Love Stuck

April 21 - 30 GOALS

2010-04-22T03:20:00.001+10:00

April 21 – 30 GOALS

• I do the GROUSE GRIND 2 Times
• I practice YOGA 5 Times a Week
• I snowboard one time
• I eat salads minimum once a day
• I eat veggies + fruits for snacks (not chips + chocolate bars)
• I update my iPod once a week
• I enrol for Kiteboarding Lessons for May or June
• I enrol for a Yoga intensive weekend for June
• I visit with a friend every day
• I kiss a man minimum once a week
• I give my number to a man once a week
• I go on a date twice a week
• I jog two times a week
• I plant flowers + Seeds
• I change Lightbulb in my Bedroom
• I change Light bulbs in my dining room
• I clean my bathroom twice
• I clean my kitchen twice
• I mop + sweep twice
• I blog about dating 4 times a week
• I see Hot Tub Time Machine
• I watch Hockey Games with Friends
•
• I finish Jan – March 2010 GST
• I finish Oct – Dec 2009 GST
• I finish July – Sept 2009 GST
• I finish Employee Witholdings
• I pay PST
• I update my website 4 times a week
• I finish the schedule
• I order the clock Necklaces
• I order the Fringe Necklaces
• I order Hilliard Design
• I order a new Card Company in
• I Sell 4 Hammock Chairs
• I change the Crystal Light Bulb in Store

with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Are We in a Porn?

2010-04-15T15:03:00.003+10:00

The idea I have been exploring in my Twitter this week is Men approaching sex as if they are in a porn. Is it appropriate for a man to come in a women's face the first time you have sex or not have sex. And flipping the woman over for doggy styles seems to becoming a common trend. Anal probing seems to also be an immediate thing to hit - nipple, clitoris, vagina, anus. These have become the immediate erogenous zones - they are really the obvious spots.

What has happened to seducing a woman with romance?

Even though men can hit all my hot spots and make all of the right actions with his hands and tongue - none of this has given me a good orgasm in the past several months. With Alejandro I kind of thought that I was having a sexual disfunction. I honestly felt like I lost my vagina. It just disappeared and I could not, for the love of god, locate it when I was with him.

Lubricants also seem to be making a big appearance in sex these days. I understand why people would opt to use lubricant. But, really, if I am not all juiced up and slippery naturally then perhaps HE has not turned me on enough. And, if this is the case, why would I allow him to take a short cut to lube to get me ready instead of working to arouse me naturally.

Everyone is in a hurry these days and wants the quick fix and the immediate result without, perhaps, the work.

Dr. Marta Meana claims that when it comes to sex, what women really want is to be wanted. "Being desired is the real orgasm," she says.

"I'm not knocking orgasms," she says. "But being desired is extremely arousing for women. The reason for that is that being desired means that a man doesn't just want to have sex. He wants to have sex with you."

I think there is an incredible amount of truth to this statement. I really just want to know that man I am with wants to have sex with me. For the past several months, I have not had one male partner that has made me feel truly special in that moment with him.

A friend suggested to me tonight that perhaps I was sleeping with these men too quickly and yes, this seems to be the logical answer.

My defense is this.

Paul, knew each other for 2 years, flirting and dating for 4 weeks before we had sex.

Alejandro, has been pursuing me for 3.5 years, we kissed on and off for 2 months before we had sex. I lost my vagina with him, he used the lube and then came in my hair. None of it was good.

Alex, we had great hook-ups and conversations. We were in regular contact for two weeks. Then we had one great night of fucking - he did flip me over. We went for a round two the next morning, I was already bored, because he was pulling out the exact same moves, he used the night before in the same order.

Ultimately, none of these men left me with the feeling that they really desired me. I did not feel special with any of them. And I really did not want to have sex with them again without more connection. I think in each of these cases we were connecting until we had sex. Then once, we had sex, the disconnect started.

What is this disconnect and how do we overcome it?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Allow Woman to Set Pace of Sex First Few Times

2010-04-15T14:58:00.003+10:00

I just went for a walk with Justin - a single male in his early 30's. I asked him about his porn consumption. He watches every couple of days or essentially when he gets horny.

I then asked him about coming in the face. He seemed a little shocked at that idea.

I asked him about doggy style the first time you have sex. He said it depends on the sex - is it rough or not. Generally he allows her to lead the first few times he has sex with her. Then he likes to take more control. I like this idea and I agree with it.

I think it is important to allow the female to set the boundaries at first. Then one you feel you have reached a certain level, I would love the man to take power of the sex. But, it can be a turn off if a man just starts setting the pace of sex for the first few times.

Justin also felt that it made more sense from a legal stand point to allow her to take control the first few times. Lol. He is a lawyer.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Where are the single men in Canada?

2010-04-11T14:05:00.002+10:00

I am seriously considering driving around BC and to major cities across Canada to seek a place where men are responsible, generous, wanting to pursue and wanting commitment.

It has to be better than what is available in Vancouver. I know too many single, beautiful and fabulous women in their mid-30's and early 40's in this city. And I just feel that if I stay here then this will also be my destiny.

I want to share my life, get married and raise a family with someone.

What are your recommendations? What towns and cities are best for men in this country?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Focus on Me

2010-04-10T14:15:00.002+10:00

There is one thing I am convinced of. I am convinced that if I stay in Vancouver then I will stay single.

The men in this city are not men. They are spoiled, juvenile guys who are self-absorbed and arrogant. They think the way to get a girl is to think about themselves, talk about themselves, pay 1/2, not to confirm plans for a date because something better may happen, to tell me how busy they are, how active their social life is, what properties that have bought, what car they own, how much they earn, how they got around paying full taxes, when they work out and pretty much anything that is all about them.

They have forgotten chivalry. They only time they open my car door for me is when they need to walk around the car to fart once I am inside. They may pick up the tab but it comes with a comment, "Next time you get it," or "You drove." They can't even pick up the fucking tab anymore without an excuse or letting me know not to get use to it.

Then you must think, just as I do, that this guy is just not into me. I get home from another lame date or I wait a few days and no word from them, so I begin deleting.

I have turned deleting into an art form. Not only do I delete his name from my address book, I delete my call list and my text list. If we emailed, then I delete all his incoming emails, all my outgoing, all drafts, and then I empty the trash. Even if he is not a friend on Facebook, don't just delete him, block him. I love Blocking. This is a great feature from Facebook and
I highly recommend you use it.

After experiencing these self-absorbed men, who forgot the art of pursuing, and have engaged in a lame interaction of I-
am-cool-and-you-should-want-me-so-here-I-am-and-there-is-another-girl-right-behind-you-so-don't-get-comfortable. By now, we have all read and watched, He's Just Not that Into You. We have now been retrained to understand that if a guy is being a dick, then he is a dick. So why do I tolerate this bad behaviour for a month or two?

When I first met Alex, it was sweet and enduring and fun. I felt sexy and happy. Then it turned into a weird, awkward, bleh, situation. I have been deleting him from my life once a week for a month now. Yet, he somehow has endured these deletions because he will email, text or drop my store. He redeems himself. He'll ask me snowboarding but not for dinner. He will ask me to a movie with 12 of his friends but not alone. He will come by my store and bring me lunch, but he will only give himself time for a 6 minute hello.

I am left with total confusion. Does he like?! Really?! It is hard to believe because in one regard his actions seem sincere and sweet. But, he can be so self-absorbed when he does these things.

For example, he came by my store on Wednesday for 10 minutes and he brought me fruit for lunch. Really sweet. But then he proceeded to talk about his taxes and contract with his company and his accountant. Of course, he managed to tell me he earned $72,000 last year and paid $2000 in taxes. So, is he trying to impress me with how much he earned? Because, I would be much more impressed by him if he planned and paid for a special date for he and I.

The amount of money he earns, his BMW, his Ford Truck, and Porsche mean nothing to me if he doesn't ask me about me. I
don't care that he bought a fourth house last week, wants to buy a sailboat next week and retire in a few months if he doesn't take the time to kiss me or call me. None of his accomplishments or the size of his bank account or the amount of his assets have any value to me if he is being a douche bag. These 'things' that he wants me to know about him are worthless in my mind if he doesn't man up when it comes to being romantic with me and showing me he cares for me.

So my dilemma is bachelors in their early 30's seem as if they are out to prove themselves t women by showing off their assets but not by being respectful and chivalrous. And I am bored.

I have dated a millionaire. The lifestyle was fantastic. I loved it but I didn't love him. I decided that having an authentic connection was more important to me than having the million. So here I have put myself out there for this authentic connection and I repeatedly meet men who are more concerned about their money then they are about authentically connecting.

Yes, I want to feel taken care of emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. Yes, I would love to be able to relax and not worry about paying bills and scraping along. But, once again, I will state, when I am with a man, regardless of how much money he has, I want him to focus on me.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.ll

Do You Believe in Love at First Sight

2010-04-10T14:03:00.002+10:00

Watching 'Lost'. Daniel Whitmore asks Hume, "do you believe in Love at first sight?"

Then Daniel proceeds to talk about the red haired beauty with blue eyes. As Hume seeks out Penny.

My friend Monique asked me tonight if I had faith.

I don't know anymore. I did have it. But, now at 33 years, it is gone. I have experienced repeated disappointments during the past years. I just don't know if I have it in me any more to keep believing, to keep picking myself up after more disappointments. I am sad and exhausted from dating in this city - dating which never leads to anything of substance.

Yet, I know that if I want to experience marriage and kids that I do not have time to mourn these disappointments. I
have to pick myself up and continue to put the smile on my face and be a happy and strong person.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Terribly What

2010-04-09T05:41:00.004+10:00

I have downloaded new music to my iPod. In the process of cleaning my house. Reading Mars + Venus on a Date and The 4 Hour Work Week. Sunny but wind storm warning. Heading to Tracy's Yoga Class at 2:30. I am focussing on myself.

Alex has texted me every day since the Alice in Wonderland debacle. He asked me to go snowboarding today but he had to cancel because of work. He came by my store yesterday and brought me fruit. Super sweet - a good recovery.

But, then, I guess I get too sucked in and I sent him a casual email last night asking if he wanted to watch Hot Tub Time Machine. He responded within an hour with "I can't. I am drowning my sorrows in wine tonight."

Then we take a couple of steps back. Just a solid no. I was not even asking with a specific time or date in mind. Just asking. I knew as soon as I sent the email that it was a mistake. But, I felt confident. He came by my work - he must be interested. Right?

He just says No with not alternatives as to another time or something that may work better. Just no.

So is he a terrible communicator or just terribly inconsiderate or terribly rude or terrible not interested in me? Or all?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

M & V are backi

2010-04-06T13:54:00.002+10:00

Tonight I bought Mars and Venus on a date. Someone snitched my copy. I have been without it for 2 years. I have only read a few pages and I already feel better.

Alex sent me an email asking to go snowboarding this week. I am not sure how I feel. I need to read more of the book before I respond.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Bleh

2010-04-06T10:30:00.001+10:00

Thursday day I went up to Whistler for the day with Alex. We had a great day and great conditions; however no intimacy between Alex and I. One point at lunch, I said that we should make out. He responded with, you just put lip gloss on and where? It killed my mood.

Mis-communications seem to happen continuously for the rest of the day and into the evening of mushrooms, Alice in Wonderland 3D. It peaked in a moment where I thought he was communicating to me that he had another date joining him that he preferred to sit next to. It was strange and weird. I sat elsewhere between Ling + Mark. Alex snapped a little and surprised that I “isolated” myself + did not save him 2 seats.

It is too much work for me. I want fun, trust, respect, consistency, generosity, sharing and sex.

No more games. No more hot + cold. No more atrocious communication.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Self-Absorbed Men

2010-04-06T06:24:00.000+10:00

Kenny, 34 years old and a recent transfer to Toronto from Vancouver, said men in Vancouver are self-absorbed.

Self-absorbed.

Hmmmmm. I believe that this is a spot on statement. I have been dating men my age, in their early 30’s for a year now. I have consistently been experiencing the same re-occurring theme with them. At first they appear interested and we connect on a friend level and sexually. Usually after our first intense sexual connection they pull away – they take space.

Then when they return, our dynamics have shifted. We seem to have lost our friend connection and suddenly we enter this awkward world of dating. Bleh. Yuck.

I have blamed myself for this awkwardness. Does my head start swimming in expectations or rules?

Maybe.

But, this idea of self-absorbed interests me.

Let’s talk Alex. He is the most recent guy I have been seeing. The first times I met him, he spoke openly about wanting a relationship, wanting to share his life, wanting to get married and wanting kids. Now, he talks about himself, his goals, his accomplishments, his life, his ideas and himself. This is great except he does not seem interested in wanting to hear about me or what I want. I also feel prohibited in sharing that I also want to meet a partner and share my life, get married, have kids. Once I say the same things, I feel men start touching me with giant tongs to hold me at a distance because I have somehow transformed into a needy, desperate woman who only wants to meet men to get married and have babies because my biological clock is ticking.

Which is not true. I want to have regular sex. I want to wake up in someone’s arms and share life’s experience with someone.

On Thursday night I was annoyed with Alex. Like really annoyed. He communicates nothing to me and I feel that I am left in a situation where I am to guess what is happening or to assume I am meant to be next to him. I feel like my position is that of a cute puppy with no voice but to follow Alex around on his whims.

I feel confused by this. I am so accustomed to being an independent that I don’t know how to just follow someone else around. I am burdened by the need for communication. I am so confused when there is no or little communication. It throws me into a flurry of thoughts.

Are men in their early 30’s self-absorbed? I feel like they are focussed on selling themselves to me instead of getting to know me. Alex tells me all about himself, but I don’t even know if he has even told me in this last month one compliment to me. He does not say I am pretty or I am good snowboard or anything.

It leaves me feeling disconnected from him and wondering if he has any real interest in me.

Maybe I am just a complainer and no man will ever be good enough for me.

Random Thoughts

2010-03-28T07:15:00.000+10:00

Modern marriage is similar to a business partnership. Women use to focus on being beautiful and take care of the house. These days, we must be beautiful, have careers, hobbies, take care of our man and be the sexy bombshell.

The courtship battle. Men court the female - placing themselves in a vulnerable - they create a space for the woman to let her guard her down and to begin trusting him a little more. The man then takes this opportunity to take the power of the relationship back by pulling away from the female.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Battle for Power

2010-03-28T06:17:00.007+10:00

New form of feminism - must be total sex bomb and independently successful and liberated.

The old ideas of courting can make you vulnerable - like playing hockey without a helmut. Once the man thinks he has you a bit, he withdraws to gain the power back.

In Mars Venus, this withdrawing is referred to the man going into his cave. However, at the beginning of a courtship, I personally do not believe a man needs to go into his cave if he is only seeing you once maybe twice a week. So I believe there has to be another reason for this withdrawing.

In the past 6 weeks, I have spoken to Alejandro, Jamie & Justin. In their conversations with me, they all used the word power. I think this is interesting, because I do not believe a woman considers this idea of Power when she is getting to know a man. When I am dating a man, I am thinking romantic thoughts and dreamy feelings. I am not even considering that there is a power struggle occurring.

What I have learned this week, is that men perceive the beginning of a relationship as a battle for power. Perhaps, even the whole relationship.

So, I have been approaching relationships with this idea of romance and sharing. Men may also be approaching with these ideas in mind, but they also bring power into it.

I did not have sex with Alejandro. When we had our break-up conversation, he said to me that I withheld sex for power.

I was absolutely shocked and livid when he said this. I did not have sex with him becuase he did not turn me on enough. Literally. I could not get juiced up enough to have sex with him. But, he blamed me, and decided I wanted the power in the relationship and I thought that by with holding sex that I would gain power.

My perspective is different. We had one hot and heavy night, I was into him. Then he withdrew. I did not hear from him for a few days - he was evasive. I thought, at the time, for the first couple of days, that he withdrew because he was feeling insecure about his small peanus. He later told me, that he withdrew because he needed space. But, by the time he came back from his little space break, I had lost my lust and excitement for him. I instead felt disappointed and I withdrew.

Alejandro was not able to get me excited again, because, I believe, that he thought he already had me because we almost had sex. He came to expect that I would want to have sex with him because we came so close to having it earlier. But, I needed him to romance me and seduce me again by giving me attention. He did not step up to the plate again and I lost interest in him.

Alex and I had sex once. It was hot and heavy and lust and needing and grasping. My girly parts were screaming for him.

Alex is hot and cold in his communications with me. After, a cold period, I need him to heat me up again. To apply the same passion of courtship that he was using before we had sex for the first time. His perspective, when I hesitated to have sex was "We have already had sex, why don't you want it again?"

I understand his perspective and I needed his reassurance. If I had sex with him again, will he withdraw again? It is his withdrawal for the days post the intimacy and vulnerability of sex that I need his reassurance the most. So when he needs space or becomes out of communication post sex, it throws me into a tizzy of insecurity.

My mind starts racing - I start questioning my physical body, what I said, how I smelled, tasted, everything. I can nearly become hysterical because I start believing that my vulnerability, intimacy and trust has been taken advantage of by someone who I believed I really like. I feel mislead and lied to. So I start to withdraw. I begin eliminating him from my life. By deleting his texts, phone messages, emails then all of his contact information.

I begin to think he just wanted sex, got it, then moves on. This story I tell myself hurts and confuses me. If he just wanted sex, then why would he say all those sweet things and do those nice things. Why would he put any effort into it?

So how do I get over this hurdle?

I can become calmer and more patience and accept this process. Is there anything else I can do?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Funerals

2010-03-27T14:03:00.002+10:00

Today I went to the my second funeral of 2010. A friend's dad. It was Christian base and I was bored in the church. Please, when I die, do not have any long religious chats at my service.

