday, Friday no phone call. I texted him in the early evening. He is in Maple Bay on the Island Late Night. Saturday no call.

So I have been upset since last night. I know that this is our relationship.... going out a couple of times a month. It use to be that we went on great dates - out boating, to the ski cabin. Now, we hang out in the city eating at the same sushi restuarant. I want more. I want him to take me out of town and do great things together.

I don't want to feel like his town fuck.

But, this is what happens. I sleep with someone, I get totally confused, and I start to feel used and under appreciated.

It all started a few years ago. None of my relationships lasted very long. And, I started to feel really vulnerable about intimacy... as if as soon as I became intimate .... they became disinterested.

All I really want in life is to meet my life partner. And, I feel so far away from this and I feel so sad becuase I feel so far away.

I want to have kids. I am a woman therefore I have biological clock.

And I feel so scared that I will never fall in love with someone who falls in love with me.


live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

posted by Lady Leisure @ 12:59 PM