I did a double yoga class this morning. Ran into Jamie + Kate at second class. Jamie and I went for coffee and oatmeal at Wicked Cafe afterwards and had a long deep intimate talk.

I am wanting to learn about myself and who I am being perceived as by those people around me. Dr. Jeff told me yesterday in our session that he sees me as someone who comes off as objectifying others and using them according to what they can offer me. A pretty strong reflection. Is it true? Yes, there are elements to it that are true. It was hard to hear it.

But, regardless of whether it is true or not, the upsetting part is that someone perceives me as this.

I don't think I am playing the game of life right now. I am struggling and confused and unsure. I am stuck and insecure about taking a new step. I am hiding. I want to be a recluse and avoid.

Ling told me tonight that I have no choice when it comes to dating, if I don't keep picking myself an continuing then I will just be a spinster. True. This scares me.

I am reaching a place where I want a relationship because I do not want to be on my own. Is this bad? I am feeling alone and I have been on my own for a long time. But right now I want intimacy and closeness.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Hey Alex

2010-03-26T10:39:00.001+10:00

Hey Alex,

I hope you survived your week of meetings and buying houses and waking up in the middle of night stressed out about buying houses.

I wanted to share with you that I have really enjoyed my time with you – Whistler was awesome and all the other little things. You make me happy.

In my life right now I am taking a time out to self reflect. This is not the easiest thing for me to do as I have been in an over achiever mode for a few years. It is great to pause, breath and reflect but in order for change to occur I feel it is important for me to take responsibility for who I have been being.

I have big walls around me. I am not accustomed to allowing myself to be relaxed and more freely expressed around men I am not familiar with.

You told me that you were seeing a counsellor for being a bad communicator. I am also seeing a counsellor. I have not considered myself a bad communicator – however, I am.

I believe that communication is key to a healthy relationship. If two people have good communication then they can pretty much work through anything. I am learning that a key part of good communication is honesty, openness, vulnerability and this automatically says that there is a sense of trust. When a person puts themselves in a vulnerable position they are saying I trust you or that I trust you will honour my thoughts, my feelings.

It is challenging for me to be vulnerable because it is hard for me to trust.

I hold myself back from sharing my intimate thoughts and dreams with others. I am afraid of the rejection. Somehow, I have come to believe that hiding myself will protect me.

People do not make it to our age without their relationships scars. We all have them. Perhaps, that is why it is easier to date younger people – they seem to have less scars.

I have scars and insecurities. They are there. I wish they were not. I know that I present myself as a surface person with no depth – and this is not me. I am at a point in my life where I am looking for someone to share my life with because I want to have kids and I want to experience being a mother and a wife. I want this.

I am a good person who has created an interesting path for myself – and it has not been all roses. I do have my struggles. It is these struggles which have contributed to the construction of my walls but also to my strength, will power, and endurance. I have always been an individual who wants to understand this human experience and it is my intrigue with life that has led me in so many different directions.

These past few months have been difficult for me. I have learned that I want my relationships with my friends and family to be a priority in my life. I want to be there for others. I have been pouring all my energy into my store. Ultimately, this has drained me and I feel I am missing out on creating stronger relationships with the people I love. And the impact is that I am steering myself away from people.

I know that I am on the cusp of change. I know that I am at a point where I need to take a major leap of faith into my future. I am closing a chapter and I am scared.

I appreciate my time with you and I wanted to apologize for allowing my walls and fear to intercept my honesty.

Empathetic

2010-03-26T03:25:00.003+10:00

I saw my therapist this morning. A man about 40. I have been holding everything in. It gushes out with him.

I want to move - run from this life. A mother fighting a cancer, a sister with a mental disability, another sister with a husband and 2 kid who does not work, a failing business, minimal friends, lost in a big city, single. I am in my early 30's and I am on the brink of having nothing.

I am scared.

I have anger.

I am alone.

Dr. Jeff suggested to me that I objectify people in my life. I group them in categories. Then I view and approach and them from these categories. Therapist, Employee, Customer, Friend, Man, Lover. I do not let my guard down to be vulnerable or compassionate with people.

Why?

To protect myself? Perhaps. Probably.

Why?

So I don't get hurt. My walls are high and thick, made of brick, steel, and lucite. Yes, they can keep people out but they also keep me in. Guarded. Protected. Alone.

I sit here and make plans to make myself even more guarded and protected. Practically a recluse.

Dr. Jeff said I run around trying to do what I think I am suppose to do. It exhausts me. So when something does not happen the way I think it should happen then I get disappointed and angry.

I think to myself, all the things I did right, so when he does not call.... I get angry. And I think about everything I did. Then I blame him, instead of being empathetic. I don't listen to him. I am not vulnerable with him. I am not kind.

Obviously this is father issues.

My father is always positive. Rarely shows anger but then will burst about small insignificant things. Buff was always positive.

I am afraid to be myself. I have feel like I have been rejected so much. That I am petrified to admit that I want to have kids. Scared.

I am scared about saying I want kids becuase this is why Buff says he broke up with me. I feel that men will group me as desperate for babies and stay away. I feel like I have to be this good time girl all the time around men.

Empathetic.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Confused

2010-03-25T07:44:00.000+10:00

The thing that sucks about me right now is that I have no concept of what is going on in my life right now.

I like Alex – but he is hot and cold. He does the sweetest things followed up with zero contact for a few days. Then another sweet thing; then nothing.

Does he like me but he is a terrible communicator?

Does he just enjoy sleeping with me, but he has another girl on the horizon?

Does he not like me but is being friendly because that is just how he is?

Is he just not into me?

Does he have a girlfriend?

I don’t have any idea what is going on. I am just confused and this yo-yo with my heart is upsetting for me as it rips opens deep scars that are not fully healed. So I pull away in order to protect myself.

Then I ask myself the question, is this why he is being the way he is because he is also pulling away?

Does this make me psycho to think he may actually like me but is equally scared. Is this psychotic?

I have zero confidence when it comes to men. I have little stabbings and break-ups every month. Then I have had the big break-ups where the pain is always right there – so close to the surface..

I hurt.

I feel alone right now.

My married girlfriends are married and enjoying their lives. They get to plan their future with someone. Think about and have babies. Wear diamonds and sometimes not even work. They don’t invite me over to watch hockey games or to the pub for burgers when they all go.

My single girlfriends, will come when I ask them out. But, I am noticing that I am getting very few invitations by them. At the end of the day, they tend to be shitty wind ladies and treat it all like a competition. I feel like I don’t trust them around the men I like/am dating/have dated/would like to date. These girls want to prove that they can get him too.

My single guy friends are either trying to fuck me, or we tried and it didn’t work.

My guy friends in relationships are not allowed to hang out with me because their lady gets upsets.

So this all leaves me alone. Feeling lonely.

Alex is just too busy to call or to see me. He sends me random texts days apart. We are not friends on FB and we just started emailing yesterday. But, was he just buttering me up so he could get the photos from Whistler Friday Riding Day?

I don’t know. I just know that I am confused and hurting and alone.

It is time for me to change my life. But I don’t know how. I am in a rut and stuck.

Dear God,

I want to share my life experience with someone. I want to feel reassured and comforted. I want to share respect and trust. I want to say what my boundaries are without fear of being mis-interpreted. I want to meet that special someone for me. I want to have kids and be a lady of leisure. I want to experience it all . I am ready. Please, god and my guardian angels, it is time, I have waited, I have been tested, I have been patient. I know it is time for me to meet someone.. Please have this happen soon with fluidity and love and excitement and confidence. I am ready to share my life with someone. Please.

Thank you.

Spinning stories in my Head

2010-03-02T13:47:00.004+10:00

I like Alex.

This triggers deep insecurities in me and I struggle. Which sucks because up until late Saturday night I was golden with liking him. I felt confident and at ease with my feelings for him.

Now, I feel my old negative habits jumping back and preventing me from bringing to fruition the relationship I desire in my life.

Alex has ignited in me an ability to feel free and myself. I have felt until this point no games. Just authenticity.

What happened? Everything that happened is logical and makes sense. But, my head starts spinning with stories which make me think he is behaving in a certain way because he does not like me. Then I react to these stories as if they are true. This is essentially crazy.

My role now is to remember all the things I have enjoyed about my time with him. Not to spin stories in my head based on past experiences. Alex is new in my life.

Ready to Live a New Experience

2009-12-31T14:33:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I just don't feel like I belong in this world. I feel like I am not getting something - like there is something that alludes me. I just can't quite get a hand on it all. I am always a little scattered, a little stressed, a little tense. I am ready to just relax. I am ready to enjoy and to leisure.

My ultimate goal in life is to be a Lady of Leisure. Hahaha. It sounds so pretentious and so shallow. But, it is really what I want.

I have pondered a lot over the meaning of Leisure or perhaps, just my interpretation of it. I believe that the primary luxury about leisure-ing is not the activity of it but the time to be able to do it. Time is a luxury.

I want to be able to just spend my time doing exactly what I want.

That is the leisure I seek.

Then how would I spend this leisure time and this is where I get excited. There are so many things I want to experience in this life. My list is ample and dreamy and I want to do it all.

I want to have lifetimes and lifetimes of experience in this one life I have.

And it is time for me to create a new life experience for myself. I am ready for change. I am ready to live a new experience.

Last of 2009

2009-12-31T14:32:00.001+10:00

This morning Michelle is remembered fondly in all the papers and on the news. Her death is slowly seeping into me.

It is a tough time of year, here we approach a New Year, only a few hours away. We want to celebrate 2009 and all we have accomplished and survive while putting forth new wishes and dreams which we want to have come to fruition in 2010. Then losing someone so close and so special in such a tragic way places a spin on perspective.

What is important? My primary wishes for 2010 is health and family.

Every morning in yoga for my prayer I think of my mother and I want her to be healthy and strong again. I also think of myself and how I really want to meet someone incredibly special who I can share my life with. I have watched my father care for my mother during this difficult time and I am learning a new meaning of marriage and commitment. He has been an incredible support for my family. I want that same strength in a partner for myself.

I have had the bad luck of falling for men who disappear when life gets tough. They have abandoned me when I needed someone who could help. These last two men in my life have taught me that I only have myself in life to depend on. I only have myself to be there for me when life gets tough. Yet, I see my father and I see that he is there for my Mother 24/7. He doesn't get mad, and throw a hissy fit and walk out the door when it gets hard. He stays. And not only does he stay, but he provides a place of warmth, compassion, nurturing and love.

This is what I want. I want a man who not only stays when life is hard but he makes life a better place and he transforms hard times into times of love.

Leaving 2009

2009-12-30T14:31:00.000+10:00

I also leave 2009 having just gotten off the phone with my ex. You know the ex you keep going back to even though they treated you like shit because you have yet to fall in love with someone else. That Ex.

He told me that things most likely would have worked out in our relationship if we had more communication and if he did not run away every time he felt upset or challenged. No Shit Sherlock. Thank you for waking up 2 years later.

My mom has cancer, a friend died, I have no NY Plans, my floors are dirty, my ex apologizes, my other ex stood me up over Christmas, a Z List local movie star got car jacked with her car crashing into the local media station, where they had her carjacking headlining right above the jacked car, Tiger is a Cheetah, my Mackage jacket I ordered online won't be here for another week, inventory tomorrow, I bite my nails - and this is how I leave 2009 - the single digits.

Relationship Goal

2009-12-30T14:30:00.000+10:00

I enter 2010 being single. I will leave 2010 completely in love.

Handstand Goal

2009-12-30T14:29:00.000+10:00

I enter 2010 being able to do handstands with the support of a wall. I want to leave 2010 being able to do handstands with no wall support.

End of a Decade

2009-12-30T14:28:00.001+10:00

I am entering a new year, a new decade, double digits and teens. It is a full moon and a blue moon on the last day of the year.

Life feels random and mixed up right now.

This morning I had a great yoga class in the morning at 7am. A 20 minute sauna after in the infra-red sauna, I showered with my new Christmas Occitane Travel Shampoo and Apres-Shamoo (which confuses me because I keep putting the Apres in my hair first because I read the word shampoo and I don't translate the Apres). I cried in the shower at the public yoga studio. Is that tacky?

Then I drove out of my way to JJBean on Davie & Homer. The tall bearded Emo Barista greated me - which confused me because I've never spoken to the Barrista before. We chatted about how this morning felt like not quite a holiday and not quite a work day type of day. It was quiet.

I went to the Maritime Museum with Link. It was lightly raining today and it was grey. I walk listening to my iPod, Link runs around off leash. We carefully approach a man with two dogs. Then this Boudoir Dog approaches and doesn't listen to the owner calling him. The owner approaches from another direction. His dog attacks my dog. My dog is screaming. I dropped my JJ Bean Latte trying to rescue my dog. Link runs to the witness who is telling the Boudoir Dog Owner to get his dog on a leash. Then I just lose my shit on this guy and I threw my empty Latte Cup at him. WTF!!! Who does that?! What mature adult throws their empty latte cup at the person whose dog attacked their dog at the dog park on the beach in December in Vancouver.

I am left with a relatively good chuckle after this episode.

Then later today there was another dog catastrophe where Bella who was visiting Link at the store. Grabbed his bone and ran and ran and ran into the street. It was a nightmare. She ran across the street in the dark in front of car and Link followed and it was absolutely horrible.

I walked into the store only to be told 2 minutes later on the phone that Michelle Lang died today in a car side bombing in Afghanistan.

Then it is weird. Then Life changes.

I Do Not Have a Mental Illness

2009-06-17T10:36:00.004+10:00

It has been almost a year and here I pop on again. Why am I so on and off?

I just joined Twitter. I am single again. Not a big shocker it seems to be my way in life. Just time to really accept. To stop all this resistance to what is.

I wish I had a partner. I wish that I was in love. I wish it, I really do. But I am single and I seem to spend a lot of time single.

I have been to therapy this year. I was absolutely convinced that I had a mental illness. I booked an appointment with the Psychotherapist Doctor purely to get some medication and diagnosis. When I told him why I thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar over a few sessions he concluded that the men in my life were jerks and it was best to let them go.

So where are all of these good guys? Why can't I meet one?

I am not convinced that if I got breast enhanced that this would help increase my chances of meeting Mr. Right. Kind of sick. But, men are sucker for boobs and if it gets more men looking at me and saying 'hi' to me, then I will have more men to choose from.

Right.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

2008-07-24T02:12:00.002+10:00

I am still in recovery from last night. Now I am not stoned and not feeling all mystical and enlightened it is hard to face the reality of my actions.

I am embarassed. I do need to take responsibilty for what I have done. There are three men in my life whom I have treated unfairly - Buff, Karl and my Dad. They are three men whom I see on a regular basis and know well. Yet, I have so much anger towards them all for different reasons. Why do I think it is okay to get mad at men?

I don't want to be this person. I really want to be better than this. But, I am not becuase I am this anger and projection.

I am going to call Landmark for some coaching right now. I am scared.

No one answered. Maybe, there offices are not opened yet.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Safe & Secure

2008-07-23T17:55:00.002+10:00

I had a HUGE blowup with K my roomate.

Sebastian came. He listened. I am blown away by him. He just happen to call right after I freaked out. We drove to Queen E Park, parked at the top in the new parking lot, we smoked a joint, and then we walked around stoned and talked.

I really think this guy is amazing. It was so nice to have a man just listen.

I am so embarrassed about what happened with K. I need to complete. I think I figured it out. I want to feel safe & secure with a man. I need both to be happy and satisfied.

I really like Sebastian. I just feel so happy with him. We had some awesome converstations tonight. I have not connected like this with a man for a long time.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Foolish Woman

2008-06-27T05:58:00.003+10:00

I have made a commitment to my coach to do some journaling this week. I can't remember what about.....

Oh, yes, I have decided to relax more and go with the flow. To just pretend I am still on vacation and not to fight or resist what is happening.

How is that going for me. Ok.

Yesturday, one of my jewellery designers, whom I have decided not to carry anymore, had many, many, many words to say to me. She was not interested in hearing what I had to say. I just decided to let her talk, listen and then not to defend myself - to not try and be right.

This is probably my biggest issue. This need to be right all the time. I guess I have a sense of righteousness. B called me controlling and arrogant - in his most loving tone back when we were happy.

I am still blown off course, on how a relationship can go from being so fantastic to so horrible so quickly.

I am having intense feelings of insecurities. I think I have developed a social anxiety. I have tiny little freak outs when going to parties. I am feeling like a failure and I am feeling extremely embarrassed by it.

I am feeling like a failure over being single at 31. I view this as atrocious. And I think one of the things I am mad at myself about is not keeping my mouth shut. I do believe right now, that it would have been better if I had sucked it up and demanded less. I should have been more satisfied and not put so much emphasis on what makes me happy in a relationship and try to understand more about what makes B happy. And perhaps, that is what really matters - what makes the man happy. I somehow feel that what I needed to be happy in the relationship had some irrelevance to B. I thought it was so important, but it is one of the things that blew us apart from each other.

It made B happy to not have to talk to me every day. It made B happy to live in a different city than me. It made B to have a flirtatious relationship with another woman outside of our relationship. It made B happy to ignore me when he was mad with me. It made B happy to not want to have kids with me or marry me.

I was a foolish woman to put the demands on him to call me and not to cheat on me. Just silly really.

I am feeling totally lost in this world of men and women. Do men really want to get married? I am under the impression that men do not want children - that they are not biologically designed to desire children. Nor, are they biologically designed to sleep with only one woman or to get married.

Why do I bother. I should just accept that I am less person and therefore, I should put up with all of this shit thrown towards me without fighting it or resisting it.

I want to not feel anymore. To not feel my anger or my sadness or my anxiety. I am willing to give up my highs for this. I just want to feel even and steady and balanced. No more emotions - good or bad.

Don't they have drugs for this? I need some of those.

Am I depressed. It is possible. I feel like a worthless person.

B's father raped his daughters and beat his kids - even causing a permanent mental disability to one daughter. B does not talk to his father. So when B did not talk to me - I relate this that he views me as a person equal to his father in character.

I think this is why I am feeling so much anxiety - that people know I am a dysfunctional personal - that it is only me that does not know. I feel like a horrible, horrible person. I am scared to talk to people or to get close because they will discover that I am terrible and crazy.

I know that I am not suppose to place so much of my self esteem and self thought on what one other person thinks of me. But, this one other person, really was the person that I loved the most. And, he totally just threw me away because I got upset one day.

I want to be swallowed up and to disappear.

I am drinking a drink every day. I almost need the liqour to feel better about myself. This is a new thing for me. I did not drink really at all in my twenties. I was confident and happy.

I want to run away from myself. To hide. To disappear. To leave everything.

I am wrecked. I am really sad. I am really scared.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

I am lovable.

2008-06-07T14:55:00.003+10:00

Everyone is telling me that I need to appreciate more where I am at in life..... It is such a strong message that I am not hearing. How do I appreciate where I am at?

It is true that I constantly have a feeling of not being successfully. That I am not making enough money, that I am not pretty enough, that I am not thin enough, that my breasts are not big enough, that my legs are not muscular enough, that I am not stylish enough.... that essentially I am not enough.

Ian (my intuitive healer) nailed it this week. He told me that I have this feeling of being unlovable. It is true. It is this feeling that just rips me apart. That I am not lovable.

It has absolutely broken my heart to break up with B. I guess that I needed this in order to clarify what I want in my life in a relationship. I was putting too much pressure on him to be the everything for me. Then when he could not do it, I was disappointed and I cracked.

I love him. Yes, I made many faults in our relationship. But, I need a man who is going to still love and accept me regardless of the errors I make. I want to feel accepted and loved.

B left me with this feeling of I did not do enough for him. That I should have done more for him - for us. That I am unlovable because I am too difficult, too demanding, too selfish, too inexperienced, too immature, too strong, too much crying. Too much of all this stuff that he did not want.

Am I ready to find someone else? I am doing plenty of fish and Lava Life. Lots of interesting men. It actually seems difficult to find someone becuase there are so many. But, I do not feel ready to date. I am not sure what to do. I am not sure that I am ready to open my heart to someone again. I feel hardened.

But, it seems like this is the way life goes. That it is almost a requirement to have your heart broken in order to be ready for a relationship. That is the way. That you have to suffer through all of this heart ache in order to be clear about what you want and order to clear about what you can give and what your boundaries are.

So here I am - now 31. And single again. Was my time with B a growing experience which is going to make me ready for the man whom I am going to spend my life with.

What I have learned?

Respect. Patience. Giving. Receiving. Love.

What is important for me?

Adventure. Drive. Success. Happiness. Communication. Commitment. Security. Stability. Compromise. Acceptance. Support.

I do feel ready for a relationship. I do feel that I will take things more slowly. That I will not just give everything I have immediately. I was a romantic. I truly believed that I would meet someone, fall crazy in love and have an amazing romantic relationship with tons of love.

Yet, it did not work at all like that.

I fell in love. And he could not give me what I wanted. B wanted to take things slow. I did not want. And he was able to give me as much as he could. But, I am (was) an intense indivual. So I now just feel stupid - like a dumb little girl - who just believed a stupid little fantasy about falling in love.

Maybe, I have anger management problems. I have difficulty controlling my anger. I wish I was more Zen. I think this is why B could not be with me... or this is what he led me to believe the problem was.

But, there were so many challenges in our relationship. First of all we both worked really hard. When we did spend time together - we were tired. We went into a Heros Watching Marathon in the fall instead of talking with each other. Ya, okay perhaps that is sad and disconnecting.

Plus, we were in a long distance relationship. Which has its challenges. A lot. I have so much to say about this. I do know that I am no longer attracted to men who have the exotic feeling of being from somewhere else. I need a guy who lives here.

Plus, we had an 18 year age difference. We are at different places in our lives. He is preparing for retirement and I am heading into my hardworking years. No, let be more clear, he is preparing for retirement and he works like a dog.

I am 5'10 and he is 5'5. After having a rebound with a guy about 6'3, I did realize that I like tall men. B was strong and so hot and so sexy, but I felt so small and sexy with the taller guy.

Plus, I really believe that B needs to communicate more. Yes, I do have communication issues. But, I want to learn to be a better communicator.

I want a man who can support me financially. Okay, I know that is the worse thing to say in this day and age. But, I do. I am being totally honest. I do not want to be the breadwinner and I do not want to be in a house where need a double income for survival. Where, if we were to have kids then I would have to work full time and raise kids. Ouch. Sounds too hard. I am really not sure that I could do that.

I have a new office and I am just hiding out in it right now. There is no one here and it feels so good. I am so tired of being around people all of the time. I need some alone time.

I think I may be crazy sometimes.

I feel that some good anti-depresants may help me a bit. I wish I was more even - less emotional. I am the one who is taking myself away from groups of people.

I am unlovable.!

Yikes, here it is.

My feelings of being unlovable.

So I isolate myself from people becuase I am scared of people discovering my BIG secret of being unlovable. It is this fear which stops me from achieving what I want in my life.

So what I will do is hide out in this office. I need to manifest money.

I am a great manifestor. This is very true about me.

So I am going to manifest money. So I am going to manifest more customers. I am going to manifest higher sales and transactions. I am manifesting happy people around me.

I do think that my sales are directly linked to my feelings. So if I am feeling down, then my sales are down. This week I have been feeling down - about B. Blah.

And sales were really low this week. I need to feel higher and to feel totally fall of love.

How about getting a tattoo on my wrist which says Lovable. Or just love.

You are lovable.

Something silly to just remind myself of what I am.

Ian told me to take my mind off of all of these small things... these small things which hold me back from manifesting love and money.

Yes, I want love and money.

Tila Tequila is great at communicating. I really wish I could communicate more like her. Instead I am just this angry bitch who does not listen.

How can I manifest money and love if I am just not communicating and not clear.

So I want to listen more. I want to give off of the impression that I am happier. I want to be more positively expressed.

Aysen's cheque bounced this week. Yikes. I had to transfer the money today - $300 - from my house's mortgage account to the business account to insure there would be enough money for her cheque.

I have not gotten paid yet. I manifest money for my trip and to pay all of my bills.

I want to be more like Tila Tequila. Wow, did I really just type that. Well, she is cute and bright and successful and positive and clear with her communication.

I respect this about her.

I want to be a cute little positive success who is great at communicating.

Success and money and love.

Is it too much to want it all?

I have learned a lot from B. I am closer to having what I want. It may take a little bit more of time. But, I can have an amazing man. I really can.

I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable. I am lovable.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Single on line

2008-06-04T13:58:00.002+10:00

I just created a Lavalife Profile. I am starting to hyperventulate. I am in trouble! Holy Shit. I did fuck it up with B. He is a great guy with some commitment issues. Yikes! I could really just overlook them. Not a big deal really. I promise to never eat Mushroom Risotto again!

Please, I do not want to date online. It scares me and freaks me out way too much.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Mushroom Risotto

2008-06-04T13:24:00.002+10:00

What I think I want to write to B but I probably should not.

Buff,

I think you are an amazing person and I am grateful for the time we have spent together. I was extremely happy spending time with you. I understand that we are at different places in our lives. I honestly believed that we would still work regardless of the obstacles - this is the romantic in me and this is the me who believes love is what matters most.

I am sorry that I ordered the mushroom risotto - I did not do it to be rude or to make you upset or hurt you in any way. I am sorry that you felt these things. I was cold from walking around all day in the snow and I wanted a warm and nurturing dish - I believed that the mushroom risotto would help me. I understand now that you were feeling negative things from my action of ordering the risotto.

(Oh my god, as if I am just writing this whole nice apology email about ordering a mushroom risotto?!?!)

I need to start dating. I need to get my mind off of B. Yikes.

I am seeing a psychic tomorrow - maybe this will help me a bit.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

2008-06-04T12:30:00.003+10:00

I just met with Ian - my intuitive coach - he says I am done purging and now it is time to create. But first, I must clarify what I want.

What am I wanting in a man? B is an amazing person - no question. It was really easy and fun for me to want to be with him, to visualize us together. He is a great guy with a great lifestyle and he knows what he wants in life. I admire this solidity in making your dreams come true. Unfortunately, I was not a part of his plans. He is a 49 year old bachelor who wants the girlfriend but not the commitment. It hurt like hell to realize this.

So here I am starting fresh.

What do I want?

I want to have a place in Vancouver and a place in a ski town. I want land next to water. A wooded piece of land which I build my house on. A place that you can only reach by boat, plane or helicopter ( B had this and I miss this part of him so much).

Ah, it is like I just get stuck. I love B and it is challenging for me to walk away. But, it really is done. If he wanted to be with him he could have made an effort.... but, he just goes and does his stuff. I am turning into a bitter and nagging girl and I hate it. I do not feel like a woman with him. It is like I am a little girl with little girl emotions which she cannot control.

Then I have to ask myself, is the enjoyment of enjoying his land worth all the days he does not call me, all the weeks we do not see each, the wall he has when upset, the lack of communication, the sensual text messages from Natasha.

Did I over react? This is a question I ask myself all the time. Am I too sensitive? Too demanding? Too immature? Too accusing?

I do miss him. I do love him.

But, then the other side of the coin is that our relationship has become unhealthy. Making us both unhappy and acting out.

How do people get through this stuff?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Bike

2008-05-12T13:19:00.000+10:00

Hey Buff,

As I mentioned, it was unexpectedly difficult for me to see Keith this week. It has brought up so many thoughts and questions for me. If it was this hard for me to see Keith, it is going to be ridiculously hard for me to see you and I don't think it is a good idea. Which is why I want to know why you are so keen on buying this bike for me.

I just don't understand why you want to buy me this bike?

If there is any part of you that is wanting to do this out of guilt, then don't do it. I do not want a gift which is heavy in guilt energy. It takes the enjoyment of giving and recieving a gift away.

If you are feeling guilty, an apology or recognituion of what you are feeling is far more valuable than a material object.

A bike is not going to eliminate the guilt or pain either of us are feeling.

Also, if you buy me this bike, am I going to have to see you? I really don't know if I am ready for that. I would rather not have the bike if it means I have to see you to pick it up.

Are you wanting to pay me back for the hotel in Hakuba? So you reckon a bike is a good way to call it even? If this is the case, just send me a cheque and let's avoid the shenanagins around the bike.

I have been incredibly naive in my life in regards to love. I really believed in the idea that I would meet someone, fall in love with them and vice versa. I also really want to share my life with someone and I really want to be a strong part of someone else's life. And eventually to create a shared life together, building dreams and creating a wonderful balance of he and I.

I am feeling disappointed in myself this week. I am feeling like I a failure. I feel immature and young. I just feel really stupid.

During our relationship, I really doubted myself, and I was scared. Part of these emotions were due to the struggle I was experiencing with my business. As I mentioned on the phone; last year, I was so incredbily scared and freaked out. I do understand that this had a huge negative impact on our relationship. I apologize for this. I know that you were always there for me with encouraging words. When we were together, you always provided a shoulder for me to cry on, a good meal and a beautiful hug.

Also, part of my fear and doubt also came from our relationship. I really needed to feel loved. I loved you so much, more than I have loved any other man in my life. I was willing to sell myself short in the short term, becuase I truly believed that one day we would be able to spend more time together. Because we were not together in the present, I did look to the future, I needed an ideal, a goal, a dream to carry me through the hard periods of not being with you. I feel now that you did not see me in your future at all - I was just a temporary girlfriend for you, someone who would always be at a distance because I was too busy in my life to relocate for you.

I know now that I need to physically spend time with the man I love. And I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and not avoid it or dread it or make reasons as to why it cannot work.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Purging

2008-04-11T02:24:00.002+10:00

I did an Iowaska Ceremony last Saturday. It was good. Very mellow and relaxing. Not at all what I had anticipated it to be like.

I did not purge nor have a bad gut during the ceremony. There was some discomfort but nothing like I had experienced before in Ecuador. I was left the sense that I am constipated in my life. That I have a lot of stuck energy blocking everything.

Since the ceremony I have been focussing on one physical area of my life to purge - to clean, to throw out everything which is not serving me or contributing to my constipation.

Once again B and I are struggling. This is the furthest I have come from him - we have not seen each other since February 4th, in Tokyo. My friend Trent who I did the ceremony with compared me with a crack addict. Like I am just addicted to B and I start to wilt and fall apart when I don't have my fix. It is such a gross comparison and sadly so true. So we made a bet. Everytime I call B for the next two months until June 5th, then I owe Trent a $20 store credit.

I have started a rebound relationship. It has been so much fun. Sometimes I think I like the guy because I do enjoy his company immensely and I do spend a lot of time with him. But, I am scared of liking him for a few reasons. One being he is everything B was not - tall, 35 years, has hair, a bit pudgy, urban, slick styles, amazing communicator, works for big company, blue collar, slobby in his home, immaculate in his dress, stability and security.

I fluxuate between these two men. Sometimes I miss B immensely and I push Rebound away. Or, I am with Rebound and I push B away. But, basically I am replacing my crack addiction with cocaine.

Or, I am replacing my crack addiction with Big Brother 9. Wow, truly out there. So I am trying to replace my BB9 addiction with purging my life.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Same Pathetic Place

2008-03-20T15:35:00.002+10:00

I have not read or written on this blog in long while. Here I am in March of 2008. B and I had a fabulous fall and winter together.

In August we went to Toronto and cottage country together for a week. It was so much fun. Then he moved to V town in October for 6 weeks. Then we went Cat Skiing in teh Kootney's for New Years. And saw each other again in Japan in late January.

However, it is now the same place and I have the same concerns I had last June. It is pathetic. For more than a year I have been feeling the same things. I love B and it is great when we are together, but I feel a real resistance from him and lack of wanting to meet me half way.

I broke up with him last week. I know he and I have been through this so it really means nothing. More recently, I sent him an email saying it would be best if we did not see each other when he came to Vancouver. I mean it. I need a clean break away from him.

I am feeling bored and lazy. I have very little motivation to do stuff. My house is a pig stye, I am disorganized. I don't know, I am just feeling blah. But, I am not crying or emotional just blah.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

On and Off

2007-06-19T04:45:00.000+10:00

On and off. This is B and I right now.

I love him but I feel like it is this struggle and people who are in healthy relationships say that it is not suppose to be hard. But it is hard with him and I.

I feel like he has so much resistance to me. So now I hold back... no calling, no emailing, no texting, no facebooking. Nada.

I need to open myself up to other men. I want to cut B out now completely. I need to consider myself single.

I want to be a with a man who is crazy excited to see me. B is excited see me, but he is also excited to get a full day of mountain biking in, to eat nachos and have beers with his friends. I am left waiting.

He arrived an hour and a half late for a date we had on Thursday. I was livid. Then I cried all night because I was so hurt and I was so mad. He stayed until Sunday morning. But, I just feel done. No more.

A very cute guy came into my store. His name is Dwight. He came in once before and I hope he comes back soon. He mentioned that he would. He grew up in Missasauga, Ontario, he is 37, and he is the youngest of 4 boys.

There is also Alejandro. Who I do enjoy. I hesitate with him. He is Mexican and I do not want to get entangled in another long distance scenerio.

I feel tired and I want a man who will help me. B is not the guy. He wants to help and he does help but he is in town so briefly and he needs to do personal errands so he is not able to help me as much as I would like.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

B and I

2007-06-01T06:42:00.001+10:00

Things got extremely bad with B on Friday. Really bad.

I discovered on Thursday that I was going to have the weekend off - my first weekend off in months. I called B to see if he wanted to meet up. I told him I had to be in Vtown because of a wedding shower on Sunday at 1pm. I came to the realization that I would be really lame to stay in town for a wedding shower instead of taking off for 3 or 4 days. So I called him back to create new and different plans.

Anyways I am not sure what happened but over the course of a morning we were on the several together several times.

At one point I told him that someone from Nelson had told me they had heard he was flirting with another woman. I told him this. He confessed to kissing someone - a 40 year old with kids. I was slightly choked but I understood that we were broken up so ..... c'est la vie.

He told me that he realized from kissing her that he missed me immensely.

So anyhow it came out a couple of hours later in a different phone conversation that he had sex with her. Oh, I totally lost it. I could not speak for a couple of minutes.... then I just got really mad. I locked myself in my bathroom and I ripped my bathroom apart. I literally tore shelves off the wall and through things and broke things. Wow!! I don't think I have ever gotten that mad in my life.

That night after work I packed my car up to go camping. Around 8:30 pm I decided it was a better idea to join my roomate at the Sasquatch Music Festival at the Gorge. I reckoned I could meet some guy and flirt and have sex with him. I called B to talk to him. After a long conversation we decided that I would drive to Nelson and we would go camping on his land on Kootney Lake.

I left the city at 9:30pm, I drove for a few hours, slept in the car with Link and I arrived in Nelson at 11am the next day.

We had not seen each other since mid April. It was good. We were both very cautious, nice and apologetic at first. He made us a nice salad for lunch; then we fixed his boats windows and pack up.

We arrived at his land just as it was getting dark. The boat broke down and we had to paddle the last bit.

We smoked pot and drank that night just enjoying each other company. We slept next to each other.

The next morning we waked and baked which was a good start to the day. We basically spent the day walkin around his property with the dog and exploring his neighbours places. We talked a lot. We did mushrooms and E. We needed it.

He hugged me with these huge long hugs. Placing himself in a very vulnerable position. Gradually our barriers melted away.

We did not kiss until we were in the Hot Springs the next day. We were in the cave and we shared a very long intimate kiss.

It felt good to spending time with him. We do have an incredible connection.

Are we back together? I do not consider us back together. I am open to new experiences with him and other men. We will see each other again mid June. And I am thinking of going up to his land again on July long weekend.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

loving and not loving

2007-05-21T05:25:00.002+10:00

I called B this morning to tell him that I love him.

I feel like I am dual personality.... my healer tells me that we all feel this way. Sometimes I am loving and postive and optimistic; during these times I feel tuned in to my path and to the universe and I feel I understand my place. Then there are times when I feel tormented and sad and depressed. And I can fluxuate between these two parts of me very quickly and sometimes several times a day.

And since yesturday I have been feeling loving towards B. I understand that we have this conflict of being apart and having a long distance relationship... but I feel so deeply that he is someone who I want to be in my life. I feel like he and I are on the same way.

Although, yes, he did say in the break up email that it is time to go seperate ways.

Am I just being dillusional?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

How much space

2007-05-20T03:19:00.000+10:00

Finally B and I are talking again. He has returned from Greenland. Things got worse as he fell asleep when we had set up a time to meet. Then he texted me the next day to apologize. I kind of lost it after that. I was an emotional mess. I could not work. I left town for a few days and went camping at Long Beach with Link.

I have been really sad the past few weeks. There is a part of me which is still in love with B and I believe that he is the one for me. Then there is part of me that is so disappointed, hurt and angry by his behaviour that I am happy our relationship is over.

We have spoken on the phone three times. Two conversations were mostly me telling him how hurt and upset I am. He listened patiently. I spent a lot of time being in his business. Then we had one converstation where we both apologized. I was sincerely sorry for my behaviour.

He told me he wants to come to Vancouver for a week or so. I am on the fence. I really want to see him.... but he has been really immature. I ask myself who in my life would support me getting back together with B. I am not sure if anyone would after what he did.

I got upset on the phone on a Tuesday. He did not return any of my calls then he left for Greenland the next day. There was no contact between us until I got an email from him Friday morning breaking up with me. Then we did not talk on the phone for another 2 weeks when he was in town for one night...

I gave him a lot of reflections last night. They were not all nice and not necessarily true.

Cristine told me it was up to me if B and I got back together... becuase I would have to forgive him. I don't know if I can. I feel thtt if I forgive him then I am being a doormat. But maybe I need to work on forgiveness. I need to understand how forgiveness feels and the greater impact it can have on a relationship.

B runs away from confrontation where I deal with head on and full of energy. I do not back down. He is the chihahua and I am pit bull.

He told me that he would call me today. We will see. I would love it if he called me today but I have learned with him not to expect him to do what he says he will do.

He told me on Tuesday night that he loves that he just needs his space. I understand. But, he has not seen me in over a month... so how much space does he need?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

A possibility

2007-05-08T12:09:00.000+10:00

I just met with Ben the son of the Angel Communicator. I spoke to him for a long time and I listened to him for a long time. He is only 18. A very normal 18 year old - he skate boarded here, he likes to party, he is finishing high school soon... yet, he is so insightful.

What I learned from him is that there is hope with B. That B did love me and that he still loves me a reasonable amount. There is hope that we can work through this. But, it is entirely up to B. I need to let go of him. Focus on myself. When I see him this week, I need to speak softly, to listen, to be patient, to create a space for him to be.

I already feel like this is stuff I learned this week .... but it does help to listen to someone else tell me the same things.

I do have a lot of sadness in me with the end of B. I really do not want it to end. Ben could not tell me if we are or are not going to get back together. It will be a spoiler and I will not learn what I need to learn.

He basically said that I need to listen more. That I need to kick back and relax and not be so demanding of who I am or what my expectations are. I need to let go of expectations.

Ben also said that with Buff this is an unresolved issue with his mom - who died 2 years ago. This does make me feel better. But, I do feel terrible for getting angry with him and not being a patient person.

Ben also said that it is okay to get angry but it is not okay to just express this anger on other people. I do need to work on this.

He mentioned that becuase my energy is so strong that although it is important for me to be myself, it is also important for me to listen to others more - to just be quieter.

It is up to me if I want to see B this week. I need to give him space. ... But I can manifest what I want.

I love B, I want to see him.

Ben said that there was a possibility that B and I can work through this.

A possibility - there is hope.

Ben also said that there was B did think of marriage with me.

Ben said that I will get married and I will have kids.

Things may not work out with B - I love him and I really hope they do. I need to let go..... no expectations.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Scorpio & Cancer

2007-05-05T11:38:00.000+10:00

SCORPIO AND CANCER COMPATIBILITY

You harmonize with Cancer, because the Moon, ruling planet of Cancer, combines with your Pluto to promote a constructive relationship. You could marry a Cancer because there is, with a native of this sign, a desire to settle down and have a home of your own. Cancer affects that part of your chart having to do with long-range planning. You look ahead; you make adjustments. You begin to utilize your assets more intelligently. You begin an investment program. You gain Power because more people become aware of what you're about with Cancer, there is a solidity and you can bring together dissenting factions. Listen: you possess loads of power, creative ability which needs an outlet. Cancer helps find that outlet. Cancer makes a home or makes it possible for you to obtain a place you can call home. The Moon of Cancer has a magnetic appeal for you. Where disruptive elements exist, they evaporate when you get together with Cancer.

Both Cancer and Scorpio are of the Water element; both are sensitive and predisposed toward being psychic. There is a bond of understanding here. You could meet a Cancerian and feel you have known that person for a number of years. The appeal is on mental, emotional and physical levels. Now, listen: I am not attempting to describe some sort of utopia. Not all will be perfect with Cancer, nor with the native of any other sign. But the odds for your success with Cancer are greater than with numerous other natives. There is no sensational blast; the evolvement is gradual, but the progress is steady. You build, with Cancer, on a solid foundation. If patient and perceptive, mature and receptive, you could find greater happiness and fulfillment as a result of your association with Cancer. In actuality, Scorpio, of course, it is up to you.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Numerology

2007-05-05T11:22:00.000+10:00

Bouquet for U and B

3 roses and 6 thistles .

Your relationship is becoming more and more difficult, the fuse is alight and you're merely waiting for the explosion. You don't agree on several issues and you are both too stubborn to concede. Some people enjoy arguments, but all the time?

Bouquet for U and B...

5 roses and 4 thistles .

Not a bad match, you get along well and know how to put things back together after a fight. The most important thing is that you enjoy each other's company, and find one another stimulating. Your connection is based on rare mutual attraction.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

More and more

2007-05-05T11:21:00.001+10:00

Romantic Compatibility

The Compatibility and Interaction

Scorpio and Cancer

This partnership may bloom like a flower! Both the parties are very intense and passionate. The relationship they share may be exceptionally strong and wholehearted. A Scorpio is possessive, and possession include near ones with a jealous eye. A Cancer will understand this and give never a cause for mistrust. A Scorpio loves a neat and comfortable home and so does Cancer. In this respect they may complement each other. They are both great home lovers. A Cancer may not meet another sign that has the potential of evolving a sensual side that may bloom in the physical union between the two. Love and sex will be so intermingled that an emotional Cancer will find it very stimulating. This is an excellent partnership.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

More Compatibility

2007-05-05T11:12:00.001+10:00

Scorpio - Cancer
Compatibility Reading

When Cancer and Scorpio come together, the resulting relationship brings together two Signs of great emotional depth. Signs such as these often combine well, each partner's strengths balancing the other's weaknesses. These Signs have a strong sexual attraction, and when they are together the temperature in the room tends to rise! Cancer and Scorpio have a great deal in common which will keep their relationship strong.

Cancer and Scorpio enjoy working together toward acquisition and create a comfortable living space: Cancer wants security and Scorpio wants power. Both of these Signs are about domestic goods and resources, including stocks, bonds and inheritances. They are both passionate and deeply emotionally touched by all aspects of life. They complement each other because Cancer and Scorpio are both concerned with the home and both have fierce loyalty to the family group.

Cancer is ruled by the Moon and Scorpio is ruled by Mars and Pluto. This combination is very intense, thanks to Pluto's influence, but it's a good balance of masculine and feminine energy. The two Signs coming together form the basic foundation of human relationships -- The Moon's nurturing love and Mars' passion. The Moon and Mars go well together; The Moon is about growth and rebirth , and Mars is about the passion of romance. Scorpio is smoldering and intense, and Cancer is attracted to this intensity; in turn, Scorpio enjoys the adoration inherent in Moon-ruled Cancer.

Cancer and Scorpio are both Water Signs. Both are very deep Signs and like the ocean, you can never really see the bottom. Scorpio and Cancer emotionally draw further and further into themselves, then suddenly roar back with intimidating force. Cancer and Scorpio are strongly loyal to each other, a product of their mutual desire for emotional security. But while Cancer is fixated on the family and home Scorpio is more focused on the undercurrents of life. Scorpio can show Cancer beyond the literal surface, while Cancer can teach Scorpio not to fear their emotions. Additionally, Scorpio appreciates the Cancerian practicality and Cancer enjoys Scorpio's jealousy -- it proves that Scorpio really loves and cherishes them.

Cancer is a Cardinal Sign and Scorpio is a Fixed Sign. Once they have a common wish, it will be realized due to their efforts. However, if their opinions clash, look out! Cancer will be the first to instigate an argument and Scorpio the last to finish it. It often appears that Cancer will get its own way and be the dominant partner, but that isn't always the actual conclusion. Sometimes Scorpio won't even agree to disagree, although they might pretend to give in. Both partners are not beyond using emotional manipulation to get revenge. It's important for these partners to discuss what is truly important to them so they can reach an equitable compromise. Once Scorpio and Cancer learn to trust one another and believe in each other, they are a pair that can achieve almost anything through sheer determination. The relationship will only fail if the two partners truly cannot overcome their opinionated, stubborn sides.

The best aspect of the Cancer-Scorpio relationship is their powerful teamwork when they agree on their goals. When Cancer realizes that Scorpio is there for the long haul and that the partnership is emotionally productive, this relationship can blossom. Their mutual determination makes theirs a relationship of formidable strength.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Compatibility

2007-05-05T11:04:00.000+10:00

I retrieved the following from a website about horoscope compatibility. I would say that this sums up my relationship with B.

Scorpio + Cancer

Water + Water = Deluge

When people are born under the same element, they generally feel comfortable with and attracted to each other. You and Cancer fall into this category, as both of you are water signs. Astrologically, Cancer is one of your best matches by far.

You are both sensitive, emotional and caring, but Cancer’s way of expressing love is very different from yours. Your love is demanding, and asks a lot more in return than Cancer can give.

Cancer will feel they’re showering you with love and kisses, but somehow it’s never enough. You have to make them feel precious if you want the relationship to work.

Cancer will handle your possessiveness better than most signs, because they are a pretty adaptable member of the zodiac, but you’ll have to learn to curb your desire to dominate sensitive Cancer with your unrealistic demands, both practical and emotional. You do tend to use that power of yours to gain your own ends.

Although Scorpio and Cancer are well suited elementally, there are differences sexually. You are driven by the purely sensual and sexual aspects of a relationship. You need a lot more passion than Cancer. Cancer needs love and bonding before they can express unbridled passion.

Cancer will find you a sort of ‘cause’ they can dedicate themselves to emotionally. Although your strength is off-putting to some signs, Cancer tends to be able to connect directly with your soul. This can unnerve you, but at the same time endear them to you. You’ll have a long and loving relationship with them if you open up your heart.

Cancers born between 4 July and 13 July also have a strong attraction for you — and to you. They will easily satisfy your complex needs. Both of you will be immediately drawn to each other, and your magnetic and sexual compatibility will be evident from the start.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Feeling Down

2007-05-05T06:56:00.000+10:00

Now I am feeling depressed. I have very low energy, very little motivation, very little focus.... I just feel like I don't care. I was planning a bbq tomorrow night at my house. I don't want to do it. I could not find enough energy to clean the bbq or house for it. I am feeling so sad.

I have been very self relfective. I have learned that I always have to be right - this is a very ugly quality. It is not compassionate nor understanding. I am self righteous. I am obnoxious becuase of this. I have lost this amazing man becuase of my temper and my need to be right. I feel sick because of it.

B wrote me an email responding to mine. He agreed to meet with me when he comes to town. I think the only thing holding me together right is the hope that he and I will work this through and stay together. That this whole break-up was just us having a really big ugly fight.

I love him and I am not ready to let him go.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Hollywood Delusion

2007-05-03T02:36:00.000+10:00

I must watch too many hollywood movies. Becuase I want the happy ending. I see in my mind the ending of us meeting when he flies through Vancouver on May 13th. That we will talk, we will share, we will communicate and we will see that we love each other and becuase we love each other we can make this work.

Am I just super naive to think Love is enough to make it work?

I don't just fall in love with men. B was super special to me.

I want our relationship to work. I want us to stay together. I want us to be happy and flourish.

Yet, there is a part of me that has to be prepared that he will not want to meet with me, that he will not want to talk with me. Or, that if he does talk with me, then he will not want to make our relationship work. Or, worse, he will tell me that he no longer loves me.

I sent him an email yesturday. It said:

Hey B

I respect your decision to terminate our relationship. Let's meet when you fly
through Vancouver on the 13th and speak to each other face to face.

I love you too. I also want you and I to be happy.

Best,
U

I only sent it when I felt that I would be able to accept a no response or a no to us meeting.

I should be working.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Wanting to get back together

2007-05-03T02:23:00.000+10:00

Today I am feeling sad. I was feeling good for a couple of days then I went to Yoga last night and it reminded me of B and I felt sad.

I really feel liked I fucked up the best man who I have ever been with. I feel sick about this. I am in this thought process that I may not meet someone better. That that was my chance and I fucked it.

I am still fluxuating between being upset with how I was being treated in the relationship, as well as, who I ultimately became - which was a nasty, angry person.

Not one person is telling me to give it a second go. This is hard to hear. Becuase just 10 days ago we were perfect for each other and now we are not.

I have the new puppy - now called Link - who is helping me focus on something else. However, I am really bummed out. Just lethargic, not doing my hair, not doing my make-up, not cleaning my house.

I really am not wanting to move on. I really want to give B another go. I just don't think it is worth giving up on someone because they fucked up - this is for him and I. I do believe that we both fucked up in this relationship.

However, for me it is more important that I learn my lessons from this, that I grow, and I that I understand where I am repelling men.

I need to let go of what B needs to learn from this. It does not concern me - he will either choose to learn or not choose.

I think the fuck up for both of us is our communication. We both take on these extreme masculine and femine roles in our communication. We need help. The fact that he used email to end our relationship shows the lack of communication we have.

I still love him and I want us to resolve this issue and stay together.

I don't want to tell anyone how I feel because no one is really supportive of the relationship. This is sad. That should tell me something right there.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Yuck with Me

2007-05-01T14:54:00.000+10:00

Wah. wah. wah. Oh, I just read my last blog and it is soooooo melodramitic!!

Argh. It actually embarrassing. Can you sense all the neediness and victim in it?!

I am feeling fine today. Really.

I am coming to a clear understanding and I am listening to people and what they are saying. There are a lot of wise people in my life..... hmmmmmm... If only I could be as wise.

Really, with me, the problem is that I am soooo intense. I loved B with all of me.... but it was such a new experience for me that it just got out of control and weird. I asked him for help back in March. I don't understand how to be in love and in a relationship. I really need a lot of guidance and support. I was hoping he could help me.... but it was too much for him.

He does want me to be happy. But, I am this crazy intense person who can be too hard too please. A nightmare girlfriend. No wonder he dumped my sorry ass.

Yuck! Yuck! I don't want to be that person so how do I not be that person? How do I avoid it?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

More than words

2007-04-30T02:43:00.000+10:00

So I am feeling sad and out of sorts. Lost between loving him and not loving him.

I fluctuate between anger, hurt, sorrow and joy.

I sometimes cry so hard I cannot see and other times I am numb.

I am lucky. I have so many friends who have reached out to me and want to be with me and want to show me that I am special and loved. They are making a point to spend time with me.

I want to see Buff face to face again. I think it is important for us to have a conversation. I just really do not understand how he broke up with me in an email.

I loved him so much. I really believed that he and I would last the distance. I am really surprised that he bailed.

But, then I am not. He has shown me that he is selfish. It is time to finally start working on my schedule and focussing on my wants - and he bailed. It shows he cannot give fully of himself to a female partner.

And "partner" is the wrong word to use with him. He does not want a "partner", he wants a woman who has nothing going on in her life and will wait around for him.

Two of his previous girlfriends left because they wanted to pursue other things other than being in Nelson waiting for Buff to return from his work trips. And, one girlfriend cheated on him. He does not know how to be a giving attentive partner all the time.

When I was with him, he definately had 100% of his attention on me. But, it occurs to me that as soon as he was out of sight, he gets so focussed on whatever is in front of him, that he would sort of forget about me. Hence, the reason he would not call when he said he would, or would make other plans thus cancelling our plans. He would just forget about me. This did not mean that he did not love me. I am sure that he loved me, but by just forgetting me, he was not showing me that he loved me.

It is like the song from the 90's:

Saying I love you

Is not the words I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you

Not to say, but if you only knew

How easy it would be to show me how you feel

More than words is all you have to do to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand

All you have to do is close your eyes

And just reach out your hands and touch me

Hold me close don't ever let me go

More than words is all I ever needed you to show

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Analysis of our Time - (the Dumping Email)

2007-04-30T02:42:00.000+10:00

Time lines flying around the world trying to find time to connect with you on
the internet. This in itself is indicative of how I have developed this
relationship.

Been feeling sick, not sleeping and jet lagged thinking about how we are trying
to get this relationship to work.

The long distance in our relationship is not working for me, nor you.
We love eachother when we are together and the anxiety grows deep between us
when we are appart.

You said something to me a couple of weeks ago that went deep. Mostly because
it was so true. You said I was an old man not wanting to change.

Some of me has taken a long time to develope into a self preservation. The
change is enevatable, its the growth that is associated that is where the
developemnet lays.

I like the work I do. It has taken a life time to carve and it has not been
easy. I am hitting a stride that is a time in my life to make a comfortable
living and securtiy for a future when I can not work any more.

Nelson is my home and the tribe that lives there are my family. Not my blood
family but my choosen family. Which in my life has been the most important for
me. Nelson and my house is where I regain my strength. Deepen my spirit.It has
been and presently is where I grow. I find myself pining to be at my home and
finding tranquility. The developement with you and I in Vancouver gives me so
much angst I find resentment towards you.

I am ending my committment with our relationship with the amount of projected
time we need to make this relationship even come close to making it hobble
along. The amount of time that is needed to have our relationship evelove into
the best it could be, does not work with the different places we live/work and
want to spend our down time. We are in diferent places on the linear time line
of the time we have on this planet

Unity you are a beautiful, energetic intelegent women. Our time and
circumsatnces with where we are in these stages of our lives is not making us
better people. We are finding we are not the people we want to be. Our
personalities are devolving.

I am taking this time in Greenland to disconnect with our relationship as harsh
as it is.

I love you and I want you and I to be a happy people.

Take care. B

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Dumped by Email

2007-04-30T02:00:00.000+10:00

I just got an email from the man I was totally in love. He broke up with me in the email. I received the email Friday morning. We had not spoken since Tuesday afternoon.

We are doing long distance. We got in an argument on the phone. I actually got in the argument. I was very upset. I said a lot of things. Some were nasty, but most were honest.

I love this man and when I love someone I want to give. I love to give. I have been feeling for awhile that he was not giving as much as I needed. I have been feeling that our entire relationship was on his terms.

He has a demanding work schedule. In the summer and falls he works in the film industry. In the winters he teaches avalanches courses and does heli guiding. When we saw each other was based on his work schedule and then when he could he made time for me.

He was very good making time for me. He did spend a lot of his time off with me. This is true. However, he was vague when communicating with me about when his time off was. I was often left waiting until the last minute to learn if we were going to see each other or not.

Women do not function well if we do not have concrete plans. We, women, like to have something to look forward too. Having plans makes us feel good and confident. When we do not have plans to look forward to we feel unsure and insecure.

He kept telling me that we would do the long distance for the Winter season and we would see what happens. In March I was in Nelson visiting him. I was there for 5 days and it was the first time I had seen him in 6 weeks.

I was in love (and I still do love him - thus making the break-up very confusing and devasting). I suppose I am naive when it comes to love. I believe in the fairytale - that if you love someone then you want to be with them - that you will do what it takes so you can be with that person.

Buff, he does not believe in this. He may love me. However, he always did what he wanted to do - he made all of the decisions. Then if the relationship was to work, I had to accept his decisions. I felt like I was constantly bending towards him to accomodate his needs - mostly based on his work schedule and the regenerating time he needed in Nelson.

I felt that come Spring - when he finally had time off - that he and I could finally spend time together. Take a vacation, he could come to Vancouver, I could go to Nelson, we could talk on the phone every day - that the Spring was an obvious time for us to create a strong foundation for our love.

Well, when I was in Nelson in March not only did he introduce as his "friend" a few times, but he also told people that he was going to be in Nelson for the Spring working on his bathroom. This is how I found out that he had no intention of coming to Vancouver to be with me. He did not open a conversation with me where we both had equal say and shared the decision making - he TOLD me what we would be doing.

I think I was in shock at the time, plus I wanted to be the good girlfriend, I did not want to rock the boat. So I said nothing - I accepted what Buff wanted - I guess becuase I was in love with him and I wanted him to accept me.

So to make a long story just a little shorter. We spoke at the beginning of April. At that time Buff agreed to spend 2 weeks in Nelson, then 2 weeks in Vancouver or with me. I requested of him that he start being a strong presence in my life or he could not be in life. It was too hard for me to continue to have this invisible boyfriend. I want someone who wants to be in my life and who wants to do things for me to show me that they love me. Buff agreed.

We had the first dinner with my parents. He even told my parents at dinner that he was going to spend 2 weeks in Nelson and then 2 weeks in Vancouver. When he told my parents, it made it official for me.

So the argument that we had on Tuesday was me getting mad at him for breaking his word to me.

I called him Tuesday morning. In that conversation he told me that he was leaving for Greenland the next day. So once again he TOLD me what was happening and I had to accept in order to be in a relationship.

My anger about this situation is not about him going to Greenland. It is about how he communicates it to me. He just tells me. He does not attempt at all to make me feel involved in the decision making process. Now, understand that by going to Greenland, he has cancelled his plans with me. So, he does not call me up with a better plan for the two of us. He does not say to me, "hey, how about we go to London on the 13th for a week. " I would say, "Hey, wow, sure that sounds like fun!" Then he would say, "Oh, by the way I am going to Greenland tomorrow for 2.5 weeks." I would be open to his travel to Greenland becuase he would be giving something really amazing to look forward too - a trip to London and time alone with him.

So, I was mad on Tuesday. And, yes, I do admit that I behaved inappropriately. I wanted to be loving and accepting of his plans, but it hurt me so deep that he so easily cancels his time with me. That he so easily dismisses me. And that he does not understand why I am so hurt.

I felt on Tuesday that he did not love me. I felt that I could not trust him - that he says he is going to see me or he says he is going to call me - but then he does not. I am left hanging. There are a few times where I have rearranged my work schedule - making time off to see him and then he cancels. I said to him on Tuesday that his word means nothing to me becuase he has lost his integrity with me.

I said some really bad things. All I wanted him to do was hold me, kiss me and tell me that he loves me. But, we are 9 hours away from each other. There is no touching, no kissing, no feeling. We only have the phone and computers to communicate. But, when you say you are going to call and then you don't - that is equal to breaking a date in a long distance relationship. He did this several times, or he would call several hours after he stated he would call.

So we got off the phone. I called him Tuesday night on his land line and cell phone. I really wanted to talk to him in the evening when I was not at work. He did not call. I was hurt.

I called him Wednesday before his flight left. He did not answer. Instead I got an email from him breaking up with me on Friday morning.

I am so devasted. I am stuck between knowing that if he is so cowardly that he has to break up with me in an email then he really is not the strong person who makes himself out to be. However, I do love him, and a part of me feels that this whole thing is a big fat miscommunication and we just need to talk with each other face to face in a calm manner to sort this through.

Essentially I feel hurt. Really hurt and I am in disbelief.

As a friend said last night, if he is going to bolt after an argument then he is not worth being in a relationship.

Another friend emailed me this:

"He broke up with an email?? After 9 months???

I don't even know what to say, except I'm really sorry you're in pain. And to focus on getting clear about what really matters to you. To me, breaking up with someone after that long in an email after ignoring prepeated phone messages is a sign (a really big sign) that perhaps he didn't have the stuff you were looking for. There's a lot more to being a man than navigating avalanche country."

I am going to go get a dog now.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Attention is Attention

2007-04-13T11:44:00.000+10:00

Wow, it has been months!! What a fall and winter it has been.

I opened a store... and it is really fantastic!! It is gorgeous and great and just really super special.

I also fell in love.

What a shocker. Who would have thought. And, he is in love with me. What a bigger shocker.

The last several months have been amazing and challenging. I feel so blessed to know this man. He is a dream. Everything I wanted in a man he is - except he is a little shorter than I would have pictured my dream man to be. Oh well.

We are doing long distance and today is the first time we have seen each in other 19 days. This amount of time apart was a real challenge. He was on a boat out of communication range. He got in a bad avalanche and was very shaken up this experience.

There was not much I could do being in Vancouver and not really hearing from him. So I read a few books on relationships. It was very good for me to do some deep research like this. I also pulled some info off the internet on doing a LDR - short for 'Long Distance Relationship'. So I learned that I can not be needy or winey or demanding or emotional. So, I can state what I want, if nothing changes then the best avenue is to just ignore him.

And, it works. Wow. It would be so simple - if only I had not been wailing the three nights before he returned to Van. But, I guess I got all the crying out of my system and I have cursed tons under my breath during the past couple of weeks and I did go a little nut bar. According to the books these are all normal reactions in regards to how little we talked, we had no plans to look forward to and he was doing whatever he wanted in regards to time and I had to bend.

I was so happy to see him - even though I had been so angry. But, I played hard. After this fabulous lunch/early dinner at Card's I laid down my declaration of what I want - that was that. Strangely he seemed to go for it.

My advice for women. If he is being a dick then just ignore him. Negative attention is the same as positive attention for men - attention is attention. So give them no attention and they humbling become your servent.

Hmph!

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

New Territory - the fifth date

2006-09-22T14:12:00.000+10:00

Here I am in new territory. I have successfully made it pass the fourth date with the latest man in my life.

I should be thrilled, celebrating, planning a wedding.... but instead I am scared shitless. I have no idea what to do, how to behave, what to say.... I am at a total lost.

I realized the other night that I have mastered dating. I am so comfortable in a date situation. The first and second date is my stomping ground. Get me to the fifth date... well, I have not been here in 2 years. And, this is only my fourth time in the past 3.5 years.

This guy I am dating, well, he has mastered relationships. He has had two 7 year relationships and one four year. He has lived with three woman.

He seems more comfortable than me with this status of being past the fourth date.

I have been calling for coaching about twice a week.

I am so nervous.. He is coming over now. This will be about our 8th time hanging out in three weeks..... Yikes.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

New

2006-09-18T15:00:00.000+10:00

For a couple of years I have been desiring a relationship. I have been wanting this and focussing on this to different degrees at different times.

Here I am, I have been single for 7 years. Yes, 7 years! I am a virgin at relationships. I have no idea, not a fucking clue, what a relationship is. Everything I think a relationship is I have made up.

Remember when you were a virgin? I do. I remember feeling like I was missing something in life... something that everyone else knew about except me. It was a big deal. I wanted to lose my virginity so that I would no longer be left out. That I would be a part of knowing.... knowing what the big deal was all about.

I lost my virginity when I was 16. Seemed like a good age. I think when I was nearing my 17th Birthday I started getting somewhat desperate to meet someone to fuck. Because being a 17 year old virgin was bad, very bad. 17 was too old to be a virigin.

I was with a really nice guy. We had some really fantastic make-out sessions. Then on Thanks Giving night, a couple of weeks before my 17th Birthday, we had sex. It was not bad. It was fun and enjoyable. But, I definately walked away with the feeling of - that was weird, this is sex? This is what all the fuss is about?!

Of course, it was not until I older, gained more experience that sex became great and it finally became that big fuss.

Now, here I am nearing 30. I am weeks away. I am having the absolutely the best sex I have ever had in my entire life. Wow! Truly Wow! I am intimate with this absolutely amazing man. Truly Amazing! Sex is no longer this mystery, but relationships are.

I am beginning to realize the relationships I have been fiddling with these past 7 years all share in common that they were either short or extremely short. But, they also share in common an uncomfortableness. It was two people who were interested in each other, but there was something missing. A knowing, a comfort, a sharing, a humanism, deep intimacy of body, soul and emotions.

I am now seeing this man and it takes on this strange new experience for me. With him, I suddenly realise that I know nothing. That I am totally clueless. And, I realized that I am very scared.

I cover my fear with anxiety, anger and isolation. But, he has this way of drawing me closer. Of protecting me, of giving me a safe place, of making me feel secure.

He is different. He sees my insecurities, my fears, my anger, my weakness and he still is attracted to me. He does not always want to have sex with me. He will stroke me and hold me for an entire evening. When a few days before we shared unbelievable sex.... truly the BEST.

This is quite possibly a new path for me. And, I feel so uncomfortable with this newness, yet, I have never felt so comfortable.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Forever 21

2006-07-28T01:09:00.000+10:00

I went on a date last night with a 21 year old. He asked me out and he has been asking me since he met on July 1st. We met at a Canada Day breakfast at a Golf Club. His friends and him swarmed me at the coffee and he took a step out from the rest to ask who I was.

Since then he has called me parents to get my telephone number and introduced himself to my father on the golf course. He is said to be one of the best golfers at the club. He is currently studying at a University in Atlanta on a golf scholarship.

He invited me to watch the fireworks in a house on Beach Avenue. There was an open bar and appies and a lot of golfers firing it up.

Then we went dancing at the Caprice. Actually I danced he drank a lot more.

It was a fun date.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Pool Party

2006-07-25T06:19:00.000+10:00

A Trail of Men

2006-07-20T00:15:00.000+10:00

I was working this past weekend at the Folk Fest. I had a renegade booth outside the festival on the beach. There was a steady stream of people coming by all weekend - including men. There were ex's, new men, and current men. I find it intriguing how there are so many coming by but they never seem to be there at the same time.

The ex's that came by were the Professional Snowboarder on Saturday night. It was such a pleasure to see him. We were good friends in high schools. The Naked Beer Vendor came by Saturday afternoon - he is my only ex who I get an icky feeling from. I am never excited to see him. My ex-Boy Lover came by Friday night with a group of friends and hung out. Fransisco the guy who made the halibut but had no wine made a few appearances including Monday morning - on the verge of being very creepy.

Current interests include the amateur Golfer - he came by Saturday brunch time. The Token Mexican came by on Sunday. Kaare was there every night at closing - he gave me an anklet.

Plus there was total abundance in new men.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Opposite Impact

2006-07-14T16:34:00.000+10:00

I was just stoned before. I am back to feeling insecure. I returned his call.... perhaps, a little too eagerly. And, now I am waiting again.

I only analyze the whole calling thing when I like them. I lose all ability to be natural. I am planning and staking out every move. And watching the opponent to guess what they are thinking and what their next move will be.... Like a game of chess.

And, why am I playing this game?

Johnny told my roomate that he was seeing someone and not interested in me.

I think this while ManWoman Weekend was healthy and great to an extent. But, a result I am producing is attracting men I am not interested in and repelling men that I like. This is not quite the impact I was wanting to make.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Feeling what I want

2006-07-14T13:32:00.000+10:00

I am feeling like I am on edge. Like I am standing at the top of an abyss. I am so close to going over that edge. No matter what I am going over. This is my point in life where the ride is about to get really wild and crazy.

Who am I going to be going over the edge?

I spent the last several years climbing to this place. I made a collage of myself when I was 21. It is me standing on a mountain top with a bird of prey on my shoulder. This is my power picture. It is showing me where I am going. Now, it is happening. And, I am scared.

My business is about to totally change. It is about to get big. Really big. My love life is about to explode or implode. And, this could be the moment which I have been resisting from.

Maybe, Yoga Man is the guy for me. Maybe, he is not. Maybe, what works is to love him no matter what he does - calling or not calling. Maybe, this is what I am suppose to do in all areas of my life - love no matter what.

I am guilty of withdrawing my love when I am mad. I hold back. It is as if I am looking for a reason to make someone wrong, becuase once they are wrong then I don't have to love them. Then I can be safe and unharmed. I will not experience hurt from another person because I will not be placed in a position where they could hurt me. I can not be vulnerable.

This can be my life. Making others wrong so I don't have to be vulnerable.

OR, I can be vulnerable, and risk the possibility that I may feel bad if... something happens.

What happens?

Is it possible that I love Jesse?

I have been poking around. Poking you. Poking him. Poking her. Poking everything. Tasting it, sampling it, digging at it. It has been a high energy time. Tons of new people. All the time, every day. It is exciting and it is full-on.

Now.... I want a new experience.

I want to feel something deeper and closer to me. I want to feel an understanding. An understood. A knowing.

I want to burst with love and enthusiasm. I want to shine.

I want to drop into a total abyss of love, healing and peace.

I want to be the reason that in life people believe that anything is possible.

I want to be a leader of this power.

I want to be total love. I want to get of my world and get into everybody elses.

I want to be power. I want to share. I want to be in love. I want to allow myself to be vulnerable to experience love. I want it.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Scary

2006-07-14T13:13:00.000+10:00

Stoned. Finally.... I need to be grounded. I need to stop flying for a moment. I need to breathe. I need to stretch. I feel like I am moving so quickly and I am in this tornado blazing through life. I moving too quickly to make distinctions

"It's Jesse calling. um, ya. It has been a few days since I've saw you. And, and you haven't called me. Don't you think it would be nice to call someone after you kissed them. Just to make them feel like they weren't just... being used as a play thing.... I'm only joking. Anyway, Give me a call. You're probably really busy. But, ah, when you get a chance, maybe, later tonight, I'm teaching this evening. Give me call, and we can make plans. Get together. Hope everything is going well and I 'll talk to you soon."

I recieved this message today at around 3:30. I was so busy being mad with him for not calling sooner, that I did not hear the message he sent me. I was stuck in my head. I was making him wrong and a typical man. His actions were not good enough. It had occurred to me that he was making fun of me for feeling crazy about him not calling. Of course, he does not know how I am feeling becuase we have not spoken since Sunday.

It was not until this moment when I played his message over and over again in order to type it out that I actually understood how beautiful this message is. For one thing he called. I really am excited that he called. It feels really good. He also said something really cute and touching in the message. He spoke about how it is important to call someone after kissing.

Now, I am back in reactionary. I called him back today - probably too soon, as I had a message with an iron fist. I smiled while I said it, but I was not being truly excited or happy on the phone. This is why he leaves because nothing he does is good enough. All he did was have a really good time with me and call me afterwards. Then I make him wrong..... only becuase I am feeling insecure, nervous and threatened by the possibility of falling in love.

I have been picking him apart for a couple of days. I have not spoken to him in a few. But, maybe men really do have intuition and maybe they really can tell when they are entering a battle zone - and only after the first date.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Door Open for the French

2006-07-14T02:42:00.000+10:00

The door is open for my gorgeous French man to visit me in August. He calls me darling, beautiful and when he talks it is like he is purring.

We met in Varkala in India in 2005. He is a spectacular example of genetically blessed. He exudes sexiness and he has this calm and peaceful energy which attracts people.

He really liked me and I barely noticed. We spent some time on a beach called Om Beach in these little rooms where we slept on the floor. We shared our little bangalows with a group of Russians. We smoked ganga all day and all night.

One evening my French Man made a fire. He went into the woods and collected wood for the fire. He made a gorgeous fire. When he came to get me I was sitting on the floor in my room with the Swiss-German guy - cuddling!! I did not realize that the French Man liked me so much. He had been telling everyone that he was in love with me. And there he finds me cuddling with his friend.

Nothing ever happened between the Swiss-German and myself. I did like him. But, a very typical thing for me to do. To be attracted to a guy who is more like a boy than a man; to be attracted to a man who does not want a relationship. It played out to be nothing more than a little drama. It was all very minimal. But, there is a part of me that is sorry that nothing happened between the French Man and myself.

I really want him to visit and I want to put all of my attention on him when he does come visit. He is a man. He likes me. Why do I resist it so much?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Fuck Approval of Men.

2006-07-13T14:30:00.000+10:00

Okay, so it is true I was breathing a huge sigh of relief yesturday when Yoga Man did not call. But, now it is today and evening time, and still no word. It is the end of the 3rd day. I was out celebrating a friend's 30th Birthday - and it is a consensus to give him the boot. He has officially been deleted from my phone. This will thwart all temptation on my part of calling him.

So why has he not called? He asked me out for a party on the 22nd of July, but he has not called to check in and let me know that he likes me and he is thinking of me.

According to "He's Just Not that Into You" and my girlfriends, he has not called becuase he is just not thinking of me and he is just not that into me.

According to "ManWoman Weekend", I am suppose to savour the waiting of him not calling and when he finally does call I am suppose to be happy and give him approval for calling.

According to "Mars and Venus", he has not called becuase he is a man and from Mars. Therefore, he does not call when he likes me and he does not call when he does not like me. He just does not call.

According to me... well, there is the part of me that is still making the excuses - "he has been really busy, I have been too busy too call men I like. He likes me, he really does, he even said he liked me. He just got too busy to call. He'll call when he is less busy. It was really special when we were kissing. I totally felt it - he likes me."

There is the I-got-had-again, "Fuck, this time, the third time, I believed him when he said he liked me and when he was kissing me. But, once again he obviously does not like if he has not called. I am going to give him hell when he calls and tell him what a fucking fuck-up he is."

There is also the he is not the one, "Fuck being happy and approving when he calls. I want to be with a man who calls me becuase he can's stop thinking of me. That he is so enthralled with me, that he wants to ask me out again before another man has time to ask me out. That he wants to gobble me up and shower attention on me. That he wants to be with me, that he enjoys being with me so much, that he will call me every day to let me know that he is there and not to fill his space with another man."

Yoga Man has failed. Waiting 3 days to call does not work. It is automatic failure. I feel a little sad about this. I really believed for like 32 hours that this could be something. I believed it so much that I hardly flinched when I got stood by Johnny for my Monday night date. So I texted my fall back man - Older Man - after dinner.

"I just had dinner, am wanting desert."

No answer.

I am going to sleep now. I will dream happy thoughts. I am feeling like I am back in my place of men are assholes and slimes. I will need a good sleep and some heavy flirting and a date and a make-out session and him calling me back the next day to get over this.

Fuck approving of men. I will give them approval when they fucking deserve it.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Analyzing

2006-07-12T05:58:00.000+10:00

I am waiting for Yoga Guy to call. I am working out of my office and I am alone so I have time to be anxious. Don't men understand that women need reassurance. Just a quick phone call. Just a little hello. Just a I was thinking of you. Even texting would work or an email.

The Mexican has called and texted me in the last 18 hours. Why not the man whom I made out with for hours on Sunday. Hey, that was a privilaged experience.

I took a little nap at the office today. I had a small nightmare. First, it was like I was stuck in this dream - I did not know I was dreaming - and I was doing very ordinary work things like working with Adobe Photoshop. I was talking with a couple of friends about upcoming courses and parties. A friend of mine whom I have been wanting to take a course and always resists had committed to going after talking with my roomate. My roomate has the ability to charm the pants off of anyone. I got mad and snapped, and said something like, "You never wanted to go when I invited you." Wow, such anger in my dream and what a victim I was being. Then we were planning on going to a party across on the bridge on the Northshore and I was to be the driver. I didn't want to drive, I wanted to drink.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.

I am doing that checking my phone to make sure the ringer is on. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

Nope. Nada.

According to Mars & Venus.

" A man instinctively doesn't reveal his excitement, assuming that if he appears needy it will weaken his position."

There is truth in this. When I was falling asleep I was thinking about my habits with men. As soon as a guy likes me, I start analyzing him. I am looking at all of these things about him. Is he good looking, sexy, a provider, a doer, funny, well liked, respected, how does it occur to me that my friends and family will view him, what is his long term potential, does he want to have kids, what kind of father will he be, how big is his peanus, does he have back hair, is he losing the hair on his head, what sports does he watch, how does he hold his fork, does he cook, does he eat meat, is he a vegan, does he enjoy watching horror movies, what does it mean about him if he enjoys watching horror movies, does he bite his nails, does he get manicures, does he sing, does he put the toilet lid down after using it, do I enjoy kissing him, does he have tattoos, does he have great tattoos, does he have lots of friends that are girls, am I going to get jealous over his friends that are girls, does he have skinny legs, is he good with a hammer, can he jump start my van, does he drive a nice a car, does he own a car, can he choose a good wine, does he like to travel, how many languages does he speak, can he touch his toes, can I read his handwriting, and the list of questions goes on and on.

As soon as I like a guy all of these questions start going through my head and suddenly there are fifty reasons why he is not the one.

I am totally panicked about meeting someone and settling down. Sure I whine about being single but this is really covering up the fact that I am scared shitless of falling in love, of only kissing one man for the rest of my life, of not being with the man that is perfect for me.

So yes I am anxiously waiting for Yoga Man to call but I am breathing a huge sigh of relief that he has not called becuase this gives me more time to plot and plan meeting the real Mr. Right.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Hmmmmmm. Blissed Out.

2006-07-11T13:48:00.000+10:00

Ahhhhh. I got stood up this evening - I think - by the Johnny - the really solid, cute guy I like. I do like him - not like the other men where I am just jumping and having fun. And, maybe it is not all fair to say I got stood up. He did ask me to do something for tonight late Thursday night. At the time he had asked me I was hosting a BBQ party for my roomate and I had definately consummed some serious amounts of white wine. It is really a surprise that I even remember he asked me. But, I like him.

This was one of the recent dates I have booked that I would love to have seen come to fruition. But, there were no tears shed as I am still all blissed out from my date with the Yoga Man which was last night.

HHmmmmmmm......... WOW. Really, this Yoga Man is everything I want in a lover. He is my perfect ideal of a man in bed. We spent hours last night just kissing and feeling each other.

I laid some rules down with what was permitted to be done. The last time we got together we had the most amazing, passionate sex ever and I fell for him. Then I totally freaked out and got really weird. I was no longer being happy or fun.... I was being paranoid and cold. So our relationship ended.

Last night we played and talked for hours. He obeyed the rules. I was so smitten that I invited him to stay and was ready to beg. But, he excused himself at 1:30am as he knew that if he stayed we would most likely have sex. And he made the most amazing and gracious move by leaving. I woke with a start this morning and so much gratitude that he left. I am not ready to have sex with him.

I really do love being intimate with him. But, there is my logic brain which gets in the way. It is saying to me that a man who is a Yoga Teacher and the lead singer of a rock band is not long term material. This is my battle with him.

He is an amazing lover, but despite his 32 years he is still a boy in many regards. I want a man.

So, that is what Johnny represents to me - a man. He owns a house - which is yellow just like mine. He has a business - he builds things; he owns a truck and two motorbikes; and he has a garden with corn and other vegetables. He even said to me that he is a simple man that wants to have a family that he can provide for. Of course, I melted when he said this - and it was really funny because it was after the whole David Lee Roth conversation.

A part of me wants to call Johnny to see what happened - did we have a date? The other part of me is strongly advising that this is a bad move - don't call, don't call, don't call and whatever you do, don't call. I need to savour the waiting.

If we are meant to be together then it will happen. We live in the same neighbourhood, we know the same people. He has my number. If he really wanted to call me then he would.

The Older Man is back in town again after boating. He always seems to pop up. He is getting ingrained in my life.

The Token Mexican in my life is calling and we are talking a lot. I love practicing my Spanish and being with the Latino culture.

I got asked out by an amateaur golfer. He is playing in a tournament right now. He was going to call me to tell me his tee time so I could go watch. But, I have not heard from him. He is my dad's favourite. My dad gets really excited and calls to make sure I am returning the golfer's phone calls.

But, right now, when I drift to sleep it is Yoga Man whom I will be thinking of.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Hed Candy

2006-07-09T19:37:00.000+10:00

I went to Hed Candy tonight - it was my reward for painting my garage today. The Doctor was there, as well as, his girlfriend - who is a beautiful 24 year old Asian woman. She works in the hospital and she imports diamonds from NY. He is Asian too, so it is a better match than him and I - as I am quite a bit taller than him.

I went with two girlfriends. We each took turns buying rounds of drinks. I did a wonderful job at manifesting my rounds being bought by others. My first round was bought by Patrick - a black man from Texas. He was very nice and a very good dancer. He does like Computer Programming.

My second round was bought from this man who likes my smile. I was waiting for the bartender and he asked me what I wanted. I told him a Vodka-Seven.... and a Vodka-Cranberry. Then I added a water. When all the drinks had come, I added another water. He paid the money for all of the drinks. During the waiting of the drinks he asked me for my number and I wrote it down for him. He told me it cost him $40 to get my number. Then he asked if it was worth it. I told him it depended what he did with it.

The Yoga Teacher is back. I was meeting a friend for a BBQ and she did no follow up and left me hanging with no address. I was getting mad and I called Yoga Man. He talked to me for 45 minutes on the phone while I walked downtown to Hed Candy. We had a great talk. He is coming over tomorrow night with a movie and we are going to chill together. Fun to be hanging with him again.

I did meet someone who I like. His name is Johnny. We originally met in April when he helped me move. Then I saw him again for my Cinco de Mayo party. He was all shaggy after hiking for a couple of weeks. Then I saw him again last Saturday at the Canada Party at Spanish Banks. I did not recognize him because he cut all of his hair off and shaved his beard. He is hot.

I always liked him. He is a solid guy. He came to the BBQ we had on Thursday for my roomates 30th Birthday. He actual\ly took her for a ride on his motor bike so I could set up decorations. He provided speakers and BBQ. I like him.

At the party he spoke about David Lee Roth - I don't remember what he said but I thought he was really cute saying it.

He asked me out at the end of the BBq for Monday evening. I did see him yesturday to deliver BBQ back to him but he did not bring up Monday so I am not sure if it is a go or not. I do like him......... I really do. But I have the sense that he may be too solid for him. I feel sort of flakey around him even though I am not flakey at all.

Hmmmmm.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Two Dates One Night

2006-07-04T16:43:00.000+10:00

I met the lawyer Saturday at this great outdoor beach party in Spanish Banks with a hip hop dj. I was meeting my Grind Buddy there. I picked up their beer - they saved me a parking space. 45 minutes after I arrived and just after smoking some weed I got a call from the guys telling me that I was about to get towed.

I ran back to the van and they had saved me from a ticket and being towed under the promise to move the vehicle. I happily obliged. I invited the lawyer to join me. He did.

We drove up the hill and found another parking spot. We heard music walking back and we dropped in to check out this other party. It was great house music. The party was in a tighter space and it was great. We danced for a little bit and then headed back to our party.

So anyways I called the Laywer this morning because I wanted to him to read over the commercial lease I am about to sign. We made plans to meet at Card's downtown in the harbour. We had beer, shared a bottle of Burrowing Owl Pinot Noir and we shared a couple of appies. We were on the patio on a gorgeous evening surrounded by boats. This is the same restaurant that the restaurant guy owns.

I had a great time with the Lawyer - his birthday is May 2nd and he is 42. And totally fabulous looking for 42. I kissed him on the neck good night.

He told me to call him. I told him it was his job to pursue and my job to graciously recieve.

I got picked up from Card's by Jon my younger ex. I was affectionately called a cheeta when I dated him. We went for a fabulous ride around the park on his motor bike. I love riding on the back of motor bikes.

We went to the Bay side of downtown and to the Boathouse. We also had appies and drinks. Jon gave me design advice. It was a beautiful patio. We had so much fun. He also picked up the bill.

Wow. It was all so great. I had a really great time with both of them. The lawyer gets me smiling because he is so bashful and nice. Jon always has me laughing.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Small Taste

2006-07-04T03:25:00.000+10:00

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

2001 Reruns

2006-07-03T17:10:00.000+10:00

The Doctor called me yesturday morning. He is back from his trip to Spain and Sweden. I love the Doctor. I enjoy his converstation so much. And he has absolutely, hands down, the best style.

I invited him to join me at Sound Wave this coming weekend in Ucluetet on the island. He is looking into it. He called me to invite me to go swimming at Kits pool. A great plan - I just feel that I need to polish up my strokes a bit.

I went away yesturday to the Ski Resort town. A group of my friends and I sat in Rainbow Park all afternoon lakeside. Drinking beer, smoking joints and reading Smut magazines. A perfect beach day.

I burnt my ass the day before at the Jericho Club. That was also great - luxury. A pool which is located oceanside. Ah. That is heaven.

We went out last night to see RedEye play. I danced up a storm. I invited an Italian home - but, he got vetoed by the cabin owner. So I got home and passed out ASAP.

I got some text messages from Older Man on Saturday - we are so not on the same page right now. It faded out and disappeared. It no longer exists and I have barely noticed.

I also re-met a man called Nick whom I dated back in 2001 - when he was a lifeguard and I worked in a coffee shop. I have only the vaguest recollection. It was my friend Debbie who remembered and told me. I approached Nick and I told him that we use to know each other. He had no recollection either .... until 45 minutes after I told him.

He then remember me reading his palm. We went on a couple of dates.

On Saturday I asked him if we ever made out. He replied with, "I hope so!". So great and classic.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Two deal breakers

2006-06-30T16:15:00.000+10:00

I had a date this evening with one of the men from last Saturday - the stranger I danced in the garden with. He called me on Monday, I ran into him on Tuesday. He asked me out.

He has no car and he was making me dinner at his house. I drove to his neighbourhood, and then I drove around for 10 minutes looking for parking. I was late so I was also extremely aggravated by lack of parking and having a lot of blame towards him. In my mind I had already castrated him and I was making him very wrong.

I got to his place and he was wearing all black and looking good. He began cooking the halibut and then he showed me a tour of his apartment.

He is an engineer by trade, he has a business of building websites and he plays the piano. So he has this very organized apartment with lots of well constructed items. He rents his apartment, and it is not in good shape. However, he has added dim lighting, a good speaker system with the speakers attached to the wall, he has two computers with these arms which attach the wall, a beautiful antique Spanish bench, a gorgeous mirror from his Grandma and a beautiful painting from his mother. He has done a lot of work on the place and it was great to see this producing results in his living enviroment. He also has a great view of the ocean, park and mountains.

He also had a phenomal music collection. I had a lot of fun learning from him about music. He would always say three adjectives to describe a style: ambient-electronic-hip-hop, celtic-jazz-ambient, electronic-pop-grit.

I had been there for 10 minutes and he had offered me nothing to drink. So I asked him if he had anything to drink. Simple question which forwards the action of the evening.

Guess what. He had nothing to drink.

I am not joking. He had tap water with ice - I opted out of the ice. I love tap water and I always want water. So that was great. But, not having wine was a deal breaker.

We ate on the roof and watched the sunset... it was gorgeous. But, there was no wine. I totally got this evening how critical wine is to complete a meal... and a date.

Plus, there was nothing keeping me there or giving me a recharge to continue the evening. I opted out of the rest of the evening he had planned which was to go Latin dancing. Great idea. But, I did not want to drive and I wanted to drink wine. He then asked me to go walking along the beach. I lied and said I only had my heels and this would not work - then I doubled checked that my flip-flops were deeply hidden in my bag.

Two deal breakers - no car and no wine.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Texting

2006-06-28T07:58:00.000+10:00

To: Grouse Grind Buddy

"Thank You for an incredible evening. You chose a fabulous movie."

From: Grouse Grind Buddy

"You are so welcome. I thank you for causing our getting together this evening. I listened to your voicemail to me again, I loved it! See you soon incredible girl."

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

A movie with a knight

2006-06-27T17:27:00.000+10:00

I had a busy day and it was hot, hot, hot!!!!

I went out to see a movie this evening with my Grind Buddy. It was great. He was eating pizza when I met with him and he looked fabulous. I wanted to eat him up.

During the film he took his shirt off so I could wrap it around me because I was a bit chilly in the theatre becuase of the air conditioning. His shirt smelled so good. He is an amazing guy - really fantastically nice. He was a knight this evening.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Three Dates!!!

2006-06-25T18:17:00.000+10:00

Man Woman is a great seminar. We started today at 9:4am and completed at 10:15 pm. I have been asked three times tonight by men.

The first is my Wednesday morning Grouse Grind buddy. He wants to see me before Wednesday... maybe Monday. He was very enrolled in doing something with me. It was great listening to his message. I played it over and over again and then I shared with friends. It was a great message.

The second is the yoga teacher from back in the fall. I have him enrolled in taking me to the beach for sunset on Monday - he is bringing the food. I have not sp0ken to him since January and I have not seen him since October.

The third is a new guy - he is 31, he was playing in a band and his name is Fransisco. We danced in the most beautiful garden in the city to three slow songs. He lead and he was very good at it. When I left I gave him 30 seconds to meet me 1/2 between my van and the house. He was there and I gave him my business card. Then I told him it would be great for him to call me and ask me out. He then replied with he would call and ask me out.

Ha ha ha ha haha. THREE DATES!!!! This all occurred between 9:15pm and 12:45pm. Three dates in 3 1/2 hours!!!! That is amazing results.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

It Occurs to Me

2006-06-24T17:42:00.000+10:00

I had a busy day today and it was great because it was sunny so I just ran around in a strapless top and tanned in between meetings.

I went over to a friend's house tonight for some Malibu and OJ after yoga. Her new boyfriend - however, someone whom I've known for years - was very testy this evening. It occurred to me that he was upset. Hmmmm.

Tomorrow I am starting my Man Woman Weekend. I really have no idea what it is about. I do know that I need to take a set of nice clothes for tomorrow evening.

Then I am going to an engagement party. Woo Hoo!!!!

Man who took me for wine tasting and then put me on subway called me today. I was so focussed on work and happy in that moment that I was totally not present with him. I brushed him off.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Summer Solstice

2006-06-22T17:38:00.000+10:00

I went camping last night at Porteau Cove for Summer Solstice with my roomate, my ex-boy lover, my new friend, her boyfriend, another couple and Bailey, the dog.

It was great. So beautiful. My ex-boy-lover has a new motorbike. We went for a cruise before the sunset. It had a very deep vibration.

We partied until 1:30 am. I nursed one drink the entire night... kinf of weird. Not purposeful, it just was. We had a great fire on the beach until the tide put it out.

I slept between Lisa and Jon in a two person tent. I was so comfortable. I totally got how much I love these two. I had great dreams, I was very happy.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Change of Trade.

2006-06-21T16:14:00.000+10:00

I went out with a friend yesturday who is living in Brisban, Australia. She is a stripper and a glamour model now. She is experiencing success doing this and will be featured in a reality television show about being a stripper. A strip off.

I was totally enrolled in what she is doing. I was intrigued and I really enjoyed listening to her.

I want to be a stripper.

My roomate does some escort work. And we spoke for sometime tonight. Sounds great to me. I want to be an escort. Why not. Having sex with men for emotional reasons does not work for me. So why not satisfy my sexual craving and stop my emotional neediness at the same time. It can work.

I also started to realize on Sunday/Monday how sexually repressed I have become since I started "looking" for a "life partner". I suddenly wanted to be the "good" girl that a man would want to marry. And, fuck that, I want to be a wild and crazy woman who enjoys expressing her sexuality and feels empowered by it. I want to be the whore.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Madonna and the Whore

2006-06-16T13:54:00.000+10:00

I went on a date at 7:30 am this morning. And this is not my Wednesday morning Grouse Grind 6:30am date. My 7:30 am date was with a different guy, Rob, he showed up with fresh fruit smoothies which he made.... hmm so sweet.

I am not sure that doing the Grouse Grind every Wednesday at 6:30am counts as a date. In that situation, we are pretending we are friends that do the Grind together. Now we are friends that do the Grind together - but, sometimesI am attracted to him - (sometimes I am not) - but does attraction mean we are not friends? That in fact it is a date?

The Grouse Grind Man is a very nice person - 36 years old, beautiful brown eyes, a lot of fun and interesting - he is very much into getting to know himself and the world around him. I enjoy my time with him. However, he is very much not my type. He is sort of dorky, he has skinny legs, a boring style of dress - except sometimes he wears pink dress shirts (not when we are doing the Grind) and he looks very sexy. I have class with him Wednesday nights. It is fun to watch him in class, he closes his eyes and nods off. Ha ha ha ha. It's cute.

Yesturday morning after the Grouse Grind we were sitting in my car outside his apartment in Coal Harbour. He suddenly said that he was horning and wanted to have sex. This was interesting for me to hear becuase just an hour before when we were climbing the Grind he said that he wanted to start having babies in 4 years. So here is a man who wants to have babies in 4 years (and he is single) so he is looking for a life partner; and he just wants to find a woman to fuck. My understanding of what he was saying was that the woman who he wants to have babies with and the woman he wants to fuck are two different women.

This is totally confusing me. Men really do want a Madonna and a whore.

I percieve myself as the Madonna. I am clear that I want to be a mother and I want to meet my life partner and build a life long relationship. But, men have been percieving me as the whore. I am the one they want to fuck. And, I do not dress or act slutty. I am a good girl. But, I am beautiful. I am the unattainable. I am 5'11 (6'2 with heels) ; I am thin and toned; I have long, thick beautiful brown hair and big blue eyes; and I dress well and am fashionable. My breasts are very small; I don't even wear bras they are so small. There is nothing about me that is whore like - but I appear similar to models.

So men want to "score" me. They ask me out and wine and dine me. But, they do this to fuck me not so I can have their babies. No wonder I am stuck in the world of being single.

And I don't sleep around. It took me 10 months to sleep with the older man.

So I am in the car listening to the Grouse Grind Man talking about being horny and I totally got that men view me as the whore.

I just said to him that I could not help him out.

He laughed and said that he did not mean that he wanted to fuck me... Which I get, becuase I am also very naive and somewhat insecure becuase I do not think men want to fuck me.

But, maybe, he did say that becuase he wanted to fuck me.

When I was in Gautamala in 2001 I was in a hammock on the beach. It was in the early morning just after the sunrise. We had been up all night dancing on the beach at a full moon party snorting coke, drinking and smoking pot. This American guy was in the hammock next to me. We were totally relaxed. It was a beautiful moment. We were not close to each other. I did not feel connected to him. He was just the person in the hammock next to me in that moment.

When, out of nowhere, he says to me, "Do you want to have sex?"

I paused. I was surprised by the question. I saw him as a nice guy, but we were really just there next to each other with not much to say and not much going on. I was also in my year of celebacy.

I responded with, "I'll pretend that you didn't say that."

A few days later my friend Baywatch (see love letters with Baywatch) was returning a book to this American's room. Baywatch knocked on his door. There was no response. There was a window right next to the door and it was open. So Baywatch pulled the curtain aside to place the book on the inside. What he saw was a naked woman on all fours with her head a foot from the window. There was this American guy fucking her doggy style.

This American guy played his odds. And he eventually got laid.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Coincidental

2006-06-13T10:41:00.000+10:00

An interesting story to tell.

I was at the video store last night on a mission to rent "Born into Brothels" (very, very good movie). While I was looking I noticed a tall, good looking man. He had blue eyes, short brown hair, and a nice overall even beard stubble. I did look at him; he looked at me. I am playing this game now which is I smile at men when I catch them looking at me. It is a fun game. I used to turn away and stick my nose in the air pretending I was gorgeous and too good for the likes of them.

I eventually found my movie and I was waiting in line secretly hoping he would line up behind me. It did not happen. I left.

I was biking this morning when I saw this same guy sitting on a bench in a park. I stopped at a red light and looked back at him. He was staring at me. I called out to him, "Did I see you somewhere last night." He replied with, "Yes."

I thought I saw him at the grocery store but he told me it was the video store. He then mentioned that I left quickly the night before. I told him that I found my video... and I wish that I had added, "You could have been quicker in talking with me."

We talked for 10 minutes. I got some basic info from him. He works for the federal government and he is taking a few weeks off to study for an exam.

So I left to continued on my bike ride. I got stopped at the same red light. I waited and then just before it turned green, I turned around. He was watching me. I smiled. He smiled back.

So I get to my destination and I cannot quite get this guy off my mind. I decide to bike back along the same route with the hopes of running into him.

And as I approach the park, I get stopped by the same red light, but on the opposite side of the street. He is still sitting on the same bench. He sees me.

I bike over. He invites me to sit down. I invite him for a coffee. The compromise was that I went and bought myself a coffee and then I joined him on the bench. His name is Mike.

We talked for an hour. He is a very goodlooking guy. He is healthy, interesting, wasp and a little lost about what he wants to do with his life. He is totally not like any guys I ever talk too. He is a normal guy. One of his friends was riding by on his bike and he stopped to say hi. This group of guys are growing beards for a stag happening in July.

It was time for me to go. Mike offers me his business card. I tell him that he is actually suppose to ask me for my number. So he asks me to write my number down on his business card.

I am reading his business card and his name is very familiar. I ask him a few questions about where is from ect. I then ask him if he ever took a girl out in highschool to Earls and his car broke down in the parking lot. He said "Yes". I told him I was that girl.

Ha ha ha. We went on date 13 years ago!!!!! Wow, that is very coincidental.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Legs

2006-06-12T16:57:00.000+10:00

I have been having sex with the older man. I enjoy it when I feel I am in control. I have enjoyed having playing with him and being sexual. He does have a great cock. A fantastic size and shape. His body is getting older but his cock is still young.

Peanus feels like an ugly word to me. I just used the word cock twice in the above paragraph because I felt peanus was too nasty.

When I first started being intimate with the older man he would whisper things to me when we were hot. He used the word "lovely" alot and he would create fantasies of us travelling and making love all over the world. It was great.

But, at Christmas time I took him up on his offer to go travelling - up on the plane ticket he allegedly gave me. It did not happen. Since then he does not ask. I had to invite myself to his yacht last month.

It is weird. In January we were making out, and he was about to come and I was watching and ducking out of the way. I did not want anything to get on me. Then more recently I was begging him to come on me. I like him and respect him now. I want him to come on me.

But, now that I want him he seems to avoid me.

I was sitting on a friend's patio on the 10th floor overlooking the harbour on Friday afternoon and evening. I could see him on his boat leaving town for the weekend trailing his zodiac. I texted him and to say hi and saying I spot you. He responded. But..... there is no more enthusiasm in him to get to know me. It feels dispersed. Perhaps it was there at one point. ut I gave it no space becuase of my lack of trust for him. I was a cement wall not letting anything in.

Of course one would give up. I was too impossible. There is no winner.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

The Doctor is Back

2006-06-11T15:59:00.000+10:00

I called the Doctor today after my morning yoga class. We have been playing telephone tag for a little while. I invited him to my housewarming - he was unable to come. Then he went out of town to Boston and Toronto. Until today we have not spoken since January and we have not seen each other since..... he called it off to go back to his ex-girlfriend.

We connected when I called - I was totally surprised and he got that I was surprised. He was just waking up as his shift ended at 5am. We decided to meet for breakfast in Kits at La Viva cafe.

I was talking to an older man about the World Cup when the Doctor walked in. He looks great. His hair is cut sort of like a mohalk - it looks really fantastic. He was wearing this awesome jacket with a green tee. He has a phenomenal fashion sense - I love his style.

I had a really great time with him. We talked a lot during breakfast. Catching up with work, our homes, travels and relationships. We went for a walk to the beach. We sat on a log and talked more. He had a meeting at two - but, we were totally immersed each in each other until he had to go.

I opened up and shared with him about who I had been when we were dating. I made it impossible for him to be a winner. The last thing I stated to him was that I think he is one of the most amazing and greatest people I know and that it is important for me to have him in my life. And, when I said this it was not a romantic thing at all. I was totally and only authentic. He agreed with me

Then just after. I shared with my friend Jenn about it all. And she starts saying things like she always liked him the best, he could be the one. Then suddenly my mind switches from a friend and authentic manner to a daydreaming and fantasizing mode about the romantic possibilities with the Doc.

The Doctor is great. We can really talk and talk forever. He is going to Spain on Tuesday for a weekend party and then to Sweden for the Summer Soltice.

We talked about my relationship with the older man. The Doc already knows about it - becuase, we talked about it back in October. He said some really great things about it. He said this could be holding me back energetically from being open to meeting someone else. As well as, the older man seems to know exactly what to do to keep me hooked without making a commitment.

Then when I asked the Doc about who he was dating. He said he was dating a younger woman - a 24 year old - he is 37. Ha ha ha ha. It is funny.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

We like you.

2006-06-07T16:57:00.000+10:00

Summer is here.... and I am loving it. I am on my bike and cruising around town - sometimes with a mission and sometimes justb because.

I figured out my story about men. My ultimate story... the one I could not shake. The story that my life was totally screwed because of.... it is this:

My life is screwed because men don't like me and I will never fall in love.

Ouch.

This is the story that played over and over again for me. I wrote it out in a notebook for 20 minutes then I read it to this woman a few times.... getting choked up and crying at some points. I could not shake it. I totally believed it. Finally I stood up in front of a hundred people and I stated, "My life is screwed because men don't like me."

All the men responded back with a very loud "We like you."

I yelled back, "No, no. You don't get it. My life is screwed becuase men don't like me."

The men yelled back, "WE LIKE YOU."

I yelled back with perfect exageration, "NO YOU"RE NOT LISTENING. MY LIFE IS SCREWED BECAUASE MEN DON'T LIKE ME."

And of course they responded back with a louder than ever, "WE LIKE YOU."

I was laughing at this point and I totally got how stupid my story was. And, it was gone.

For the rest of the weekend, I had men coming up to me, looking me in the eye and saying, "I like you."

Everytime I felt special and liked.

It looks like Brent is back from Romania. I got a text message from him this evening.

I really want to share with him. I want to tell him my story. That I believed so strongly that men did like me that when men do nice and thoughtful things for me I am trying to figure out what they want from me. They must want something if they are being nice.

This attitude really does not create a safe or caring space for a relationship to blossom. I really want to share with him and apologize.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

2006-06-03T08:15:00.000+10:00

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Give up.

2006-05-24T05:42:00.000+10:00

We just had our first long weekend of summer. It was good. I walked into the weekend really wanting to see Brent and to go away with him. It happened. On Saturday night we went out on his Hurricane Zodiac to Bowen for drinks at the pub and then dinner at a restaurant. It was fun and delicous. Then we returned to Van on calm waters in the dark. We spent the night on his boat. We had sex in the evening upstairs on the coach and in the morning. I did not feel cuddled enough in the morning.

I sat outside enjoying the view waiting for him to tie up his loose ends and to plan his trip to London and Romania in the morning. I felt nothing for him. It was over for me. There is no affection or diving deep into each other. I want more than this. You can only hide behind your toys for so long.

I spent the day around town totally satisfied with my decision to let him go. Then at 7:00pm he calls... to check in or say good-by... I don't know. But it is annoying. It was right before his plane left. I take this gesture that he is interested in me. Or, is it that being a bachelor at 50 he just knows how to respect a woman and this is habit more than anything else.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Fear

2006-05-17T06:35:00.000+10:00

I am frozen. I am too afraid to make a move with Brent. I am afraid to call him or text him. I am afraid to tell him that I like him. All of my experiences in the past few years have shown me not to tell or show men that I care about them. It feels that as soon as I feel something or express something then they are gone. Now I am totally petrified and unconvinced that a man would want to be in a relationship with me.

So here is Brent.... we met in July last year; we have been dating since August; we had sex in May for first time. And I am afraid to tell him that I like him.

Wow.

I need someone .... a man.... to give me advice.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Not Insane for being Crazy

2006-05-16T13:19:00.000+10:00

Sunny days.

I am taking a seminar this weekend on sex and intimacy. I am thinking that it may actually help me out in this area of my life.

Still no phone call from Brent since I last saw him.... which was naked in my bed.

I have this fear post-sex of getting totally dumped and I go crazy. It is a pattern so I am not insane for being crazy... it is all based in reason. But, what is it about me and having sex that just begs to be tossed.

Then in two weekends I am doing Landmark Advanced. That is when I will discover the story of this and make it distinct from what happened. I want to get out of the fucking story and move forward.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Tanning Salon Date

2006-05-16T05:47:00.000+10:00

So after my crying fits on Friday and Saturday I managed to make it out to my roomate's school's talent show on Saturday night.

It was in this great space. The skinny, pale Vegetarian guy was working the door. He is incredibly passionate about being a vegetarian... he even designs vegetarian video games.

I was meeting a couple of friends... I did not see them when I initially walked in so I introduced myself to the only other person not talking to anyone.... James - although I introduced him as David all night. Oops.

We spoke more later. He was there scouting out talent.... something about doctors creating interesting music. He wanted to go for a smoke - I do not smoke - but he really wanted me to join him so I did.

We sat in his Mercedes for 40 minutes talking. He is interesting. The converstation was good and deep. Once inside again he kept asking me to stay or go for food. I wanted to go home to sleep so declined. Finally he asked for my telephone number.

He then said to me that he was in like with me. I barely acknowledge that. He called me on my non-reaction. And I totally got in that moment how jaded and cynical I am about men. I totally did not believe anything he said to me about how much he liked me.

He walked me to the car. I took ownership that I did not believe the feelings he was expressing. I said that it was probably was becuase I am resigned and cynical. He said again that he liked me. He hugged me, said that we were a good fit. I told him I was flattered but consistancy says more to me.

He called left a message about how successful men are consistant. He also stated that he missed me.

He called me the next morning to ask me for brunch. I declined becuase I had already eaten. Then he asked me if I wanted to go tanning. I asked "to the beach?" He said "No, a tanning salon. I know a really good one."

Um.

I declined. Brent looked really good again. Funny how all of these men always make Brent look better.

James also said that he was going to call me last night and he did not.

So another weirdo.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

incredibly sad

2006-05-14T12:59:00.000+10:00

Dating has become techerous and I feel like I am drowning. The whole episode a couple of weeks ago with ex-girlfriends being "devastated" thus leaving me as a home wrecker has left me cold, isolcated and hurt.

I feel at the end of my energy with meeting people. It is hard to constantly being putting myself out there and thinking and believing that this could be the one. I feel like I am turning into some bad nightmare.

I have become totally pretrified of being intimate becuase I feel that I become intimate with someone and then boom relationship ends.

If I can make it to a 5th date this would be a monumental moment for celebration.

The only person who is a constant in my life is the older man. We have been dating casually since August. We had sex for the first time on Tuesday - it was great. Except at 8:30am my mom came by my house to drop something off. He had to make a bolt out the back door except he forgot his jacket with car keys in the kitchen. He texted me and went for a coffee; returning a half hour later to get the car keys.

The whole situation was pretty funny. But, I was also pissed off at my mom.... I did not say anything.... but come on, how am I suppose to have a healthy love life at 29 if she shows up at 8:30 in the morning?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So Wednesday, the first day after we had sex I was feeling really great and happy. He texted me in the afternoon. It was nice.

Thursday, Friday no phone call. I texted him in the early evening. He is in Maple Bay on the Island Late Night. Saturday no call.

So I have been upset since last night. I know that this is our relationship.... going out a couple of times a month. It use to be that we went on great dates - out boating, to the ski cabin. Now, we hang out in the city eating at the same sushi restuarant. I want more. I want him to take me out of town and do great things together.

I don't want to feel like his town fuck.

But, this is what happens. I sleep with someone, I get totally confused, and I start to feel used and under appreciated.

It all started a few years ago. None of my relationships lasted very long. And, I started to feel really vulnerable about intimacy... as if as soon as I became intimate .... they became disinterested.

All I really want in life is to meet my life partner. And, I feel so far away from this and I feel so sad becuase I feel so far away.

I want to have kids. I am a woman therefore I have biological clock.

And I feel so scared that I will never fall in love with someone who falls in love with me.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Recreation of Highschool

2006-05-06T15:19:00.000+10:00

The house is not finished its renovations.... it almost was then a couple of days ago we had a flood. Now the floors in the basement suite have to be ripped out and relaid. Argh.

I had a love affair two weekends ago with...... let's call him.... David. I first met David a couple of years ago. There was never any sparks but we always had nice conversations. He also always had a girlfriend called Jamie.

Jamie and David broke up a couple of months ago. I went to Whistler got surprisingly drunk and danced to hip hop and I entered a frozen t-shirt contest - which is not as kinky as it sounds. A beautiful Norwegian friend planted the ideas in both our heads that we would be great together. She whispered to me while I was dancing dirty with Lorenzo that David is a great guy and I should direct me attention towards him.

Seed planted.

After the bar a group of us went to David's apartment. I thought I was going to get together with Lorenzo as we had this great time dancing. It was sensual and sexy and total in tuned with each other. But, he got up to go to the bathroom and David sat down in his place.

What transpired next could have been anybody's wet dream.

The futon couch in the living room was laid out like a bed. There was three women laid out on it including myself. April and hottie started kissing. Leigh in between April and I started calling out that she needed to kiss someone. I almost leaned over to do it myself when Kerfoot stepped in took that deed on. Then there was me. David asked if I was ready, I said yes.

Then was happened was passionate kissing with full body expression. A friend watching but not participating in the 6 person make-out session described it as yoga.

David and I ended up in his king size bed alone. It was nice.

I won't go in to the rest of the weekend. It was great and it had its moments.

By Tuesday we were back in the city. I really liked David - which always seems to be a mistake to like someone. We were at Lisa Shaw and we went back to my house under renovations.

It was not fun nor enjoyable what happened next. So best to avoid the topic. But what did happen was Jamie found out David and I got together Tuesday morning. She called David in absolute devastion. David told me I was not discreet and that was it.

My friend Joe told Jamie. He overheard a friend of mine say something. He was asked not to repeat. He told Jamie. She hates him. He blames me.

So I was upset. I have 3 people not talking to me becuase I had a weekend make-out session. Yes, this does feel like full on highschool drama to me.

I have redirected my focus.... to other things.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Cinco de Mayo

2006-05-05T13:33:00.000+10:00

Finally spring is here. There were moments where I did not think I would survive winter. Now the days are so long and I am occupied and tired. I am drinking, smoking pot, doing hard, playing around, dancing all night, smoking cloves and dreaming of different days.

In all of this I feel sad. I feel something missing. I am feeling lost and over powered by those around me. My business is slow. I got a part-time in a law office which is hard. I feel a sense of failure.

However, no time to be down when tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo and there is a ton of fun to be had. And what better place to have the fun than at my new house!!!!! It is going to be hot, hot, hot.

We were unable to get a DJ so CD's will have to do. We did spend over $250 on booze and another $150 on food. This party is going to rock!!!!

Although male action may be lacking as I am not so sure what men are coming who are single.... or, have been single for a long enough time that their ex-girlfriends won't freak out if they kiss someone else.

Ahora es la fiesta.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

No Nothing

2006-04-14T18:01:00.000+10:00

My life feels like a mess. Everything is messy. I am living at a friend's house while my house under the last of it's renovations. Half my clothes are on the floor in the bedroom here, the other half is stuffed in garbage bags in the living room of the new house. My office is a huge scattering of papers and nothing makes sense to me. I feel so disconnected from everything. My van is a horror show. I have not brushed my hair in ages. I just don't really care about my appearance like I did a couple of months ago.

Does this mean I am depressed? I don't feel depressed. I just feel tired, lazy and far away. I feel like I am having break downs. The men are really just not into me.

I am not getting asked out. I have chewed all of my nails off. My feet are a pedicure night mare. I have no tan and not motivation to tan. I am dead broke and lost.

I feel totally rock bottom. Okay, maybe, not totally, but close to it.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Boom

2006-04-07T15:33:00.000+10:00

There is so much happening in my life. I am excited and nervous and surprised. I am creating that I move through all of this with grace, ease, vitality, and fulfillment.

Then..... boom... my mom walks in and says all this stuff and I am rubbing my eyes and feeling like shit.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Amor Toi Aussie

2006-04-07T07:00:00.000+10:00

Hello darling,

i just came from a friend, we played some music, had a few joint and now it's 3.40 in the morning. it's raining here, spring begins, it's always raining here...

it's nice you found that tape. it's good the word "trust" came back into your life. i like those moments in life when you discover something who was hidden somewhere for many years. it's like when you're getting closer to somebody you know for long... spring begins...

I like all those nice words you writing to me, all of them, you know, even from where i am now i fell your breath in my neck... it's nice you tell about us together in India, even if i never been physical with you, i always wish that my company would "touch" you .

I have also an amazing story to tell you. i was on Om beach since 4 days doing the usual smoking, lay on the beach, drink some tchai, go swimming. so, on that day i went to swim and , as i come out i see a guy , sitting at the same table we were sitting last year (i even had the same room !), so when i came closer i realise that he was my best friend in Paris from my 8 until my 14, and then one day he moved and we never met again.

it was nice, we spend one day and one night talking about the past, the parents , other friends, we were really amazed by our encounter. he's been living for most of the time in he caribean, because when i was in is class, i would go every summer holidays to Guadeloupe and Martinique, so he was curious... eventually, we spend 14 days on Om beach... the day i left, we were crying like kids (maybe the kids in us).

i send you some pictures from my trip. i wish you all the best.

i think of you.

Be good

Love

Alain

Here is my delicious French man who I did not allow myself to enjoy last year when I was India. I was so blocked from allowing him to love me. I avoided letting him in and I put my attention on someone else to distract him away from me. But, we were so close and spent so much time together. I really value him and I love him.

I called him about an hour ago. He is living in Belgium. It is -1 there and he and his friends are staying in and smoking ganga. He is absolutely delicious. He is planning on visiting me in a few months. He told me that he loved me. Wow. I am so melted right now..... and horny.

Here are some photos he sent me from his latest trip to India. Hmmmm. Did I mention that he is delicious?

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Slot Machine Sex

2006-04-04T08:52:00.000+10:00

In the last two weeks I have been to New York, moved houses and.... called an ex-boyfriend from 6 years ago and I apologized for making him wrong.

Has there been any love and sexy moments in the past few weeks?

Yes and No.

I reconnected with falling in love every man I see - an experience I have not had since I was twenty-four. I am crushing on so many men right men.

But, I am not dating. I have not been asked out and I do not have time.

I had a blind date in New York with Marc. I had a fantastic time. It was an overall fabulous blind date. And, if blind dates were always as fabulous as that one was, then I would recommened absolutely everyone go on them all the time.

I am seeing Brent tonight for the first time since I last blogged. When I returned from NY he was in Hawaii and then Whistler. I was smoking busy last week and did not have an inch to spare in time.

I had a 48 hour break down in time management two weeks ago. I still experience having tons on my plate and the time I would prefer to accomplish everything in does not exist. But, sleeping less has helped and being more effective in all my communication zips everything along.

I went crazy at Victoria Secret buying tons of cute panties. I did not buy bras as I do not wear them.... kinky. But, I am a panty pig. I love panties. I am so excited to prep my bikini line and to look absolutely fabulous in a pink thong from Betsy Johnston. Hmmm, so delicious and yummy and exciting.

Maybe, tonight will be the night that I will be hot and Brent will be hot. When you're hot, you're hot. When you're not, you're not.

Mental note to self not to collapse love and sex. Sex is like a slot machine, sometimes you are lucky.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Confrontations

2006-03-15T16:36:00.000+10:00

Tomorrow morning I have a massage at 8am. Then I get on a plane at 11:30 am and fly to New York City! Sounds like a fantastic morning!

This will be my first trip to NY. I am staying in Chelsea. I have my shopping schedule planned and mapped out. I have a list of 30 boutiques and I have them marked on a map. Exciting!

I am also doing my leadership seminar. I have learned so much about myself. I am annoyed. It is a very confronting program. The impact on me in my life since I applied for the program is that I am quieter. I know myself to be an insightful person. I now realized that I am self-righteous and arrogant about being insightful. Now I have cut this aspect of my communication out and I do not have very much to say.

I had a fantastic date with Brent. I slept over for the first time since October. He is such an amazing person to sleep with. He is very aware that I lying next to him. He reaches out and cuddles while we sleep. It is not over bearing or smothering or heavy or suffocating. It is absolutely beautiful and perfect. I love sleeping next to him. It was so special to sleep with him last night. He fell asleep on the couch. I curled up and watched him sleep while I stroked his face. Then I feel asleep as well.

We woke up - he wanted to move to the floor because "it is more comfortable." I said no way that we could go upstairs to his bedroom. And we did.

I was horny and he was sleeping. I really could have had sex with him. We have not had sex yet. Crazy....

This morning we started making out... it was great. We were very close to playing the game "Just the tip." I asked him if we should talk about having sex. He said not today because it would be rushed. Wow. I did not take it personally or create stories about it. I really understood that he wanted to create an experience for us to have sex for the first time.

More and more I like him. I am realizing what an amazing man he is. I feel really lucky to be able to share time with him.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Service

2006-03-13T18:00:00.000+10:00

I need to identify three occasions that I had extraordinary service.

I will brainstorm 15 times.

1. At Umebroshi shoes.
2. Anytime with Singapore Air.
3. The Silk Road in Whistler.
4. Sandpiper signs.
5. Rob at RBC.
6. The ladies at CinZino at City Square.
7. Chopsticks restuarant.
8. The girl at the juice bar in the Houstan Airport.
9. Stacey from Reaction Designs in Whistler.
10. Thai Away Home
11. The guy at Granville Island
12. Marco Polo
13. Urban Barn
14. Joni with the Valentine's Day Designs.
15. Esquires Coffee in Whistler.
16. Vij's
17. Gregg of the Walden.
18. Melissa of Inspired Designs
19. Brent on our dates.
20. Tireland.

This was a hard list to create. What I learned was is there are very few businesses which have extraordinary service.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Discovering my embarrassement.

2006-03-13T17:37:00.000+10:00

The defination of insane is doing the same action repeatedly and expecting a different result.

I was feeling overwhelmed until someone pointed out to me that I create being overwhelmed in order to avoid taking responsibility.... ya, I was nailed.

So if I am unable to hide in being overwhelmed where does this leave me? It leaves me in a position to take action and responsibility.

I have to write a one minute speech on an embarrasing moment. I need help with this one. Do I choose a surface embarrassing moment... like I I said something at the wrong time. Do I choose a body function.... like I farted in public and it stunk. Or, do I choose something that is deeply embarrasing to the point that I am so totally embarrassed by it that I have never told another human...

I have to get up front of a large room of people to talk about this embarrassing moment... so do I choose one that in the end I still look good because I don't want to look bad. And this would be being inauthentic.

I am going to brainstorm 20 embarrassing moments.

I was embarrassed when ......
1. After the Yoga Teacher and I had bad sex.
2. When the Doctor told me he was returning to his ex-girlfriend.
3. My first date with Brent and I had no idea what to wear.
4. When the stockbroker told me he liked my friend directly after our intense grind session.
5. Sweaty crotch marks in Yoga.
6. Unable to get up into hand stand in Yoga when I was being partnered with the hottest man ever.
7. Getting caught talking to myself in my car by pedestrians.
8. Vagina quifs during yoga or sex.
9. Biting my nails.
10. Talking about someone.
11. Being negative.
12. Losing my van keys when I was high on mushrooms and having to stay at these guy's house for 2 nights while I waited for new keys to be couriered to me from the city.
13. Having my period blood gush out in a waterfall during yoga.
14. Getting caught with food stuck in my teeth.
15. Giving bad head.
16. A bad make-out session.
17. Highschool.
18. Getting angry about something small or big.
19. Crying in public.
20. Crying at work.
21. Whining.
22. The state of bedroom when it gets messy.
23. When my bathroom is dirty.
24. The amount of money I spend on clothes.
25. Putting my sister down and being mean to her when I was younger.
26. Being selfish and arrogant.
27. Falling off of the train in Delhi.
28. Punching the Indian.
29. Putting the Indian down when I found out he could not read.
30. Having a temper tantrum in the Delhi trainstation.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Day to Day

2006-03-11T18:43:00.000+10:00

I have been busy and feeling overwhelmed. But, that is what I do.... I become busy so that I have reason not to be present for people in my life. I am too busy for a relationship..... maybe, is he is really special I will squeeze him in.

I am back seeing the older man!!! It is great! Somehow, distance makes my heart grow fonder with him. We text each other a lot.... but, we really do not see each other that much. I enjoy his influence on me.

I took a ski lesson last week - he is a skier, I am a snowboarder. I am eating fish for the first ever in my life. He is taking "stretching" classes - maybe, similar to my yoga classes. He is also dressing so very hot! Wow! He is wearing great jeans... his bum looks so HOT! He also has a great new leather jacket.

No action for me lately..... some deep inner thumping cravings for Brent and Manu.... but no actual action.

I do have a blind date in New York this coming Thursday with a man called Marc. This will be my first time to New York. What a great experience to create a blind date for myself. A mutual friend is very interested in that we meet.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

How

2006-02-25T18:19:00.000+10:00

Wow things are happening.... full on. I am playing the game of being committed to my life and my word. There are no more "IF's" in my life; now I am "HOW"; soon I will be my word 100%.

Right now my challenge is getting to New York for the weekend of March 17th-19th. I would like to stay a couple of extra days to shop and explore.

No time for men right now. I am just a busy doer... putting my word into existance. This is a full-time job.

I am looking for a dog which is very exciting. I believe I can achieve a level of intimacy from a dog which I absolutely am unable to get from being single. I am like a cold fortress with no heat right now.... I need some loving.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Big

2006-02-21T15:06:00.000+10:00

Okay, so I did not win the lottery. I thought that if I believed it enough then it would happen. That did not work.

Let's try another way. I am wanting to create my life as to how it will look in one year. My ideal perfect life. Not, the make-do-life-which-will-work-becuase-i-am-not-living-my-ideal-life.

This is my goal. To write and dream and plan and make it all happen. To think BIG. Plan BIG. Put it into action BIG.

It is time. No more of these baby steps, little baby steps, tiny baby steps. It is time to step up to the plate and make this happen. BIG!

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

I won the lottery

2006-02-19T19:32:00.000+10:00

I went to a Persian B'hai dinner party tonight. It was absolutely fantastic. They all went ballistic over my name... it means something in their religion. Plus, they were all really nice people who presented themselves in a very polished way. They were friendly, welcoming and articulate. They all drove very nice cars... I was a little embarrassed by my van.

The men were very stylish, cute and friendly!

I told the hostess that I was interested in learning more about being B'Hai and to invite me to more events.

I have decided that I won today's lottery. I am so excited. Thank you god for making this happen.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.

Thank You God

2006-02-17T18:11:00.000+10:00

Okay... I am over my anger with early retired millionaire. I am going go call him tomorrow to apologize and clear this with him. I get that it was not him that I am upset with but what he represents to me .... men.

The game I am playing that all men are great is challenging. It is really mirroring to me that I don't actually hold men very highly. I am very disappointed by them. So, it is very good for me to play the game that they are all great. I am starting to get something new and different.

I had a healing tonight with Isabella. It was long.

About love she said the man is older than me.... around 40-42. I will have a daughter. That I should go to Home Depot and do things there. And start kayaking.

She said that I have this unattainableness about me which only attracts total idiots. She also said that I need to cook more and create more love in my life. That I am alone... I am surrounded by lots of people but I am alone. She said that I have not men my life partner yet... it may still be awhile.... I started to cry..... I am so fed up of being on my own.... for god's sake.

Oh speaking of God, I am to write a thank you note to thank for everything and then add what I want. I need to be very clear.

Thank You god for the experience of being single for years and years, I am now ready to meet a man who can be my best friend and I can create a life partnership with. Thank You.

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. choose with no regret. laugh. do what you love.